how to invent everything a survival guide for the stranded time traveler (2018, riverhead books) compressed

RIVERHEADBOOKS

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Copyright©2018byRyanNorth
Illustrations©2018byLucyBellwood.PublicdomainimagesofTheLastSupper,TheSchoolofAthens,
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withNASA.We’renotmessingaroundhere.
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permission.YouaresupportingwritersandallowingPenguintocontinuetopublishbooksforeveryreader.
EbookISBN9780735220164
Theinformationandinstructionsinthisbookinvolvematerialsandactivitiesthatmaybedangerous.The
publisherandauthorarenotresponsibleforanyinjuriesordamagethatmayresultfromtheuseofsuch
informationandinstructions.That’sright:you’reabouttoreadabooksobadass,ithastoincludealegal
disclaimeratthefront.Andbythetimeyoufinishthisbookandknowitssecrets,you’llbeabletoapply
thatexactsamebadassdisclaimertoyourself.“Hi,”you’llsay,holdingoutyourhandwheneveryoumeet
someonenew,“I’m[YourNameHere].Andjustsoyouknow:thepersonyouareabouttomeetknows
materialsandactivitiesthatmaybedangerous.”
It’sgoingtobeamazing.
Version_1


ANOTEFORREADERS
Ididn’twritethisguide.Ifoundit.Itwaswhollyencasedinbedrock,
andIknowthatbecauseIwastheonewhobrokethatheavygranulite

stoneopen.IwasworkingconstructionforafewweeksbecauseI
hearditpaidwell.
Itdidnot.
IcantellyouthatIpersonallydon’thavethetechnologytoplacea
bookinsidesolidstone.Nobodydoes.I’vetriedtohavethebook
carbondated,butthat’simpossible:whateverexoticpolymerthe
guidewasprintedon,it’sonethatdoesn’tincludecarbon.ThestoneI
founditincanbedated,ofcourse:it’sPrecambrian,whichmeansit
predateshumans,dinosaurs,andmostlifeonEarth.Precambrian
rocksaresomeoftheoldestrocksontheplanet.
So,nohelpthere.
Thereisobviouslythepossibilitythatthetextyou’reabouttoread
ispartofawell-constructedandincrediblyexpensiveprank,
accomplishedusingtechnologyunknowntotherestoftheworld,
includingthetechnologytoinsertobjectsinsidesolidrockwhile
maintainingaprofiletoleranceofunder10-4mm.Itseemsunlikely.
Butthealternative—thattimetravelispossible,thatsomewhereitis
beingpracticed,andthatourentireuniverseisbutacopyspunoff
fromtheiroriginalatsomeunknownpointinthepast—alsoseems
impossible.
I’veresearchedalltheclaimsmadeinthisguide.Everythingthat
canbeverifiedhasbeen,andthetextappearstobeanhonest,sincere,
andaccurateefforttoexplainhowtorebuildcivilization,from
scratch,inanytimeperiodinEarth’shistory.Allhistoricalevents
mentionedinthetextlineupwithourown,thoughwiththeguide’s


focusontechnologyandcivilizationinsteadofnationsandpeople,
therearefewerdatesandindividualstocompareagainstthanyou
mightexpect.“Their”worldappearstobemuchlikeours,onlybetter:

theyhaveahigherleveloftechnology,agreaterunderstandingof
history,and,ofcourse,consumer-marketrentaltimemachines.
There’sachancethatwealsomightonedayinventtimetravel,in
whichcasetheclaimsmadeherecouldfinallybeverifiedandwe
coulddiscoverwhen,andhow,thisimpossiblebookendedup
embeddedinthesolidrockofwhatwouldeventuallybecomethe
CanadianShield.
Ontheotherhand,wemightnot.
Theguidethatfollowsispresentedinitsoriginalandunaltered
format,exceptfortheendnotes,whichIaddedintwocases:whenI
thoughtclarificationorreferencestosupplementarytextswouldbe
helpful,orwhenaclaimwasbeingmadeintheoriginaltextthat
reachedbeyondourcurrentscience,engineering,orhistorical
knowledge.Footnotesarepresentedasintheoriginaltext,andno
otherchangeshavebeenmadetocontentorpresentation.Theoriginal
illustrationsintheguide,creditedtoone“LucyBellwood,”havealso
beenincluded.Thereisanartistworkingunderthatnameinour
world;sheclaimstohavenoknowledgeofthisbookoritsorigins,
andIhavenoreasontodoubther.
Finally,Ishouldtouchonwhatisperhapsthemostunlikelynote
ofallinthis.Thetechnicalwriterresponsibleforthisguideshareshis
namejustonce,andthenonlyinafootnote.Itisthesameasmine.
PartofmeknowsIcan’treadmuchintothis:therearealotofRyan
Northsoutthere,andI’veemailedmostofthem.Ourwritercouldbe
analternate-timelineversionofanyofus.Orhecouldbesomeone
new,someonewithnoparallelinourworld.Maybeatime-travel
accidentleftthisbookembeddedinstonesomewhereinourdistant
past,strandingthetravelerthere,orinsomeothertime,changingour
worldinsmallbutsignificantwaysthatwemayneverteaseapart.
Maybethat’swhywedon’thavetimetravel.

