The Art of Talking to Anyone: Essential People Skills for Success in Any Situation

OtherbooksbyRosalieMaggio
HowtoSayIt
HowtoSayItStyleGuide
TheNewBeaconBookofQuotationsbyWomen
TalkingAboutPeople
MarieMarvingt:Femmed’unSiècle
TheMusicBoxChristmas
HowTheySaidIt
GreatLettersforEveryOccasion
MoneyTalks
AnImpulsetoSoar
QuotationsonLove
QuotationsfortheSoul
QuotationsonEducation
QuotationsFromWomenonLife
TheDictionaryofBias-FreeLanguage
TheNonsexistWordFinder
TheTravelsofSoc



Copyright©2005byRosalieMaggio.Allrightsreserved.Exceptaspermitted
undertheUnitedStatesCopyrightActof1976,nopartofthispublicationmay
bereproducedordistributedinanyformorbyanymeans,orstoredina
databaseorretrievalsystem,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthe
publisher.
ISBN:978-0-07-150600-7
MHID:0-07-150600-4
ThematerialinthiseBookalsoappearsintheprintversionofthistitle:ISBN:
978-0-07-145229-8,MHID:0-07-145229-X.

Alltrademarksaretrademarksoftheirrespectiveowners.Ratherthanputa
trademarksymbolaftereveryoccurrenceofatrademarkedname,weuse
namesinaneditorialfashiononly,andtothebenefitofthetrademarkowner,
withnointentionofinfringementofthetrademark.Wheresuchdesignations
appearinthisbook,theyhavebeenprintedwithinitialcaps.
McGraw-HilleBooksareavailableatspecialquantitydiscountstouseas
premiumsandsalespromotions,orforuseincorporatetrainingprograms.To
contactarepresentativepleasee-mailusat
Thispublicationisdesignedtoprovideaccurateandauthoritativeinformation
inregardtothesubjectmattercovered.Itissoldwiththeunderstandingthat
neithertheauthornorthepublisherisengagedinrenderinglegal,accounting,
orotherprofessionalservice.Iflegaladviceorotherexpertassistanceis
required,theservicesofacompetentprofessionalpersonshouldbesought.
—FromaDeclarationofPrinciplesjointlyadoptedbyCommitteeofthe
AmericanBarAssociationandaCommitteeofPublishers.
TERMSOFUSE
ThisisacopyrightedworkandTheMcGraw-HillCompanies,Inc.(“McGrawHill”)anditslicensorsreserveallrightsinandtothework.Useofthisworkis
subjecttotheseterms.ExceptaspermittedundertheCopyrightActof1976and
therighttostoreandretrieveonecopyofthework,youmaynotdecompile,
disassemble,reverseengineer,reproduce,modify,createderivativeworks


basedupon,transmit,distribute,disseminate,sell,publishorsublicensethe
workoranypartofitwithoutMcGraw-Hill’spriorconsent.Youmayusethe
workforyourownnoncommercialandpersonaluse;anyotheruseofthe
workisstrictlyprohibited.Yourrighttousetheworkmaybeterminatedifyou
failtocomplywiththeseterms.
THEWORKISPROVIDED“ASIS.”McGRAW-HILLANDITSLICENSORS
MAKENOGUARANTEESORWARRANTIESASTOTHEACCURACY,
ADEQUACYORCOMPLETENESSOFORRESULTSTOBEOBTAINED

FROMUSINGTHEWORK,INCLUDINGANYINFORMATIONTHATCAN
BEACCESSEDTHROUGHTHEWORKVIAHYPERLINKOR
OTHERWISE,ANDEXPRESSLYDISCLAIMANYWARRANTY,EXPRESS
ORIMPLIED,INCLUDINGBUTNOTLIMITEDTOIMPLIED
WARRANTIESOFMERCHANTABILITYORFITNESSFORA
PARTICULARPURPOSE.McGraw-Hillanditslicensorsdonotwarrantor
guaranteethatthefunctionscontainedintheworkwillmeetyourrequirements
orthatitsoperationwillbeuninterruptedorerrorfree.NeitherMcGraw-Hill
noritslicensorsshallbeliabletoyouoranyoneelseforanyinaccuracy,error
oromission,regardlessofcause,intheworkorforanydamagesresulting
therefrom.McGraw-Hillhasnoresponsibilityforthecontentofany
informationaccessedthroughthework.Undernocircumstancesshall
McGraw-Hilland/oritslicensorsbeliableforanyindirect,incidental,special,
punitive,consequentialorsimilardamagesthatresultfromtheuseofor
inabilitytousethework,evenifanyofthemhasbeenadvisedofthe
possibilityofsuchdamages.Thislimitationofliabilityshallapplytoany
claimorcausewhatsoeverwhethersuchclaimorcausearisesincontract,tort
orotherwise.


