ConversationallySpeaking:
WHATtoSay,WHENtoSayIt,andHOWto
NeverRunOutofThingstoSay
ByPatrickKing
DatingandSocialSkillsCoach
www.PatrickKingConsulting.com
Asashowofappreciationtomyreaders,I’veputtogetheraFREE
TRAININGVIDEO(justenteryouremailaddress)describingtheBEST
exerciseforimmediatesocialandromanticconfidence.Clickovertowatch
itnow!
TableofContents
CONVERSATIONALLYSPEAKING:WHATTOSAY,WHENTOSAYIT,ANDHOWTONEVERRUNOUTOFTHINGS
TOSAY
TABLEOFCONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
1.MASTERCONVERSATION;RELATIONSHIPS.
2.EVERYONELIKESAVERBALMIRROR.
3.ICEBREAKING,MELTINGGLACIERS,ANDSTARTINGACONVERSATION.
4.COMMONQUESTIONSANDUNCOMMON,BETTERANSWERS.
5.EFFECTIVELISTENINGINTHREESTEPS.
6.BUILDINGABULLETPROOFFIRSTIMPRESSION.
7.TELLSTORIESLIKEHOMERANDAESOPCOMBINED.
8.MAKINGSAFETOPICSINTOFAILSAFECONVERSATIONS.
9.AVOIDAWKWARDANDUNCOMFORTABLESILENCES.
10.BODILYSPEAKING.
11.SOCIALCUESSAYMORETHANYOURWORDS.
12.EXITINGCONVERSATIONSWITHGRACE.
13.CONVERSATIONKILLERS.
14.IT’SANINTROVERT’SPARTYTOO.
15.CONFRONTINGWITHOUTCONFRONTATION.
16.LISTENTOOPENTHEMUP.
17.DIGITALLYSPEAKING.
18.A21-DAYCONVERSATIONBOOTCAMPPLAN.
19.HUMOR101.
CONCLUSION
CHEATSHEET
Introduction
I’vebeenfortunatetohavebeenexposedtoawiderangeofpeoplethatIwouldconsiderrolemodels.
Ihavemanyofthetypicalonesthatotherentrepreneursandauthorsdo,buthere’sanunconventionalone
thatmightthrowyouforacurve.
HenryKissinger.
First,somebackground.
HenryKissingerisprimarilyknownasanAmericandiplomatwhoservedunderPresidentsRichard
NixonandGeraldFord.HewenttoHarvard,andcurrentlyrunsKissingerAssociates,aconsultingfirm
thatbrokersinternationalnegotiationsanddealings.
SobesidestoanaspiringSenator,whyexactlyisherolemodel-worthy?
Well,hislistofaccomplishmentshasliterallychangedthecourseofhistory.Let’stakealook.
IntroduceapolicycalleddétentebetweentheUnitedStatesandtheformerSovietUnionattheheightof
theColdWar,whichmanyhistoriansconsiderthebeginningoftheendoftheColdWarandmutualrising
nuclearthreat?Check.
InstitutetalksbetweentheUnitedStatesandcommunistChinawhicheventuallyledtotherecognition
andformalizationofrelationsbetweentwonations,ending23yearsofpoorrelations?Check.
Oh,andnegotiatetheParisPeaceAccordstoestablishpeaceandenddirectUnitedStatesmilitary
involvementinVietnam?Check.
Hisbodyofworkspeaksforitself,butit’sreallythemannerandmethodthroughwhichheaccomplished
thesefeatsthatmakeshimahugerolemodelforme.
Athismostbasiclevel,HenryKissingerwasamastercommunicator,negotiator,andpeopleperson.
Thisishowhewasabletobringquarrelingcountriestogethernolessthanthreeseparatetimesinhistory,
andsaveliterallymillionsoflives.
Hewasabletotalkinwaysthatpeoplewouldlistenandseethebenefitofhiswords.Heknewjusthow
toappealtopeople’sdifferingmotivationsandintentionstoworkoutanunderstandingthatnevercould
havedevelopedotherwise.Hebrokepoliticalstandstillsandbridgedideologicalandphilosophical
differencesinwaysthatbothsparedandendedgreatconflicts.Hedeeplyunderstoodhowtobend
people’spositionstoembracerealityandcompromise.
Finally,hejustmadethingshappenthroughsheerskillandwill.
Canyouimaginehavingthatmuchsocialgracethatyoucanliterallybendthefateofnationswithyour
conversations?Meneither,butthatdoesn’tmeanit’snotaworthygoaltostrivefor.
It’sclearwhatthepowerofsimpleconversationcando–ifitcanshapehistory,justimaginehowmuch
moreenrichingitcanhelpourpersonallivesbe?
Conversationisthebedrockofanyrelationship,andit’sexactlyhowandwhyyouhavebondedwith
everypersoninyourclosestsocialcircles.Theremayhavebeensomecircumstantialluckinvolvedfrom
timetotime,butmyhopeisthatthroughtheprinciplesinthisbook,youwillbeabletostrikeupa
conversationwithanyoneatanytime,withnothingcircumstantialrequiredatall.
You’llunderstandhowandwhyaconversationplaysoutthewayitdoes,andseeitforthescienceof
patternrecognitionthatitreallyis.
Icoverallphasesofatypicalconversationfromicebreakingtoleavingonahighnote,andnearlyevery
partinbetween–notjustWHATtosay,WHENtosayit,andHOWtoneverrunoutofthingstosay…
butWHYeverythingworksthewayitdoes.
