IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER 70 91 miracel juanta

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #70
Posted by Miracel Juanta
The following essay is from Ron Stan.
Question: It is inevitable that as technology develops so traditional cultures must be lost.
Technology and tradition are incompatible – you cannot have both together. To what
extent do you agree or disagree?
One of the paramount concerns of the world today is the coexistence of technology and tradition.
The fact cannot be denied that as we are grasping the technology more and more tightly, our hold
of culture is getting loosened. However, it is possible to strike a correct balance between both.
Firstly, it is only because of technological advancement that, the nations are aware of the cultures
which exist in other countries. For instance, India is a land of heritages, values and customs, but
it was only after the world media captured this beauty that the tourist from across the continent
came to enjoy its traditional taste.
Secondly, modern technological equipment and expertise helped to restore many long lost
cultures. To cite an example; Aboriginal language which was on the verge of extinction, was
revived by recent scientific techniques. In addition to that, Aboriginal arts, have acquired
worldwide recognition because they have been showcased the world over.
There is no contradicting of the point that, owing to modern machinery many traditional skills
have been lost like; weaving and pottery making. However, one has to accept the fact that the
world is moving ahead and we cannot cling to the obsolete method of doing a thing. It is only
sensible to adopt the change which helps you to move forward rather than one which drags you
behind.
To sum up, mankind will only gain by reviving the traditional skills. We must have a wellbalanced view to reap the benefits of both to the fullest, for both have their own positive and
negative aspects.
4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to achieve the task by giving your views about technology and tradition. You
gave specific examples to support your main points.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied: modern machinery, reviving, showcased, techniques.

COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words: to sum up, firstly, secondly. Points are clear, logical and to the point.
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
No grammar errors noted.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #71
Posted by Miracel Juanta
The following letter was written by Sharon.
You recently bought a piece of equipment for your kitchen but it did not work. You phoned
the shop but no action was taken.Write a letter to the shop manager. In your letter
• describe the problem with the equipment
• explain what happened' when you phoned the shop
• say what you would like the manager to do.
Dear sir or madam,
This letter is in relation to a complaint regarding a microwave oven purchased by me from your
shop.
The equipment bearing item number A765 was purchased last week on 9 October 2011 and the
same was delivered by your staff at my home. Upon delivery, I tried to operate it; however, the
moment I plugged it in to the socket a big short circuit occurred. I immediately called your
customer service department and informed them about this problem. They took all the necessary
details and assured me that they will send a personnel to survey the same and based on his survey
an appropriate action would be taken. However, a week has passed now and no action has been
taken yet, in spite of the fact that I called your department numerous times.
I would appreciate if you could kindly look in to the matter and escalate the process. Further,
since the item is under warranty, I would prefer it being replaced rather than being repaired.
I hope to hear from you soon and expect that my matter would be resolved on an urgent basis.
Yours faithfully,
Sharon Murali
Wordcount: 197

4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT


You were able to achieve the task by giving the details about the broken microwave and what
happened during the phone call. However, your wordcount is 197. Reduce to 150-165 words.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied: personnel, socket, circuit. "Escalate" should be "expedite".
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Points are clear and logical. There were some transition words used: further, however. Improve
organization by using the 3-paragraph format:
Introduction-problem with equipment
Body-what happened when you called
Conclusion-action required
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There were no grammar errors noted.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #72
Posted by Miracel Juanta
Tags : IELTS, writing
The following essay discusses the reasons why we need music.
Q:-There are many different types of music in the world today, why do we need music? Is
the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is
heard every where nowadays?
Ans:Music plays vital role in development and creativity of our mind. Its popularity among people
has contributed towards its diversity. However, international music is more famous nowadays,
but it is agreed that traditional music has more significance over earlier due to its origination and
diversity.
To begin with, it is generally argued that traditional music has laid foundation for other forms of
music. For example, Early Indian settlers started singing only tones, which further have been

added with words. Initially, people started to sing and dance with limited knowledge of tones and
musical instruments, owing to the fact that they have taken first step to produce and improve
level of music. Thus, it is clear that traditional music has more implications over international
music.


