The mammoth book of great british humour

MichaelPowellgrewupinNorthWales.AfterstudyingEnglishLanguageand
LiteratureatManchesterUniversity,hespentthreeyearsattheRoyalAcademy
ofDramaticArt,andthenenjoyedseveralyearsasaninternationallyunknown
professionalactorandmusicaldirector.Afterwinning£10ontheNational
Lottery,hequitactingandwentintopublishingbeforebecominganauthor.
Sincethenhehaspennedoverseventytitles,includingmanyhumourbooksfor
adultsandchildren.HelivesinSomersetwithhiswife,twochildrenanda
pedigreegoldenretrievercalledFeargalSharkey.Hishobbiesincluderunning
withscissors,lookinggifthorsesinthemouthandstaringdirectlyattotalsolar
eclipses.


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Constable&RobinsonLtd
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www.constablerobinson.com
FirstpublishedintheUKbyRobinson,
animprintofConstable&Robinson,2010
Copyright©MichaelPowell,2010(unlessotherwiseindicated)
TherightofMichaelPowelltobeidentifiedastheauthorofthisworkhasbeen
assertedbyhiminaccordancewiththeCopyright,Designs&PatentsAct1988.
Allrightsreserved.Thisbookissoldsubjecttotheconditionthatitshallnot,by
wayoftradeorotherwise,belent,re-sold,hiredoutorotherwisecirculatedin
anyformofbindingorcoverotherthanthatinwhichitispublishedandwithout
asimilarconditionincludingthisconditionbeingimposedonthesubsequent
purchaser.
AcopyoftheBritishLibraryCataloguinginPublication
DataisavailablefromtheBritishLibrary
UKISBN978-1-84901-053-5
13579108642
FirstpublishedintheUnitedStatesin2010byRunningPressBookPublishers
AllrightsreservedunderthePan-AmericanandInternationalCopyright
Conventions
Thisbookmaynotbereproducedinwholeorinpart,inanyformorbyany
means,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopying,recording,orbyany
informationstorageandretrievalsystemnowknownorhereafterinvented,
withoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublisher.


987654321

Digitontherightindicatesthenumberofthisprinting
USLibraryofCongressnumber:2009943391
USISBN978-0-76243-998-0
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CONTENTS
Advice
AllintheMind
America
Animals
Appearance
Arts
BabiesandChildren
BritishTowns&Cities
Britishness
Character
Charity
Christmas
Class
Comedy
Communication
Dating

Death
Democracy
DrinkandDrugs
EducationandIntelligence
TheEnglish
Environment
Etiquette
Europe


FameandCelebrity
Family
Fashion
FilmandTelevision
Food
Friends
GettingonaBit
Happiness
Health
History
HomeComforts
LawandOrder
Literature
Love
MarriageandDivorce
TheMeaningofLife
MenandWomen
Money
Music
PoliticsandPoliticians

Religion
Royalty
School
ScienceandTechnology
TheScottish
Sex
Sexuality
Shopping
Showbusiness


Sport
Athletics
Boxing
Cricket
Football
Golf
HorseRacing
MotorRacing
Rugby
Snooker
Tennis
SuccessandFailure
Travel
Truth
WarandPeace
WeatherandClimate
TheWelsh
Work

ADVICE
Throwingacidiswrong...insomepeople’seyes.
JimmyCarr

Don’tbechuckin’stuffabout,ifyou’resurroundedby
glassan’whathaveya.
KarlPilkington
PeoplelikeColdplayandvotedfortheNazis.Youcan’ttrustpeople,Jeremy.
SuperHans(MattKing),PeepShow
Blamesomeoneelseandgetonwithyourlife.
AlanWoods

“Thinkinthemorning.Actinthenoon.
Eatintheevening.Sleepinthenight.

”

WilliamBlake

Nowhere,yousee,ittakesalltherunningyoucando,tokeepinthesame
place.Ifyouwanttogetsomewhereelse,youmustrunatleasttwiceasfastas
that!
LewisCarroll
Inanunderdevelopedcountrydon’tdrinkthewater.Inadevelopedcountry
don’tbreathetheair.
JonathanRaban
Letyourenemiesbedisarmedbythegentlenessofyourmanner,butatthe

sametimeletthemfeelthesteadinessofyourresentment.