ToDAVIDLiz,Katie,Matt,Nora


Contents
Introduction
PartOne:TheBasics
Chapter1:HowtoSucceedinAnyConversation:FromStarttoFinish
Chapter2:HowtoBeUniversallyLiked
Chapter3:HowtoListenSuccessfully
Chapter4:HowtoKeepaConversationGoing—orStopOne

Chapter5:HowtoAskandAnswerQuestions
Chapter6:HowandWhentoTellJokes
Chapter7:HowtoDealWithConversationalPredicaments
Chapter8:HowtoBeanUnpopularConversationalist
PartTwo:TheSpecifics
Chapter9:TalkingWithAnyoneintheWorkplace
Chapter10:TalkingWithAnyoneatMeetingsandConferences
Chapter11:TalkingWithAnyoneatBusiness-SocialEvents
Chapter12:TalkingWithAnyoneatSocialEvents
Chapter13:TalkingWithAnyoneinPublicPlaces
Chapter14:TalkingWithAnyoneontheTelephone
Chapter15:TalkingWithAnyoneinTimesofTrouble


Chapter16:TalkingWithFamilyandFriends
Chapter17:TalkingWithRomanceinMind
Index


Introduction
Thereisnoreasonwhyanyoneofuscannot
becomeagoodconversationalist.…Itis
universalanditisoneofthemostdecisive
factorsinoursuccessorfailure.
—LILLIAN EICHLER
Ifyouhavepickedupthisbook,youmostlikelybelievethatbeingableto
conversefluentlyandappropriatelyisakeyfactorinyourworkplacesuccess
andyourpersonalhappiness.Youdon’tneedtobeconvincedofitsimportance.
TheArtofTalkingtoAnyonerestsonthissharedunderstandingandoffersyou
notthewhyofconversation,butthehow.

Theassumptionhereisthatyoucanalreadyconverse—you’vebeendoing
itmostofyourlife—andthatyouareamuchbetterconversationalistthanyou
realize.Butyouare,ifnotaperfectionist,atleastastriver,andyouwanttobe
better.
TheArtofTalkingtoAnyonewillprimeyourpump,jump-startyour
battery,providetheinspirationyouneedtoattainabsoluteconfidenceinyour
abilitytosaytherightthingtoanyone,anytime,anywhere.
PartOneisyourtoolbox.Guidelinesandstrategiesprovideyouwith
everythingyouneedtobecomeamoresuccessfulconversationalist:Whatisa
goodquestion?Whenshouldyounottellajoke?Howdoyougetawayfroma
nonstoptalker?Whatverbalticsmightyouunknowinglyhave?Howdoyou
respondtoarudequestion?How,exactly,doyouintroducetwopeopletoeach
other?
PartTwoofferspracticalhelpmakingconversationinnineareasofyour
life.Eachchapterincludessuggestionsonwhattosay,whatnottosay,whatto
doinspecialcircumstances,andhowyoumighthandlevarioussituations.The
section“IfTheySay…YouSay…”illustratestheback-and-forthnatureof
talkingwithothers.
Noonesaysbeingawell-likedandcharmingconversationalistiseasy.
Morethanahundredyearsago,GamalielBradfordconfessed,“SomehowI


findtalkveryunsatisfactory.IneversaythethingsImeanttosayandam
overwhelmedafterwardswiththethingsIshouldhavesaidandcouldnot.”
Soundfamiliar?
Someoneonceaskedafriend,“Howdidyougettobereallygoodat
makingconversation?”Thefriendreplied,“Byexperience.”“Oh?”askedthe
other.“Andhowdidyougetyourexperience?”Thefriendsaiddryly,“From
beingreallybadatmakingconversation.”
TheArtofTalkingtoAnyonewillsaveyoufromhavingtomakebad

conversationonyourwaytobecomingaself-assured,sought-after,successful
conversationalist.


