Men Aren’t Stupid and Nine Other Free Lessons That Will Change Your Life pptx

Men Aren’t Stupid.
and Nine Other Free Lessons That
Will Change Your Life
Roslyn Hardy Holcomb
roslynhardyholcomb.com
Men Aren’t Stupid.
and Nine Other Free Lessons That Will Change Your Life
Copyright July 2012 Roslyn Hardy Holcomb
Published by Roslyn Hardy Holcomb at Smashwords
All rights reserved. This copy is intended for the original purchaser of this e-book only.
No part of this e-book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or
electronic form without prior written permission from Roslyn Hardy Holcomb.
Cover Artist: Whit Holcomb
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold
or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person,
please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did
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of this author.
Introduction
This book came about because I’ve been online in various forums since the mid-
nineties and have in that time become something of an advice guru. Though I’ve been a
counselor, therapist and social worker a lot of the advice that I give here I learned from
my late mother, Edith Smith Hardy. Other lessons I learned through my life experience
and that of my friends and family. Of course, if I’d listened to my mother I would have
had a lot fewer hard knocks, but she always said a hard head makes for a soft behind.
Over the years of counseling women both online and in real life I began to see a
pattern. I was repeatedly being asked about the same issues in different iterations. To
avoid redundancy, and because I’m too lazy to keep typing the same advice over and over
again, I put together these Free Lessons to address the problems I kept hearing about.
I’m deeply concerned about the quality of discourse between young men and women

in this country. There is a level of bitterness and anger that is troubling. I suspect that
much of it has come about due to social changes that we have little control over.
Intellectually we know that gender roles have changed, but our biological responses to
the opposite sex have not. People are more or less the same as they were five hundred
years ago, or for that matter five thousand years ago. Check out the Song of Songs in the
Bible. When Solomon starts talking about “your vines have sweet grapes” he’s spitting
some serious game. He’s doing the same thing men are doing today––trying to get some.
Though women are more independent and self-sufficient than we’ve been at any
time in history our basic instincts haven’t changed. I believe that a lot of the anger we’re
seeing between the sexes these days has come about because we’re being told to act as
though these instincts don’t exist. Even worse, many intellectuals claim that there is no
such thing as gender roles. Well, I’m not an intellectual. I’m a pragmatist and that notion
seems downright foolish to me. While I agree wholeheartedly that people should not be
forced into certain behavioral patterns because of their gender, I cannot deny that there
are differences between the sexes. To my mind there’s nothing wrong with
acknowledging and capitalizing on them.
There are those who will say that these behavioral patterns are sociological rather
than biological. My response is and? Regardless of the source of the courting rituals
they’ve worked for humankind for a few thousand years. Have they worked perfectly?
Probably not, but the fact that we’re still here perpetuating the species indicates that it
works better than the alternatives. It is far better to use them to our advantage to gain
what we all want a loving relationship. This book will help you do just that.
Free Lesson #1
Birds Do It. Bees Do It.
Whilst watching Oprah a while back I came to the painful realization that an awful
lot of people did not grow up as I did watching Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom every
Sunday night. Or, perhaps they did and didn’t comprehend its applicability to us that
we too are animals and our habits and rituals are not all that different from our primate
brethren.
On the Oprah show there was a rather obnoxious guy who nonetheless was spitting

some serious knowledge about dating/mating. (He really was insufferable, but as my
mama used to say even a blind hog finds an acorn every now and then.) The women
weren’t hearing him though. He told them the basic truth that men are always “window-
shopping” and that a woman who is looking for a man should always be attractively
dressed and looking her best. This is very reasonable advice, but Gail King, who really is
old enough to know better said that if you dress superficially you’ll attract a superficial
man. She went on to ask, what happens later on in the relationship when you don’t
always look good? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Let me go all Marlin Perkins on y’all for a minute. ALL
MEN ARE SUPERFICIAL, PERIOD.
Now, before folk accuse me of male bashing let me explain. We’ve been on this
planet a couple hundred thousand years or so, but it’s only been in the past few thousand
years that we call ourselves civilized. For most of our time here we’ve had a very
difficult existence. Back in the day women stayed at home feeding the kids, while also
trying to keep various godawful beasties from eating them. Men would go out and try to
kill some of those same beasties to feed their younguns.
Under those type circumstances you need a mate who is as healthy as possible. After
all, if the mother doesn’t survive childbirth the child will die as well. And she also must
be strong enough to protect your offspring while you’re gone. What are the signs of
health and youthfulness in a female? Shiny hair, clear smooth skin, bright eyes and teeth.
Round shapely buttocks and breasts and long legs are all indicators that a woman is of
mating age. These are the things that the male of the species is instinctively looking for in
a mate. And I’ve heard time and again that it’s not fair that men put so much stock in a
woman’s physical appearance. I agree, it isn’t fair, but what in life is? You can either put
forth the effort or spend your Saturday nights alone picking lint out your navel. Your call.
There are those who would counter with the notion that women aren’t shallow since
we’re appreciative of what a man does as opposed to how he looks. While that is true
what exactly does this indicate? You guessed it, his ability to provide for and protect his
offspring. So, we’re quite superficial too; after all, we’re invested in perpetuating the
species as well. Let’s look at one thing that almost all women say they’re looking for: a
good sense of humor. What does humor indicate? Intellect. Clearly a man can’t bring

