How to Be a Gentleman Revised and Updated: A Timely Guide to Timeless Manners

How
TOBEA


GENTLEMAN


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How


TOBEA


GENTLEMAN
REVISEDANDEXPANDED

A
TIMELYGUIDE
TO
TIMELESS
MANNERS
JOHNBRIDGES


ForCLAYISAACS,whowasbornknowingallthesethings(1998edition)
ForBILLWALKER,whohaslistenedfor25years'worthofSundays(2008
edition)

CONTENTS
INTRODUCTIONix
TheFundamentalThingsApply
1oEternalTruthsoftheGentlemanlyLifexv
ChapterOne
AGentlemanExperiencesRealLife1
ChapterTwo
AGentlemanGetsDressed53
ChapterThree
AGentlemanGoestoDinner75
ChapterFour
AGentlemanSaystheRightThing94
ChapterFive
AGentlemanGivesaParty117
ChapterSix
AGentlemanGoestoaParty135
ChapterSeven
AGentlemanandHisFriends153
ChapterEight
AGentlemanGoestotheOffice179


ChapterNine
AGentlemanGetsEquipped200
ChapterTen
ExtremeEtiquette212


INTRODUCTION
WhenthefirsteditionofHowtoBeaGentlemanwaspublishedtenyears

ago, correct, considerate behavior was being challenged on every side.
Thepremiseofthatbookwasthatmen,asarule,leaveituptothewomen
in their lives (their mothers, their wives, their girlfriends, and women
who are simply their friends, with no blood relation and no romantic
attachment)totellthemhowtobehave.
Sinceitseemedtoansweralltheburninggood-behaviorquestionsofthe
moment,HowtoBeaGentlemanprovedtobehugelysuccessful;infact,
ithasgoneontobetranslatedintomorethanadozenforeignlanguages,
doingitsparttobringcivilitytotheworldatlarge.Nevertheless,lifehas
changedagreatdealoverthepasttenyears,andgentlemenarenowleft
ontheirown,almostateveryturn.Cellphonesareeverywhere,barking
out at us in airports, in grocery stores, and in movie theatres. Unless a
gentleman is an absolute Luddite, e-mail is a central part of his life. He
must remind himself, at all times, to check up on his text messages.
Written correspondence seems even more antiquated than before. Dress
codes seem to fluctuate every time a new star wears his shirttail out or
tuckshisshirttailinwhilewalkingdownaredcarpet.
And yet certain truths remain unchanged, and the desire for
gentlemanliness persists, as well. No matter how much the world may
change,agentlemanstillneedstoknowhowtobehave,fromdaytoday
andfromoccasiontooccasion.Ifhedropsafork,hestillwantstoknow
whetherheshouldpickituporleaveitlyingonthefloor.
Married or not, a gentleman will be expected to go to parties and to
entertain. He has business associates to deal with and coworkers with
whomhemustgetalong.Heneedstoknowhowtosetatable.Heneedsto
knowhowtointroducetwoofhisbestfriends.
Andheneedstoknowhowtotieabowtie,allbyhimself,atamoment's
notice.
Ultimately,however,beingagentlemanhaslittletodowithtyingatieor
fumblingwiththeflatware.Instead,itrequiresonlyalittlelogic,abitof

forethought, and a great deal of consideration for others. It is not about
complicatedrulesandconvolutedinstructions.Itisabouttryingtomake
lifeeasierforotherpeople.Itisabouthonestlyandsincerelybeinganice
guy.
For a nice guy, the noblest virtues are camaraderie, dependability, and
unswervingloyalty.Herealizesthatitisanoversimplificationtosuggest
thatagentleman'sfuturemightberuinedifheweretoeathisentreewitha
salad fork. That is why this book spells out what a man really needs to
know if he plans to make his way in this world. Simply acting like a
gentlemanisnotenough.Itisbeingagentlemanthatisimportant,andthat
meansthinkingofothers,beingtherewhenyouareneeded,andknowing
whenyouarenotneeded.
It truly is possible for a man to learn to be a gentleman if he has the
direction he needs. For that reason, the women of the world have
welcomedthisbookforoveradecade.
They will welcome this new edition now. And gentlemen, everywhere,
willbegladtoseeit,too,safeintheknowledgethatanevernewerworld
canbeanevernicerworldaswell.
Agentlemandoeshisbesttobetherewhenheisneededandtostayoutofthe
waytherestofthetime.