LordChesterfield

“Bathtwiceadaytobereallyclean,onceadaytobepassablyclean,oncea
weektoavoidbeingapublicmenace.
AnthonyBurgess

”

Whensomeoneclosetoyoudies,moveseats.
PeterKay
Myloverwasamidget.Shegavebirthtoatumour.Grandadalwaystoldme:
don’tloseyoursenseofhumour.
JohnDowie

Noproblemisinsolublegivenabigenoughplasticbag.
TomStoppard
There’snosmokewithoutmudbeingflungaround.
EdwinaCurrie
Nothingmattersverymuch,andveryfewthingsmatteratall.
ArthurBalfour

Bewiserthanotherpeople,ifyoucan,butdonottell
themso.
LordChesterfield
Mygeneralapproachisthatyoumustn’tgeneralize.
HarrietHarman

Don’tevertakeafencedownuntilyouknowthereasonitwasputup.
G.K.Chesterton


SavetheworldandyougetmeritinHeaven.
Savetenworldsandyougetafreealarmclockradio.
TomHolt

Firstthingsfirst;secondthingsnever.
ShirleyConran
Toseewhatisinfrontofone’snoseneedsaconstantstruggle.
GeorgeOrwell
Mostidiotsdon’tlosetheirprivacy,theygiveitaway.
ChrissieHynde

Playingitsafewillalwaysendindisaster.
Banksy
Aman’sspermcountcanbeadverselyaffectedbyfactorslikeheat,caffeine
andalcohol,soavoiddippingyourplumsinIrishcoffeebeforesex.
JeremyHardy
Moderationisthelastrefugefortheunimaginative.
OscarWilde
It’sallrightlettingyourselfgo,aslongasyoucangetyourselfback.
MickJagger
Don’tputyourtrustinrevolutions.Theyalwayscomearoundagain.That’s
whythey’recalledrevolutions.Peopledie,andnothingchanges.
TerryPratchett

“Youcannotfashionawitoutoftwohalf-wits.
NeilKinnock

Acommitteeshouldconsistofthreemen,twoofwhomareabsent.

”


HerbertBeerbohmTree

Eighty-twopointsixpercentofstatisticsaremadeup
onthespot.
VicReeves
Ifyoucankeepyourheadwhenallaboutarelosingtheirs,you’llbetaller
thananybodyelse.
TimBrooke-Taylor

Thereareonlytworulesinthisprison,Rudge.Areyou
listeningtome?One:Youdonotwriteonthewalls.Two:
Youobeyalltherules.
MrMackay(FultonMackay),Porridge
Youcannotmakeamanbystandingasheeponitshindlegs.Butbystanding
aflockofsheepinthatpositionyoucanmakeacrowdofmen.
MaxBeerbohm

Idon’tmakepredictions.IneverhaveandIneverwill.
TonyBlair

Everyoneloatheshisowncountryandcountrymenifheisanysortofartist.
LawrenceDurrell
Don’taskanybodyelseiftheythinkyoushoulddoit.Iftheyknewitwasa
goodideathey’dbedoingit.
SimonWoodroofe

Adeskisadangerousplacefromwhichtoviewtheworld.
JohnleCarré
Ifyou’regoingtomakerubbish,bethebestrubbishinit.


RichardBurton
Areyousittingcomfortably?Thengetup.Thisisnotimeforsloth.
MaureenLipman
Thesmallerthefunction,thegreaterthemanagement.
C.NorthcoteParkinson
Towearyourheartonyoursleeveisn’taverygoodplan;youshouldwearit
inside,whereitfunctionsbest.
MargaretThatcher

“Abirdinthehandinvariablyshitsonyourwrist.
BillyConnolly

”

Timeyouenjoywasting,wasnotwasted.
JohnLennon
Havethecouragetobeignorantofagreatnumberofthingsinordertoavoid
thecalamityofbeingignorantofeverything.
RevdSydneySmith
Idon’tencourageanybodytodowhatIdo,youknow?Whyshouldyou?
Moreforme.
KeithRichards
Ihateitwhenpeoplesay,“It’salwaysthelastplaceyoulook.”Ofcourseitis.
Whythehellwouldyoukeeplookingafteryou’vefoundit?
BillyConnolly