down a woolly mammoth with brute strength alone. He has to be able to outsmart the
beast. A smart guy will always get the girl, because she knows he will literally bring
home the bacon. Even flirting itself is an indicator of intellect. Many of us are quick to
dismiss a guy who is not articulate, who has no “game.” We instinctively understand that
this part of the courting ritual is designed to demonstrate intellectual acuity. And let’s be
real here, few of us are interested in a man who has no resources or at least the ability to
acquire the same. (Nor should we be.) Yes, most of us are independent and self-sufficient
or on our way to being there. However, we still instinctively gravitate toward men who
are successful and accomplished. We have the same species-preserving instincts that men
do. And it’s not all about the intellectual with women either. What about those broad
shoulders and slim hips that look so “manly” to us? Both are signs of sexual maturity and
most importantly, physical strength. It’s not an issue of being shallow, these cues are
instinctual and have kept us on the planet for a few hundred thousand years and with any
luck will keep us here for at least a while longer.
We also need to understand the sometimes subtle cues that indicate a man’s interest.
In this we have to take a clue from the birds. Certain breeds of penguins will bring
pebbles to the female he’s interested in, as pebbles are used for building penguin nests.
Other birds will present sticks or twigs to its chosen light of love. Human males do much
the same thing if you’re paying attention. A guy will put forth an effort to demonstrate
his ability to provide for his mate. He might make reference to his earning potential, or
take an opportunity to show you his skills in nest building. Few men are as blatant as the
gentleman who was pursuing my mother at one point. He simply took out his checkbook
to show her his bank balance. I was impressed. Unfortunately for him my mother wasn’t.
A girlfriend of mine casually mentioned that the guy who lived down the hall from her
was so nice. He had come over the previous evening to assemble an entertainment center
and some bookcases for her. Anytime she came home with a load of groceries he was
always there to help bring them in. I laughed and teased her about how hard he was
pursuing her. She just smiled and said that no, he was just being “nice.” She was stunned
when he asked her out a few weeks later. I wasn’t. Yes, there are nice guys out there, but
if a man is constantly helping you out, or going out of his way to do things for you,

there’s a very strong likelihood that he’s courting you. Pay attention.
Understanding these instincts will also help those who are challenged in the flirting
department as well. Flirting serves two purposes; it draws attention to your best attributes
and lets a man know you’re interested. It all starts with eye contact. You might recall the
patented “Shy Di” look employed by the late Princess of Wales. This look is designed to
capture a male’s attention while looking shy and demure. Few men can resist the allure of
a woman who is not aggressive but clearly interested at the same time. All this is part and
parcel of chasing a man until you let him catch you. Remember, men aren’t stupid. They
understand that you’re putting out lures, but they enjoy the fact that you’re putting forth
an effort. Men need those signals to initiate contact. When you look up at a man through
your lashes that way you will capture his attention, and once you have it, you must hold
the look for at least twenty seconds. (Count them off if you need to, and yes, twenty
seconds is a very long time, but most eye-to-eye contact lasts ten seconds at the most.
Twenty seconds will make your interest clear.) If he breaks contact before time is up,
look away also. Then do it again. If he doesn’t maintain it this time, move on to the next
guy, he’s not interested. If he’s interested he’ll take the next step. Once he notices you, be
sure to preen yourself, that is touch your hair, or your face. This sends a signal to the man
that you’re making yourself attractive for him while drawing attention to your best
attributes. Once he’s initiated contact, laughing at his jokes and touching him casually
cements the notion that you find him attractive and appreciate his humor and intelligence.
It also lets him know that he can make you happy and entertain you.
And please, don’t say you don’t want to play games. This is much too serious to ever
be a game. It’s part of our instinctive behavior as primates. When you try to shut it down
or ignore then it’s you who is in fact playing games. Resisting it does nothing but cut off
your nose to spite your face and leaves you at home while savvier girls are snagging the
prince. Other women have commented on how “humiliating” flirting is. That is they
don’t like the idea of trying to draw a man’s attention so that he chooses her. I really
don’t understand their mindset. In truth, the man isn’t choosing you, you’re choosing the
man. After all, you’re the one making the eye contact and other flirty moves. Short of
dragging you off by your hair a man can’t choose a woman against her will. In fact all