Secondly, supporters often believe that diversity of traditional music depicts unique identity of
an ethnic group. For instance, In Indian festival called, "Holi" people used to have bonfire and
offers prayers in a pleasant rhythmic way, eventually, developing it into a complete musical and
colorful event. Every folk music has place for all sort of events of life i.e. Birth, festivals,
engagement, marriage, day to day events, demise, hope, love and nature etc. As a result, such
diversity in cultural music reflects richness of culture and local customs.
After analyzing traditional music's foundational and cultural aspects, it has been proven that it
has great importance over international music which makes it stand out from the crowd. Thus, it
is hoped that forthcoming generations will always continue to appreciate folk music in order to
preserve true musical essence.
4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to achieve the task by giving the advantages of traditional music over
international music. However, you didn't provide the reasons why we need music. Add another
paragraph focusing on the uses of music to make it five paragraphs.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied: diversity, implications, rhythmic, demise. However, change "origination"
to "origin."
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are clear, logical and organized. Good use of transition words: secondly, thus, for
instance, as a result.
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
No grammar errors noted.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #73
The following IELTS essay is from Ha Nguyen. The essay shows the reasons why there is an
increase in violence among the youth today.
Topic:
Recent figures show an increase in violent increase crime among youngsters under the age
of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are


not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.
It is obvious that our modern lives today have experienced a considerable rise in teenage
violence, especially for those under the age of eighteen. Some psychologists attribute this
situation to the responsibility of teachers and parents. In fact, they do not provide children with
necessary social and emotion knowledge.As far as I am concerned, I strongly agree with this
opinion because of some following reasons.
Firstly, it is undeniable that many teachers are in favour of old-fashioned approach to student's
academic performance. This means that they only put emphasis on knowledge in main subjects
such as literature, maths, history, biology and neglect to convey pratical knowledge in reality.
For example, a large number of students may be outstanding in their disciplines but they do not
have full awareness of violence's definition, potential causes as well as severe consequences. As
a result, lack of realistic perception creeps up on children to commit violent crimes.
Secondly, some parents does not give their children essential support in daily lives. Actually, the
dizzying pace of lives makes parents be flooded with an enormous volume of work and robs
them of time to take care of children. Being devoid of love and sympathy can make children be
cruel and unsociable to others. Moreover, getting out of parent's control may expose children to
damaging websites including rebellious actions. They easily imitate what they see and behave in
negative ways.
In conclusion, teachers and parents are largely responsible for the popularity of violence among
younsters. In fact, they do not help chidren dig deep into knowlegde about violence and give
them necessary attention. If these matters are still common, level of teenage violence is more and

more escalating.
Wordcount: 281

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to achieve the task by giving your reasons why you agree that violence stems
from lack of parental and teacher control. You gave concrete examples to prove your point.
However, your wordcount is 281. Reduce to 250-265 words to save time and minimize errors.
LEXICAL RESOURCE


You have a wide vocabulary range: dig deep, dizzying pace of lives, devoid of love, realistic
perception.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
There are a number of transition words used: as a result, firstly, secondly, for example, in
conclusion. However, it would be better if you use the five-paragraph format:
Introduction
Body Paragraph 1 – Agree
Body Paragraph 2 – Agree
Body Paragraph 3 – Disagree
Conclusion
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar errors: some parents does not give, younsters, knowlegde.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #74
The following IELTS writing makeover was written by Dalib. He writes about his lost bag.
Write a thank you letter to the public transport authority about the manager who helped you to
find something you lost and say
- What did you lose?
- Why was it so important to you?
- How did the manager help you find it?

Dear Sir,
I am writing to appreciate the work done by Mr James homes to recover my lost bag.
Last month I was on a business trip and on 26th March, I was travelling from Mumbai to Delhi
by Mumbai Express train. During this journey, someone stole my suitcase which had very
important documents related to my business. Since it was a night journey and my berth was an
upper berth, I had locked my suitcase under the lower berth before I left for my berth. But when I
can down at Kohla station to have some drinks, I realised that my suitcase was not there. I
immediately went to Mr. James as he was the station master of that stop and registered a case of
stealing. He took all my details and advised me to continue my journey.