Or,again,maybethisisalljustpartofanincrediblyexpensive
prank.
IknowwhatIbelieve.Iknowhowincredibly,cosmicallyunlikely
itisthatIwouldeverfindthisguideandsharemynamewithits
authorandknowaLucyBellwoodtoo.AndifyouthinkperhapsI’m
involvedinsomedeceptionwiththistext,IwillrepeatwhatIsaidat
thestartofthissection:Ididn’twritethisguide.
Atleast...notinthistimeline.
I’mthrilledtoshare,forthefirsttime,acompleteandunabridged
copyofwhatwasoriginallytitledTheTimeTraveler’sHandbook:
HowtoRepairYourFC3000™TimeMachine,andThenHowto
ReinventCivilizationfromScratchWhenThatDoesn’tWork.


Thosewhocannotrememberthepastarecondemnedtorepeatit.
—GeorgeSantayana,philosopher,essayist,andpoet
1905CE

Thosewhocannotrememberthepastarecordiallyinvitedto
revisitit.
—JessicaBennett,CEOofChronotixSolutions,proudmanufacturers
oftheFC3000™
2043CE


INTRODUCTION

CongratulationsonyourrentaloftheFC3000™!TheFC3000™isastate-ofthe-artpersonaltimemachinethatallowsyoutoexperiencetheentirerangeof

humanendeavor,fromtheearliestchimpanzee-humandivergence(in12,100,000
BCE,thebackwardlimitofthisrentalunlessyouhavepurchasedthe
ProtoprimateEncounterPak)tothelatestmass-marketportablemusicplayers
(presentday).
Notethattraveltoanytimeslaterthan1.5secondsaftertheinstantyouleft
yourpersonalpresent(“thefuture”)isnotpermittedwiththisrental,anda
sensitivechronometerhasbeeninstalledtodetectanddisableanyattemptsto
visittheseperiods.
PleasecarefullystudythefeaturesoftheFC3000™,depictedonthe
followingpage.Federalregulationsrequireustoinformyouthatduetothe
natureofgeneticandacquiredimmunity,therearealargenumberofdiseasesto
whichpresent-dayhumansareimmunebutwhichhavenotyetbeenencountered
bypasthumanity.Foryoursafety,andthesafetyofthosearoundyou,multiple
biofiltersinstalledthroughouttheFC3000™worktoensurethatyour
appearanceinthepastwillnotobliterateallhumanlifewiththeintroductionof
dozensofdeadlyplaguesandpestilencesinasingleinstant.


Figure1:TheFC3000™.
AllotherfeaturesoftheFC3000™depictedaboveareself-explanatory.


FREQUENTLYASKED
QUESTIONSBYNEWTIME
TRAVELERS

Q:Willtravelingtothepastdestroythepresent,duetothe
“butterflyeffect,”whichtheymadeseveralmoviesabout
(2004,2025,2034,etc.)?
A:No.Thosefilmswerebasedonaspeculativeunderstandingoftime

travelthat,thankfully,isnotaccurate.Inreality,anytemporal
machinery—includingthestate-of-the-artFC3000™rental-market
timemachine—createsanew“timeline,”orsequenceofevents,
witheachtripbackintime.Observethefollowingillustration:


Figure2:TravelingthroughtimewiththeFC3000™.