You’lluncoveradeepunderstandingofsocialmechanicsthatwillmakeyou,conversationallyspeaking,
preparedforanything.
WemightnotbeabletoreunitetheKoreas,butwecandefinitelymakeadifferenceinhowfulfilledwe
areonadailybasis.
1.Masterconversation;relationships.
Whatareyourgoalsinlife?Tooheavytostartwith?
Okay,sowhatareyourgoalsforthenextweek?Isitwork-related,hobby-related,orjustsocialin
nature?
Whateveryouendupansweringisnottheimportantpart–theimportantpartistherealizationthat
conversationandsmalltalkisgoingtobeintegraltoaccomplishingit.
Ourworldisnotruledbystrictrequirementsandobjectivity,despitewhatwemightliketobelieve.We
don’tliveinanythingremotelyresemblingameritocracy,andtherelationshipsyouareabletocultivate
arereallywhatpropelyouforwardinthislife.
Thus,there’salogicalthreadherethatIfeelobligatedtospellout.
Successrequiresasmanystrongrelationshipsasyoucancreate,andrelationshipsaremadestrong
byconversationthatdelvesdeepandallowstwopeopletoactuallyconnect.
Atitsbest,itallowspeopletodropallpretense,becomevulnerable,andrelatetoeachotherinwaysthey
neverthoughtpossible.Thisengenderslove,friends,business,andaccomplishments.
Beyondthebenefitsthatbecomingastrongconversationalistwillgiveyou,it’sjustanecessity.Youjust
can’tavoidsocialandinterpersonalinteractionunlessyoudecidetobecomeashut-in…buteventhen,
youhavetooccasionallyorderfoodoropenthedoorforthedeliveryman.
Unsurprisingly,mostpeoplearenotnaturalsatconversationandsocialskillsingeneral.Whenyouwalk
awayfromaninteractionthinkingsomeonewasawkwardormadeyouuncomfortable,that’stheexact
indicator.We’reneverexplicitlytrainedinthesethingsthewayweareingeometry,geography,andthe
capitalsofeverystateinthecountry.
Gee,Iwonderwhichoneisactuallymoreusefulintherealworld?
Peoplealsohavevariousinternalanxietiesandmentalblocksthatmightpreventthemfromsuccessfully
engagingpeopleinconversationonaregularbasis.
Regardlessofthepaththatledyoutothispointofwantinghelpandimprovement,restassuredand
comfortedthatitwillbeaneasierclimbthanyouthink.Likeanythingthatisnecessary,youmightinvolve
abitofkickingandscreamingasyouleaveyourcomfortzones,buttherearesomecompellingreasons
todoso.
First,conversationskillsopentrust.
Thefirstmeetingbetweentwopeoplecanbecautiousandtense.Ifyouhavenotbeenintroducedby
friendsandvalidatedbythenetworkeffect,yousimplydon’tknowsomeoneandwhetherornotyoucan
trustthem.Ifthey’llbetrayyouorbenicetoyou.Ifyou’llgetalongorhateeachother.
Thefirstfewmomentsareaquickhazeofattemptingtocollectbasicinformationwithwhichtomakean
informeddecisionabouttrust,openingup,whotobuildrelationshipswith,andwhotoignore.
Initialconversationisaneffectivewayofdetectingeachother'sinterestandmostimportantly,figuringout
whetherwecouldbecomfortablewitheachother.Smalltalkmayseemverysuperficialandrather
innocentbutintermsofinterpersonalrelationships,it'sactuallyaveryimportantfilteringmechanism.It
cangivepeopletheinformationtheyneedwhethertheyplantoletthispersonindeeperintotheirlivesor
holdthematacertaindistance.
Smalltalkandconversationisreallykindofasociallyacceptedgatewayforyoutoletotherpeopleknow
whatyou'reinterestedin,what'simportanttoyou,whatyourpersonalityislike,andyourpersonaltwist
orspinoncommonknowledgeorcurrentevents.
Withrustyornon-existentconversationskills,youruntheriskofbeingperceivedassomeonethatis
untrustworthy,notworthspendingtimewith,orjustawkward.
Second,conversationskillsmakepeoplefeelsafe.
Conversationcanbeasshallowasyouwant.Butdonecorrectly,itmakespeoplefeelcomfortableand
safewithyou,andultimatelytrustyou.
Initialsmalltalkandconversationistypicallyneutralinnature,andaboutharmlesstopicsthatmost
peoplecanagreeon.Anythingelseandit’snotreallysmalltalk,it’sjustabrasiveandoff-puttingin
nature.
Yetstill,thereistheopportunitytoprovidecontextandinformationaboutwhoyouare,whatyourvalues
are,andhowyouconductyourselfsopeoplecanbecomecomfortableandtrustyou.Thissmalltalkisthe
gatewaytofriendships,opportunities,andrelationships.
Whenpeoplefeelsafe,theyreciprocateandattempttodrawyouintotheirsphereofpersonalspace.
They’llsharewithyou,andwhenyouhavetwopeoplesharinginformation,thatisthefoundationoftrust
andintimacy.
Ourtruefriendsarewhowefeellikewillbethereforusthickandthin.Youdon’tgettothatpositionjust
bystandingnexttoeachothersilently,nomatterhowlongyouhavestood.Friendshipsandrelationships
areaseriesofsharedmomentsandconnections,drivenbyconversation.
Ergo,upgradeyourconversationquotientandcapacity,andfindyourselfatthecuspofmanymoredeep
relationshipsandfriendships.