When I reached to Delhi, I called Mr James to follow up on the case. But after couple of weeks, I
lost the hope of getting the suitcase back. But last Saturday, I received a call from Mr James and
he told me that my suitcase had been found. While talking to him, I came to know he was
constantly and closing monitoring the case.
I really want to thank him for his efforts and dedication on the case and I feel he is a desorbing
person. You must consider him for bigger roles in your organisation.
Yours faithfully,
Dalib
Wordcount: 239

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give concrete details about the lost bag and what the manager did to recover it.
However, the reasons why it's important is limited. Wordcount is 239. Limit it to 150-165 to save
time and minimize errors.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is fair: registered, station master.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Transition words are repetitive and minimal: but. Organization needs improvement. Use the 3paragraph format:
Introduction-purpose

Body-reasons for the importance of the lost bag
Conclusion – action done by the manager
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ORGANIZATION
There are some grammar errors: desorbing, closing monitoring.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #75
The following IELTS writing makeover is from Bright. He writes his views on books vs.
Internet.
Question.
* with the increase in use of the internet,books will soon become unnecessary.


*to what extent do u agree or disagree with this statement.
Answer.
Books are essential source of information in the globe everyone
often study books during their life.It helps many people to acheive
their goals and makes their life wealthy.But nowedays the impartance
of books is decreasing day by day because of the influence of
internet.Bases of my views are general,acadamical,personal.
Generally says,although books have wide range of
information,people prefer internet than books to getting information
because of certain advandages.In our mordern competitive society
people encourage their kids to use internet from their early stage.So
the usage of books falling day by day.
From acadamical point of view,Instutions teach their students
about internet from primary level, and student become expert user of
internet at intermediate level.Although instutions teach subjects
through books and internet,internet dominate books.So i strongly agree
with ur point.
Personaly says,eventhough internet has lot of information,affect

humen creativity power for instance,ancient days without internet
resourses scientist Newton discovered theory of gravity that is the
most impartant theory for survival of human in the earth is the
amaizing evidence of human creativity.Why dont these discoveries
happens today? Reason is internet that dominate human brain.
In conclusion,if the usage of internet incresing,decrease the
usage of books as well our creativity power one day we would be a
machine.So please study books a lot and discover new useful things in
our world.
impartant, amaizing, incresing, mordern, discoveries happens these days, internet that dominate,
WORDCOUNT: 218


TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You wrote only 218 words when it should be 250 words. You did give reasons why internet will
dominate books. However, the examples do not support your main view.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is limited. Wordcount is only 218. It should be 250-265 words.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Major points are unclear, and examples are illogical. There are attempts to use transition words:
although, in conclusion.
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are many grammar and spelling errors: books are essential source, acheive, impartance,
advandages, instutions, ur, acadamical, humen, personaly.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #76
The following IELTS Writing Makeover is from Vishal. He writes a letter to the city
council about a historical building in their town.
There is a historical building in your town and the city council wants to pull it down,
because there is no money for repairs. You are not happy with this decision. Write a letter

to the city council and say – Why is the building important? – Suggest a solution to finance
the repairs.
Dear Sir/Madam,
My name is Vishal from Edgecliff, Sydney. I am writing this letter to bring to your attention to
council's latest assessment on bringing down Town hall.
Until quite recently, I had a great faith in local governing body's decision making ability.
Unfortunately, the recent resolution of building a shopping centre by pulling Town hall down
does not make any sense to me. During my stay, I invariably found that it was has been built on
rare architect and it is the last monument of its kind in entire Australia. Further to add, this is the
oldest building of our suburb and home for numerous charity organizations.


It might be hard for municipality to arrange required finance for maintenance purpose. However,
it is not impossible. Local government can diverse funds by limiting sponsorship to less
important events, for example, weekly footy game. Moreover, there should be reasonable access
fee as well if people want to use it for social gathering functions. [Extra Start] I strongly believe
that it will raise required awareness among junta and will give council enough time to have
another look into this.[Extra End]
Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I appreciate your concern and I look
forward to your response.
Yours faithfully,
Vishal
Wordcount: 211

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give reasons why the building is important. You provided solutions to avert the
pulling down of Town Hall. However, your wordcount is 211. Reduce to 150-165 words to
minimize errors.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied but some words are inappropriate: junta, diverse, architect. Avoid

wordiness and use more straightforward language : in local governing body's decision making
ability.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are clear, logical and to the point. There are a number of transition words used:
moreover, for example, further to add.
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are minor grammar errors but they don't impede in comprehension: a great faith.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #77
The following IELTS Writing Makeover is from Kien. The essay compares internet with
newspapers.


