Technology allows food to be produced in greater quantities and at the lower prices

IELTS Nam Đỗ
Địa Chỉ: 74 DX 70, Kp 5, Phường Định Hòa, Tp TDM, Bình Dương
Blog: Dohoangnam.com | SĐT: 0963 470 110 | Facebook.com/mr.dohoangnam

Technology allows food to be produced in greater quantities and at the lower prices. Some
people believe this is a positive development, while others feel that the change is harmful.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Original answer
Nowadays the food industry offers a larger amount of nutriment than in the past decades. Not only
the offer is more spread but also so price have been decreasing more and more. In this essay I will
discuss on one side about the positive aspects of this change state and on the other side I will focus
on the negative points of this development before expressing my opinion.
To begin with, we can observe that thanks to the food industry, which has been investing money
to search solutions to optimize the yield of the foodstuff, the population have a better access to the
food market. In some countries, where the nutriments were extremely basic, today people can cook
with a large number of nutriments than in the last decades. Indeed, this means an healthier diet
with more diversity and during all the year. Moreover, if a part of the population has allergies, she
will access to a large panel of products to replace the problematic one.
Whereas, this huge improvement present some negative aspects. Firstly, the food development
causes impacts on the environmental building. Forest, which are vital for the nature balance have
been destroyed to grow up some corn. For instance, in Brazil they cut the forest to obtain some
palm oil. Besides, in some cases, pesticides are used to gain more productivity without measuring
the consequence on the one hand of the human view and on the other hand of the biodiversity. For
example, some pesticides can produce heavy damage on the health of the farmer and cause cancers,
as survey have proved. Also, they produce undue collateral effects on plants in the neighbourhood.
To sum up, technology is not black or white. After weighing the cons andpros of this evolution I
have to admit that large progress have been achieved for the food access and the price. However
we need rules and laws to ensure a sustainable development to prevent environmental damages
and global health problem due to the pesticides and the food market.
(337 words)

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IELTS Nam Đỗ
Địa Chỉ: 74 DX 70, Kp 5, Phường Định Hòa, Tp TDM, Bình Dương
Blog: Dohoangnam.com | SĐT: 0963 470 110 | Facebook.com/mr.dohoangnam

Corrected answer
Nowadays the food industry offers a larger amount of nutriment than in the past decades. Not only
the offer is more spread but also so price have been decreasing more and more. In this essay I will

Commented [DN1]: first of the

discuss on one side about the positive aspects of this change state and on the other side I will focus

Commented [DN2]: widespread
Commented [DN3]: the

on the negative points of this development before expressing my opinion.

Commented [DN4]: has

To begin with, we can observe that thanks to the food industry, which has been investing money
to search solutions to optimize the yield of the foodstuff, the population have a better access to the

Commented [DN5]: for

food market. In some countries, where the nutriments were extremely basic, today people can cook
with a large number of nutriments than in the last decades. Indeed, this means an healthier diet

Commented [DN6]: a

with more diversity and during all the year. Moreover, if a part of the population has allergies, she

Commented [DN7]: of

will access to a large panel of products to replace the problematic one. [This focuses on a wider

Commented [DN8]: they

variety of food that's not exactly suggested on the topic it's talking more about quantities of food
rather than varieties. In addition you haven't addressed price which is mentioned in the topic.

Commented [DN9]: have
Commented [DN10]: range

Whereas, this huge improvement present some negative aspects. Firstly, the food development

Commented [DN11]: However

causes impacts on the environmental building. Forests, which are vital for the nature balance have

Commented [DN12]: environment

been destroyed to grow up some corn. For instance, in Brazil they cut the forest to obtain some

Commented [DN13]: balance of

palm oil. Besides, in some cases, pesticides are used to gain more productivity without measuring

Commented [DN14]: down a lot of

the consequence on the one hand of the human view and on the other hand of the biodiversity. For

Commented [DN15]: humans

example, some pesticides can produce heavy damage on the health of the farmer [better here to

Commented [DN16]: of theplanet

talk about the negative influence on people who eat the food] and cause cancers, as survey have
proved. Also, they produce undue collateral effects on plants in the neighbourhood.
To sum up, technology is not black or white. After weighing the cons andpros of this evolution I

Commented [DN17]: the influence of technology

have to admit that large progress have been achieved for the food access and the price. However

Commented [DN18]: situation

we need rules and laws to ensure a sustainable development to prevent environmental damages

Commented [DN19]: believe
Commented [DN20]: has

and global health problem due to the pesticides and the food market.

