The Teenage Years: Advice For Parents On How To Cope doc

The Teenage Years:
Advice For Parents On How To Cope


















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Teenage Years – Advice for Parents on how to Cope

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Introduction

Your teenager no longer tells you about their day. They make new friends
and do not introduce them to you. They are constantly asking to stay out late
on Friday nights. And they colored their hair. Sound familiar? You are not
alone. Teenagers can be a handful for many parents. Most teenagers are not
trouble makers. But most will try to push the boundaries you have set
concerning curfew and grades. Some teenagers will become silent and
withdrawn.

Many parents are at a loss as to what to do when their teenager begins to
separate themselves from the rest of the family. Parents suddenly lose their
footing. They have many questions and concerns.

• Curfews
• Privacy
• Talking
• After school activities
• Wanting your child back
• Working
• Warning signs
• Popularity
• Dating
• College
• Divorce
• Death
• Moving

Although your teenager will grow out of this phase, there is so much to
worry about that parents feel as though they are losing their minds. They can
feel trapped, alone, and scared. But chances are your teenager feels the same
way. Talking to a teenager can be difficult, but it must be done in order to

keep the lines of communication open. Remembering your teen as that cute,
friendly child is not uncommon. But your teenager is past that station in life
and is getting ready to embark on adulthood. Give them the support they will
need when they do start talking to you again.

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Curfews

When your teen reaches high school, they will be making friends, dating,
and joining after school clubs and activities. They will want to go to movies,
visit friends, and hang out at the mall. On Friday and Saturday night, they
will want to stay out past their weekday curfew.

Some teens have jobs that require them to work late on the weekends. You
will have to use your judgment when deciding to give your teenager a longer
curfew. When trying to teach your children how to be independent, you will
have to set boundaries so that your teenager learns how to be responsible,
returns home safely, and stays out of trouble. Curfews can be set up a few
ways.

• Set different times for the weekday and weekend to give your
teenager time to visit friends and see a movie after a long week of
school. Decide on a time by asking for your teens input. You
ultimately have the final say in the curfew, but by giving your teen
room to offer an opinion, they will feel you are listening to them.

• When your teenager goes out on the weekend, designate a time that
they will have to call so that you know where they are and when they
should be home.

• If your teenager works, make sure you have a copy of their work
schedule and a phone number where you can call in case of an
emergency. If you teenager wants to go out after work, they should
call and let you know before leaving work.

• Tell your teenager that curfews will change if you want them to
participate in a family activity. You will give them advanced notice so
that they can plan accordingly.

• Curfew times may also change during the summer.

Make it clear to your teenager that if they do not follow these rules or if their
grades slip, that you will have to revoke curfew privileges. Teenagers need
to know that having an extended curfew is a privilege, not a right. These
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rules may need to be adjusted if your teenager drives or needs to borrow
your car.

Privacy

Privacy is one issue that you and your teenager will have to discuss. Many
teenagers are not happy when their parents enter their room without being
invited. This does not mean that your teenager is hiding anything or is
engaging in illegal activities, they just want their private space.

You will have to decide when it is appropriate to enter your teenagers room
and when not too. Many times they will not mind if you are in their room.
But when they have had a bad day, they will want their privacy.

Other times, it may be necessary to go into their room when they are out and
look around. If you suspect drug use or other illegal activity, then go ahead.
It is better to invade a teenager’s privacy and find nothing, then to not invade
their privacy and discover they were harming themselves. Hopefully, you
will not find anything that is suspect.

You know your teenager. You know their mood swings and you know when
they need to be alone. But when they are acting out more than usual, their
grades start to slip, or they are always in their room, then it may be time to
inspect it.

A need for privacy is a human need. People need different levels of privacy.
Your teenager may never need privacy, or they may need a lot. Most
teenagers like to have their own space, but enjoy when you visit. Finding
this balance is what every parent strives for. Talk to your teenager about
what they expect from you and what you expect from them. Having these
discussions will make situations down the road much easier to deal with.

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Talking

Sometimes talking with your teenager is not easy. They may ignore you, talk
rudely, walk away, or argue. Many times they will not stay around long
enough to start a conversation. How does this happen? How long will it last?
Talking with your teen requires you to find the right times to approach them,
and to know when to stay away. You will have to play by their rules many
times.