through history women have chosen their mate. Even when men literally engaged in
combat to win a wife, it was the woman who did the choosing. That hasn’t changed one
bit.
Also it’s imperative that you don’t let a man know he’s being pursued as it will
trigger his flight response. And no matter how many men tell you they like being
approached by women, don’t believe them. While it’s true they are flattered by a woman
who makes the first move, it’s also true that the one who initiates contact becomes the
“man” in the relationship. Unless this is a role you prefer don’t do it. Case in point, the
relationship between Bill and Hillary Clinton. You might have heard the story about how
they met in the Yale library. Apparently they made eyes at one another for quite a while
until finally she asked him if they were going to keep staring or was he going to ask her
out. I’ve always thought their initial meeting set up the way their relationship continued.
She was the top earner and always seemed to wear the pants in that marriage. He
retaliated by being continually unfaithful. (Women earning more than their men is
becoming increasingly common, and it can be a tricky area to navigate. If you’re a high
wage earner you have to be careful to choose a man who is comfortable with that. There
are some studies that indicate men who earn less than their wives are more likely to
cheat.) Obviously I don’t know the Clintons personally and have never counseled them,
but had I been with her in that library I would’ve warned her against speaking first. So,
while you’re out there on the hunt for a partner, don’t forget that deep down we still have
our primate instincts.
Free Lesson #2
Choose An Honorable Man
Not too long ago a reader asked me what she should be looking for in a mate. I
pondered her question for a long time. It would seem that a lot of people are puzzled, and
while I can understand that, it’s hard for me to tell someone what they should be looking
for in a man. This, above everything is a highly personal issue. However, since I’ve been
asked, I’ll tell you what I was looking for when I met my husband. When we were going
through pre-marital counseling the priest asked us to tell one another what our
expectations were in a spouse. I only had one; that he’d always be an honorable man

whom I could respect.
I’ve been accused of, and plead guilty to using old-fashioned words like honor,
cherish, and chivalry. It’s a deliberate choice. They’re very evocative words, bringing to
mind old-fashioned notions of male and female interactions and I use them for that
purpose. Please note, that choosing a partner with traditional values doesn’t mean that
you have to have a traditional relationship though that is my preference. A couple is free
to negotiate whatever type relationship they want to have. Traditional values actually
make a non-traditional relationship more viable, because you know he will keep his word
and follow-through on whatever type relationship you negotiate. I prefer a traditional
relationship, but I know women who have chosen a different route and are quite
comfortable maintaining it because their husbands are honorable men.
What do I mean by honorable? In my mama’s words, “If he’s meant for you there
won’t be no mess behind him.” This statement is profound in its simplicity. An honorable
man won’t have a bunch of drama, whether romantic or financial around him. He takes
care of his business in an honest, forthright manner. So if the bill collectors, psycho ex-
girlfriends, etc… are hanging over him, you know he’s not the one. I know this begs the
question how can he control ex-girlfriends and such. See, here’s the thing, psycho ex-
girlfriends are usually psycho for a reason. I know that’s hard to accept, but it is what it
is. Most guys know from the beginning that a woman is not right in the head. However,
these women are usually easy to get into bed. Guys will lay up with these women, get the
goodies, then try to move on, and that’s when the craziness begins. Honorable men don’t
behave this way. Sure, it’s always possible that he didn’t know she was crazy, but in my
experience that is rare. Honorable men avoid the crazy no matter how tempting it is.
Now, here’s the kicker, in order to have an honorable man, you have to be an
honorable woman. Remember, he’s not going to have any drama in his life. That includes
yours. So you’ve got to clean out your closet as well. Stalkerazi ex-boyfriends and
financial monkey business is a red flag that sane men want no part of. They’ll run like
their drawers are on fire.
And keep in mind, honorable men are honest to a fault. They do what they say
they’re going to do, period. If he tells you he’ll call you at 7:00, he does exactly that.

With some men you have no idea if or when he’ll show up. I once dated a guy who was
so fly-by-night when he said 7:00 I had no idea if he meant a.m. or p.m. I had enough
sense to let that go, but not until after I’d wasted far too much time on such nonsense.
That’s not a problem with honorable men. You don’t have to worry about follow-
through. If my husband isn’t where he’s supposed to be I know to start checking hospitals
and morgues. He’ll be there, on time, or die trying.
That’s the kind of man I wanted. I sat down and made a list, a very specific list of the
characteristics I needed in a husband. Too women make the mistake of saying, “I need a
man”. That’s way too general. After all, the universe is busy it doesn’t have time to
decipher what we mean so specificity is crucial. You need a certain type of man, and you
need to look inside yourself to decide what that is.
Being with an honorable man is not easy. My husband can be persuaded, but he
doesn’t push worth a damn. If you ask him a question you’d best be prepared for the
direct truth. Yes, he will tell you that you could stand to lose a few pounds! Or that an
outfit isn’t particularly flattering. Are you ready for that type of man? Then by all means
let the universe know! Happy Hunting.
Free Lesson #3
Get Off the Damned Phone
It has come to my attention that despite my repeated remonstrations to the contrary,
women are STILL spending way too much time on the phone with guys they just met. If
my email is any indication, many of you are frustrated that dude will call you up, spend
hours on the phone with you, but never take you out. Dear reader, my response, as always
is in the title of this lesson get off the damned phone.
I’ve explained this before, but we’ll go through it again for remedial purposes. Men
and women are attracted to different things. Men are visual creatures. I can explain the
anthropology behind this; it’s not that they’re pigs, it’s because they’re primates.
Anyway, a woman’s physical presence is her strongest attractant to a male. Men attract
women with their words, their intellect, charm, humor and wit. What happens when
you’re on the phone? You lose most of the power of your womanliness, while he still has
all his manliness at his disposal. He can’t see your hair, eyes and skin. The sassy arch in

