divorce without court, a guide to mediation and collaborative divorce (2006)

Divorce
Without Court
A Guide to Mediation and
Collaborative Divorce
by Attorney-Mediator Katherine E. Stoner
1st edition
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Divorce
Without Court
A Guide to Mediation and
Collaborative Divorce
by Attorney-Mediator Katherine E. Stoner
1st edition

First Edition MAY 2006
Editor EMILY DOSKOW
Illustration
SUSAN PUTNEY
Proofreading ROBERT WELLS
Index THÉRÈSE SHERE
Printing CONSOLIDATED PRINTERS, INC.
Stoner, Katherine E., 1947-
Divorce without court : a guide to mediation and collaborative divorce / by Katherine E.
Stoner ; edited by Emily Doskow 1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN 1-4133-0494-X (alk. paper)

1. Divorce mediation United States Popular works. 2. Divorce settlements United

States Popular works. I. Doskow, Emily. II. Title.
KF535.Z9S76 2006
346.7301’66 dc22
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Copyright © 1999, 2004 and 2006 by Katherine E. Stoner. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Printed in the U.S.A.
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Acknowledgments
Thanks to everyone who helped make the original version of this book, Using Divorce
Mediation, a reality, especially Martina Reaves, mediator and friend extraordinaire, and
Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein, colleagues and mentors at the Center for Media
-
tion in Law. Thanks also to Steve Elias and Robin Leonard, editors of the first edition,
and to Emily Doskow, who edited the second edition. My continuing gratitude to the
following people who generously took the time to critique drafts of various chapters:
Dana Curtis, Mary Duryee, Catherine Jermany Elias, Judith Joshel, Patricia McDermott,
Kristin Orliss, Maude Pervere, Tony Roffers, and Susan Walker.
Special thanks to the folks at Nolo who played a part in making the book look so
great, from layout to cover art and graphics (especially the divorce game board—a pic
-
ture really is worth a thousand words).
I am forever indebted to Emily Doskow, Nolo editor, for her role in the transforma
-

tion of the original book to what is found in these pages, for listening to my half-baked
ideas, for superb editing, and for keeping me on track—and on time.
Last, but never least, thanks to my partner Michelle Welsh, to Joseph and Christina,
and to the rest of my friends and family for their support and encouragement.
Dedication
To my clients, whose courage and commitment to the possibility of resolution have
taught me so much.

Table of Contents
I
Introduction
Why Mediate or Collaborate? Consider the Alternative 2
Divorce Decision Continuum 5
Why Mediation or Collaboration Can Be Your Best Option 6
Getting the Most out of This Book 7
Definitions 8
Icons 10
1
The Role of Mediation and Collaborative Law
in the Divorce Process
The Four Divorces 13
Keeping It Simple: The Uncontested Divorce 21
Beyond the Basics: The Contested Divorce 22
Long-Term Effects of a Contested Legal Divorce 31
Mediation and Collaboration: A Different Way to Divorce 31
2
What Happens in Mediation
An Overview of Mediation 34
Introductory Stage 36
Information-Gathering Stage 40

Framing Stage 45
Negotiating Stage 48
Concluding Stage 52
Assessing the Cost of Robert and Fran’s Mediation 54
3
What Happens in a Collaborative Divorce
An Overview of Collaborative Divorce 58
Introductory Stage 62
Information-Gathering Stage 67
Framing Stage 69
Negotiating Stage 72
Concluding Stage 74
Assessing the Cost of Cole and Traci’s Collaborative Divorce 76
Traci and Cole’s Divorce Agreement 78
4
Deciding to Mediate or Collaborate
Is Mediation or Collaboration Right for You? 85
It Takes Two to Tango 96
Comparing Mediation and Collaborative Divorce 96
Mediation vs. Collaboration: Factors to Consider in Choosing
the Right Approach 98
Making Your Choice 103
5
Proposing Mediation or Collaboration
When to Propose Mediation or Collaborative Divorce 106
Who Should Propose Mediation or Collaboration? 111
How to Propose Mediation or Collaborative Divorce 113
Dos and Don’ts of Proposing Mediation or Collaboration 116
Sample Letter Proposing Mediation 120
Sample Letter Proposing Collaborative Divorce 122