Foreveryexpertthereisanequalandoppositeexpert.
ArthurC.Clarke

Chainmailisn’tmuchdefenceagainstanarrow.It
certainlyisn’twhenthearrowisbeingaimedbetween


youreyes.
TerryPratchett
Ifyou’regoingtokickauthorityintheteeth,youmightaswellusetwofeet.
KeithRichards

Biologicallyspeaking,ifsomethingbitesyou,itis
morelikelytobefemale.
DesmondMorris
Amistakewhichiscommonlymadeaboutneuroticsistosupposethatthey
areinteresting.
CyrilConnolly
Sometimesit’sbettertolightaflamethrowerthancursethedarkness.
TerryPratchett
Firstthingsfirst,butnotnecessarilyinthatorder.
DrWho
Itdoesnotdotoleavealivedragonoutofyourcalculations,ifyoulivenear
him.
J.R.R.Tolkien
Argumentsaretobeavoided:theyarealwaysvulgarandoftenconvincing.
OscarWilde

Thelasttimesomeonewasaswrongasyou,waswhenapoliticiansteppedoff
anaeroplanein1939wavingapieceofpaperintheair,saying,“Therewillbe

nowarwithGermany.”
JeremyClarkson

Thinkoutsidethebox,collapsethebox,andtakeafuckingsharpknifetoit.
Banksy


Ifyouarefirstyouarefirst.Ifyouaresecondyouarenothing.
BillShankly

It’simpossibletolookcoolwhilstpickingupaFrisbee.
PeterKay
Whenanyorganizationalentityexpandsbeyondtwenty-onemembers,the
realpowerwillbeinsomesmallerbody.
C.NorthcoteParkinson
FathertoldmethatifIevermetaladyinadresslikeyours,Imustlookher
straightintheeyes.
PrinceCharles

Kids!BringingaboutArmageddoncanbedangerous.
Donotattemptitinyourhome.
TerryPratchett
Ifyou’vebrokentheeggs,youshouldmaketheomelette.
AnthonyEden
Noonecangoonbeingarebeltoolongwithoutturningintoanautocrat.
LawrenceDurrell

Donotdountoothersasyouwouldtheyshoulddo
untoyou;theirtastesmaynotbethesame.
GeorgeBernardShaw

TheonlywaytospendNewYear’sEveiseitherquietlywithfriendsorina
brothel.Otherwise,whentheeveningendsandpeoplepairoff,someoneis
boundtobeleftintears.
W.H.Auden
Logicmerelyenablesonetobewrongwithauthority.


DrWho

“Anythingthatisworthdoinghasbeendonefrequently.Thingshitherto
undoneshouldbegiven,Isuspect,awideberth.

”

MaxBeerbohm

Takecareofthesense,andthesoundswilltakecareofthemselves.
LewisCarroll
Itisdangeroustobesincereunlessyouarealsostupid.
GeorgeBernardShaw
Thegreatestmistakeistryingtobemoreagreeablethanyoucanbe.
WalterBagehot
Oftwoevils,chooseneither.
CharlesH.Spurgeon

Leavethehousebeforeyoufindsomethingworth
stayinginfor.
Banksy
Mostharmisdonebypeoplewhoareawake.
JeremyHardy

Agoodplanisn’tonewheresomeonewins,it’swherenobodythinksthey’ve
lost.
TerryPratchett
Virtueisitsownpunishment.
AneurinBevan

Ifyouaredoingthingsthesamewayastwoyearsago,
youarealmostcertainlydoingthemwrong.


JohnHarvey-Jones
Whenindoubtgotothelibrary.
J.K.Rowling
Whenoneburnsone’sbridges,whataverynicefireitmakes.
DylanThomas
There’snothingmoredangerousthanawoundedmosquito.
MontyPython’sFlyingCircus
Justbecausenobodycomplainsdoesn’tmeanallparachutesareperfect.
BennyHill
Notallwhowanderarelost.
J.R.R.Tolkien
Itseldompaystoberude.Itneverpaystobeonlyhalf-rude.
NormanDouglas
Idealismincreasesindirectproportiontoone’sdistancefromtheproblem.
JohnGalsworthy
Roundnumbersarealwaysfalse.
SamuelJohnson

It’snousecryingoverspiltmilk,becauseallofthe
forcesoftheuniversewerebentonspillingit.