2.Everyonelikesaverbalmirror.
There’sasayingthatessentiallystatesthatthebestwaytoengagepeopleistoletthemtalkabout
themselves.Givethemthespacetoexplaintheirmotivationsandintents,andnoonecanresistthe
temptationoftalkingabouttheirowncleverness.
Comingfromadatecoachingbackground,Icantellyouthatthesameadviceholdstruebecauseithas
thesamegoal.Onadate,it’snotabadruleofthumbtodotheminorityofthetalking,andallowyourdate
totalkaboutthemselvesandtheirthoughts.
Weinnatelyknowthatthishastheeffectofdrivingaconversationbecausepeopleliketotalkabout
themselves.Italsogivestheappearanceofasmooth,flowingconversationbecausebothpeopleare
drivingtheconversationalongandworkingtogetherforasinglepurpose–totalkabouttheother
person.Theendresultisthattheotherpersonwilljustlikeyoumore,becausetheyhaveperceiveda
greatconversationtohavetakenplace.
So…doyoufindyourselfclammingupwhenyoumeetnewpeople?Nervousandanxiouswithothers?
Thenbecomeaverbalmirror.Shinetheconversationbackontotheotherpersonandseeyour
interactionsblossom.
Mostpeoplehaveacertainamountofmentalblocksindealingwithpeoplethattheydon’tknoworhave
justmet.
Buttheywilllovetoengageontopicsthattheyarecomfortableonorexpertson…andwhoisn’tan
expertonthemselves?
Ifthereisanyonethingabouthumannatureyouneedtolearn,peoplelovetotalkaboutthemselves.The
averagepersonnavigatestheworldwiththemselvesasthecenter.Theyprocesstheinformationthe
worldgivesthemfromtheirownpersonalperspective.
Piggybackonthiscommontendencysothattheybasicallydoalltheworkwhenyou'retalkingtothem.
Yourjobistoreadthesignalscarefullysothatyoucanchangethedirectionoftheconversationsothat
theycankeeptalking.Andthefunnythingaboutallofthisisthatthebetteryouareatlisteningtopeople,
themoretheywouldthinkyouareagreatconversationalist.Prettyparadoxical,right?
Conversationstendtosufferasaresultofpeoplefeelingthattheyareinthespotlight.Liketheyare
performing,andwaitingtobejudgedforwhattheysay.Thattheyareinthecenteroftheroomand
everyone’seyesareonthemandmakingthemincrediblyself-conscious.Peopleclamupandthisisthe
exactphenomenonwhenyoujustcan’tthinkofanythingtosaytosomeone.
Thetruthisyou'reagoodconversationalist.Youjustletthepressureofhavingtoperformgetthebestof
you.Thisiswhenanxietyaboutperformingkicksinbecauseyouhaveaveryhumanandcommonplace
fear.Whatfearisthis?Thefearofrejection.Nobodylikestoberejected.Nobodylikestobemadeto
looklikeafool.Buttherealityisthatyoualreadyhavethosegreatsocialskills.
Oneofthebestwaystotrainyourselftodothisistomastertheartofmakingtheotherpersontalk.
Sowhenyoumeetanewpersonandstructureanddirecttheconversationbasedonwhat'simportantto
them,youhaveyourselfaninstantconversation–thebestpartofitisthatthere'snoheavyworkonyour
part.Thereisnoneedforyoutofeelthatyouareperformingbecausetheconversationisallaboutthem,
andtheyfeelthesamewayintalkingaboutsomethingsocomfortabletothemasthemselves.
It'sveryimportantthentofocusonwhatyourjobis.Asimplemindsetshiftcanhelpyouhere.
Yourjobduringconversationsisnottograbthespotlightandcomeupwithsomethingprofound,witty,
intelligent,orfunny.You’renotintheconversationtoteachorpreach.
Dumbitdown!Instead,yourjobistoguidetheconversation.Throwyourselfintherefromtimeto
timetolurethepersondeeperintotheconversation.Theactualcontent,theactualmeatofthe
conversationcanbeprovidedbytheotherperson.
Thebetteryouareatguiding,thesaferyoufeelandthelessanxiousyougetabouttalkingtopeople.
Eventually,asenseofmomentumkicksin,andyoucanprettymuchtalkwithanybodybecausethereality
isregardlessofwhethertheyliveontheothersideoftheplanetorasmallcorneroftheUnitedStates,
everybodyisthesame.Everybodylovestotalkaboutthemselves.
Themorepracticeyouhaveofluringpeopleintalkingaboutacommontopic,toluretheminandhave
thembasicallytakeovertheconversationwithyouguidingthematcertainstages,themoreconfidentand
ateaseyouwouldfeelaroundstrangersandwithanytopic.
Thiscanmeanthedifferencebetweenahigh-performingsalesperson,andsomebodywhocan'tsell
anythingevenifhisorherlifedependedonit.Thiscanalsomeanthedifferencebetweenmeetingthe
personthatyou'redestinedtolivetherestofyourlifewithanddyingalone.Thestakesareprettyhigh.
Greatconversationsreallyareallaboutcallandresponse–peoplecannotresistthecalloftalkingabout
themselves.Firstfocusonthesetopicsandtransferthefeelingandpracticeyougetfromthem.