6
Finding a Mediator
Shortcut to Finding the Right Mediator 126
Qualified Mediators: What to Look For 127
Finding the Right Fit 131
Who Provides Mediation Services 138
Making a List of Potential Mediators 141
Checking It Twice: Screening and Interviewing Potential Mediators 142
Interviewing and Selecting a Mediator 144
7
Finding a Collaborative Attorney
Shortcut to Finding the Right Collaborative Attorney 150
Qualified Attorneys: What to Look For 151
Finding the Right Fit 153
Making a List of Potential Lawyers 158
Checking It Twice: Screening and Interviewing Potential Lawyers 159
Interviewing and Selecting a Collaborative Lawyer 160
8
Using Advisers and Doing Legal Research
How and When to Use Advisers in Mediation 165
Friends, Romans, and Countrymen 168
Legal Adviser 169
Counselor 177
Financial Adviser 180
Specialized Advisers 184
Coordinating Your Advisers 186
Finding Answers to Legal Questions: Legal Research Online and Off 186
Law Libraries 187
Legal Research on the Internet 189
Additional Legal Research on the Web 190

9
Getting Started on Information-Gathering
Step One: Remember Vital Statistics 194
Step Two: Assess Your Children’s Needs 195
Step Three: Locate and Copy Important Documents 196
Step Four: Inventory Your Assets and Debts 198
Step Five: Summarize Your Income and Make a Budget 203
Step Six: Pause to Reflect 210
10
Preparing for and Making the Most of the
First Session
Getting Ready 212
The First Mediation Session 217
Mediator Approaches and Styles 219
Mediator Neutrality and Bias 225
Confidentiality of the Mediation 226
Agreement to Mediate 228
Take Time to Make Notes 228
11
Evaluating Your Progress in Mediation
or Collaborative Divorce
Evaluating the Decision to Mediate or Use Collaborative Divorce 230
Monitoring Your Progress 233
12
Communicating in Mediation or
Collaborative Divorce
What Is Communication? 236
What Can Go Wrong in Communications? 237
Tips for Good Communication 238
Tips for Communicating About Problems 240

Handling Strong Emotions in Communication 242
13
Negotiating in Mediation and Collaborative Divorce
We Negotiate All the Time 252
What Makes for a Successful Negotiation? 253
Prepare for the Negotiation 272
Negotiate Clearly, Firmly, and Respectfully 277
14
Court-Sponsored Mediation
Types of Court-Sponsored Mediation Programs 280
How Court-Sponsored Mediation Works 282
Voluntary Mediation: To Try or Not? 284
Mandatory Mediation: Opting Out 286
If You Can’t Opt Out of Mandatory Mediation 287
Preparing for Court-Sponsored Mediation 288
Attending the Mediation Session 292
After the Mediation Session 294
15
Encountering Difficulties in Mediation
and Collaboration
Four-Step Approach to Dealing With Difficulties 299
Discrepancies Between This Book and Your Experience 300
Delays and Disconnects 301
Tantrums and Other “Bad” Behavior 303
Extreme Discomfort in Mediation 304
Impasse: Negotiation Hits a Brick Wall 306
Last-Minute Changes and Demands 309
Dealing With Persistent Problems 310
Leaving Mediation Without Burning Your Bridges 312
Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way 312

16
Writing Up the Agreement
Interim or Temporary Agreements 317
Partial Agreements 317
Why Put Interim and Partial Agreements in Writing? 317
Writing Up the Final Settlement 319
17
Women and Men in Mediation and
Collaborative Divorce
Historical Background 326
Gender and Mandatory Mediation 328
Gender and Voluntary Mediation 328
Common Gender-Related Obstacles 328
18
Unmarried Couples in Mediation and Collaboration
Untying the Nonmarital Knot: Opportunities and Pitfalls 338
Successful Mediation or Collaborative Separation 342
19
Mediation and Collaboration After Divorce
Dealing With Changes in the Divorce Agreement 346
Mediating New Relationship Issues 349
Appendix
Index

Introduction
Why Mediate or Collaborate? Consider the Alternative 2
Divorce Decision Continuum 5
Why Mediation or Collaboration Can Be Your Best Option 6
Getting the Most out of This Book 7
Definitions 9