your back, the secretive curve of your bosom. He can’t be enveloped by your womanly
aroma and the silk of your skin. You can’t lure him with your flashing eyes and dark
lashes beckoning him closer. So basically you’ve crippled yourself. He’s got a ready tool
at his disposal to woo you. It doesn’t cost him anything, plus, if he’s got you tied up on
the phone for hours he can be sure you’re not with anybody else.
This is a bad practice for a lot of reasons. For one thing, a smart woman is always
presumed to have more than one suitor at a time (whether you do or not). If he can hold
you up on the phone for hours, then he knows there’s no other guy. (And believe me,
guys know this, it’s part of their strategy. It’s a cheap and easy defense against other
men.) Also, 90% of communication is lost when you talk over the phone. Humans read a
lot in body language and through eye contact, two crucial components of communication
that you don’t have over the phone. Text messaging is even worse. You don’t even use
whole words and miss out on inflections and tone. You can’t even tell if the guy can
spell. What kind of communication technique is that? How does that benefit you? It
doesn’t and must be avoided at all costs. Women need their instincts to suss out whether
a guy is being truthful or not. You need to be able to see his body language, make eye
contact, and even smell him so your intuition can kick in. It’s a lot easier to pitch a lot of
bull over the phone than in person. Remember, the telephone is a device you use to make
arrangements to see one another.
The phone is dangerous in another way too. All too often we’ll find ourselves on the
phone late at night while we’re in bed. This creates a false air of intimacy that can lead to
phone sex and oversharing. Once you’ve done that it’s very hard to maintain the type
boundaries that lead to real intimacy. Yes, proper boundaries lead to real intimacy. No
one in their right mind is going to share their deepest innermost thoughts with someone
who is too free with their own. Intimacy comes through trust and that takes time. If you
tell all your business why would he trust you with his? One woman I counseled felt it was
crucial to let a guy know upfront all manner of very private details about her life. She
would do a garbage dump right at the very beginning in the mistaken belief that by being
an “open book” she was being “fair.” Though she wouldn’t acknowledge it I also believe
that she thought this would engender protective instincts in a man.

This philosophy is unbelievably misguided. You can’t expect chivalry from a man
who barely knows you. That comes with commitment and takes time. There is no way to
leap ahead in the process. Nor should you want to. My client would get angry when she’d
never hear from the guy. She’d rant and rave about their superficiality and her inability to
find a “good man.” So I asked her if she was a “good woman?” Did all this oversharing
make her look like a “good woman,” or a bag lady with a shopping cart full of the crazy?
It took me forever to get through to her that men are looking for a playmate, not a charity
case. Even worse there were literally dozens of men in her town that knew the type
intimate secrets a smart woman takes to the grave. Frankly I think she was quite fortunate
that none of the guys took her on. Men who are interested in women like that generally
have major issues of their own. They have savior complexes and often are emotionally or
physically abusive. They’re looking for vulnerable prey and when you give them all your
information at the very beginning of the relationship they have plenty of ammunition to
whip you with. Think of it this way, back in the old days a captured soldier was only
required to divulge his name, rank and serial number. A man is only entitled to your
name and STD status, and that’s only if you’re about to have sex. He gets your FICO
only when he presents a ring, and not until. Otherwise that’s none of his business either.
Bottom line is, if you’re a former coke whore with the heads of your six previous
boyfriends in your trunk that’s nobody’s business but yours (and possibly law
enforcement). Avoid long phone conversation and you can escape this minefield
altogether.
Once you’ve made this mistake a man has no need to see you he already knows
everything about you. You’ve lost your air of mystery. A woman’s power is in her
presence. In person you can weave your magic, on the phone you’re much too vulnerable.
So, if he’s calling you thirty times a day, you definitely don't need to talk to him that
frequently. Talk to him 15 to 20 minutes at the most. (I know, I know, this is a tough one,
but trust me, it works.) If he wants more of your time than that he needs to be taking you
on a date.
This is especially true of cell phones. Think about it, when someone has your cell
phone number they have 24-hour access to you. Do you really want to share that with