With the rise in popularity of the internet, newspapers will soon become a thing of the past.
To what extent do you agree or
disagree?
Nowadays,the internet is considered to be indispensable for many people sincce it seems to
provide endless information . It is clear that the internet increasingly dominates newspapers
which are ,as defined in Macmillan English dictionary,

sets of printed sheets of folded papers

containing daily news, or information....But can internet completely replace newspaper?
First of all, we must acknowledge that the internet helps us exploit plentiful sources of
information effortlessly . Today, with a computer connected to internet, you can access
thousands of websites which enable you to widen your knowledge. And you, obviously, are
attracted by infinitely vivid information in various fields such as education, sports, health and so
on. Moreover, it is extremely easy to get the topics you like just by clicking the links on the
screen. More importantly, the information is always updated. As soon as the news is uploaded,
you can have it.

Then, the internet utilization is more and more convenient these days, thanking for the assistance
of high technology. Apart from computers and laptops, many other electronic devices such as
ipads, mobilephones... are equiped with fuctions of accessing the internet.Therefore, people are
really encouraged to surf the internet more.
Although the internet is showing its strong advantages today, it can not defeat newspaper
completely. The first reason is that it entirely relies on electronic appliances. If there are no
computers, no ipads, no mobilephones, there is no internet. Also, even if there are kinds of
electronic things, but the internet cable is damaged, there is no internet. So, reading newspapers
is still the effective way to get information. The second reason may be of people who do not
want their eyes to be harmed by contacting with electronic version. They are sure to choose
printed papers in stead of surfing the internet. These are reasons why newspapers never become
history.
In conclusion, the birth of the internet has been minifying newspapers because of its great
advantages. However, I have more trust that it never makes newspaper disappear off our planet.

WORDCOUNT: 336
TASK ACHIEVEMENT


You were able to give the advantages of both the newspaper and the internet. However, your
wordcount is 336. Reduce to 250-265 words to save time and minimize errors.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied: surfing, internet cable, indispensable.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
There are a number of transition words used: then, therefore, also, although. You used the 5paragraph format. However, there are too many points in one paragraph. Each paragraph should
only have one main point for clarity purposes.
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar and spelling errors: sincce, equiped, fuctions, minifying.
------

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #78
The following IELTS Writing Makeover is from Isabelle. She discusses about the importance
of social skills in job hunting.
Employers now tend to prefer employees with good social skills in addition to good
qualifications. Social skills are getting more and more important compared to qualifications.
Do you agree or disagree?
In today’s world, social skills seem to be a predominant requirement in the workplace. As is
commonly understood, employees with good social skills thrive in the workplace compared to
workers with good qualifications who lack social skills. It is believed that employers now seek
employees who have both good qualifications and good social skills. Social skills are needed in
the workplace in order to have a harmonious workplace. Also, it will be proven that if someone
lacks certain skills or qualifications but is good socially, their colleagues are more likely to help
them achieve their task as opposed to someone who lacks social skills.
For one, it is a well-known fact that a harmonious workplace is far more productive compared to
a one where the employees aren’t social with each other. For example, if one were to get along
with their colleagues, they would look forward to going to work and therefore be more
productive. On the other hand, if one does not get along with their colleagues, they are more
likely to find an excuse to skip work therefore reducing productivity within the company. Thus,


social skills contribute to productivity in the workplace. It is obvious from this that given the
choice between two candidates, an employer is more likely to choose one with good social skills
over the other.
In addition to this, it is also proven that social skills help encourage teamwork amongst coworkers. For instance, if one employee is struggling with a certain task, another person is more
likely to give them a hand if they have good social skills. This makes it clear, that social skills
can be quite helpful in the workplace.
It can be seen from this discussion that social skills in potential employees have become quite
important to employers along with good qualifications. It has been proven that people with good
social skills tend to be more efficient in the workplace creating a happy workplace and sense of
teamwork. Therefore, it is predicted that in the future, employers will be looking for employees

who present good social skills as well as qualifications for a position.
WORDCOUNT: 353
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You’ve stated clearly your position on the importance of social skills. However, your wordcount
is 353. Reduce to 250-265 words for clarity purposes.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied but “social skills” tend to be repetitive. Use synonyms/examples/pronouns
to avoid this.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
There are a number of good transition words: therefore, in addition to this, on the other hand.
You should use more concrete examples of social skills for clarity purposes. Improve
organization by using the 5-paragraph format:
Introduction
Body Par 1 – Agree
Body Par 2-Agree
Body Par 3-Disagree
Conclusion
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACYGood range of grammar structures: use of modals, perfect tenses. No grammar issues noted.


IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #79
The following IELTS writing essay was written by Ziauhl and she writes about expensive
weddings.
Nowadays, people are spending increasingly large amounts of money on their marriage
parties. Many people feel large and expensive weddings cause problems for the bride and
groom. Do you agree? Use personal examples in your response.
In today’s world, many couples often aspire to throw lavish wedding parties to celebrate with
their friends and families. However, often these parties put a strain on newly married couple. It
is possible to say that huge spending on the marriage celebrations can cause difficulties for
brides and grooms. This will be proven by looking at how excessive wedding ceremonies affect

the newlyweds financially and cause the entire gathering to be somewhat unrealistic in nature.
Firstly, many people often create problems for themselves when they spend excessive amounts
of money on their matrimonial ceremonies. An instance illustrating this in action is that some
friends of mine in Norway borrowed huge amount of money to pay for an expensive marriage,
which was held in 1996. Following their matrimonial ceremonies, they have to pay every penny
of their earning to their debt continuously for two years. This money could better be used for
building a better life for them. Thus, it is understandable that problems can arise for those who
spend huge amount of money on their weddings.
In addition to this, huge and expensive wedding can cause the occasion to be somewhat
unnatural.
For example, I once attended a very large wedding in India. Perhaps, it was a most beautiful and
expensive matrimonial ceremony, I have ever seen. The guests list was so large, that is why I
could not give my wishes to newly married couple. These newlyweds later on regret for not
being able to see guests. Thus, it is clear from this example that large weddings can cause
problems for both husbands and wives.
In conclusion, it has been proven that expensive weddings can cause difficulties for newly
married individuals. Thus, it is predicted that people will take into account the advantages and
drawbacks of spending extreme amount on their marriage celebrations.
Wordcount: 304


TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give the effects of expensive weddings to couples and you cited personal
examples to prove your point. However, your wordcount is 304. Reduce to 250-265 words to
save time.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
You have a good range of vocabulary: put a strain, matrimonial, lavish.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words: in conclusion, in addition to this, for example. Structure needs
improvement. Avoid one sentence paragraphs. Follow five-paragraph structure:

Introduction
Body Paragraph 1 – Agree
Body Paragraph 2 – Agree
Body Paragraph 3 – Disagree
Conclusion
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Grammar errors are minor and do not affect comprehension: my wishes to newly married couple.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #80
The following IELTS Writing Makeover is from Samina. She writes about her thoughts on
food quality due to technology.
The range and quality of food that we can buy has changed because of technological and
scientific advances. Some people regard this change as an improvement, while others
believe that it is harmful.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Today, the food technology has revolutionized the various varieties and standard of food people
consume .It is debated whether technology or science brings more benefits than drawback, my
view is that advantages outweigh the disadvantages This essay will look at both sides of the
argument.
On the one hand, there are many benefits of technological developments in food and beverage


industry. Farmers can produce crops that grow faster. Genetically modified crops are more
resistant to disease, drought and insect, and it results in more production and more profit. For
example, Pusa Institute of Agriculture in New Delhi, India, has introduced a variety of wheat that
can grow faster and increase the production 75% more than other species of wheat. As this
shows that advances in technology is a positive sign of boosting production. Thus, it is
concluded from this example that technological and scientific innovations in food industry are
worthwhile.
On the other hand, there are many negatives of these advances in food technology as well. Many

people do not trust the processed or genetically modified foods. They prefer organic foods which
are produced without chemicals, and growing crops without fertilizers and pesticides is
environmentally friendly. For example, a friend of mine in Saudi Arabia, is always buying fresh
vegetables and meat instead of frozen foods, and as a result of consuming fresh foods, he is
having no signs of rheumatoid disease. As this shows that preserved foods do not have much
nutrients. Thus, it is clear that processed food is unhealthy.
Following this look at this discussion, it has been shown that the innovations in food technology
are enhancing the quality of life. It is believed that advances in food technology bringing more
benefits than drawbacks. It is predicted that these developments in food and beverage industry
will continue to be used in safe way.