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IELTS Nam Đỗ
Địa Chỉ: 74 DX 70, Kp 5, Phường Định Hòa, Tp TDM, Bình Dương
Blog: Dohoangnam.com | SĐT: 0963 470 110 | Facebook.com/mr.dohoangnam

Estimated
Grade
Task
response

6

Câu hỏi của bài là “DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS + YOUR OPINION”.
Có nghĩa là các bạn phải viết 2 vế dưới đây.
“Some people believe this is a positive development, while
others feel that the change is harmful”
Tuy nhiên, còn 1 vấn đề nữa bạn cần phải nói là đó là phần đầu của
câu hỏi bạn phải cover luôn nếu muốn trả lời full câu hỏi.
“Technology allows food to be produced in greater quantities
and at the lower prices”
Nếu viết, mình sẽ có dàn bài như thế này:
Body 1 – positive


Idea 1 – greater quantities => giúp giải quyết tình trạng thiếu
lương thực ở nhiều nước.



Idea 2 – at the lower prices => giúp có bửa ăn chất lượng hơn,
đặc biệt là người nghèo.

Body 2 – negative


Idea 1 – greater quantities => harm the nature, chặt cây, tăng
farming



Idea 2 – lower prices => may relate to low quality

Trong bài viết ở trên, tác giả highlight lên phần DISADVANTAGES
và OPINION khá tốt, tuy nhiên phần ADVANTAGES lại thiếu mất
Idea lower prices. Vì thế điểm sẽ bị giảm xuống mức 6.0

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IELTS Nam Đỗ
Địa Chỉ: 74 DX 70, Kp 5, Phường Định Hòa, Tp TDM, Bình Dương
Blog: Dohoangnam.com | SĐT: 0963 470 110 | Facebook.com/mr.dohoangnam

Cohesion

6

Bạn có structure rõ rang, chia các paragraphs ra thành INTRO,

and

BODIES và CONCLU, như vậy sẽ giúp người đọc dễ dàng bám sát

coherence

bài hơn.
Tuy nhiên, có quá nhiều cụm từ gây confused cho người đọc. Bạn nên
bỏ hẳng những từ này:


In this essay I will discuss on one side about the positive
aspects of this change state and on the other side I will focus
on the negative points of this development before expressing
my opinion.



Besides, in some cases, pesticides are used to gain more
productivity without measuring the consequence on the one
hand of the human view and on the other hand of the
biodiversity.



Whereas, this huge improvement present

Mình thường viết dạng này câu là “This essay will discuss both sides
of the argument and then, state my opinion that I strongly agree with
the first viewpoint” câu này rất rõ rang, và sẽ giúp bạn đạt điểm tuyệt
đối trong việc HIGHLIGHT những cái bạn sẽ viết và cho người đọc
biết OPINION của bạn.

Vocabular
y

6

Đây là lỗi rất phổ biến trong việc học viết essay, các bạn thường form
những câu vô nghĩa bằng cách tự ghép theo cách hiểu của Vietnamese
sang, và dĩ nhiên là “lành ít dữ nhiều”. Đễ fix lỗi này mình khuyên các
bạn hãy siêng đọc essays mẫu, lấy câu cú và phrases trong đó và áp
dụng trong bài mình, chứ đừng tự make up câu, từ mới.


Not only the offer first of the is more spread widespread but
also so the price have has been decreasing more and more.



Access to a large panel range of products to replace the
problematic one.
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IELTS Nam Đỗ
Địa Chỉ: 74 DX 70, Kp 5, Phường Định Hòa, Tp TDM, Bình Dương
Blog: Dohoangnam.com | SĐT: 0963 470 110 | Facebook.com/mr.dohoangnam



consequence on the human view humans



After weighing the cons and pros of this evolution situation I
have to admit believe that

Grammar

5-6

Lỗi grammar quá nhiều trong bài viết. tác giả đã cố gắng sử dụng
những câu phức, và đa dạng cấu trúc câu, tuy nhiên dung nhiều không
có nghỉa là dung đúng. Mọi người có thể thấy những điểm ngữ pháp
dơn giản như A/ AN cũng sai nhiều.


but also so the price have has been decreasing more and more.
Indeed, this means an a healthier diet with more diversity and
during all of the year.



Moreover, if a part of the population has allergies, she they will
have access to a large



panel range of products to replace the problematic one.



Indeed, this means an a healthier diet with more diversity and
during all of the year.



Moreover, if a part of the population has allergies, she they will
have access to a large range of products to replace the
problematic one.

Overall

5.5 – 6.0 Bài viết khá ổn trong IDEAS, và STRUCTURE, tuy nhiên về phần
VOCABULARY và GRAMMAR thì quá nhiều lỗi sai.

.

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