THEFUNDAMENTAL
THINGSAPPLY


10ETERNALTRUTHSOFTHE
GENTLEMANLYLIFE

1.Agentlemansays"please"and"thankyou,"readilyandoften.
2. A gentleman does not disparage the beliefs of others-whether they
relatetomattersoffaith,politics,orsportsteams.
3. A gentleman always carries a handkerchief, and is ready to lend it,
especiallytoaweepinglady,shouldtheneedarise.
4. A gentleman never allows a door to slam in the face of another
personmaleorfemale,youngorold,absolutestrangerorlongtimebest
friend.
5. A gentleman does not make jokes about race, religion, gender, or
sexualorientation;neitherdoeshefindsuchjokesamusing.
6.Agentlemanknowshowtostandinlineandhowtowaithisturn.
7.Agentlemanisalwaysreadytoofferaheartyhandshake.
8.Agentlemankeepshisleathershoespolishedandhisfingernailsclean.
9.Agentlemanadmitswhenheiswrong.
10.Agentlemandoesnotpickafight.


ChapterOne


AGENTLEMAN
EXPERIENCESREALLIFE
Agentlemanknowshowtomakeothersfeelcomfortable.

Ifagentlemanhasacold,andespeciallyifheisrunningafever,hedeclinesall
socialinvitations.Ifitispossible,heevenstaysawayfromtheoffice.

Evenifhelivesalone,agentlemanneverdrinksmilkdirectlyfromthe
container.

Agentlemanknowsthatunseemlyhabits,althoughtheymayseeminnocuous,
caneasilybecomehard,orevenimpossible,tobreak.

AGENTLEMANANDHISCELLPHONE
Although cell phones have become ubiquitous in the modern world, a
gentleman does his best to use his cell phone in the most unobtrusive
mannerpossible.Heknowsthat,whilemanymayconsideracellphoneto
beanecessity,thereisnoreasonheshouldbeobnoxiouswhenusingone.
Infact,cellphones,andevenwirelessheadsets,havebecomesocommon
thatnooneislikelytobeimpressedbythefactthatagentlemanownsone.
He need not flaunt his newest gadgets, no matter how expensive or
cutting-edgetheymaybe,inhopesofimpressingotherswithhissocialor
professionalstatus.Agentlemanwhoseekstoshoreuphisself-imageby
the use of gadgetry, especially among strangers, is a very needy
gentlemanindeed.


Agentlemanknowsthatincessantuseofhiscellphonecanonlymakeit
clear that he values the person on the other end of the telephone
conversation far more highly than the persons who are in his company.
Such behavior is, at its best, ill-mannered and irritating. At its worst, it
grows tedious and may well lead to unpleasant confrontations with total
strangers,theatreushers,trainconductors,orairportsecurity.
A gentleman's telephone calls-whether they concern business or private
mattersarestillhispersonalaffair.Hedoesnotforceotherstolistenwhile
henegotiatesarealestatedeal,whilehemakesplansforaSaturday-night
outing, or while he recreates, in vivid detail, every play of the past
weekend's rugby game. Other people, after all, are probably no more
interestedinthedealingsofhisday-to-dayexistencethanheisinterested
intheirs.

If a gentleman finds that he truly must initiate, or receive, a phone call
whileheisinapublicplace,hemovestotheplacewhereheisleastlikely
tobecomeanuisancetoothers.Heknowsthatitisvirtuallyimpossibleto
conduct a "quiet" cell phone conversation-especially when he is in a
crowdedrestaurant,theaisleofagrocerystore,orthelobbyofatheatre.
If the person on the other end of the conversation can hear him, a
gentleman had best assume that every other person within earshot can
probablyhearhim,too.
Even in a business meeting, or when he is conducting business at
mealtime, a gentleman still says, "Excuse me" before answering a callevenifitisrelatedtothebusinessathand.Hedoesnotmakephonecalls
during a business meeting, unless they are pertinent to the topic that is
currently on the table and unless it is appropriate for the content of the
conversationtobesharedbyeveryoneelsewithinhearingdistance.
A gentleman would never be so rude, or self-important, as to cover the
phone with his hand, turn his head away from the rest of the table, and
mutter,"Excuseme,folks,butthisisn'tsomethingeverybodyhereneeds
tobeinon."
AGENTLEMANKNOWSTHATITISAPPROPRIATEFORHIMTOUSEHISCELLPHONE
...