TheArtofTalkingtoAnyone


PartOne
TheBasics


CHAPTER1

HowtoSucceedinAnyConversation:FromStartto
Finish
Goodmanners—thelongerIlivethemoreconvincedI
amofit—areapricelessinsuranceagainstfailureand
loneliness.Andanyonecanhavethem.
—ELSAMAXWELL
BeforeTalkingWithAnyone
Theartofconversingwithanyonebeginslongbeforeyouarriveatwherever
youhopetospeakcharminglyandintelligently.Thischaptertellsyouwhatyou
needtoknowforeverystepofaconversation,fromintroductionstobody
languagetoendingtheconversationgracefully.
ConvinceYourselfYouWanttoGo
Thefirststepistochoosetobethere.Ifit’stheworkplace,youareallowedto
feelambiguousaboutyourdecisionsomemornings,buttomakeagood
impression—atwork,atameeting,ataparty,oratanykindofgathering—go
withapositiveattitude.
Positivepeoplecantakeonthe

world.
—RICKPITINO
Ifyouhatebeingsomeplace,youcanimaginethatyourconversationwill
notbescintillating.Soeithertakeyourhappyfacewithyouorstayhome.If
youareattendingsomethingunwillinglybecauseofworkorfamily
obligations,rememberthatagoodattitudeandabadattitudearesimply
differentwaysoflookingatthesamesituation.Yourchoice.


HaveSomethingtoSay
Don’tleavehomewithoutit:somethingtosay.Chancesareyoureadadaily
newspaper,perhapsaweeklynewsmagazine,and,ifyoubelongtothat
particular53%oftheU.S.population,abooknowandthen.Collectfodderfor
conversationfromtheradio,friends,sermons,lectures,publictelevision,
eavesdroppingonthesubway,orwaitinginlineatthegrocerystore.Keeping
upwithcurrenteventsandpopularcultureensuresyou’llneverbecaughtshort
intheconversationsweepstakes.
Youwon’t,ofcourse,baldlydropwhateveryouknowintothe
conversation.Whenyoufeeltheneedtobreakasilence,startwithaquestion:
“Didyouseethearticleinthismorning’spaperabout.…?”“Hasanyoneread
StephenKing’slatest?”Ifthereisnointerestinyourgambit,trysomething
elseorhopeanotherpersoninthegrouphasbeendoingtheirhomework.
Youmightkeepalistofconversationtopics—activitiesthatinterestyou,
questions,ideas—andreviewthembeforeleavingforasocialorbusiness
event.Youmightnotneedthem,butyou’llfeelbetterknowingyoucanhold
yourownifyouhaveto.
Ifyoucan,findoutalittleaboutthosewhowillbeattendingtheevent.That
informationplusthreeorfourconversationaltidbitsshouldseeyouthrough
almostanysituation.Butdon’teventhinkaboutrehearsingpossible
“conversations.”Theirregularnatureofmostconversationsmakesthem

unpredictable,andyou’lllookstiltedbesides.
TakeYourBestSelfWithYou
Thesinglemostimportantelementinbeingthekindofpersoneveryonewants
totalkwithis…confidence.Youwanttowalkintoaroom,comfortableinthe
knowledgethatyouarehappytobethere,thatyou’relookingforwardto
meetingsomeinterestingpeople,andthatyoucanhandlewhatever
conversationalchallengescomeyourway.
Expecttobelikedandaccepted.Takeforgrantedthatpeoplewillbehappy
toseeyou.Andwhat’snottolike?Youwereinvited,you’repartofthisgroup,
you’reagoodperson.
Thethreeprinciplesbehindlooking,acting,andbeingconfidentare:
1.Peoplewilltakeyouatyourownevaluation.Yourattitudesabout
yourselfbouncebacktoyoufromotherpeople.Ifyouthinkyouhave
nosocialskills,otherpeoplewilleventuallycometoagreewithyou.If