Eachtriptothepastcreatesaneweventsequencefortheworld,
beginningwiththeintrusionofthetimemachineintohistory.In
effect,witheachtripbackintime,youarecreatinga“what-if”
universe,allproceedingfromthepremiseof“whatifatime
travelercamebackandvisitedthisparticulartimeinastate-ofthe-artFC3000™rental-markettimemachine?”Whenyoureturn
home,yourFC3000™willtravelthroughspace,time,and
timelines,alwaysreturningyoutoyouroriginal,unalteredhistory.


Figure3:ReturningbackhomewiththeFC3000™.

Putsimply,eventhemostegregioustimetravelercannotaffectthe
present,butmerelyanalternateonecreatedbytheirtime
traveling.Feelfreetosteponasmanybutterfliesasyouseefit.
Q:CanIinteractwithmypastself?
A:Yes.Itisnotrecommended.Youwilllikelynoticeyoudonotlook
asgoodfrombehindasyouthought.Pleasenotethatdespitethe
FC3000™offeringtraveltoanypointinhumanhistory,thefirst
instinctmanyclientshaveistoarrangeanencounterwiththeir
pastselves.WerespectfullysuggestthattheFC3000™wasbuilt
toexploretime,tobetterunderstandtheoriginsofhumanityand
thepotentialofourselvesandourworld,andthatchoosingtovisit

yourselfsuggestsyousincerelybelieveyouarethemost
interestingpersonontheplanetinanytimeperiod.Bydefinition
thiscanonlybeaccurateinonecaseandisthereforelikelynot
accurateinyours.Weinviteyoutoreconsider.
Q:CanIgivemypastselflotterynumbers?


A:Anylotterynumbersyougivewillbenefitanotheryou,andnot
youpersonally.
Q:CanIgivemypastselflotterynumbers,andthenkillmypast
selfandtaketheirplace,sothatthelotterywinningsgotome
instead?
A:Yes.However,youmayhavetoanswertotheauthoritiesinthat
timeperiod.
Q:Willbeingrichinthepastmakemehappy?
A:Itmight.
Q:Ifnotmypastself,thenwhomshouldIvisit?
A:Theexpanseofhumanhistoryspreadsoutbeforeyou,awaiting
yourcuriousandempatheticgaze.Thatsaid,aspartofourlegally
mandatedcommitmenttocustomersatisfactionatChronotix
Solutions,wehavecreatedseveralChrononaut’sChoice
pamphlets,whichyouwillfindstoredbeneathyourseatinthe
FC3000™.Eachincludesnotjustbackgroundinformationand
space-timecoordinatesforoneofourmanyartisanallyselected
pointsinhistory,butalsothedescriptionsofthespecifichistorical
personagesandprecisesentencesyoumustsaytotheminorderto
besweptupinanepicadventure.PopularpamphletsincludeHow
toGetMichelangelo,Rembrandt,andVincentvanGoghtoPaint
YourPortraitforFree;ChooseYourSideintheBattleof
Marathon!;JointheRoanokeColonyandSeeWhatHappens;and

1001WackyPlacestoShootAdolfHitler.Followourguide,orfeel
freetogooff-scriptwheneveryouwant.
Q:IfeverytimeItravelbackintimeitcreatesanewalternate
timeline,sonothingIcandoaffectsmyowntimeline,then
isn’ttimetravelpointless?


A:Ifgoingbackintimedidaffecttheoriginaluniverseweallcome
from,thenitwouldbewildlyirresponsibletorentouttime
machineswilly-nillytomembersofthegeneralpublic.Alterations
arenotpointless,however:rememberthatthesealternatetimelines
youcreateinyourtravelsareidenticaltooursineveryway,except
withtheadditionofyou,thetimetraveler.Thepeopleinthese
newtimelinesare,byanymeasure,justasrealasthepeopleyou
knowinyourowntimeline.
Q:Wait.Ifthat’strue,aren’ttherehugelystaggeringethical
implicationstotheideathatwecancreatewholealternate
realities—entireuniversesjustasvalidasourownandfilled
withjustasmanypeople(more,actually,sincenowthere’san
extratimetravelerthere!)—simplyforthepurposeof
entertainment?
A:Wehaveseveralethicistsonstaffwhohaveassuredus,inno
uncertainterms,thatthisistotallyfine.Inaddition,pleasekeepin
mindthatthesealternaterealitiesarenotjustforthepurposeof
entertainment.Theyhavealsobeenusedforminingandresource
extraction.
Q:WhatifsomethinggoeswrongwithmyFC3000™time
machine?
A:TheFC3000™isthemostreliabletimemachineontherental
markettoday.However,aswithanyactivityinvolvingunstable

Einstein-Rosenbridgesconstructedacrossdisparate
spatial/temporalreferenceframes,therearealwaysrisks.Inthe
eventofacatastrophicfailureofyourFC3000™,pleasereferto
theconvenientRepairGuide,whichfollowsthispageandmakes
upthebulkofthisvolume.


