HD CHI TIET NANG CAP BAI VIET TASK 2 BAND 6 LEN BAND 9 BY NGOCBACH

HƯỚNG DẪN NÂNG CẤP BÀI VIẾT TASK 2
BAND 6.0 -> BAND 9.0 BY NGOC BACH

In the future, it seems it will be more difficult to live on the Earth. Some people think more money
should be spent on researching other planets to live, such as Mars. To what extent do you agree or
disagree with this statement?
ANSWER
It is true that there are several discussions about whether authorities in many countries should invest
more money on finding other new places for creatures to survive because of the rising difficulties of
living on the Earth. While I agree that the Earth is as not as [1] favourable as it was in the past, I also
believe that the too much expenditure on space research too much is a waste of time and money as
well.
On the one hand, there are two major reasons why I suppose consider [2] that it is becoming
impossible for ordinary people to settle down [3] on the Earth. The first reason is that natural resouses
resources are put in dangers being depleted [4] due to the uncontrolled consumption of people. To
generate electricity, for example, the growing amount of oil, gas and coal used to meet humans human
[5] demand on a daily basis, which have has [6] serious impacts on the [7] environment. The second
reason is that a great number of countries has have [8] witnessed environmental pollutions pollution
[9] which has [10] affected adversely to humankind. In many factories in Vietnam, there has have [11]
been thousands of [12] tons of industrial rubbish released illegally into rivers nearby.
On the other hand, I believe that governments should be not encouraged to spend more money on
seeking a new planet on which [13] to survive in the future. Firstly, the expenses of researching in the
space industry might account for a huge amount of money in the national budgets. It would be more
effective that if the authorities should use used [14] them this money [15] to invest on in many other
key fields such as education, health and especially transportation, which would [16] raise the living
standard of the citizens. Furthermore, the development of advanced technology would be a much
better solution to improve the survival of humankind on the Earth. Politicians should run more
campaigns to encourage people to use green energy sources instead of natural resouses resources.
In conclusion, despite the fact that there have been numerous problems living on the Earth, I also
believe that it is not necessary for governments to spend more expenses money [17] on seeking other
new planets for humans to survive in the future.

339 words
Written by Tung (Học sinh lớp IELTS Writing Ngoc Bach tháng 04/2016)
Band ~6.0

Written by Ngoc Bach
Website: www.ngocbach.com


There are quite a lot of corrections to note:
1. Grammar: the structure is: as + adjective + as....... This explanation is excellent:
/>2. Vocabulary: ‘suppose’ suggests that we are guessing something, without having any
information. A much more accurate synonym for ‘believe’ is ‘consider’. See:
/>3. Vocabulary: delete ‘down’. The idea of ‘settle’ is ‘colonise’. This is the correct word.
‘Settle down’ has a different meaning:
/>4. Vocabulary: the correct phrase is always ‘in danger’ (‘danger’ is not used in the plural in
this phrase). However, the exact words to express this idea are: ‘being depleted’ – this
explains precisely what is happening to the world’s resources:
/>5. Vocabulary: ‘human’ is often used as an adjective to = ‘of humans’. This is very
important to remember. See:
/>6. Grammar: the subject of the verb is in the singular form [‘the growing amount’].
Therefore, the verb must also be in the 3rd person singular [‘has].
7. When used as a noun, this is almost always referred to as ‘the environment’. See number
2 in this dictionary reference:
/>8. Grammar: this is similar to correction 6. This time, the subject of the verb is in the
plural form [‘a great number of countries’]. Therefore, the verb must be in the 3rd person
plural [‘have’].
9. Vocabulary: ‘pollution’ is an uncountable noun, so it can never be used in the plural.
10. Grammar: as a result of correction 9, the subject of the verb is now an uncountable noun,
so the verb must be in the 3rd person singular [‘has’].

11. Grammar: the rule is ‘there has been + singular or uncountable noun’ or ‘there have
been + plural noun’. See: />12. Grammar: it is important to know how to refer to big numbers. See: www.ieltssimon.com In the Archives section of the home page, click on the blog for October 11,
2012.
13. Grammar: this is a structure of ‘preposition + relative pronoun’. To understand when it
is used, see:
/>14. Grammar: this is an imaginary situation – it has not in fact happened yet. The 2nd
conditional form should be used when we write about such a situation. See:
/>
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Website: www.ngocbach.com


15. Grammar: this is a mistake which the IELTS examiners call ‘referencing’. It is part of
the mark for the section ‘coherence and cohesion’. Here, we do not know what ‘them’
refers to, so we must make this clear.
16. Grammar: this is related to correction 14. The reference is still to an imaginary
situation: IF the authorities invested money in things like education, then this WOULD
raise living standards.
17. Vocabulary: we can spend money, but we cannot spend ‘expenses’. See number 3 in the
definition of ‘expenses’:
/>
COMMENT (BY NGOCBACH)
The essay has been well planned and constructed. The Essay Plan drawn from an analysis of this
task indicates good planning. The only thing to improve is the final part of paragraph 3, where
the ideas of campaigns to educate people to use green energy sources is not linked well to the
idea of the development of advanced technology.
In all other respects, the ideas are all relevant. They are developed and real-life examples give
‘focus’ to the arguments. The opinion is clear throughout and each argument is clearly identified
for the examiner. With the exception mentioned in the paragraph above, the ideas are welllinked and the paragraph structure is clear and logical.
It would achieve at least a score of 7 for task response and coherence/cohesion in my view.