someone who has made absolutely no commitment to you? Keep it to landlines until the
two of you are exclusive, and even then the telephone is a tool, period. Yes, I know lots
of people have gotten rid of landlines. If you don’t have one you have no choice to give a
man your cell number, but you don’t have to answer it every time he calls. Phones are to
be used exclusively for setting up dates. It doesn’t really matter where you go or what
you do as long as it’s done in person. (Note: No kicking it at his place, or yours either.
That’s far too intimate and dangerous. You’re not his buddy you’re a woman and should
be treated as such.) When he calls, limit your conversation to fifteen minutes, tops.
You’re a lovely desirable woman, if he wants to spend time with you he has to take you
somewhere public. You don’t have time to hang out on the phone with some guy. If he
doesn’t ask you out within a few conversations, move on. While you’re wasting time
sitting up on the phone with him, you’re missing out on a great guy who actually wants to
be with you.
Free Lesson #4
Just Say No to Hooking Up
I’m surprised by how often I get asked this question How to stop hooking up with
guys outside a relationship. For the purpose of this chapter “hooking-up” is defined as
casual sex. (This is the worst oxymoron I’ve ever heard. How can the exchange of bodily
fluids ever be called “casual?”) An addendum to this issue is the question of how do you
turn a hook-up situation into the relationship. The short answer is, you can’t. Yes, I know
there are a few women who’ve managed this, but let me put it this way, it’s as rare as fat-
free food that actually tastes good.
First, let me explain something that many women either don’t know or don’t
understand. In the realm of casual sex our biology is working against us. When a woman
has an orgasm, her brain releases oxytocin. Essentially oxytocin is a bonding hormone
and is the same hormone that is released when a woman nursing her baby. This is one of
the reasons casual sex is such a minefield for many women. In all likelihood social
conditioning plays a role as well. Most women don’t want to be labeled as promiscuous
so we delude ourselves into believing that we loooovvvve our sex partner regardless of
our original intention. Remember the human mind is incredibly powerful. It’s capable of

pretty much anything, even creating a pregnancy where none exists. So it’s not surprising
that we can convince ourselves that we love someone to avoid a slut stigma. Does the
notion of attachment through sex apply to all? Of course not, but I’ve heard way too
much weeping over this issue to believe that it can be trouble-free. My advice, avoid it
like fat-free cheese.
I worked with a woman for whom sex after a date had become like an automatic
reflex. Much like offering a moist towelette after a plate of ribs she would find herself
having sex with men she barely knew and have no idea how she got there. This kind of
compulsive behavior is indicative of boundary issues, sometimes stemming from sexual
abuse. Women who’ve been sexually abused frequently lose a sense of self, of having
ownership of their body. They’ve been conditioned to believe that their body exists only
for the pleasure of others. But even women who haven’t been abused can sometimes have
difficulty saying no. One young woman told me that she didn’t want to be rude. (I doubt
even Emily Post would take good manners that far!) Others have said that they felt
obliged after a man has paid for an expensive date. Bonus Free Lesson, unless you’re a
call girl the only thing the expenditure of money entitles a man to is the pleasure of your
(clothed) company. Period. Even a hooker has the right to say no.
Some time ago the comedian Adam Corolla said something very interesting on the
radio show, Loveline. He proposed that someone invent a genitalia boot, much like the
automobile boot for those who can’t use their genitals properly. Being that chastity belts
are no longer in vogue you have to create your own boot, at least psychologically. Use
visualization if you have to. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you know
you have no business getting naked, just imagine that boot keeping Miss Kitty on
lockdown. I know it’s hard to say no when you’re all hot and bothered. That’s why you
avoid getting hot and bothered outside a committed relationship. And when I say
committed relationship I’m not talking about the delusions we sometimes create to trap
ourselves. I’m talking about a relationship where words have been spoken. If he hasn’t
given you the “Bess, You Is My Woman Now,” talk, there is no relationship, no matter
what you’ve convinced yourself he means.
In the early stages of the courtship you simply avoid any situation that could lead to

getting horizontal. That is, no sofa sitting. You go on dates, not going to his place to chill.
No matter how hard we try to convince ourselves otherwise, we all know what that is.
Your home is your sanctuary don’t have men hanging out there. If he tries to steer the
conversation into a sexual area, you steer it right back into neutral territory or Get Off the
Damned Phone! If he brings up the topic of having sex (and he will) make it clear that
you don’t feel “safe” having sex outside a monogamous relationship. Either he’ll offer a
relationship, or he’ll move on. And remember, don’t have this conversation with him
while has an erection; most men will say anything to get the panties.
Remember to use words like “safe” and “secure”. You want to keep this in the
emotional realm, which is a woman’s strong suit. You don’t want to get into a “logic”
debate. Many women have been talked into all manner of nonsense by men using so-
called logic. That’s not to say that women are illogical, but in this particular area,
emotions are a stronger weapon. Men are immensely teachable. If you tell them what you
want in a non-confrontational manner they’ll do their best to give it to you. Men want to
make us happy, but we have to tell them directly what we want. There is nothing wrong
with telling a man that you want a committed relationship if that’s what you want. No
point in wasting your time if you’re not on the same page. Simple, direct communication
of your wants and needs is the best way to get them met.
Free Lesson #5
Smoke Gets in Your Eyes
This topic keeps coming up both in the real world and online. There seems to be a
mindset that waiting for an established relationship before having sex is a bad idea. The
argument is that they want to know how the other person is in the sack before committing
to that person. In other words, they want to try it before they buy it. While that is
definitely a good plan when it comes to buying a car, it’s not so hot as it pertains to
human relationships. For one thing, it seems odd to me that people are putting such a
premium on good sex. Is good sex important? Most assuredly, but I think the best sex is a
side effect of a good relationship. Not the other way around. I suspect that this focus on
good sex, especially as it pertains to size of genitalia and technique is more about
maintaining intimacy barriers than anything else. It’s odd to think of sex as a barrier to