4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You gave both sides of the issue and gave clearly your stand on food technology. You gave
concrete examples to boost your arguments.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Good range of vocabulary words: advances, pesticides, consuming, rheumatoid disease.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words: on the one hand, for example, thus, on the other hand. Paragraphs are
clear, logical and to the point.
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some minor errors but they do not affect communication: in (a) safe way.


IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #81
The following essay is from Minh Hang. The essay discusses the advantages of a university
degree vs. work experience.
Topic: Many people say that the only way to guarantee getting a good job is to complete a
course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and
gain experience in the world of work. How far do you agree or disagree with the above

views?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or
experience.
It is undeniable that job market is more and more challenging today which draws considerable
attention of people. There is a school of thoughts that getting tertiary education is the only way to
get a great job. However, others hold that starting work after school to have hands-on experience
is more important. In my opinion, I strongly agree that taking further study at university is the
most wise choice for future career viability.
Firstly, having a degree of bachelor is highly likely to give students a distinct advantage when
seeking for well-paid jobs. Actually, college qualification is considered as official indicator of
students’ ability to master professional knowledge as well as commitment and self-discipline in a
four-year course. Moreover, many employers are impressed by candidates with university
qualifications than those with only high school ones. Therefore, attending university may boost
students’chances of being accepted into prestigious companies.
Secondly, it is obvious that universities are favourable environment for enhancing specialized
knowledge. In fact, they include large libraries storing a wide range of valuable books in
different fields which are not available outside campus. For example, library in Law University
in Vietnam contains rare documents which can not be found anywhere in this country. Besides,
lecturers with abundant teaching experience and outstanding knowledge enables students
thorough analysis of aspects in their majors and help them tackle problems in studying process.
Some students argue that some famous people such as Bill Gates and Steve Jobs still have
brilliant career without completing a university course. Nevertheless, this viewpoint is seemingly


superficial because if students do not dig deep into knowledge , they will not have enough
essential skills to work efficiently in the future.
In conclusion, getting higher education in university may give people many opportunity of
getting good jobs because it provides ideal conditions for students to acquire extensive
knowledge. Moreover, bachelor’s degree is often highly aprreciated.
Wordcount: 314

4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to explain both points of view and you were able to state clearly your point on the
advantages of having a degree. You gave concrete examples to support your stand. However,
wordcount is 314. Reduce to 250-265 words to save time and minimize errors.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Attempts to show range of vocabulary are observed but some are misused: school of thoughts,
most wise choice. Other good vocabulary: tertiary education, hands-on experience, superficial,
distinct advantage. There is also a tendency to be wordy: Besides, lecturers with abundant
teaching experience and outstanding knowledge enables students thorough analysis of aspects in
their majors and help them tackle problems in studying process.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good range of transition words used: firstly, secondly, in conclusion, moreover. Paragraphs are
organized and logical.
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar errors: appreciated, lack of articles e.g. bachelor’s degree is often,
universities are favorable, that job market.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #82
The following essay was written by Phuong Mai. The essay discusses the benefits of social
skills over qualifications.


Topic: Employers now tend to prefer employees with good social skills in addition to good
qualifiations.Social skills are getting more and more important compared to qualifications.
Do you agree or disagree?
It is undeniable that social skills is more and more crucial in job requirements at workplace.
Today, employees who possess clever social skills may gain stronger impression of employers
than those with good qualifications. Therefore, many believe that social skills far outweigh
qualifications. In my opinion, I strongly agree with this viewpoint because of some following

reasons.
Firstly, getting good social skills plays an important part in creating harmonious working
environment. Actually, it is obvious that high competitiveness and envy are invariably available
at workpalces. Besides, the enormous volume of work can put workers under much pressure and
make them in bad temper.Therefore, if people behave impolitely and do not give encouraging
remarks to their colleagues, heated arguments are likely to be arised. Consequently, employees
suffer from more excessive stress.
Secondly, social skills can boost profitable business. This benefit is evident in jobs in a banking
organization. When a customer approaches the bank for applying for a loan, if the staff are
friendly and enthusiastic in instructing procedures, he or her will feel comfortable. Hence, it is
likely that the bank can draw a lot of customers in the future and make a fortune.
Some people argue that employees who get excellent qualifications should be taken priority over
those with good interpersonal skills. However, this opinion is seemingly superficial because if
they can not communicate and behave effectively, chances of entering prestigious companies and
showing their extensive knowledge are slim.
In conclusion, acquiring good social skills is more dominant than getting excellent qualifications
because it makes working environment comfotable. Besides it helps business to earn a lot of
money.