However, the number of grammar and vocabulary mistakes would seriously lower the score and
it would probably achieve only 6 overall. I have used some of the good topic vocabulary in the
amended essay below.

Essay Plan:
Introduction: introduce the topic, give own opinion.
Paragraph 2: why it is becoming more difficult to live on planet Earth. [1] overconsumption causes the depletion of natural resources. Example: energy demands and
fossil fuels. [2] growing problems of pollution. Example: Vietnam – dumping of rubbish
into rivers by some industries.
Paragraph 3: spending money to find new planets to settle is a waste of resources. [1]
Money is needed to raise the living standards of people and provide good health and

Written by Ngoc Bach
Website: www.ngocbach.com


education services. [2] Money should also be used to develop advanced technology, such as
the funding of green energy projects.
Conclusion: looking for new planets to colonise is a waste of time and resources. Repeat
the opinion in the introduction – disagree with the statement.

Dịch đại ý:
Dàn ý bài viết:
Mở bài: Giới thiệu chủ đề, đưa ra ý kiến riêng.
Đoạn văn 2: tại sao sống trên trái đất ngày một khó khăn hơn? [1] tiêu thụ quá nhiều gây cạn
kiệt tài nguyên thiên nhiên. Ví dụ: nhu cầu năng lượng và nhiên liệu hóa thạch. [2] các vấn đề ô
nhiễm ngày càng gia tăng. Ví dụ: Việt Nam – việc xả thải ra các dòng sông của một số doanh
nghiệp.
Đoạn văn 3: chi tiền tìm các hành tinh mới để định cư là một sự lãng phí nguồn lực. [1] Cần tiền
để nâng cao mức sống của người dân và cung cấp các dịch vụ y tế, giáo dục tốt. [2] Tiền cũng

nên được sử dụng để phát triển các công nghệ tiên tiến, chẳng hạn như tài trợ cho các dự án năng
lượng xanh.
Kết luận: tìm kiếm các hành tinh mới để xâm chiếm là một sự lãng phí thời gian và nguồn lực.
Lặp lại các ý kiến trong khổ mở bài - không đồng ý với ý kiến trên.

Written by Ngoc Bach
Website: www.ngocbach.com


Amended essay by Ngoc Bach [band 9]

It is true that, if present trends continue, it will become increasingly difficult to sustain human
life on Earth. While I agree that it is vital to tackle this problem, I believe that expenditure on
research for new planets to colonise should be given a low priority, and resources must be used
to find other, more practical solutions.
There are two major reasons why life on Earth is becoming more and more unsustainable. One
obvious problem is the uncontrolled consumption of natural resources, which are being depleted
as a result. For instance, the extraction of fossil fuels, such as coal, gas and oil, to satisfy
growing energy demands has serious environmental impacts, and these resources will eventually
run out. Another concern is the rising level of pollution worldwide, of the land, the oceans and
the air that we breathe. In Vietnam, for example, thousands of tons of industrial rubbish have
been released illegaly into rivers, killing aquatic life and contaminating drinking water.
However, I would argue that the search for a new planet on which humans could survive is a
waste of valuable resources. Firstly, a vast amount of funding would be required to finance such
space exploration, with no guarantee of success. This money is needed now to improve health
services globally and to provide better education for all. Secondly, financial resources should be
used to develop advanced technologies that would be more environmentally-friendly and
provide renewable energy. In the field of transport, to take a simple example, vehicles can now
be converted to run on hydrogen or even waste cooking oil – as McDonald’s have done with
their trucks.

In conclusion, I consider that the search for new planets on which to settle is a waste of time and
resources, and efforts should be concentrated on living more sustainably here on Earth.
303 words