REPAIRGUIDE

Therearenouser-serviceablepartsinsidetheFC3000™.
TheFC3000™cannotberepaired.


OH.

Yes.Thisisaproblem.IfyouarereadingthisRepairGuide,thenyouwillnotbe
returningtothefuture,andweapologizeforanyallegedfailuresinthe
FC3000™,realorimplied,thatfacilitatedthisscenario.
Ifyouwouldliketomakepeacewiththeideathatyouwillneverreturnto
yourfriendsandfamily,pleasedosonow.Ithelpstofocusonthethingsyou
didn’tlikeaboutthem,suchastheirirritatinghabitsorweirdsmells.Donot
focusonthethingsyouwillmiss,likecheap,convenient,clean,andsafe
drinkingwater,orthelatestmass-marketportablemusicplayers.
Andnowthatyouhaveacceptedthefactthatyouarestuckinthepast,we
wouldliketoofferasuggestion.Sinceyoucannolongergobacktothe
future...
...weinviteyoutobringthefuturebacktoyou.
Allowustoexplainthatintriguingellipsis-filledsentence.
Therestofthisguidecontainsallthescience,engineering,mathematics,art,
music,writing,culture,facts,andfiguresthatarerequiredforonehuman—

withoutanyspecializedtraining—tobuildacivilizationfromthegroundup.You
maybeundertheimpressionthatmoderncivilizationtookseveralmillion
humansandprotohumansseveralthousandmillenniatoconstruct.Itdid,butthat
wasonlybecausewedidn’tknowwhatweweredoingthefirsttimearoundand
hadtoinventeverythingaswewent.
You,incontrast,holdalltheanswersinyourhandsalready.
Thisguidewillallowyoutocreateaworldliketheoneyouleft,butbetter.It
willbeoneinwhichhumanitymaturedquicklyandefficiently,insteadof
spending200,000yearsstumblingaroundinthedarkwithoutlanguage(Section


2),notknowingthattyingarocktoastringwouldunlocknavigatingtheentire
world(Section10.12.2),andthinkingdiseasewascausedbyweirdsmells
(Section15).
Wemakenoassumptionsaboutwhatperiodyou’retrappedinorwhatyou
alreadyknow.Everythingyouneedisbuiltfromscratch,makingthistext
nothinglessthanacompletecheatsheetforcivilization.
WeatChronotixSolutionsareexcitedtohaveaccidentallyprovidedyou
withthisopportunity,andwishyouallthebest.


HOWTOUSETHISGUIDE

Thisguideisdividedintoseventeenequallyinterestingsections.Whileyouare
encouragedtoreaditfromstarttofinishbeforereferringtoindividualsections
asrequired,youmaystilljumpaheadtotheareasthatinterestyouthemost.If
youarecuriousaboutaparticulartechnology,pleaserefertothetechnologytree
inAppendixAtoseewhatprerequisitesarerequired,thenprioritizethose
inventionsinordertounlockthattechnologyassoonaspossible.
Awordofwarning:whileit’sfairtosaythatitwouldbeprettyridiculousto

strandyouinthepastwithoutanyknowledgeofhowtoproducethe
technologies,inventions,andchemicalsyoumightneed,it’salsopretty
ridiculoushowmanyofthosetechnologies,inventions,andinparticular
chemicalsareextremelydangeroustoproduce,store,inhale,touch,orevenjust
bearound.Soinalegallymandatedcompromise,weareherebycompelledto
tellyouthatwhilewhatyouwillfindinthisbookisallyouneedtorebuild
civilizationfromscratch,youshouldnotattempttoproduceanythingdangerous,
especiallythechemicals,unlessyoureallyneedthem,andyoualsohereby
legallyagree,affirm,andattestthatyouwilldefinitelynotblowyourselfup
tryingtomakethemhappen.