Icons
10
2 DIVORCE WITHOUT COURT
I
t’s happened. The thing you thought
would never happen to your
marriage. You and your spouse are
divorcing. Your friends tell you, “You
need protection. Get yourself a good
lawyer.” You call a lawyer who has been
highly recommended. The lawyer wants a
$5,000 retainer, payable at the time of the
first appointment.
You consider doing your own divorce.
You look at a self-help book. The forms
and procedure seem overwhelming.
Besides, the book says it’s only for people
who have ironed out their differences.
Every time you and your spouse try to
talk about how you will divide things up,
who will have custody of the children,
and how much child support will be
paid, you end up arguing without getting
anywhere.
Even if you and your spouse can agree
on everything, you’re afraid you might
overlook something. You want some help
with the divorce, but you can’t afford
the huge retainers that lawyers charge.
What’s more, you’re afraid of starting your

own personal version of World War III by
getting lawyers involved.
If you find yourself in this sort of
situation, you will benefit from reading
this book. We describe how you can
get as much help as you need for the
divorce—at a price you can afford—by
using a neutral professional known as
a mediator or by seeking out lawyers
who offer a new approach to resolving
the issues in divorce cases, called
“collaborative law” or “collaborative
divorce.” A mediator or two collaborative
lawyers, one for each of you, can help
you and your spouse reach a complete
agreement that will settle your divorce
case without a costly legal battle. A
mediator does not impose a decision on
you. Nor do your collaborative lawyers
decide for you. The two of you decide
what’s best for you, with their help.
What Exactly Is Mediation?
Mediation is a process in which
you and your spouse negotiate an
acceptable agreement with the help of
a neutral third party—the mediator—
who assists you in negotiating, but
who does not make the decisions
for you. If, before reading further,
you want to know more about how

mediation can work to produce
a voluntary settlement between
divorcing spouses, skip ahead to
Chapter 2 and give it a good browse.
Why Mediate or Collaborate?
Consider the Alternative
Deciding whether or not to mediate
or collaborate requires that you make
an informed choice. While divorce
mediation has grown in popularity quite
substantially during the past few years,
it’s still a relatively new concept in many
parts of the country. Collaborative divorce
INTRODUCTION 3
is an even newer phenomenon, and it is
only just beginning to take hold in many
places. As you consider these options,
it’s important to first understand how
divorces have traditionally been handled.
We live in an adversarial culture, so
it’s no surprise that our legal system is
adversarial as well. If you doubt this,
note how the media thrives on reporting
conflict in and out of court. In our legal
system, every court case is like a war or
a duel. The opposing party is an enemy
who cannot be trusted. We hire lawyers
to attack the other side and “protect” us,
our property, and our honor. Lawyers
plan their strategies carefully, trying to get

the best advantage for their clients and
crush the opposition. Often, cases settle
at the last minute, with no one feeling
very good about it.
If the case doesn’t settle, the lawyers
do battle in the courtroom before a
judge and maybe a jury—although juries
are rarely involved in divorce cases.
At the end of the case, the judge or
jury considers everything that has been
presented and decides the outcome.
Sometimes there is a clear “winner.”
Sometimes both sides feel like they’ve
lost. Often, no one feels that justice has
been done—mainly because the result
has been dictated by laws that seem fair
to no one. And, to add insult to injury,
when the dust settles both sides realize
that whatever money or property they
were fighting over has been depleted by
legal fees.
Taking a case through an adversarial
legal proceeding is called “litigation.”
Litigation is extremely expensive because
of the hours spent by the lawyers in
assembling information, investigating, and
What Exactly Is
Collaborative Divorce?
Like mediation, collaborative divorce
(also called collaborative law, or

collaborative practice) is a process in
which you and your spouse negotiate
an acceptable agreement with some
professional help. Instead of using one
neutral mediator, you and your spouse
hire specially trained collaborative
attorneys who advise and assist you in
negotiating the settlement agreement.
Ordinarily, both spouses and their
attorneys sign a “no court” agreement
that requires the attorneys to withdraw
from the case if a settlement is not
reached and the case goes to court.
A collaborative divorce may also
involve other professionals, such as
child custody specialists or neutral
accountants, who are committed to
helping you settle your case without
litigation. If, before reading further,
you want to know more about how
collaborative divorce can work to
produce a voluntary settlement
between divorcing spouses, skip
ahead to Chapter 3 for a more
complete description of what happens
in a typical collaborative divorce.
4 DIVORCE WITHOUT COURT
preparing for trial, in addition to the time
spent in trial, which can be days, weeks,
or even months. Litigation is also very