youthinkyouhavenothingtosay,youcertainlywillhavenothingto
say,andpeoplewillstartseeingyouassomeonewhohasnothingto
say.Ifyouthinkyouareanobody,youarepracticallyaskingpeopleto
treatyouthatway.Ontheotherhand,ifyouthinkofyourselfasakind,
intelligent,charmingperson,that’sthewayyou’llbeperceived.
People,informingtheiropinionsof
others,areusuallylazyenoughtogo
bywhateverismostobviousor
whateverchanceremarktheyhappen
tohear.Sothebestpolicyisto
dictatetootherstheopinionyou
wantthemtohaveofyou.
—JUDITHMARTIN
2.Peoplewillcatchandmirroryouremotionalstates.Ifyouare

enthusiastic,theywillbetoo;ifyouarebored,theywillalsobebored.
3.Peopletendtobehavethewayyouthinktheywillbehave.Ifyouthink
peoplearecoldandsnooty,theywillprobablyendupactingthatwayto
you.Ifyouthinktheylookdownonyou,ultimatelytheyprobablywill.
Butifyouthinkpeopleareinteresting,warm,andfunny,theywillnot
makealiarofyou.Ifyouexpectpeopletoacceptyou,theywill.
Peoplewillknowifyourattitudeisdefensiveandinsecure,orifitis
relaxedandopen.Theymightnotthinkitthrough,butatsomelevel,whatever
youthink,feel,andprojectwillbepickedupbyothersandreturnedtoyou.
Allpowerisbasedonperception.If
youthinkyou’vegotit,thenyou’ve
gotit.Ifyouthinkyoudon’thaveit,
evenifyouhaveit,thenyoudon’t
haveit.
—HERBCOHEN


Becausetheaimofsmalltalkistomakepeoplecomfortableandtoput
themattheirease,aself-conscious,tense,nervousconversationalistisgoing
tobesociallyinadequate.
Youhavedoubts.Bysomemagic,youareexpectedtogofromasocial
shipwrecktoaconversationalQueenMary?
Themagicisto“actasif.”Actasifyouarebraveandconfident.Actasif
othersarehappytoseeyou.You’vegottobelieve—oratleastactasthough
youbelieve—thattheotherpersonisgoingtoenjoyspendingafewminutes
withyou.
Itmightfeelartificialatfirst,butthemoreyou“actasif,”themorethenew
behaviorswillbegintofeelcomfortable.Keepremindingyourselfthatthevast
majorityofanygroupiskind,wellmannered,andwillingtogiveanyonea
chance.Evenasecondchance.

Feelfreetobethinking,“Help!I’mafishoutofwater!I’mgoingtodie.I
don’tknowwhattosay!I’mboring!Nobodyisinterestedinme!I’mgoingto
spillsomething!They’regoingtodiscoverI’mafraud!”Thinkanythingyou
like—butstandupstraight,smile,shakehands,andcalmlyandcharminglysay,
“It’sapleasuretomeetyou.”
Rememberthis:Youarenoteveryone’scupoftea.It’ssimplynotpossible
thateveryindividualatagatheringwillwanttomarryyou,beyourbestfriend,
orshareanofficewithyou.Whatwouldyoudowiththatmanypeopleinyour
lifeanyway?Somostpeopleyouspeakwithwillprovidelow-key,pleasant
conversation,butyoudon’tneedtobea“hit”witheveryone.Youdonotneed
tobeperfect.Thedesireforperfection,fordoingthingsabsolutely“right,”
hasbeenthedownfallofmanyagoodconversationalist.Relax.Intheend,this
orthatsmallconversationdoesn’tmatterinthelargeschemeofthings.
Nothingismoreessentialtosuccess
inanyareaofyourlifethanthe
abilitytocommunicatewell.
—PAULW.SWETS
You’llbemorepopular,andthusprobablyhappier,ifyouconcentrateon
makingtheotherpersonfeelgood.Youcan’tmakeanyonelikeyou,butit’sin
yourpowertoshowlikingforothers.