Keyphrases:
1. Tellmemoreabout____.
2. Oh?Howdidthataffectyou?
3. Howdidyoucomeupwiththat?
4. [Repeatthelastfewwordsofwhattheyjustsaidandtrailoff…]
5. Whydidyouthinkofthat?
6. Whatwasthebestorworstpartofthat?
7. Whydoyouthinkthathappened?
3.Icebreaking,meltingglaciers,andstartingaconversation.
Whenfacedwitharoomfulofpeoplewedon’tknow,it’sathreateningsituationforalmostallofus.How
dowepickonepersonout,engagethem,andbreaktheicewiththem?
It’saninherentlyuncomfortablesituationthatmakesusafishoutofwater.Wedon’twanttodisrupt
peoplethatmightbehavinganicetalkwithsomeoneelse,becauseweknowthatwe’vebeenannoyed
whenrandompeoplehavebutted-in.Wedon’twanttosaythewrongorawkwardthingthatwillstartan
interactionoffonthewrongfoot.
Mostofallwejustdon’twanttoberejected!However,aswithallthingsthathingearoundthefearof
rejection,realizingthatjudgmentisfarlessprevalentthanyouthinkcandowonders.Inotherwords,
onceyoucangetoverthementalblocksofgettingrejectedfromaconversation(which,honestly,doesn’t
happenmuchatall),you’llrealizethatit’sjustamatterofopeningyourmouthanddoingit.
Ofcourse,thereareoptimalwaystodoitsothatyoucanstartoffaninteractionaseasilyaspossible,and
that’swhatI’lltalkabouthere.Almostall(appropriate)icebreakersarewelcome,butnotallicebreakers
arecreatedequally.
Talkaboutwhatyouhaveincommonatthatmoment.
Evenifyou’resomewherethatyou’veneverbeenbeforewithagroupofstrangers,thereareboundtobe
commonalities.Forstarters,you’reallatthesamelocation,aren’tyou?
Socialeventsalwayshavethemesandcommonalitiesthatyoucandrawontoicebreakconversations.If
it’snotabirthdaypartyorcollegereunion,whatistheonereasonthatbroughtthisseeminglyrandom
groupofstrangerstogether?Isitakickballparty?
Itcanbeasbasicasanetworkoffriendsinvitingtheirfriendsandfriendsoffriendstohangoutat
somebody'shouse.Youcantalkaboutthefriendsyouhaveincommon.Youcantalkaboutthefactthatyou
areinthisinterestingnewhouse,andthatyougotinvitedacertainway.
What'simportantisforyoutoclearlyidentifywhatmostpeopleinthatparticularsocialspacehavein
common.Searchdeepandyou’llfindit.Fromthere,youcanbranchintoactualconversationandlearn
aboutwhatmakespeopledifferent.
Tosumitup,startwithabroadcommonality,thennarrowintotheopposite.Focusintopeople’s
specifictraitsafterbreakingtheicewithasharedreality.
Keyphrases:
1. Howdoyouallknowthehost?
2. It’smyfirsttimeatthisbar…isitalwaysthisrowdy?
3. Checkoutthatwalldécor,it’ssofunny.
4. Soeveryonehereplayskickball?Whohasthemostpowerfulleg?
5. Host’shouseissonew,isn’tit?I’msojealous.
6. Wheredoyouthinktheygotthenameforthisbar?
7. Whydoyouthinkthatguyoverthereisn’twearingshoes?
Leadtheconversationtothemafterbreakingtheice.
Recallinthepreciouschapterthateveryonelikesaverbalmirror.Theremaybenogreaterpleasurethan
talkingaboutourselvesandexplainingindetailourmotivationsinourdailylives.
Alsorecallthatthisopenspeopleup,andmakesthemperceiveyouasafriendevenifyoujustmet.Ifyou
canprobepeopleaboutthemselvesandfindatopicrelatingtothemselves,youcanencouragethemto
strayontothattangent.
Onceyouidentifythat,keepdwellingonitsothattheycanbasicallytalkmoreandmoreaboutthat
particulartopic.Thegoalhereisasmoothtransitionfromyouricebreakerintoaconversationwithactual
substanceandconnection.
Aruleofthumbhereisthatyouwillprobablyberequiredtodo75%oftheleadingandtalkingatthe
beginningofaninteraction.Youwillneedtofillthesilencesyourself.
Samplequestionchain:
1. Didyouseethatcowheadmountedonthewall?Thisplaceiscrazy!
2. I’veonlyseensomethinglikethatinTexasbefore,haveyoubeen?
3. Oh,wherewereyouborn?
4. NewYorkdefinitelydoesn’thavecowslikethat.Whydidyoumovehere?
5. I’veheardthattheagriculturejobmarketisstronghere,butIneverknewexactlywhatthatmeant.
Whatexactlydoyoudowithinit?
6. Soitsoundslikeajobthatprovidesanicelevelofwork-lifebalance.Isthatwhatyouwere
lookingfor?
7. Great!Where’syournextvacation?IjustwenttoThailandandhighlyrecommendit.
Fromageneralobservationofthedécor,toaskingaboutwheresomeoneoriginatedfrom,todeeper
motivationsanddesiresinashortseriesofquestions.
Avoidcontroversy.
WhileIdon’tgenerallytellpeopletospoutgeneralitiesliketheweather,thereisatimeandplacefor
conveyingyouropinionandstandingoutabovethefold.
Icebreakerswithpeoplethatyoudonotknowarehardlytheplaceforthat.Youropinionscanoftenbe
polarizing,whichisnotanegativething.Butgiventhatyourgoalhereissimplytobeginaninteraction
andmakethemcomfortablewithtalkingtoyou,beingtheslightestbitabrasivewon’thelpthatgoal.