time-consuming and emotionally draining
for the parties in the lawsuit.
Litigation is a terrible way to make the
personal decisions that a divorce entails—
decisions that will affect you, your
spouse, and your children for a long time
to come. But litigation is the way those
decisions will be made if you and your
spouse can’t come up with an agreement.
When you litigate your divorce, your
spouse becomes your intimate enemy.
Your adversarial lawyer will probably
advise you not to talk to your spouse
directly about the issues, but to com-
municate through your lawyer. Not only
is this expensive, but it can lead to seri-
ous misunderstandings that further erode
trust and respect between you and your
spouse. And imagine what harm it can do
to your children.
EXAMPLE: Ellen and Joe are getting
divorced after 15 years of marriage.
They have several mutual funds and
other investments that are managed
by a financial planning firm called
XYZ Company. While their breakup
hasn’t always been easy, they both
want to be fair in the divorce.
Following the advice of their relatives
and friends, each has hired a lawyer

to handle the divorce case.
When Joe moves out of the house
that he and Ellen have been living in,
he calls the broker at XYZ Company
and leaves a message letting the
broker know his new address. The
broker’s assistant takes the message
and puts in for a change of address
on all of the mutual funds and other
investments jointly owned by Ellen
and Joe. Joe is unaware that this has
been done.
A month or so goes by and Ellen
realizes that she hasn’t received
statements for the investments. She
calls XYZ Company and is informed
that Joe changed the mailing address
on all the accounts the previous
month. Ellen’s first impulse upon
learning this is to call Joe and
demand an explanation. If she did
so, she would learn that this was not
something Joe did, and the problem
would be cleared up.
Instead, following her lawyer’s
advice, Ellen does not contact Joe
but passes the information on to her
lawyer.
Ellen’s lawyer tells her she needs
a restraining order requiring that

the addresses be reinstated and
preventing Joe from taking similar
actions in the future. The lawyer also
recommends a court order putting a
freeze on all investments and bank
accounts. The lawyer fires off a letter
to Joe’s lawyer and proceeds to
file a motion (written request) with
the court. Joe’s lawyer responds to
Ellen’s restraining order requests
INTRODUCTION 5
with counterattacks and requests on
behalf of Joe. Soon, what could have
been a civil and respectful end to
the marriage has mushroomed into
an antagonistic and expensive court
battle.
This scenario, or some form of it, is
played out in countless divorces across
the country every year. Even though most
divorce cases settle before an actual court
trial, and even though some lawyers try
to downplay the adversarial aspects of
a litigated divorce case, many divorcing
couples experience the embittering effects
that litigation tends to produce as their
lawyers spar with each other, often on
the basis of incomplete or inaccurate
information. Minor misunderstandings that
could have been cleared up with a direct

conversation, like the change of address
snafu in Joe and Ellen’s case, instead
ignite major conflagrations.
Fortunately, there are alternatives to
adversarial divorce litigation. In fact,
there are several alternatives, as discussed
below. For most people, the best of
those alternatives is either mediation or
collaborative divorce, or sometimes a
combination of the two.
Divorce Decision Continuum
When discussing mediation, legal experts
often put it into a category generally
referred to as “alternative dispute
resolution,” or ADR, because mediation
is an alternative to adversarial litigation.
The D in ADR underscores the problem
with using litigation to decide divorce
issues. The assumption is that there is a
dispute that must be resolved, either in
litigation or in an alternative process. For
most divorcing couples, this assumption is
incorrect.
It’s true that divorcing spouses have
many decisions to make, and they may
have different points of view on those
decisions. But this doesn’t mean that
they have an actual dispute that has to
be resolved. They may simply need help
making the decisions together. Often, the

questions are just how much and what
kind of help they need. So step away
from the adversarial assumptions. Rather
than looking at resolving your divorce
issues through either adversarial litigation
or an alternative to it, consider your
options in terms of a continuum (sliding
scale) of different ways you and your
spouse can make the decisions you need
to make in order to get divorced.
As you can see, you retain the most
control and spend the least money if you
and your spouse do your own divorce
from beginning to end. At the other
extreme, where you have the least control
and spend the most money, is adversarial
litigation. In between are several options.