4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to argue on the importance of social skills over qualifications. You gave
supporting details to prove your stand.


LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied: prestigious, superficial, excessive stress, extensive knowledge.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words: firstly, secondly, in conclusion, therefore. Paragraphs are clear, logical
and to the point.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar errors: social skills is, social skills plays, comfotable, to be arised,
workpalces, make them in bad temper, makes working environment.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #83
The following IELTS Writing essay is from Ray of China. He writes about his views on arts
and its effect on people’s quality of life.
Many people think arts like painting and music can not directly improve people's quality of
life therefore government should spend money on other things.

The issue of whether government should spend money on arts such as painting and music is a
frequent topic of discussion when people try to solve the problem concerning public warefare
and government responsibility.Some people argue that arts like painting and music fail to
directly improve people's quality of life and consequently government should allocate money on
other things like infrastructures to promote people's quality of life.
Clearly,there're risks involved for the government to invest on arts,the most essential of which
being the performance price ratio of such investment.In comparison to building infrastructures
for the local community,the improvement of arts tends to be far more demanding in terms of
money.Arts investment includes establishIng corresponding education system and training
professional teachers apart from building classrooms and purchasing instruments and
equipments ,which requires long-run financial support from the government and is definitely a
heavy burden on their budget.Furthermore,although many people has passion for these arts, the
vast majority in china would agree that these things are not as important as food, shelter or
clothes.Spending money on satisfying those urgent needs is definitely a wiser choice than on
arts.


Even so,the advantages of spending money on arts can not be overlooked.The most critical
positive effect of that investing is the society cohesion enhanced by arts.Arts like music and
painting are part of our culture and culture gives identity to the country.As a result, we should

embrace the works of the hands of our countrymen.By appreciating arts ,individuals from
different parts of the nation could feel connected and related.Moreover,arts like music and
painting can help us release tension and express our emotions. As humans, most of us find an
outlet for our creative and emotinal sides and the best way to express this is through arts like
music and painting.
As far as I am concerned,our government is responsible for improving the quality of people's
lives both physically and spiritually,therefore proper amount of money should be allocated
wisely on arts to promote the prospects of local culture.Only by this can we progress our society
in a more balanced and more sustainable way.otherwise we would lost ourselves in the
urbanization process and get isolated from each other.
Wordcount: 362

4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to state clearly your position on government funding for the arts. However,
wordcount is 362. Reduce to 250-265 words to minimize errors and to save time.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Good vocabulary range: allocated, long-run financial support, overlooked.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
You’ve made use of good transition words to connect sentences and paragraphs: otherwise,
moreover, furthermore. However, improve clarity of paragraphs by having only one main point
per paragraph. Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format:
Introduction
Body Paragraph 1
Body Paragraph 2
Body Paragraph 3
Conclusion
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a number of grammar errors found: there’re, would lost
Split run-on sentences into two and remove redundant phrases:
“Some people argue that arts like painting and music fail to directly improve people's quality of
life and consequently government should allocate money on other things like infrastructures to
promote people's quality of life.”
“Arts investment includes establishIng corresponding education system and training
professional teachers apart from building classrooms and purchasing instruments and
equipments ,which requires long-run financial support from the government and is definitely a
heavy burden on their budget.”

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #84
The following essay was written by Sakhti . He discusses the advantages and disadvantages
of living in an apartment.
Some people believe that people living in apartments feel unhappy and lonely. Others,
however, argue that living in apartment has more advantages than disadvantages. Discuss
both views abd give your opinion.