intimacy, but unfortunately many people use it this way. It’s almost like a fetish––
something for people to focus on to keep from looking at their partner as a person.
I also believe that most people have a much easier time getting out of a good
relationship with bad sex than the obverse. There’s this phenomenon called getting
“caught up”. I used to hear it all the time with my clients, usually after the woman was
already pregnant. I would always ask how they intended to co-parent the child and would
usually get a reaction like, “I hate him. I don’t want him anywhere near my baby.” Or
“That bitch tried to trap me. She won’t let me see my kid.” And before you shake your
head at the immaturity of teenagers, some of these people were in their late twenties or
early thirties. One of the former couples I counseled were so hostile to one another that
they literally had to have security available any time they needed to exchange the child
for visitation. There are facilities available these days that are set up by the courts to do
nothing but provide support for families dealing with visitation issues. I’ve always
thought that was rather sad. I just wonder how you can go from caring about a person
enough to exchange bodily fluids to loathing the sight of them in a matter of weeks. Of
course, I know the answer. This is a symptom of getting “caught up.” If the nookie is
good, it’s a lot harder to turn a bad person loose. This is a primary reason why it’s better
to establish the relationship first.
Good sex has a tendency to blind us to the other person’s flaws. That old standard
“Smoke Gets In Your Eyes,” has always been and always will be true. Contrary to the old
wives’ tale masturbation won’t make you go blind, but good sex most assuredly will. It’s
a clear and beautiful warning for those smart enough to pay heed.
Time and time again I’ve had people tell me the best sex they ever had was with
someone they knew was bad for them. Crazy sex is always good sex. That element of
danger is an aphrodisiac for some people. If you know that you’re all but taking your life
in your hands every time you get down with that person it tends to trigger a fight or flee
response. Your body doesn’t care what gets your blood racing; it just knows that you’re
experiencing excitement. And let’s face it the wrong guy is usually far more exciting than
the right guy, if for no other reason than he’s totally unpredictable. He has the dick of
death because he knows he doesn’t have anything else to offer. Girlfriend is always down

for whatever because she knows nobody would tolerate her batshit crazy behavior
otherwise. But with maturity and life experience you’ll come to realize that the best sex,
the absolute best sex comes with the person who hits the clit of your soul. The person you
know you’re safe with, who you know will take care of you and knows you want to take
care of them.
I saved the most important reason to keep your eyes clear for last. What with modern
technology and better living through chemistry, we have a tendency to forget that all this
sexing could very well lead to a pregnancy. In fact the more sexing you do the more
likely you are to get pregnant. (Can you believe they actually had to conduct a study to
come to this conclusion? Oy vey!) Let me say it again: Every time you have sex you
could be making a baby. You’re taking a chance on someone being in your life, and your
gene pool forever. To my mind it only makes sense to take the time to get to know him as
well as possible before you let him see you naked. Sexual incompatibility is something
that can usually be resolved if both parties are willing to work on it. Being stuck with a
sociopath for a co-parent? Not so much. Who you choose to sleep with is potentially one
of the most important decisions of your life, yet many people give it far less thought than
they do the purchase of a new car, or even a pair of shoes.
I remember an episode of the television show Frasier where Roz had gotten pregnant
through a one-night stand. When she met the guy’s family she was appalled to find that
they all had these freakishly large noses. Roz’s guy had fixed his before she met him, so
he looked normal. Roz then confessed that she’d had a third nipple removed. They went
on and on finding these flaws in each other, with Roz finally screaming in horror that she
was going to give birth to a circus freak.
Obviously this was played for laughs and was indeed very funny, but how will you
know, outside an established relationship, if dude has a third nipple, metaphorical or
otherwise? Don’t you owe that to yourself? (Not to mention your child?) Yes, I realize
that time is no guarantee, but in my experience things seem to play out better if you wait
until you know someone’s character. Are there exceptions to the rule? Most assuredly
there are. I know people who had sex on the first date and were married within a matter
of months, but I think we all agree that they are definite outliers. Most of the time those