Mediation may not work if there’s a
power imbalance. If there is a power
imbalance between divorcing spouses,
6 DIVORCE WITHOUT COURT
doing the divorce without any outside
help will be less expensive than litigating.
However, it may also mean less control,
not more, for the less-powerful spouse,
because the other will dominate. This may
be a situation in which you will be better off
choosing to be represented by collaborative
attorneys who can make sure that the

power imbalance is addressed. If you have
concerns about a power imbalance in your
relationship, see Chapters 3 and 15. If the
power imbalance is gender-related, take a
look at Chapter 17.
Unless you and your spouse feel
completely comfortable with your ability
to negotiate everything yourselves and do
all your own paperwork for the divorce,
you will probably want some professional
help. Mediation or collaboration is the
next-best option on the continuum. It
provides the specific help you need while
keeping costs down and letting you stay
in control of what happens.
Why Mediation or
Collaboration Can Be
Your Best Option
In mediation, a neutral third party helps
you and your spouse negotiate a complete
settlement of all the issues that must be
decided in your divorce. The mediator
does not decide for you, so you have
control over the outcome of the case. In
mediation, you and your spouse com-
municate directly as much as possible.
Even when you communicate through the
mediator, having fewer people involved
in the communication cuts down on the
chances of a misunderstanding.

In a collaborative divorce, you and
your spouse are both represented
throughout the entire process by
specially trained collaborative lawyers
who are committed to helping the two
of you make decisions together. You
meet separately with your own attorney
and the four of you meet together on
a regular basis, in “four-way” meetings.
Collaborative divorce involves more
professionals than mediation. Therefore,
Divorce Decision Continuum
Most Control Least Control
Least Expense Most Expense
Do your own Mediation Collaboration Nonadversarial Arbitration Litigation
divorce (one neutral (collaborative (lawyers (neutral third

person assists lawyers help negotiate person

you to reach you decide) —see Chapter 8) decides)

a decision)
INTRODUCTION 7
it is likely to be more expensive, and the
collaborative lawyers need to be skilled in
communicating effectively and accurately.
Mediation is informal. You and your
spouse, with the mediator’s help, set
all the ground rules for exchanging
information. You control the timing and

the scope of the entire process, without
having to adhere to elaborate (and
expensive) legal procedures. Mediation
usually takes much less time than
litigation. It can even take place all in
one day, although most divorcing couples
meet for several sessions on separate
days over a period of days or weeks or
months.
Collaborative divorce is also informal,
although it may be somewhat less flexible
than mediation, because there are more
people’s schedules and perspectives to
accommodate.
In both mediation and collaboration,
you can still use other advisers, such as
child specialists and financial analysts,
and if you mediate, consulting divorce
lawyers, but you—not your advisers—are
in control of the process. They are there
to help you successfully mediate your
case. The mediator or the consulting
lawyers help keep you and any other
advisers on track so that things don’t
spin out of control as they did in Joe and
Ellen’s case.
Eventually, you will have to have some
contact with a domestic relations or family
court to get legally divorced. Through
mediation or collaboration, you can keep

that contact brief and manageable. Once
you use mediation to reach agreement
on all the issues, you’ll make the legal
part of the divorce a simple, uncontested
procedure that doesn’t require a trial
or contentious hearings on points of
evidence and pretrial maneuvers.
Alas, mediation doesn’t work for
everyone. Nor does collaborative divorce.
Some people need a more structured,
less direct way to handle the divorce.
Mediation or collaboration can and do
work for most people, however.
Getting the Most out of
This Book
In the next several chapters, we describe
• how mediation or collaboration
fits into the overall divorce process
—See Chapter 1
• how to decide whether and when
to mediate or use a collaborative
process—See Chapter 4
• how to find the right mediator
or collaborative lawyer for your
situation—See Chapters 6 and 7
• how to get your spouse to agree
to mediate or collaborate—See
Chapter 5
• how to prepare for mediation or
collaborative divorce—See Chapters

9 and 10.
We also give you a description of what
happens in a typical mediation, using a
hypothetical couple in Chapter 2, and
8 DIVORCE WITHOUT COURT
we give a similar description of a typical
collaborative divorce in Chapter 3.
You’ll learn how to communicate
and negotiate effectively in mediation
or collaboration and how to deal with
problems that arise. We also give you
guidelines on selecting and working
with other advisers while you are going
through the process, and we spend some
time looking at how you can write up
your settlement in a binding and legally
enforceable agreement.
In the latter part of the book, we spend
some time on specific issues, including:
• how a spouse’s gender may affect
the process (Chapter 17)
• how to use mediation or collabora-
tion if you are ending a nonmarital
relationship, rather than a legal mar-
riage (Chapter 18)
• how to use mediation or collabora-
tion to resolve postdivorce issues
such as changes in child custody and
support arrangements (Chapter 19),
and