CheckOutYourBodyLanguage
Fromthemomentyouwalkinthedoor,yourbodyisbusytellingpeopleall
aboutyou.
Whatwouldyouthinkaboutsomeonewhorushedintoagathering,looking
harriedandslightlysweaty?Orsomeonewhoslouchedinfurtively,hopingnot
tobenoticed?Orsomeonewhohad“apologetic”writtenalloverthem,from
hunchedshoulderstopuppy-dogeyes?Youprobablywouldn’tbeanxiousto
talkwiththatperson.Thinkabouttheimageyouwanttoproject.Shouldn’titbe

oneofconfidence?
Posture
Withanyluck,youalreadyhavegoodposture.It’sdistractingtobetryingto
conversewithpeoplewhilesimultaneouslyhissingtoyourself,“Standup
straight!”“Shouldersback!”“Stomachin!”Ifyourpostureneedswork,work
onitbeforeandafter,notduring,eventsthatcallforconversation.Selfconsciousnesswillpreventyoufrombeingtheinterestingpersonyoucanbe.
Movementneverlies.
—MARTHAGRAHAM
Thepersonwhostandstall—butnotstiffly—andmovesinacalm,
purposefulwayautomaticallycommandsrespect.Fromthemomentyouenter
aroomwithdignityandeasyconfidence,youtellpeopleyouaresomeone
whomatters—toyourselfandtothem.
Goodpostureincludesthewayyouholdyourhead.Studythewaypeople
inyourlifecarrytheirheadsandseewhatyouthinkofthedifferences.
Ingeneral,keepyourheadlevel(themetaphor“levelhead”didnotspring
fromnowhere).Alevelheadindicatesanassured,candid,capablenature.It
mightalsogiveyourvoicefullertonesandmakeyouseemtobelooking
peoplestraightintheeye.
Abowedhead,eyesstudyingthefloor,makesyoulookunsure,vulnerable,
passive,andpossiblyevenguiltyofsomething.
Tiltingyourheadtoonesideortheother(mostpeopletilttotheright),
mayshowcuriosityandinterest.Butitmayalsoindicateunease,helplessness,
dependence,orbewilderment.


FidgetingandGestures
Somebodylanguageisdifficulttocontrol:
Blushing
Contractionoffacialmuscles
Involuntarygrimaces

Rapidblinking
Workingonyourself-confidenceandyourcomfortlevelistheonlycure
forthesetypesofreflexes.Theywilldisappearwhenyoubegintoseeyourself
asanableandresourcefulconversationalist.
Otherbodylanguagecanbecontrolledwithpractice:
Adjustingyoureyeglasses
Clearingyourthroatconstantly
Crossingyourarmstightlyoveryourchest
Fiddlingwithapen,purse,orotherobject
Fidgeting
Fingeringringsorjewelry
Foldingandunfoldingyourarms
Giggling
Glancingcontinuallyatyourwatch
Hitchingupyourbelt
Laughingnervouslyortooloudly
Lookingaroundtheroom
Makingdistractinggestures
Pickinglintfromyourclothes
Playingwithyourtie
Pocketingyourhands
Pushingback,flipping,smoothing,orfluffingyourhair
Rockingonyourfeet,side-to-side,orforwardsandbackwards
Scratchingyourheadorchin
Slouchingorleaning
Smoothingyourclothing


Tuckinginbraorslipstraps
Tuggingatshirtcuffs

Twistingamustache
IneverlookatmywatchifI’m
talkingwithsomeone.Ithinkthat’s
suchaninsultinggesture!Itsuggests
you’retryingtogaugewhetheryou
thinkwhatthey’resayingisworth
yourtime.
—FRANCESHESSELBEIN
Thefirststepistobeawareofwhatyou’redoing;mostofthesebehaviors
belongtopeoplewhohavenoideathey’refidgeting.Repetitiveandpointless
gesturesspringfromnervousnessandinsecurity.Onceyoubegingaining
confidenceinyourskillsandpopularityasaconversationalist,itwillbefairly
easytoweedthemout.
Anunnervingtraitinaconversationalpartnerisdistractibility.Don’tlet
yourattentionwanderfromtheotherpersontotheloudlydressedindividual
acrosstheroomortheinexplicablechoiceofartonthewallsortheentrance
ofnewcomersortheconversationgoingonnexttoyou.Ignoreeverythingbut
thepeoplewithwhomyou’reconversing.
Otherbodylanguagetobeavoidedincludes:
Shaking,wavingfromsidetoside,orpointingyourforefingeratanother
person(thisisanincrediblyaggressiveandunwelcomegesture—there
areotherwaystopunctuateyourremarks).
Standingtoocloselytosomeone.Thepreferenceforpersonalspace
varies,butitisimportanttosomepeople.Thebestwaytohandlethisis
tokeepyourdistance;lettheotherpersonmovetowardyou.Thisis
psychologicallyagoodstrategy,bothinshowingrespecttotheother
personandintheotherpersondemonstratingtheir“attraction”toyouby
movingcloser.
Inmoderation,gesturesareappreciatedaslongastheyarenotalwaysthe
samegesture.Aftercheckingthelistaboveforthefidgetingkindsofgestures,