Promoting conversation begins by eating at the dinner table at least twice a
week. This could be difficult with everyone’s schedules, but you can have a
Sunday dinner and maybe squeeze in a meal during the week. Have the meal
at the kitchen table and turn off the television. There may be silence for the
first couple of times, but this will change. Do not expect miracles. Asking
your teenager a hundred questions during the meal will not yield a response.
Ask one or two questions. If your teenager answers in one word responses,
let it go. Do not get angry, this will only ruin your meal.

Another way to promote conversation or at least get your teenager in the
same room with you is to not let them have a television in their room. They
will be forced to watch television in the living room. This may be a good
time to talk to them. Many times your teenager will be willing to talk and
will be in a good mood. Teenagers have weird mood swings that are
unpredictable. You will have to do your best to engage them in conversation.

A third way to promote conversation is to take them out to lunch. When food
is involved, most people will be willing to go along for the trip. Other

suggestions are volunteering together for a charity, going on family
vacations, or walks will help when trying to communicate with your
teenager.

Sometimes you will not be able to talk to your teenager. It is important that
you do not get angry as this will only make you more stressed. The silence
will not last. It is important to give your teenager room to be alone, but still
let them know that you are available to talk at any time.

Conversation does not have to be about anything in particular. You can talk
about anything. Sometimes simple conversation can have a bigger impact on
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your teenager’s life then deep conversations. Teenage problems may not
seem like a big deal to adults, but the truth is that they are for the teenager.
Sometimes being able to laugh at a joke or talk about some trivial will help
them relax and forget about their problems.

After School Activities

For many teenagers, what they do after school is the highlight of their day.
Many participate in sports, clubs, or have jobs. Having variety in one’s life
makes it more interesting and challenging. Teenagers need to have goals and
feel like they have a social identity. After school activities provide this and
more.

Most after school programs require that a student maintain a certain grade
point average. This creates goals for the teenager. Not only will they have to
do well in their activities, they will also have to make sure their grades are
acceptable. After school activities will also look good on a student’s
transcript if they want to go to college.

But what happens when your teenager’s activities interfere with their grades,
family time, and sleep? This can happen for many reasons.

• Too many activities – You teenager many have made too many
commitments during the school year. If they are not getting enough
sleep and their grades are beginning to slip, then it is time to talk with
your teenager about cutting back on their after school activities.

• Stress – This can happen if your teenager is feeling they cannot
handle everything they are involved in. You may suggest giving an
activity up.

• New friends – If your teenager is hanging out with people you don’t
know, then get to know who they are. If they are not involved in the
same activities as your teenager, they may be encouraging your
teenager to not participate. Talk to your teenager and find out if this is
the case. Ask them why they would want to give up activities they
enjoy.
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• Harmful activities – If you suspect your child is harming themselves
with drugs or alcohol, confront them and ask questions. Call their
teachers and ask if they have noticed any behavioural changes have
taken place.

Always make sure your teenager can handle everything they sign up for.
You can also set a limit as to how many after school activities they will be
able to participate in. Teach your teenager that once they commit to
something, they have to do their best to follow-through. But if you see that
they are failing, then it may time to lessen the load. Focusing on an
education is what they need to be doing, so suggest that they not volunteer
for so many projects and activities at once. Many schools monitor a
teenagers grades to ensure that they are meeting the requirements to stay
involved in after school activities.


Wanting Your Child Back

After a few years into their teens, you will wish you had your child back.
You will remember the way they used to be. Teenagers change overnight.
They will go from children to teenagers to young adults. Even though, it
may seem your teenager will always be rude, have a negative view of life
sometimes, and will not always want to be with the family, these years pass
by quickly. Soon your teenager will be going away to school or starting a
new job. Their attitude will get better. No, they will never be young again,
but they will always be your child. It is okay to feel this way. All parents
feel this way.

Working

For extra spending money or when they are saving money for college, some
teenagers will get part-time jobs. These jobs are usually on the weekends
and one or two afternoons a week. Treat working like you treat after school
activities. If their grades start to drop, you may want to tell them they can
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only work weekends. If this does not work, then they should not be working
at all except during the summer.

Warning Signs

These may not always be obvious. Teenagers are good at keeping things
from their parents. You will have to keep a close watch and take note of any
changes in emotion or stress levels. Common warning signs include:

• More frequent mood swings
• Grades begin to drop
• Hanging out with new friends
• Depressed more often
• Drastic clothing changes
• Insomnia
• Diet changes
• Withdrawing from friends
• Physical condition deteriorating

These signs could be nothing, but you should stay aware and if these
changes are occurring quickly, then it is time to have a talk with your
teenager. Find out what is going on. Many teenagers find new friends or
experiment with how they look. These signs alone are not enough. But when
they are combined with others on this list, there may be a problem.