ifheisalone


ifheiscertainthathisconversationwillnotdisturborannoyothers
ifheisadoctor,receivingacallfromhisansweringserviceorfromhis
office
if he is a father, expecting a report from his children or from their
babysitter
ifheisataraucouseventsuchasafootballgame,wherehisshoutingwill
onlyaddtothegeneraluproar

if it is truly necessary for him to bring another person into the
conversationatabusinessmeeting,atthatverymoment
ifhetrulybelievesthereisachancethatanemergencyisintheoffing
AGENTLEMANDOESNOTUSEHISCELLPHONE...

whenheisbehindthewheelofavehicle,ofanytype
inthemidstofachurchserviceorduringatheatreperformance,amovie,
orataconcert
atatableinarestaurantofanytype-beitfast-foodorfirst-class
inthewaitingroom,orintheexaminingroom,atadoctor'soffice
whenstandinginlineatthegrocerystore,thepostoffice,adeli,orany
other place where customers may find themselves trapped as unwilling
witnessestohisconversation
in an elevator, unless he is alone, or in the company of only friends or
coworkers
intheworkoutroomathisgym
onthe"quietcar"ofatrain
inthecabinofanairplane,unlesssomeactual,direemergencydemandsit
in any place where signage, or a public announcement, notifies him that


theuseofcellphonesisnotpermitted
Agentlemanwhohappenstobeadoctorcheckshispagerwithanusheror
changesittothesilentsetting.However,ifheisarealestateagentoutforan
eveningatthetheatre,heturnsoffhispagerandhiscellphoneentirely.Arealestateclosingisnotalife-threateningemergency.

Agentlemandoesnotswitchonhiscellphoneandlaunchintoaconversation
themomenthisplanehaslanded,simplybecauseaflightattendanthastoldhim
itissafetodoso.

Ifaflightattendanttellsagentlemantoturnoffhiscellphone,hisMP3player,
hislaptop,oranyotherelectronicdevice,hedoessoimmediately.Hedoesnot
behavechildishly,attemptingtostayonthephoneuntilhehasbeensingledout
forhavingignoredthesafetyinstructions.

Althoughagentlemanmaybeenjoyingmusic,bymeansofhispersonalsound
systemandwithhisearbudspluggedin,hestillkeepsthevolumeturnedtoa
reasonablelevel,knowingthatanearth-shatteringsoundlevelmaywellbe
shatteringthenervesofthepersonsseatednearhim.

Agentlemandoesnotassumethat,becausehiswirelessheadsetis
inconspicuous,hisconversationsareinconspicuous,aswell.

Wheneveragentlemanuseshiscellphoneorhisheadsetonacrowded
sidewalkorintheaisleofagrocerystore,hestillkeepstrackofwhereheis


going.Nomatterhowimportantorintriguinghisconversationmaybe,itstill
doesnotjustifyhisrammingintoanothershopper'sgrocerycart.

Agentlemandoesnotusehiscameraphoneinwaysthatintrudeuponthe
privacyofothers.

Agentlemanunderstandsthatifthetakingofphotographsisprohibitedatany
concertorotherperformanceorinanartgallery,thatprohibitionalso
includescamera-phonepictures.

Agentlemandoesnotattempttowalkandsendatextmessageatthesametime.

Agentlemanunderstandsthat,forgoodorill,ashewalksdownasidewalk

whileengagedinaconversationviahiswirelessheadset,passersbymay
understandablytakehimforaparanoidschizophrenic.