useanyothersthatfeelnaturaltoyou.
Ifyoutraveltoothercountries,familiarizeyourselfwiththesocialand
businesscustomsthere.Forexample,intheUnitedStatesthe“okay”sign(the
Owithforefingerandthumb)meansmoneyinJapan,andinItalyandLatin
Americacanbeinsulting.Pattingachildontheheadisconsideredabenign,
evencharminggestureinmanycountries;inIslamiccountriesitmustbe
strictlyavoidedbecausetheheadistheholiestpartofthebodyandnottobe
touched.Anumberofbooks,includingseveralgoodseries,detailcultural
issuesforvisitorstoothercountries.
“Beyourself”isgoodadvice,unless
younoticethatpeoplearealways
excusingthemselvesandmoving
awayfromyou.Inthatcase,try
beingsomeoneelse!
—SUSAN ROANE
Smile!
Allthatsaid,youmightbewonderingwhatphysicalmovementsarelefttoyou.
Thebestonesareagoodsmileandanoccasional,meaningfulnod.Senseless
andtoo-frequentnoddingistheoppositeoftheinfrequent,thoughtfulnod,
whichtellspeopleyouareinvolvedinwhatthey’resaying.
Butthesmile—oh,thesmilewillworkmiracles.Itisthemostimportant
bodylanguageofall,signalingthatyouareaffable,comfortableinyourskin,
andreceptivetowhoevertheotherpersonmightbe.Thetendencyofthe
humanbeingistoreflecttheemotiontheotherpersondisplays.Ifyousmile,
chancesareverygoodtheotherpersonwillsmileback.
Toppeoplesmilemorefrequently
thanpeopleonanyotherrungofthe
careerladder—andnotjustbecause

theymakemoremoney.
—D.A.BENTON
Insomepeople,thesmileisalmostaninvoluntarytic.Theysmile


regardlessofthecontentofwhatthey’resaying.However,ifthisisyou,before
youstarttryingtofixit,rememberthattherearelotsworsethingswecansee
onpeople’sfacesthanasmile.
Theremustbesomesmilesthatarenotdesirable—theinsinceresmile,the
strainedsmile—butanyonetryingtosmileforwhateverreasonshouldbe
givenachancetocomeupwitharealsmile.Anysmileisprobablyagood
smile.
Introductions
Althoughtherearerulesforintroducingonepersontoanother,don’tworryif
theysuddenlyflyoutofyourhead.Insteadofbeingseizedwithhorrorand
tryingtorememberwhatyou“ought”todo,simplytrustyourself,treatboth
peoplewithlikingandrespect,andfigureoutawayforeachofthemtoknow
theother ’sname.Itisn’tmuchmorecomplicatedthanthat.
Tointroducetwopeople:(1)givetheirfullnamesand(2)addan
impersonalidentifyingtagsuchas:
“Adearfriendofmine”
“Mybusinesspartner”
“Myneighborinthenextcondo”
“MynieceSusan”
“Thenewarchitectwithourcompany”
Byaddingatagline,yougivethetwopeopleaplacetobegina
conversation(“Howlonghaveyoulivedinthisbuilding?”“Doyoulivein
town,orareyouvisiting?”).Donotattachembarrassingorexcessivetags(“I
usedtochangehisdiaperswhenhewaslittle”;“She’sthebestpumpkin-pie
makerinthecountrytoday”).Ifyouknowthatthetwopeoplehavesomething

incommon(theybothrecentlytraveledtoPeru;theybothcollect
paperweights;theybothknowyourbrother),mentionit.
Thepartofintroductionsthatgenerallyisachallengeisdeciding
(quickly)whogetsintroducedtowhom.Theformulais:
“Mother,I’dlikeyoutomeetLittleJackHorner.”
“Jack,thisismymother,ImaGoose.”
Althoughwethinkwe’reanegalitariansociety,onepersonisusually
rankedalittlemorehighlythantheother.Thatpersongetstofindoutfirstwho


theotherpersonis.Thehigher-rankedpersonisontheleft:

Forthefirstperson,usethenameyouareaccustomedtousing.Ifyou
introduceyourbosstosomeone,dependingonyourplaceintheorganization,
youmightsay,“Ms.George,I’dlikeyoutomeetmywife,JuneOlson.”Each
introductionisalittledifferentfromeveryotherone.However,thesamples
belowdemonstrateinageneralwayhoweffectiveintroductionswork:
Courtesyisthebedrockofsocial
interchange.
—JOAN M.DRURY
“Anna,doyouknowBobLorimer?Ah,good,thenIgettointroduce
you.BobisatranslatorwithPelhamOil.Bob,thisisAnnaPierson,
alsoatranslator,butwithGuest&Company.”
“Dad,I’dlikeyoutomeetafriendofmine,JoniKessell.Joni,thisismy
father,ArnoldDombey.Yes,thegeologyprofessorhimself!Dad,
Joniismajoringingeologyandshe’salwayswantedtomeetyou.”
“Eden,you’veheardmetalkaboutFarleyNovak.Farley,thisismy
goodfriendandcolleagueEdenMurchison.Ibelieveyoubothwent
toYale,butatdifferenttimes.”
“Inormallyhesitatetointroducetwoofmyfriendstoeachother

becausetoooftenitdoesn’tseemtoworkout,butIthinkthisisa
specialcase.Chris,I’dlikeyoutomeetDanaCasserly.Dana,thisis
ChrisDeadham,andthereasonIthoughtyou’denjoymeetingisthat
youaretheonlytwopeopleIknowwhobothspeakFarsi!”
“Irene,haveyoumetFrankCooper?He’smyassistant,withoutwhomI


couldn’texist.Frank,thisisIreneMaundrell,ourManhattanRegional
Director.”
“Maria,I’dliketointroduceyoutoEthelOrmiston,whoisourvery
favoriterealtor.Ethel,thisisMariaGauss.Sheandherhusband
Eugenearegoingtoputtheirhomeonthemarketsoon.”
“Millicent,thisisHannahVorbrüggen,anexchangestudentfrom
Germany.Hannah,I’dlikeyoutomeetmysister-in-law,Millicent
Cassine.TheirchildrenaretakingGermanandMillicentwas
wonderingifyou’dhaveanysparetimefortutoring.”
“Someonejusttoldmeyou’remakingadocumentaryonDeafculture
and,assomeonewhohasbeenwishingforjustsuchadocumentary,
I’dliketointroducemyself.MynameisDavidHerries.”
Althoughyoucanjustbeginspeakingwithsomeonewithoutactually
introducingyourselvestoeachother,it’sprobablynotagoodidea.By
thetimeyou’rewellintoawarm,friendlyconversationit’sawkwardto
havetosay,“Um,whatwasyourname?”
Afterbeingintroduced,usetheotherperson’stitle(“Dr.Schneider”)or
honorificpluslastname(“Ms.Arnault”)untiltheysuggestyoucallthem
bytheirfirstname,especiallyiftheyareprofessors,doctors,bosses,or
olderindividuals.Donotusenicknamesifthepersondoesn’tuseit;
CharlesisnotChuckandElizabethisnotLizzieunlessyou’reso
informed.Becareful,too,tousepeople’snamesinparallelfashion.It’s
verytellingifyou’renewlyintroducedandyouaddressoneofyournew

acquaintancesbytheirfirstnameandtheotherbytheirtitle.
Inapinch,youcangetpeopletointroducethemselvestoeachother.
Indicatetheoneyouknow,evenifonlybyfirstname,andsay,“Thisis
Gene.”Theotherpersonwillreflexivelygivetheirname,andGenewill
generallysupplyalastnametoroundthingsout.Thisisnota
particularlysuavemove,but‘twillservesometimes.
Immediatelyafterbeingintroduced,jottheotherperson’snameinyour
mentalRolodex.Trytoassociatethenameandfaceinsomeway,oruse
theperson’snameseveraltimesduringtheconversationuntilyouthink
you’vegotit.Somepeoplecollectbusinesscards;athometheyjotnotes
onthecardssothattheycanrecallthepersonlater.
Unfortunately,manypeoplerunintosomeoneanhourortwolaterat
thesameconferenceorpartyand,oops!Thenameiscompletelygone.