TITLEPAGE
COPYRIGHT
ANOTEFORREADERS
EPIGRAPH
INTRODUCTION
FREQUENTLYASKEDQUESTIONSBYNEWTIMETRAVELERS
REPAIRGUIDE
OH.
HOWTOUSETHISGUIDE

1
HowtoTellWhatTimePeriodYou’reStrandedIn:AHandyFlowchart

2
ASpecialNoteIfYouAreStrandedBetween200,000BCEand50,000BCE
andYouAreThinking,“TheHumansHereAreCrazyandIAmDefinitely
DoomedForever”

3
TheFiveFundamentalTechnologiesYouNeedForYourCivilization
3.1SpokenLanguage
3.2WrittenLanguage
3.3Non-SuckyNumbers


3.4TheScientificMethod
3.5CalorieSurplus

4
UnitsofMeasurementAreArbitrary,butHere’sHowYouCanReinventthe
StandardOnesUsedinThisBookfromScratch

5
NowWeAreBecomeFarmers,theDevourersofWorlds

6
WhatWillOtherHumansBeEatingIfI’mStrandedAfterThey’veEvolvedbut
BeforeAgricultureandSelectiveBreedingAreaThing,andHowCanITellIf
It’sPoisonous,BecauseIBetTheseAncientHumansAreEatingSomeReally
StupidStuff?

7
PuttingDownRoots:UsefulPlantsfortheStrandedTimeTraveler

8
TheBirdsandtheBees:UsefulAnimalsfortheStrandedTimeTraveler

9

BasicNutrition:WhattoEatSoYouWon’tDieforAtLeastaWhileLonger


10
CommonHumanComplaintsThatCanBeSolvedbyTechnology
10.1“I’mThirsty”
10.2“I’mHungry”
10.3“I’mSick”
10.4“TheNaturalResourcesISeeAroundMeSuck;IWantBetterOnes”
10.5“I’mLazy;IWantaMachinetoDoWorkforMe”
10.6“No,IMeanI’mSoLazyIJustWanttoFlipaSwitchandHaveMachinesWorkAsIfbyMagic”
10.7“It’sLateandI’mCold,andI’dLiketoKnowHowLateandHowColdItIs”
10.8“IWantPeopletoThinkI’mAttractive”
10.9“IWouldLiketoHaveSomeCoolSex”
10.10“IWantThingsThatWon’tCatchonFire”
10.11“There’sNothingtoRead”
10.12“ItSucksHereandIWanttoGoLiterallyAnywhereElse”
10.13“IWantEveryonetoThinkI’mSmart”

11
Chemistry:WhatAreThings,andHowDoIMakeThings?

12
MajorSchoolsofPhilosophySummedUpinaFewQuippySentencesAbout
High-Fives

13
TheBasicsofVisualArt,IncludingSomeStylesYouCanSteal

14

HealSomeBody:MedicineandHowtoInventIt

15
BasicFirst(AndinYourCase,Only)Aid

16
HowtoInventMusic,andMusicalInstruments,andMusicTheory,andAlso
WeIncludedSomeReallyGreatSongsforYoutoPlagiarizeToo

17
Computers:HowtoTurnMentalLaborintoPhysicalLabor,SoThenYouDon’t
HavetoThinkSoHardbutCanInsteadJustTurnaCrankorWhatever

CONCLUSION
ThingsShouldNowBePrettyComfortableforYou,andYou’reWelcome

APPENDICES
A•TechnologyTree
B•ThePeriodicTable
C•UsefulChemicals,HowtoMakeThem,andHowTheyCan
DefinitelyKillYou


D•LogicalArgumentForms
E•TrigonometryTables,IncludedBecauseYou’llNeedThemWhen
YouInventSundials,butThey’llAlsoBeUsefulIfYouEverDecide
toInventTrigonometry
F•SomeUniversalConstantsThatTookHumanityaWhiletoFigure

Out,andWhichYouCanNowNameAfterYourself
G•FrequenciesforVariousNotes,SoYouCanPlayThoseCool
SongsWeIncluded
H•ABunchofCoolGearsandOtherFundamentalMechanisms
I•Here’sWhereSomeUsefulHumanPartsAreandWhatTheyDo

AFTERWORD
BIBLIOGRAPHY
ENDNOTES
INDEX
ABOUTTHEAUTHOR