whirlwinds end in nothing but heartache. You need time to vet a man for your sake, and
for that of any potential offspring. When things get hot and heated remind yourself that
this guy could be in your life forever, and act accordingly.
Free Lesson #6
Men Aren’t Stupid
In this culture we tend to swing from one extreme to another. For generations men
were seen as wise and all knowing. Now, we seem amazed that they manage to dress
themselves and talk in complete sentences. While this paradigm shift is insulting to men
it has had a devastating effect on women as well. Especially when it comes to
relationships. This idea that men are clueless allows them to get away with all manner of
bad behavior that would have been intolerable just a generation or two ago.
I get this in my inbox all the time so I’ll just lay it out there: Men know that most
women want marriage. Women need to know that many men will do everything in their
power to get all the benefits of marriage, except without those all important things like
commitment. While you’re getting exasperated thinking he’s stupid, he’s running mad
game on you. Men understand us on a level that we can never begin to grasp, because it’s
from the mindset of a hunter. And a good hunter has an intrinsic understanding of his
prey. We make the mistake of thinking that they think like us. Because of their predatory
nature they know that not only do they not think like us, they know exactly how we think.
They understand a crucial component of the female psyche: For most women hope
springs eternal, so if he plays his cards right, he can string you along for years giving up
all the goodies in an effort to convince him that you’re good enough to marry.
Most of us know at least one woman who waited for a man to marry her, sometimes
for a decade or more. She played house with him, took care of him, cooked, cleaned, etc.
but he never married her. Finally she ends the relationship and he marries the next
woman he dates after only six months. I think we all know a woman like this because it
reinforces something we already know: Men marry the women they want to marry. And
if you’re not that woman nothing you can do will change that. It’s absolutely foolish to
play wife for a man who can’t be bothered to actually marry you.
Bottom line is; if you’ve reached the point in your relationship where it’s time for

“The Talk” and it hasn’t happened, or he brushes it off when you raise the subject, move
on. Why? Because men who want to get married, get married. It’s not that he’s not into
marriage, or he’s still dealing with “issues” from a previous relationship, or whatever
other folderol he puts out there. There’s only one reason a man doesn’t get married:
HE DOESN’T WANT TO. At least, NOT TO YOU.
Don’t fool yourself that you can change his mind by being an excellent “wifey” and
by giving him all the benefits of marriage, except without the marriage. It won’t work,
and why would you want it to? A man who wants you will be rushing YOU to the altar.
Why? Because he’s terrified that you’ll get away from him. A man in love is all too
aware that he has a pearl beyond price. Further he knows there is a plethora of other
predatory males just waiting to snatch her away. You don’t have to beg him or persuade
him or coerce him, and for the love of all things butter cream-frosted you certainly don’t
have to trick him. The only thing you’ll get for all your trouble is a decimated self-esteem
and the knowledge that you wasted your skinny years on a man who didn’t want you in
the first place.
Again, they’re not stupid. They understand perfectly what it is you’re trying to do.
And I can assure you: The only person that will get played here is you. Think about it,
would you work for your employer and let him decide at some later date whether or not
he’ll commit to hiring and paying you? Of course not. The notion is so absurd you’re
probably chuckling to yourself as you read this. Like any savvy professional you sit down
and work out the parameters of your work relationship well beforehand. Surely you
would want to be even more levelheaded about something so crucial as your life partner?
Remember, some day you might actually exchange DNA with this guy. He’ll be
swimming around in your gene pool and in your life FOREVER. Do you really want
someone who is focused only on what he wants? Someone who wants to get the goodies
without paying for them? Consider the implications of spending a lifetime with such a
person. You would tire of their immature selfishness very quickly. You want a guy who
sees you as the fantastical creature that you are. Who can’t believe that he landed
someone like you, and can’t wait to announce it to the world. So, don’t humiliate and
disgrace yourself by trying to convince someone that you “make the cut.” There’s

absolutely nothing more demeaning and you deserve better than that. Leave him so fast
he’ll have windburn.
Stop falling for the okey-doke. You have to be clear and upfront about your wants
and needs. And this brings up another issue. Women frequently tell me that they’re afraid
to tell a man what they want. They don’t want to be demanding for fear that the man will
leave them. Any hesitancy you feel about sharing your needs with a man, should be a
clear signal that perhaps he isn’t the one for you. The right man will want to be there to
fulfill your needs, and some of your wants as well. If his response is to walk away, or
worse, degrade or belittle your needs, don’t hesitate to say, Next! One guy I dated taunted
me when I shared my desire for a husband and family. He told me that nobody’s doing
that white “picket fence stuff” anymore. Well guess what, I’ve got a fabulous family and
he’s the “old dude in the club.” Isn’t that sad? (No, I’m not being facetious here, I really
do feel badly for him. He really missed out.) I’m thankful that I had the self-esteem to
move on, but I wonder how many women have been frightened into thinking that their
very natural desire for a home and security is somehow too much? How many women
give in and play house out of fear of being left alone? This is a major mistake. Men love a
woman who is well loved; and a key indicator of how well a woman loves herself is her
ability to ensure that her needs are met. It’s a basic human instinct and any man worth
having will not have a problem with a woman who takes care of herself. Never make a
man’s needs a priority over yours. If marriage is important to you, there’s no shame in
that. You should love nobody more than you love you. He’ll respect you for it, and more
importantly, you will too.
Now I know you’re wondering: So how do you get a man to marry you? See, that’s
what’s so fabulous, you don’t. If you vet a man properly from the outset, that is, carefully
choosing honorable, marriage-minded men, there’s no scheming or manipulation
involved. As always, this is not informed by what a man says, but by what he does.
Marriage minded men act like marriage minded men. They don’t rush into sex because
they’re mature enough to realize that they need to get to know a woman first. They are
upfront and direct about where they’re coming from. They’re looking for a woman who
wants to be cherished and have the same basic values and beliefs that they have. The