SeeChapter7forsomeideasifyouforgetaname.
Ifyou’resittingwhensomeoneapproachesyouwithanotherpersonin
tow,standupfortheintroductionthat’scoming;bothwomenandmendo
this.
Notethatwhenusedforintroductions,thequestion“Howdoyoudo?”is
notactuallyaquestion.Itisaritualgreeting,towhichtheresponse
(sometimesdeliveredsimultaneously)is“Howdoyoudo?”Inavariant
ofthis,sometimesyou’llseeonepersonsaying,“Howareyou?”The
otherpersonresponds,“Verywell,thankyou.Andyou?”Again,itis
simplyaformulatoeaseyouthroughtheintroduction.
Thebiggestno-noinintroductionsistoapproachsomeoneandsay,“Do
yourememberme?”
Whenseeingsomeoneyou’vemetbeforebutknowonlysuperficially,
extendyourhandandremindthemofyourname:“Hello,Ken.Mario
DiNardo.Nicetoseeyouagain.”Thisallowstheotherpersontosay

graciouslyifperhapsnottruthfully,“Mario!Iknowwhoyouare!”Itis
charmingforyoutoassumethatyouaren’tsofamousthateveryone
knowswhoyouare.
Whyisitthatthepersonwhoneeds
nointroductionusuallygetsthe
longestone?
—MARCELENECOX
Iftheotherpersondoesn’tofferaname,youcanalwaysintroduce
yourself:
“Hello,I’mFrancineBeauchamp.I’minaccountingonthethirdfloor.”
“Hello,I’mRolandBemrick,anoldclassmateofourhost.”
“Hello,I’mSheilaToryandthisismyfirstmeeting.Haveyoubeena
memberverylong?”
“MayIintroducemyself?I’mJanetAhlinandI’vejustmovedindown
thestreet.Ibelieveyouliveintheneighborhoodtoo.”
ShakingHands


Fewpeopleneedlessonsinhowtoshakehands,butinorderforyoutofeel
absolutelyconfidentaboutthispreconversationalgesture,herearethe
guidelines:
Approachtheotherpersonwithhandalreadyextended.
Lookthemintheeye,andsmileslightly.Trytomakeyourlooksay,“Ah,
youareaninterestinglookingperson!”
Grasphands,palmtopalm,firmlybutnottightly.Rememberthat
otherwisehealthy-lookingindividualsmighthavepainfularthritisin
theirhands;othersmightbewearingringsthatatoo-vigoroushandshake
willdriveintotheirskin.Trytomatchthegripoftheotherperson.They
will,inturn,betryingtomatchtheirstoyours.Insomemysteriousway
youwillusuallyarriveatahandshakesatisfactorytoall.

Insomecountries,ahandshakeisabriskupanddown,aone-two
maneuver.Inothercountries,oneperson’slefthandisplacedatopthe
twoclaspedhandstoconveyadditionalwarmth.IntheUnitedStates,
peoplesometimescontinueshakinghandsforseveralseconds.Inthe
caseofapersononehaslongwantedtoknow,thehandshakeis
prolonged,andtheuseoftheotherhandisbroughtintoplay.Themost
generaladvicewouldbetoadaptyourselftotheotherperson’smanner
unlessyouhavestrongfeelingsofyourownaboutmakingthe
handshakeaspecialone.
Whileyouareshakinghands,youwillbelookingattheotherperson’s
eyesandsayingyourintroductoryline(forexample,“I’mdelightedto
meetyouatlast”).
InmostareasoftheUnitedStates,womenandmenapproachhandshakes
inexactlythesamemanner.Insomeplaces,womenextendtheirhands
firstsothattheotherpersonknowsahandshakeiswelcome(thismight
bearemnantofthedaysinwhichwomenwerenotonanequalsocial
footingwithmen).
BasicConversationalPrinciples
Youhaveprobablycomeupwithsomegoodconversationalprinciples
yourself,eventhoughyoumightneverhavespelledthemout.Whateverworks,
works.However,ifyou’relookingtofine-tuneyourskills,seeifanything
belowresonateswithyou.
Thegoalofthefirstfewminutesofanyconversationwithsomeoneyou