• how to use mediation or
collaboration to hammer out a
financial agreement with a new
spouse or partner (Chapter 19).
To use this book most effectively,
first read Chapters 1, 2, 3, and 4. Then,
depending on your situation, use the
Your Situation Read (or Skip)
You and your spouse have agreed to mediate
Skip Chapter 5
You and your spouse have agreed to a collaborative process
Skip Chapter 5
You and your spouse have picked your mediator
Skip Chapters 6 & 7
You and your spouse have picked your collaborative attorneys
Skip Chapters 6 & 7
You are going to your first meeting with your collaborative attorney
Read Chapter 9
You are about to attend your first mediation session
Read Chapters 9 & 10
You need help in communicating and negotiating during the process
Read Chapters 12 & 13
You are using court-sponsored mediation
Read Chapter 14
You want help in selecting and using an adviser
Read Chapter 8
You encounter difficulties while you are mediating or collaborating
Read Chapter 15
You are ready to write up your divorce

(separation or marital settlement) agreement
Read Chapter 16
You are interested in reading about gender differences in mediation
Read Chapter 17
You are ending a nonmarital relationship and want to learn how to
use mediation in your situation
Read Chapter 18
You are already divorced and want to try mediation to settle a new
issue that has come up with your ex-spouse
Read Chapter 19
INTRODUCTION 9
remaining chapters to help you go
through the mediation or collaborative
process step by step. The chart above
shows which chapters you may want
to read (or skip) depending on your
situation.

Let your mediator or collaborative
lawyer be your guide. If you decide to
mediate, use your mediator when you need
help. If you choose a collaborative process,
seek assistance from your collaborative
attorney. We hope you will find this book
useful as you consider whether to mediate
or collaborate and as you go through the
process. But we cannot cover every possible
contingency that might arise. So don’t be
surprised if things happen in your mediation
or collaborative divorce that don’t look like

what we’ve described in this book. When
that occurs, use your mediator or collabora-
tive lawyer to answer your questions. If your
mediator or your lawyer tells you something
inconsistent with what we’re saying here,
and if what he or she says sounds reason-
able in the context of what you are going
through, feel free to ignore our suggestions
and go with what your mediator or lawyer
tells you.
Definitions
Throughout this book, we’ll use certain
terms that have specific meanings. We’ll
try to define them for you when they
come up. But there are a few terms we
use so often that it makes sense to define
them now.
Divorce. We use this word to refer to
the legal process of ending a marriage.
The technical legal word for divorce
in your state might be different, such
as “dissolution of marriage.” If you
are ending a nonmarital relationship,
you may think of yourselves as getting
divorced, but the law doesn’t. In the eyes
of the legal system, you’re breaking up,
or if it gets to court, you’re dissolving
a partnership, just as if business
partners chose to end their relationship.
Nevertheless, we use the word divorce

to include the end of a nonmarital
relationship.
Spouse. We use this term rather than
“husband” or “wife” because it can refer
to either gender. We also intend it to
cover nonmarital partners. Occasionally,
when it seems appropriate, we will use
the word “partner” in addition to or
instead of “spouse.”
Fictional characters. To illustrate
several of the points in this book, we’ll
introduce you to several fictional couples.
Some will make only a cameo appearance
once in the book. Other couples appear
a few times. You’ve already met Joe and
Ellen. In Chapter 1, we’ll introduce you
to Lucinda and Franco, another couple
dragged into costly adversarial litigation.
In Chapter 2, you’ll get an insider’s view
of Robert and Fran’s mediation.
Your Situation Read (or Skip)
You and your spouse have agreed to mediate
Skip Chapter 5
You and your spouse have agreed to a collaborative process
Skip Chapter 5
You and your spouse have picked your mediator
Skip Chapters 6 & 7
You and your spouse have picked your collaborative attorneys
Skip Chapters 6 & 7
You are going to your first meeting with your collaborative attorney

Read Chapter 9
You are about to attend your first mediation session
Read Chapters 9 & 10
You need help in communicating and negotiating during the process
Read Chapters 12 & 13
You are using court-sponsored mediation
Read Chapter 14
You want help in selecting and using an adviser
Read Chapter 8
You encounter difficulties while you are mediating or collaborating
Read Chapter 15
You are ready to write up your divorce

(separation or marital settlement) agreement
Read Chapter 16
You are interested in reading about gender differences in mediation
Read Chapter 17
You are ending a nonmarital relationship and want to learn how to
use mediation in your situation
Read Chapter 18
You are already divorced and want to try mediation to settle a new
issue that has come up with your ex-spouse
Read Chapter 19