simple answer is; if you want to get married, look for men who want to get married.
Free Lesson #7
Reasons Don’t Matter
I know this is a shocking statement to make, but bear with me. It may take me a
minute, but I’m confident I can convince you of the validity of this one. On a friend’s
blog I said I refused to date unwed fathers when I was single. My reasons were more or
less the standard ones: drama, money, time, etc I also stated that in my opinion, family-
oriented men make families, not babies. If a man got one woman pregnant and didn’t
marry her, and given that I don’t possess a gold-plated vagina, the chances are pretty
good that he will do the same to me. (We all know that people tend to repeat past
behavior. So, if dude has one baby mama, there’s a significantly higher likelihood that
he’ll have no qualms about having two.)
And, of course, this is where the excuses began. Even guys who acknowledged that
they were resistant to dating women with children felt they had to right to castigate me
for my position. Of course, they had to point out that dude might have a very good reason
for not having married the woman. And why was I assuming that he abandoned her?
Okay, assume that she abandoned him. And? The fact still remained that he chose to have
unprotected sex with a woman he wouldn’t marry or who wouldn't marry him. Doesn't
sound like a family-oriented man to me.
I got even more blowback when I stated that I preferred to date men who came from
intact homes with both a mother and a father. I prefer traditional relationships, and it’s
been my experience that men who’ve grown up without a father require far more training
than I’m prepared to give. Several women asked why I would penalize a man for not
having a father. After all, that wasn’t his fault. Well, it’s not my fault either. My priority
is me and what is best for my offspring. Yes, it’s sad and unfortunate that he doesn’t
know how to maintain a relationship because he’s never seen one. And I understand that
this deficit is caused by not having a father, but what does that change? Bottom line is, he
can’t do it, and it’s not my job to teach him how. After several attempts at doing so I’m
fairly certain it can’t be done, but even if it could be there are far too many great guys out
there who know how to have a relationship for me to waste my time with one who

doesn’t.
See, here’s the thing, people will always have reasons, sometimes even good reasons
for why they do things. Slick Willie Sutton said he robbed banks because that was where
the money was. Sounds like a perfectly valid reason, but I wouldn’t recommend taking up
bank robbery, either. Many women wind up in relationships with sub-standard men
because they listen to him reason away past (and present) bad behavior.
A while ago I was talking to a young lady who’d met a guy she was interested in a
couple of weeks prior to our conversation. She was concerned because she’d gone by his
place and he didn’t have any food and seemed very depressed. (Mistake #1 going to the
home of a man she barely knew.) She took this as a cue that she should go to the store,
buy groceries and then cook him a meal. (Mistake #2 playing wifey for a dude who’s
never so much as bought her a cup of coffee or opened a door for her.) During the meal
he explained that he’d lost his job due to depression and that’s why he didn’t have any
food. I, of, course told her to run like the wind and don’t look back. Her friends thought
she should stand by her man. That left me scratching my head. When did this guy become
her man? Your man is someone you have a shared history and preferably a mortgage
with. She’d only known this guy for a couple of weeks. You stand by someone you’ve
already made an investment in, and more importantly, who has made an investment in
you. Sure, he had a perfectly good reason as to why he was all broke down, but my
question is, what did that have to do with her?
Of course she didn’t listen to me and was thrilled when he wanted them to move in
together. What man wouldn’t want to move in with a woman who is prepared to take care
of him even though he’s made no investment in the relationship? I don’t have to tell you
that a few months later she was back wondering why he was still sitting on the sofa
playing X-Box while she worked and went to school every day. Really? She’d handed
herself to him lock, stock and barrel with absolutely no effort on his part. Why on earth
did she think he’d ever do otherwise? Listening to reasons can totally derail you from
your best interests.
The fact of the matter remains the reasons are unimportant. The question you have to
ask is what impact does this behavior have on you? It doesn’t matter why old boy has a

baby mama who belongs in a psych ward. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with
a man who has a crazy woman on his six? Fine, he has messed up credit because his
mama/cousin/brother/sister forged his name. Are you willing to accept living in a broke
down trailer or some bombed out neighborhood because of his abysmal FICO score? Yes,
reasons are lovely. Especially when you’re being wooed by someone who looks good and
can pitch that woo while he’s explaining all the “reasons.” God forbid you’ve already
gotten naked with him. Your down below can be a treacherous bitch. But remember, this
is your life, not a dress rehearsal. And trust me, when his headcase of an ex-girlfriend
shows up on your doorstep at two in the morning with an ax handle and a jar of denture
cream those reasons won’t be there to protect you from the wrath of the crazy.