If your teenager had a friend who died or a family they were close to pass
away, these changes could be temporary. It is still best to talk with your
teenager just to make sure. If they do not want to talk to you, then you
should suggest a close friend or a counsellor. Many teenagers are simply
depressed and unsure about their future. This will happen as they get closer
to adulthood. They may need guidance in terms of a job counsellor or
college advisor.

Warning signs should not be taken lightly. Protect yourself, your family, and
your teenager by confronting a problem before it becomes too big. Write
down questions you would like to ask beforehand so that you do not get
sidetracked when in the middle of a discussion. You will be happy you did.
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Popularity

There are two sides to popularity. Those who are popular and those who are
not. Whichever way your teenager goes, there will be problems.

• Unpopular children are teased, physically harmed, and treated

poorly by most of their peers. There are various reasons for this. As a
parent, it will be difficult to help your teenager. They will be
embarrassed and not want to talk about their problems. Many
unpopular teenagers have a few friends. Concentrate on the friends
they have, not on the ones they don’t. Suggest to your teenager that
they have friends over, visit other friend’s houses, and try to suggest
activities that will promote friendship and unity.

Concentrating on ways to fix your teenager’s problems will not help
them mature, be more popular, or have the ability to plan for the
future. Unless your child is being physically harmed, it is best to just
listen to their problems. Many times when people talk about things
that are bothering them, they feel better.

You teenager may start out unpopular, but by the time they are
seniors, they will have made a few close friends and have
accomplished much by trying out new interests. Always try to be
encouraging. Allow your teenager to try now hobbies. They will meet
other people, will forget about their problems at school, and will be
able to move past the need to feel accepted all the time.

• Popular children can also have problems. Although these problems
may be different than an unpopular person’s, the basic theme is the
same. Popular teenagers have to go along with what everyone else in
the group is doing even if they don’t want to. This can cause stress
and also make a teenager angry.

Many times they will take their anger out on teenagers who are less
popular. As a parent, you will need to encourage other ways for your
teenager to deal with their anger. Taking out their frustration will not

benefit anyone and could get them into trouble at school.

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Popular children usually have a need to please everyone. This is not a
sign of self confidence. Like an unpopular teenager, a popular
teenager is unsure how to meet expectations of everyone in their
group. Parents should get their teenager to meet new people. In time,
this need to please everyone will disappear. Usually when a teenager
goes to college, they will realize that they do not need to please
others to feel good about themselves.

Dating

Eventually, your teenager is going to want to date. This can be a frightening
time for parents because dating can be dangerous. It can also be fun. Many
parents do not want to take these happy times away from their children.
Communicating with your teenager is the best way to know what is going on
and if they are safe.

Talking with your teenager about dating, sex, pregnancy, and disease in a
frank manner should help them make conscious decisions about their lives.
Be honest with your teenager. Express your views and your opinions. Many
parents have different view points when it comes to dating and sexual
activity, you can only voice what you believe and how you believe your
teenager should be behaving.

You can buy books, bring home brochures, and take your teenager to
lectures to help convey the importance of the decisions they will have to
make. Teenagers will listen, but sadly enough, some will still make
decisions that are not right for them or their future.

You should always stress that you are available if they need to talk and that
you will not judge them. Your teenager should always feel they can talk to
you and ask questions when they have to.

Dating can be a wonderful way to make friends, feel loved by someone
outside one’s family, and also love another person. Many teenagers enjoy
going to movies, bowling, or to the mall with the person they are dating. As
parents, you will have memories of times spent with people you have dated.
Keep the lines of communication open and your teenager will talk to you.

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College

Most teenagers will consider going to college at some point during their high
school years. While this is a wonderful time, planning for college and
realizing your teenager will be going away can be stressful. Planning for
college can take up to two years. Usually a teenager will begin looking for
potential colleges during their junior year of high school. After taking all the
required tests, they will begin sending out applications. College planning

begins with a list of items that will need to be completed.

• Applications and cost
• Essays
• SAT test scores
• High school transcript
• Financial aid information

This is only the beginning. Your teenager may apply to a few schools before
being accepted. Once accepted into a college, you will have to sit down with
your teenager and work out a budget. Depending on where they are going,
they may be able to stay home instead of living in a dorm. This will save
money if under a tight budget. Some teenagers want to live away from
home. There are many financial aid and scholarship packages available. This
will require filling out more paperwork, but it could be worth it if they get
the financial help they will need.