Mosttopicscanbetalkedaboutfreely,butwhatmakesthemcontroversialishavingtoostrongofan
opiniononthem,andimmediatelyconveyingthattoothers.
Keepingthegoalinmindofbeginninganinteraction–whathappenswhenyourunacrosssomeonewhose
viewsdon’tlineupwithyours?Youwillbeseenasanenemyoratleastunpleasantperson,asmost
peopleareunabletoseparateacivildisagreementwithpersonalvendetta.
Itdoesn’treallymatterhowyouhandlethesituationofconflictingviews.Whenthishappenswith
someoneyoujustmeet,it’sinstincttowritethemoffbecauseyoudon’tknowaboutthemotherthanthe
factthatyoubuttheadsphilosophically.Ifyoufindyourselfhere,theconversationmightnotbe
salvageable.
Sostayawayfrompotentiallydangeroustopicslikereligion,politics,race,genderpolitics,orother
divisiveissues.Youcanbringthemup,butdon’tofferyouropiniononthemuntilyougaugehowtheother
personreacts,ifatall.
Ifitappearsthatyoumightagreephilosophically,thenfeelfreetoofferyourunfilteredopinion.Butthat
wouldbetheexceptionratherthantherule.
Notedetailsandprovideyourown.
Youmightbedetectingathemethatconversationsrequiresomeeffortandthinkingonyourfeet.Youcan’t
justcoastinaconversationandexpectthatyourautopilotresponseswillproducetheconnectionsthatyou
want.
Takingnoteofdetailsthattheotherpersonprovidesyouwithisaninstanceofwhereyoucan’tcoast,and
youmustactivelybelisteningtotheotherperson.
Mentallycatalogsomeimportantdetailsoraspectsofastorythatappeartoexciteyourconversation
partner,andreturntothoseintimesofdoubtorimpendingsilence.
Bydetails,Imeanliketheirhometown,occupation,hobbies,andotherpersonalinformationtheyhave
divulgedtoyou–thingsthattheycanrelatetoorthatmadetheirfaceslightupwhentheywerebrought
up.
Thisway,youwillalwayshavesomethingtotalkaboutandinstantlyinjectenergybackintothe
conversation…aswellasavoidawkwardlullsandsilences.Youmaynotknowthatmuchaboutthem,but
youshouldbeabletodetectwhatapersonmightbeinterestedinandexcitedaboutwithinafew
minutes.Maintaininterestandfocusbyfocusingonthem.
Onyourside,youshouldreciprocatewithpersonaldetailsandstorieswhenappropriate.Ifyouhavea
personalstorythatrelatestoaperson’sinterestorcontext,itwilldrawthemtoyouandmakethemview
youasapersonwithmoreinherentvalue.
Keyphrases:
1. Wait,you’refromPhiladelphia?Soyou’reabigsportsfan?
2. Didyoumentionearlierthatyouhadseenthismoviebefore?
3. ItoldyouthatI’malsofromPennsylvania,right?
4. Iforgot,didIimaginethatyousaidyouusedtoplaybasketball?
5. Canweholdonasecondandgobacktothefactthatyouusedtoplaybasketballincollege?
6. Ican’tbelievethatwearefromthesametinycountryintheCaribbeans!
Thesephrasesfillanylullorsilenceeasily.
4.Commonquestionsanduncommon,betteranswers.
Whatwasthelastwaythatyougreetedsomeonethatyoucameacross?
Wasitsomevariationof“Hey,”“Howareyou,”or“What’sup?”
Anddidyouactuallylistentoorcarewhattheresponsewasgoingtobe?
No?That’sbecausethesegreetingsandcommonbeginningstoconversationsaresooverusedthattheyare
basicallyinstinct.Theyfadeintonothinganddon’tleaveanyonewithanimpressionwhatsoever.Ifyou
wantaone-linerconversation,wellthat’sprettyeasytoaccomplish.
Obviously,thisisnotourgoalwiththisbook.
Lookatthecommonquestionsandgreetingsthatyou’llbeaskedassoftballs–bywhichImeantheyare
giftsgiventoyoubecausetheyaresoeasytoanswerinuncommonandinterestingways.Startpreparing
andansweringthesequestionswithgreatstoriesandphrases,andyouwillinstantlycaptivatewhoever
youaretalkingto.
Thebestpartaboutthischapter’slessonisthatitissomethingthatyoucanprepareforbeforehand.So
muchofconversationisstressfultousbecauseitdependsonacertainamountofskillandthinkingon
yourfeet–thiscanbedauntingbecauseweoftenimagineourselvesrunningoutofthingstosayand
simplystandingtheredumbfounded.
Ifyoucantakesometimetoprepareanswersandstoriesforsituationsthatyouknowwillcomeupin
eachconversationyoutakepartin,youcaneliminatealargepartofthefear!
AsItouchedonabove,themostcommonconversationstartersaresimplyvariationsof“Howareyou,”or
“What’sup.”Thereisnothingspecialaboutthesequestions,andtheyaresimplywaysthatpeople(1)
acknowledgeyou,and(2)showaninterestinyourlife.
Unfortunately,weroutinelyfailtotakeadvantageoftheopeningsthatwearegivenonhowtoengage
people.Someanswerscanleadtoengagingandentertainingconversations,whilemostsimplycut
conversationshort.
Youaredefinitelyfamiliarwiththelatter.Theydon’taskformoreinformation.Theyrespondandblock
offtheotherperson.“I’mfine,thanks!”“Great.”“Good,you?”“Great!Bye!”