AGENTLEMANGOESTOTHETHEATRE
Becauseherespectsotherpeople,agentlemanalwaysshows upontime
foranyperformance,whetheritisaconcert,amotionpicture,orastage
play. If he arrives late, he does not attempt to be seated until there is a
suitable break in the performance. (In the case of a play or a musical
comedy, his tardiness may require him to wait until intermission.) In
every case, he follows the instructions of the ushers. If he behaves
himself, a gentleman knows, a kindly usher may quietly slip him into a
seatonthebackrow.
A gentleman never forgets that watching a live performance is not the


samethingaswatchingaTVshowinhisownlivingroom.Hedoesnot
talkduringtheperformance-evenduringtheveryloudestmusicorsound
effects.Hedoesnotshiftaboutinhisseatunnecessarily.
Ifagentlemanhasatendencytocough,healwayscarriesamintorthroat
lozenge.Shouldhefindhimselfsurprisedbyanuncontrollablecoughing
jag,agentlemanleavestheauditorium-bothforhisowngoodandforthe
goodofothers.
At a concert or any other musical performance, a gentleman does not
applauduntiltheendofacompletemusicalnumber.Ifheisunsure,heis
well-advisednottostartanovationalone.
Withoutevenbeingaskedtodoso,agentlemanturnsoffhiscellphoneor
pager as soon as he enters the theatre. (He also understands that, in this
case,"off"meansthephoneiscompletelysilenced-notsimplyswitchedto
the "vibrate" mode.) Because he knows others may be wishing to study
their program notes or simply to prepare themselves, mentally, for the

performance ahead, he does not engage in cell phone chit-chat once he
hassettledintohisseat.
Whenagentlemanmakeshiswaydownarowinacrowdedtheatre,hefaces
thepeoplewhoarealreadyintheirseats.Agentlemanneverforcesothersto
stareathisbackside.

Agentlemandoesnothumalong,singalong,orbeattimetotherhythmatany
concert,unlesstheperformershaveinvitedhimandhisfellowaudience
memberstodoso.

Ifagentlemanhasleftatelephonemessagefor,orsentane-mailto,another
person,hedoesnotleavebadgeringfollow-upcallsorinsistentfollow-upemails,especiallyifnodeadlineisinvolved.


Agentlemandoesnothesitatetoscreenhiscalls.

AGENTLEMANGOESTOAWEDDING
Althoughitistruethatanyweddingistechnicallyapublicevent(sinceit
recognizesthelegalunionoftwopeople),agentlemanonlyshowsupat
weddingstowhichhehasbeeninvited.Ifhisinvitationdoesnotsay"and
guest," he attends alone, even if a reception follows. He arrives on time
andsitsontheappropriatesideoftheaisle(theleftside,ifheisafriend
of the bride; the right side, if he is a friend of the groom; if he knows
them both, he sits on the side with the greater number of empty seats).
Duringtheceremony,hestandswheneveryoneelsedoes,andhedoesnot
chatduringthemusic.Atthereceptionhespeakstothebrideandgroom
andtotheirparents(nomatterhowmanydivorcesareinvolved).Ifthere
isdancing,hedoeshispart,partneringasmanybridesmaidsaspossible.
Ifheisnotinvitedtotheweddingreception,heisnotobligatedtogivea
gift;however,hedoesnotconsideritanundueobligation,inanycase,to

help the couple start out in married life. The gift he sends may be as
simple,oraselaborate,ashisfinanceswillallow.
A gentleman does not bring his gift with him to the church or to the
reception.Instead,hehasitsentorhedeliversithimself,wellaheadofthe
wedding. If he is unable to send his gift ahead of time-because of his
schedule, his financial situation, or his simple forgetfulness-he does not
fretaboutsendingitlate.Hemaysendagiftatanypointduringtheyear
following the wedding, knowing that a well-mannered bride and groom
willappreciatehisthoughtfulnessandgenerosity,atanytime.
Ifheisinvitedtothereception,aseparate"receptioncard"willprobably
be enclosed with the invitation. That card, if it is correctly worded, will
indicate whether or not he is expected to wear black tie. If the wedding
takesplaceinaverylargechurchorahotelballroom,andiftheinvitation
isanextremelyformalone,engravedonheavystock,hemayassumethat
black tie will be appropriate. If he does not own black tie and does not
wish to rent his formalwear, he can always feel at ease wearing his best
darksuit,blackshoes,andaconservativetie.