Since the dawn of time, human beings began to residing in several forms of accommodations
such as caves, huts, shelters, independent houses, lodges and apartments. However, the
contemporary trend seems to be is that myriad populace show predilection to accommodate in
high-rise flats and this fashion is ballooning at a rapid pace. On the one hand, there are people
censuring this development point out that this life style has more detrimental efforts than
beneficial values. On the other hand, there are many who support this approach list out manifold
profits to the dwellers. Here, both of these perceptions will be meticulously critiqued before
establishing an inference.
According to one camp, people who criticize living in apartment building indicate that this way
of living not only destructs their happiness but also separates them from the society. A good case
in point is point is that by and large, residents in dwelling are keen to maintain privacy and
would not even consider helping neighborhoods in emergency circumstances such as medical
assistance, first aid or caring child for a while. Moreover, the recent news published in “ India

today” magazine divulged a concerning issue that almost 80% of the crimes happened in
metropolitan cities in the year 2011 transpired in these vulnerable tenements. As a result,
inhabitants worry a lot about their safety and are not jubilant dwelling in flats. Hence, it is
pellucid why many people gravitate towards this opinion.
Nevertheless, in accordance with other camp, people who are at loggerheads wrangle that
apartment lives bring various higher living standards and social awareness. An ideal illustrate to
support this in action is that in India, most of apartment residences provide ultimate facilities
namely swimming pool, gymnasium, garden, community clubs ans so on. Consequently, this
facilitates dwellers in apartment house to get to know each other and develop their personal and
social skills and enjoy really well in this inductive environment. Therefore, there is no surprise
why many people show penchant towards this perception.
In synopsis, following the perusal of both viewpoints, it is lucid that residing in an apartment
has more pros than cons. Further, it is prognosticated that more and more people in the future
will prefer to dwelling in high-rise building because of the salient features offered and
government will take some redial actions to ensure the protection of dwellers.

4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to provide both points of view. You gave concrete examples to support your
arguments. However, wordcount is 390. Reduce to 250-265 words to save time and minimize
errors.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied but avoid technical vocabulary and wordiness as not to affect
comprehension of the paragraphs e.g. prognosticated, perusal, predilection, loggerheads.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words such as consequently, further, therefore. However, improve organization
by using the 5-paragraph format:
Introduction

Body Paragraph 1- Agree 1
Body Paragraph 2 – Agree 2
Body Paragraph 3 – Disagree 1


GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar errors:
To residing, ideal illustrate, ans so on, prefer to dwelling, redial actions.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #85
The following IELTS essay is from May of China. She talks about her views regarding
money leading to happiness.
Money if only just sufficient for your needs leads to happiness. Money in excess may lead to
many problems. Do you agree or disagree?

It is undeniable that money plays one of the most important roles in everyone's life. Some people
think that problems are created when people have a huge amount of money and life will be more
enjoyable if people have just right amount of financial income. This view will be supported by
analyzing how rich people pose problems to a society and how people live happily when they
have just enough money to live.
First of all, most of the criminals from juvenile delinquencies come from privileged families. For
example, these days, many youngsters from rick families join gang groups, involve in drugs
smuggling and a group fight. This is because such young adolescents do not have a responsibility
for their families or their income since they comes from a strong financial background whereas
youths from middle-income families probably have to take care of their own expenses. Thus, it is
clear that young people from rice families creates more problems than that of from middle class
families.
In addition to this, people from neither very rich nor very poor families enjoy their lives
peacefully with their loved ones. For instance, recent statistics revealed that people from a
middle socio-economic status has the highest percentage of satisfaction with their lives compared

to the participants from lower or higher financial status. From this, it is believed that middle class
people are not as busy as people from others classes which allow middle incomers to spend more
time with their families and enjoy their lives.


In a nutshell, it is believed that people do not need a lot of money to live happily in their lives. In
addition, more and more problems are imposed when people have too much free time and excess
amount of money.

4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give your views on why just sufficient money can lead to happiness. You gave
concrete examples to prove your point. However, do discuss also the opposite point of view.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Good range of vocabulary: higher financial status, strong financial background, middle incomers.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words were used: first of all, in addition, in a nutshell, for instance. Improve
organization by using the 5-paragraph format:
Introduction
Body Par 1- Agree 1
Body Par 2- Agree 2
Body Par 3 – Disagree 1
Conclusion
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar errors :
Rick families = rich families
Rice families = rich families
people from a middle socio-economic status has the highest percentage of satisfaction = people
from a middle socio-economic status have the highest percentage of satisfaction
they comes = they come

young people from rice families creates more problems = young people from rich families create
more problem.