Nothingaboutthatexchangeiscompellingorwillleadtoanykindofconnection.Allconversationkillers
basicallyrevolvearoundgivingabroadyetvagueanswer.
Easysolution–respondwithanswersthatleadtomorequestions.
Ifyouwanttoengagethepersoninadeeperconversation,youcannotgiveananswerthatcutsthemoff.
Whenyougivethiskindofanswer,thisopensuptheconversationinmanydifferentdirections.The
conversationcantalkabouttravelstories.Itcantalkaboutanydiscrepanciesbetweentravelbrochures
andactualtravelexperiences.
Responsesthatleadtomorequestionsaremoreeffectivewhentheystartwithastory.Whensomebody
asksyouaverybroadandoftenbanalquestion,youcanchoosetosay,“I’mgreat,”andjustcutitoff,or
youcanthrowinapersonalstory.WhenyoutellthemthatyoujustgotbackfromRomeorParis,itattracts
theircuriosityandyoucanstartanexchangeoftravelstories,whichcanleadtomanydifferenttangents.
Youhavetostartwithyourstorybecauseitmakestheconversationmorepersonal.Thisdrawsthemin.
Whenthey’redrawnin,theystartthrowingintheirstory,andthenyoucanusethattechniquethatI’ve
mentionedearlierofputtingthespotlightonthemifyou’refeelingawkwardoranxious.Youonlyneedto
askfollow-upquestionstodigdeeperintotheirstoryandbasicallytheconversationwilltakealifeofits
own.
Theartofgreatconversationsisnotamystery.It’saboutlookingatthecommonhumanityyouhavewith
thepersonyou’retalkingwithandlettingthestorytakeover.Everybodyhasastory,andhumannatureis
setupinsuchawaythateverybodyisinarushtotelltheirstory.
Aslongasyouknowthesefacts,youcanthenusethemtoyouradvantagetobecomeagreat
conversationalist.
5.Effectivelisteninginthreesteps.
Accordingtoarecentstatistic,mostmarriagesintheUnitedStatesbreakdownnotbecauseofinfidelity
ormoneyissues,butfailuretocommunicate.Whilethismightseemlikea“duh”moment,itstill
underscoresafewveryimportantconceptsaboutourdailylives.
First,theabilitytoengagepeoplemeaningfullyinconversationandhaveitleadsomewhereoccasionally
–asageneralblanketstatement,peoplearen’tgoodatit.Evenwithinthesupposedlysafeconfinesof
marriage,peoplehaveissueswithdifficultconversationsandthethingsthatneedtobesaid.Iwould
assertthatalargepartofthisaversiontomaritalconflictisbecauseofeitherpartner’sinabilitytolisten
effectively.
Second,peopledon’tlistenwell,andthere’smoretolisteningthanjustsittingquietlyandwaitingfor
yourturntospeak.Communicationissuesarisewhenissuesaremiscommunicated…andwhenasafe
spaceisn’tcreatedtoallowgrievancestocometolight.
Third,peoplethinktheyarecommunicatingbutaren’treally.They’resouncomfortablewithallthat
genuineandopencommunicationentailsthattheyonlydiptheirtoesintotheprocess.Thismeansthat
half-messagesaresentallthetime,andnothingiscompletelyunderstoodbecausepeoplejustwanttoend
theprocess.
That’swhybeingagoodlistenerisimportant.
Fortunately,therearethreeeasystepstosetyouonyourpathtobeingagreatlistenerandsubsequently
greatconversationalist.Thisgoesbeyondthestrangersatthecocktailparty–itcanhelpsalvageyour
relationshipwithyoursignificantother.
Stepone:ACTUALLYfocusontheotherspeaker.
Whenyou’relistening,itmeansthatyourmouthiscompletelyshutandthereisnothingcomingoutofyour
mouth.
Moreimportantarethefollowingtwoaspects:(1)youarenotsimplywaitingforyourturntospeakwith
somethingonthetipofyourtongue,and(2)youareactuallyacknowledginganddigestingwhatisbeing
toldtoyou.
Manypeopleliketopridethemselvesasgoodlistenersbasedpurelyonthefactthattheyletpeoplerant
abouttheirlives.Theactofsittingsilentlydoesnotmakeagoodlistener,itjustmeanstheyaregoodat
noddingandsaying“Uh-huh…”Attheendofitall,theonlypersonwhofeelsgoodaboutthatinteraction
isthepersonwhothinkstheyarelisteningwell,becausethespeakerwon’tbegettinganyvaluefromit.
Reallisteningisallaboutfocusingonthespeaker.Thisisveryhardformanypeopletoswallowbecause
mostpeopleareegocentric.Unfortunately,ifthat'showyouhandleyourrelationships,you'renotgoingto
getfar.Ifthat'showyouconductyourselfatwork,youprobablyaren'tgoingtogetpromoted.
Youhavetolearnhowtofocusonthespeaker.Insteadofthinkingaboutyourtrialsandtribulationsand
what'shappeninginyourlife,wrapyourmindinsteadaroundthelifeofsomebodyelse.Wrapyourmind
aroundwhat'simportanttothemandfocuscloselyonthecollectionofideas,emotions,andrevelations
comingfromthespeaker.
Thismayseemeasy,butitisn't.Alotofpeoplethinkthatthey'regoodlistenerswhen,inreality,they're
filtering.Sothepersonistalkingbutthey’reonlylisteningtothethingstheywanttolistento.They'reonly
gettingthemessagethattheywanttoget.Thisisnotreallistening.Reallisteningisarawfeed.