W.SomersetMaugham
Thefatallawofgravity;whenyouaredown,everythingfallsdownonyou.
SylviaTownsendWarner
Onlydullpeoplearebrilliantatbreakfast.
OscarWilde
Sharpeningapencilwithaknifemakesyoufeelreallymanly.


PeterKay
Nevertrustanythingthatcanthinkforitselfifyoucan’tseewhereitkeepsits
brain.
J.K.Rowling

“RuleA:Don’t.RuleA1:RuleAdoesn’texist.RuleA2:Donotdiscussthe
existenceornon-existenceofRulesA,A1orA2.
R.D.Laing

”

TheLawofTriviality...brieflystated,itmeansthatthetimespentonany
itemoftheagendawillbeininverseproportiontothesuminvolved.
C.NorthcoteParkinson

Ifyouwanttoconfuseagirl,buyherapairof
chocolateshoes.
MiltonJones
Dountoothers,thenrun.
BennyHill
Ifyouwantsomethingdoneproperly,killBaldrickbeforeyoustart.
EdmundBlackadder(RowanAtkinson),Blackadder

Ittakeslittletalenttoseewhatliesunderone’snose,agooddealtoknowin
whatdirectiontopointthatorgan.
W.H.Auden

Seriousnessistheonlyrefugeoftheshallow.
OscarWilde
Alwaysliveintheugliesthouseonthestreet–thenyoudon’thavetolookat
it.
DavidHockney


Don’tgiveawomanadvice;oneshouldnevergiveawomananythingshe
can’twearintheevening.
OscarWilde
Pratchett’sguidetomushrooms:One:Allfungiareedible.Two:Somefungi
arenotediblemorethanonce.
TerryPratchett
MyfatherpassedonthefollowingwisdomwhenIwaseighteen:nevertrusta
maninaready-madebowtie;andonemartiniisnotenough,twoisplenty,and
three’stoomany.HesaidthatwasprobablyallIneededtoknow.Hewasright.
SandiToksvig

Bearinmindthesimplerule,X-squaredtothepoweroftwominusfiveoverthe
sevenpointeightthreetimesnineteenisapproximatelyequaltothecuberootof
MCC-squareddividedbyXminusaquarterofathirdpercent.Keepthatin
mind,andyoucan’tgoveryfarwrong.
EricIdle

Alotofpeopleneverusetheirinitiativebecausenoonetoldthemto.
Banksy

Justawarning:Ifyou’reabunchofsexyteenagersatalakewhereothersexy
teenagerswerekilled30yearsago–leave!Theguyintheforestwithahockey
mask...maybedoesn’tplayhockey.
CraigFerguson
Myadvice?Youwannalooktwentyyearsyounger?Standfurtheraway.
JeffGreen
Neverarguewithanidiot,forheisdoingthesame.
LesBarker

Ifyouaregoingthroughhell,keepgoing.
WinstonChurchill


Youknowwhattheysayaboutstampcollecting.Philatelywillgetyou
nowhere.
ChicMurray
Onewaytostoparunawayhorseistobetonhim.
JeffreyBernard

Nevertrustamanwhowhenleftalonewithateacosy
doesn’ttryiton.
BillyConnolly
Ifyouseeawomanstaggeringaroundinpyjamas,it’sprobablyamermaid
doingherbronzesurvivalwalkingbadge.
MiltonJones
Itisabsurdtodividepeopleintogoodandbad.Peopleareeithercharmingor
tedious.
OscarWilde
Neversayahumorousthingtoamanwhodoesnotpossesshumour.Hewill
alwaysuseitinevidenceagainstyou.

HerbertBeerbohmTree

Don’tputoffuntiltomorrowwhatyoucandotoday,
becauseifyoudoittodayandlikeit,youcandoitagain
tomorrow.
BillyConnolly
Nevertrustanycomplicatedcocktailthatremainsperfectlyclearuntilthelast
ingredientgoesin,andthenimmediatelyclouds.
TerryPratchett
WhatabouttheRimmerDirective?Itstatesquiteclearly:Nevertanglewith
anythingthat’sgotmoreteeththantheentireOsmondfamily.
ArnoldRimmer(ChrisBarrie),RedDwarf