Other expenses include:

• Textbooks
• Clothing
• Supplies
• Food
• Travel expenses

College can be very expensive for everyone. But with a little planning, your
teenager can go to college and have enough money to survive.

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As the time approaches for your teenager to leave for college, you will be
watching them go their prom, graduate high school, and preparing
themselves for what lies ahead. This can be bittersweet for many parents,
even if their teenager isn’t go to college too far away. Try to remain upbeat.

After your teenager leaves, the house will feel empty. Even if you have a
spouse and other children to take care of, you will feel a sense of loss. You
will wait for mid-terms and holidays. Your teenager will begin to change
again. This time they will be young adults. You may be relieved at this pint
and you deserve to be. After years of waiting for the teenager years to end,
you can rejoice.

You may notice that your teenager is more willing to sit and talk, they will
be willing to listen also. This is the beginning of a new phase in their lives
and in yours.


Although parents find dealing with teenagers to be unbearable sometimes,
teenagers can be under stress for various reasons. Like all children, teenagers
are struggling to fit in. They are more concerned than before about being
accepted by a social group. Though these groups may not fit into society in
general, your teenager is looking for group acceptance.

By there will be stress in their lives that they will have no control over.
Divorce, death, and moving can have profound effects on a teenager that
will affect them for years afterward. Parents can only see so much. They

have their own lives and the lives of other children to worry about in
addition to their teenager’s. As mentioned in other sections, the importance
of listening and understanding by showing compassion toward your teenager
may be the only recourse you will have.

Divorce

Divorce at any age can be tough. But for a teenager, divorce can cause many
problems. Logistical problems such as where the teenager will live is a
concern. Parenting becomes a struggle for parents who are living apart.
Teenagers may be very upset about a divorce. They may not say much, but
their entire world has been altered. Learning to live with different people,
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having different rules, and favouring one parent over another may be
difficult.

But there are ways to avoid many of the problems associated with divorce.

• Establish rules between both parents – This will make discipline
easier and other rules concerning curfew, homework, and activities
easier for the teenager to understand. If parents cannot agree on rules,
each parent will set their own. This could lead to problems such as
parental favouritism, illegal activity, and lower grades.

• Talk with your teenager – Be as honest as possible when telling

them the situation. Try not to be negative about the other parent. This
will only make things worse. Tell them what will be happening and
what they should expect.

• Try not to fight in front of your teenager – Couples who are going
through a divorce will say things they will regret. Fighting over the
phone or in person in front of your teenager will force them to take
sides. This could have negative effects on your teenager’s relationship
with you or your spouse. Find other times to discuss matters.

Unfortunately, your teenager will be very angry and will say things they
don’t mean. Although this will hurt, refrain from begin negative. Try to be
understanding and patient.

Death

The death of a parent or close friend can deeply affect a teenager. Since
teenagers have a small view of the world and have not been exposed to the
rest yet, they will hold the people in their lives very dear. Losing one of
these key people could lead to depression that might take months to recover
from. Counselling may help, but oftentimes, your teenager will want to be
with other friends or alone. Respect their decision, but watch their
behaviour. If it seems like they are not making a recovery, you may have to
step in. Dealing with death is never easy. Be sure to tread lightly and try to
help where you can.
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Moving

For a teenager, moving to a new city or state during high school can be
devastating. If your teenager has lived in the same town for their entire lives,
moving at this time in their lives is inconvenient. Other teenagers who have
moved before may not have as many adjustment issues. You can help to
make this transition easier by:

• Encouraging socialization
• Reminding your teenager they are capable of making friends
• New starts can be fun
• Encouraging your teenager to keep up old friendships

For the first few months, your teenager may go through an adjustment
period. They may want to move back, will talk to old friends constantly, and
will not be willing to join new groups. But after a few months, your teenager
may find interesting activities and new friends. Even if your teenager does
not make many friends, they will still have their old friends. As a parent, you
will need to make sure that your teenager does eventually adjust to their new
surroundings.

Encourage your teenager to:

• Decorate their new room
• Talk walks around the new neighbourhood
• Focus on existing hobbies

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Conclusion

Teenagers are strange people. They are unpredictable, are capable of making
many decisions, and are more sensitive than others. You will face many
arguments that will range from small issues like keeping their room clean to
larger issues like drug abuse.

It is your job to guide your teenager into making decisions that will not harm
them. You will not always be successful. This is the reality of raising
children. You only have so much control.

When your teenager reaches their late teen years, they will begin to calm
down. You relationship is now between two adults.
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