Steptwo:followup.
AsIsaidbefore,effectivelisteningisn’tjustsittingtherequietly.
It’sacknowledgingandtakingwordsin,synthesizingthem,andformulatingspecificfeedbackand
follow-up.
WhatisNOTarealfollow-up?“Uhhuh,”“Oh,Isee,”and“OhmyGod!”
Arealfollow-upquestioniswhenyouputyourselfintheirshoesandtrytounderstandthedetailsthey
havetodealwith.Ifyou'retalkingtosomebodythatjustlosthisjob,putyourselfinthatemotionalstate.
Howwouldyoubefeelingwhenyouhaveyourhomemortgageduethenextmonth,andyoulostyourjob?
Howwouldyoubefeelingwhenyourkidscomehome,andtheyseethattheirdaddydoesn'thaveajob
anymore,right?
That'swhatyourquestionsshouldrevolvearound.Thecenterofgravitymustbeonwhatisimportantto
thespeaker,andtheconversationshouldflowfromthere.Manypeoplethinkthattheyaregood
conversationalistsbecausetheybasicallythinktheyalreadyhavetheanswer.Theseconversationstendto
beone-sidedandultimately,useless.
Byfocusingonthespeakerandpracticingempathy,youcanthenteaseoutinformationthatcouldactually
helpthembecausemostpeople'sproblemsaresolvedbyanswersthatarealreadycontainedwithinthe
question.Youaskfollow-upquestions,youhavetoplaceitfromtheirperspectiveandwhatmattersto
them.
Agreatconversationisajourney,notthedestination.It'snotamadrushtowardsthisfixedanswer
thatdoesn'tchange.Instead,it'sreallyjustabouttheprocessthepersonjustlettingtheiremotionsout,
pickingthroughthedetails,andreallyhavinganotherpersonbetheretosharetheexperience.
Stepthree:fighttheurgetotalkaboutyourself.
MylastbreakuptookamentaltollonmebecauseIhadinvestedsomuchintotherelationship.Despite
thatinvestment,Iknewithadtoendatsomepointandjustcouldn’tseeitculminatinginmarriage.
SoItookthenewstomybestfriendandreallyjustwantedtounleasheverythingthatwasinmyheartand
headatthatpoint.
Whattranspiredwasincrediblyfrustrating.Iwouldtalkabouttheaspectsoftherelationshipthatweren’t
workingforme,andmademereconsidermyentirelifecourse.
Thenshestartedtalkingabouthowshedidthatwithherhusband,andthenhowherhusband’sfamilywent
onatriptoIsraelthatpastsummer.Andthenhowthattripwashorrible,andledtosomefamilydiscord.
Shestolemydamnthunder.
NormallyI’mmorethanawillingear,butthiswasalowmomentformeandshefailedtorecognizethat
sheneededtokickherlisteningmodeintogear.Sheflippedthefocusoftheconversationfrommetoher
inafrustratingseriesofsidethoughtsandthinkingoutloud.
Yourjobistogivethemsafeemotionalspacewheretheycanexploreideas,behonestwithfeelings,and
otherwisecomeupwithasenseofclarity.Youflushallthesedownthetoiletwhenyoutalkoverthemor
switchthefocusoftheconversationtoyourself.
Thisgoesbeyondstealingthethunder,andservestomaketheotherpersonfeelmarginalizedand
unimportant.Reallisteningisaboutthespeakerandnotyou.They’retheoneswhoknowtheanswers
regardingtheirproblemsnotyou.Soit'sreallyimportanttofighttheurgetodominatetheconversation.
Listeningdoesn'ttakeanadvanceddegree,butittakesalotofheart,empathy,andcompassion.
6.Buildingabulletprooffirstimpression.
Whenmeetingsomeonenew,we’veallhadthatmomentof“No,thanks,”rightoffthebat,haven’twe?
Ihave,andIdon’tthinkI’mmorejudgmentalthantheaverageperson.
Thereasonthathappensisbecausethatpersonmadeanegativefirstimpression.Youjustdidn’tlike
their“vibe”ortheirpresence–andthat’sexactlywhatthefirstimpressiongoverns.
Itdoesn’treallymatterwhoyouareorwhatyourgoals.Yousimplyneedtoknowhowtomakeabetter
firstimpression.Weonlygetoneshotatthisuntiltheopportunityisgone.Oncethathappens,everything
elseyoudoorsaywillbeviewedthroughthelensofthatnegativeorlukewarmimpression,andit’sapit
thatisextremelydifficulttoclimboutof.
Thegoodnewsisthatit’snotasdifficultasyoumaythink.
Partofthereasonthatpeoplemakereallybadfirstimpressionsisthattheycomeintoasocialsituation
withalotofanxietyorfear.Ifyougointoasocialsituationlookingtoimpresspeopleorproveapoint,
ninetimesoutoften,you'lldroptheball.
Removethefearofjudgmentfromyourmindandseeyourfirstimpressionssoar.Ofcourse,that’seasier
saidthandone,sointheinterim,asetofbasicguidelinescancoveryourbases.
Makeeyecontact.
Inwesternculture,eyecontactestablishestrustandcredibility.
Accordingly,thelackofeyecontactcanconveymanythings.Itcanmeanthatyou'rebeingevasive,or
havesomethingtohide.Itcanalsoconveythatyouareweakpersonandbasicallylookingtobe
dominated.Thereareallsortsofmeaningsthatpeoplecanreadintoyourinabilitytomakeeyecontact.