Written by Ngoc Bach
Website: www.ngocbach.com


Dịch đại ý:
Sự thật là, nếu những xu hướng hiện nay vẫn tiếp diễn, việc duy trì sự sống của con người trên
trái đất sẽ trở nên ngày càng khó khăn. Trong khi tôi đồng ý rằng nó quan trọng để giải quyết vấn
đề này, tôi tin rằng chi phí cho nghiên cứu các hành tinh mới để định cư nên được ưu tiên thấp,
và các nguồn lực phải được sử dụng để tìm các giải pháp khác thiết thực hơn
Có hai lý do chính giải thích tại sao sự sống trên Trái đất ngày càng trở nên không bền vững.
Một vấn đề hiển nhiên chính là sự tiêu thụ không kiểm soát các nguồn tài nguyên thiên nhiên, mà
hậu quả là nó đang ngày một khan hiếm. Ví dụ, việc khai thác các nhiên liệu hóa thạch như than,
khí đốt và dầu, để đáp ứng nhu cầu năng lượng ngày càng tăng đã tác động môi trường một cách
nghiêm trọng, và các nguồn lực này cuối cùng sẽ cạn kiệt . Một mối quan tâm khác chính là mức
gia tăng của tình trạng ô nhiễm trên toàn thế giới, của đất, đại dương và không khí mà chúng ta
hít thở. Ví dụ, ở Việt Nam, hàng ngàn tấn rác thải công nghiệp đã được thải trái phép ra sông,
giết chết đời sống thủy sinh và ô nhiễm nguồn nước uống.
Tuy nhiên, tôi cho rằng việc tìm kiếm một hành tinh mới mà con người có thể sống sót là một sự
lãng phí những tài nguyên giá trị. Thứ nhất, một số lượng lớn các nguồn tài trợ sẽ được yêu cầu
để tài trợ cho cuộc thăm dò không gian, mà không có sự bảo đảm thành công nào. Lượng tiền
này đang cần thiết để cải thiện dịch vụ y tế trên toàn cầu và cung cấp giáo dục tốt hơn cho tất cả.
Thứ hai, nguồn lực tài chính nên được sử dụng để phát triển các công nghệ tiên tiến mà thân
thiện với môi trường và cung cấp năng lượng tái tạo. Lấy một ví dụ đơn giản, trong lĩnh vực vận
tải, xe bây giờ có thể được chuyển đổi sang chạy bằng hydro hoặc thậm chí là dầu ăn - như
McDonald đã làm với xe tải của họ.
Tóm lại, tôi cho rằng việc tìm kiếm các hành tinh mới để định cư là một sự lãng phí thời gian và

nguồn lực,; và các nỗ lực nên được tập trung vào việc sống một cách bền vững hơn trên trái đất.

Bản sửa lại đã được gửi đến cựu giám khảo IELTS Lee (ielts-liz.com giới thiệu. Một trong
những website uy tín được Hội đồng anh và IDP tin tưởng) và được chấm 9.0.
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DOWNLOAD BÀI CHẤM ĐIỂM TẠI ĐÂY:
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VOCABULARY
Sustain [verb] [giữ vững, chống đỡ] support something/somebody in order to be able to continue
to live.
Example: In the past, sailors took large supplies of fresh water and food on their ships to sustain
them on their long voyages.
colonise: [verb] [chiếm làm thuộc địa] take control of an area in order to live there.
Example: European countries tried to colonise all the countries of South-East Asia.
low priority: [noun] [ưu tiên thấp] something that you think is less important than other things
and should be dealt with last.
Example: Government spending on the arts is a low priority during times of economic crisis.
unsustainable: [adjective] [không thể chống đỡ được] that cannot be continued at the same rate
or level.
Example: Experts predict that economic growth in China is unsustainable.
deplete: [verb] [thiếu hụt] reduce by a large amount, so that there is not much left.
Example: After 6 months without rain, the amount of water available to supply the city was
seriously depleted.
extraction: [noun] [sự chọn lọc/ sự chiết] the act or process of removing something.
Example: The extraction of salt from the sea has been practised for many centuries.
run out: [phrasal verb] [cạn kiệt] if something runs out, it is used up or finished.

Example: The supermarket had run out of bread, so I had to go to a different shop.
aquatic life: [noun] [đời sống thủy sinh] the creatures and plants that live in rivers and lakes.
Example: The chemicals which the factory put into the river killed all the aquatic life.
contaminate: [verb] [làm bẩn, làm nhiễm] make a place dirty by adding something that is
dangerous.
Example: The pollution resulting from all the traffic in the city is contaminating the air that
people breathe.
guarantee: [noun] [sự đảm bảo] something which makes something else certain to happen.
Example: There is no guarantee that money will bring happiness.
environmentally-friendly: [adjective] [có tính thân thiện với môi trường] not damaging the
environment.
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Example: Recycling is one way in which people can act in an environmentally-friendly way.
renewable energy: [noun] [năng lượng tái tạo] replaced naturally, so that there is no danger that
it will finish.
Example: Wind and solar power are examples of renewable energy sources.
convert: [verb] [đổi, biến đổi] changed from one form or system to another.
Example: The church in our street has been converted into a restaurant.
waste: [adjective] [bỏ hoang] no longer needed for a particular process and therefore thrown
away.
Example: People are encouraged to recycle their waste newspapers and plastic.
settle: [verb] [định cư] make a place your permanent home.
Example: After his father died, he decided to settle in Paris.

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Website: www.ngocbach.com