Awarenessishalfthebattlehere,aseyecontactisnottypicallyadifficultstepforpeopletointernalize.
Don’tstareintotheireyeslikeyouaretryingtoreadtheirsoul.Thatjustcreepspeopleout.Thisrelates
tomynextpoint.
Smilewithyoureyes.
Asmentionedabove,youhavetomakeeyecontact,butthereareobjectivelybetterwaystodoit.
Thebestandmostcomfortablewaytodoitistosmilewithyoureyes.Youreyesarenotjustdeadpools
orblack,blue,brown,orgreen.
Inotherwords,youreyesarecommunicatingtothepersonyou'relookingatthatpersoniswelcomed.It's
communicatingtothatpersonthatyou'reopenforanexchangeorconversation.
However,ifyoudoitwrong,andyoujustlookatsomebodystraightintheeyewithoutsmilingwithyour
eyes,thiscanbeviewedasachallengeorathreat.Itcanbeviewedasshowingdominance.Notagood
moveifyou'retryingtomakeasaleormeetsomebodynew.
Howdoyousmilewithyoureyes?Liftyoureyebrows(whichmakesyouappearnon-threateningand
empathetic)andcrinkleyoureyesaroundtheedges.Incidentally,theeasiestwaytocrinkleyoureyes
thuslyistogenuinelysmile,sothat’satwoforonetip.
Useanexpressivevoice.
Manypeopledon’tknowit,buttheydon’tconveyanythingclosetowhattheywanttobecausetheydon’t
haveanexpressivevoice.
It’sthedifferencebetweenbeinggoodatsarcasm,andcomingofflikeanassholemostofthetime.
ManyforeignstudentsofEnglishembodythedifference,astheycansayphrasesandwordsfine,but
withoutproperexpressionandinflection.Themeaningfallsflatandsometimesistakentheoppositeway.
Youwanttobeseeninapositivelightimmediatelyuponfirstimpression,soexpresspositivitythrough
yourvoice.Done?
Nowusetentimestheamountofpositivitythatyouthinkyoujustused.Exaggerateit,becausechances
arethatwhatseemslikealottoyouisn’tmuchinreality.
Don’ttakethechanceofbeingmisunderstoodormisconstruedinanegativelight.Practiceyour
expressivevoicetoconveyexactlywhatyouwant.
Focusonyoursimilarities.
Thereisaninherenthumanbiastopeoplewhoaresimilartous.Weopenupbettertopeoplewholook
likeus,soundlikeus,andspeakthesamelanguageasus.
Sowhenyoutalktosomebodynewandwanttomakeagreatfirstimpression,alwayslookforsimilarities
andfocusonthose.Instantly,youwillbeseeninapositivelight,asthepersonwillseethemselvesinyou
–andwhodoesn’tlikethemselves?
Focusingonyoursimilaritieswillmakepeoplelessapprehensiveandopenthemselvestoyouinafar
deepermannerthantheywouldotherwise.It’slikeyouaretheirneighbor,andwhodoesn’twanttoendear
themselvestotheirneighbor?
Reflecttheemotionalcuesofthespeaker.
Wanttomakeagreatfirstimpression?Laughatsomeone’sjokesorcursethetrafficjustastheydo.
Isthisfakeorinsincere?No.
Here’swhy.
You’renotlyingorconveyingsomethingthatyoudon’tfeel,you’rejustincreasingtheamountofsocial
lubricantinasituation.Here’sanotherinterpretation:isn’titcommonsensetoremainsomberwhen
someoneistellingasadstoryandexpressangerwhensomeoneelsewantstorantaboutsomething?
Whenthispersongetstheimpressionthatyougetthemonanemotionallevel,theyarewillingtoletyouin
furtherintermsofemotionalintimacy.
Sendtherightbodylanguagesignals.
Awarenessishalfthebattleonthisone.Youdon’thavetosendbodylanguagesignalsofattractionor
affection,butyouDOhavetoavoidsendingoutnegativeorclosedoffsignals.
Guyswhoareunabletopickupwomenatsingles'barsusuallyfailbecauseofthis.They'remouthsare
sayingonething,theirfaceissayinganother,andtheirbodyissayinganother.Wholecommunication–
yourwords,thewayyousayyourwords,thetoneofyourvoice,yourbodylanguage,andyourfacial
expressions–mustbeconsistent.Don'tsendthewrongbodylanguagesignalsbecauseitsabotagesthe
kindofintimacyandtrustthatyou'retryingtobuild.
Bewareofhowyoucrossyourarms,standorleanbacktoappearstandoffish,yourfacialexpression
whilelistening,howmuchyoucoveryourface,fidget,andwhichdirectionyoupointyourtoesin.They
allcontributetoaconsistentimageofhowengagingapersonyouappeartobe.
Makingagreatfirstimpressionreallyinvolvesbothverbalandnon-verbalsignals.Tosumitallup,you
reallyneedtohaveahighlevelofconsistencysowhateversignalsthatyouaresendingcanleadtohigher
levelsofintimacy,confidence,andtrustandarenotsabotagedbynon-verbalsignals.
7.TellstorieslikeHomerandAesopcombined.
Isthereanyonethatsticksoutinyourmemoryasagreatconversationalist?
Ninetimesoutoften,thereasonwhyyouweresoimpressedbythesepeopleisbecausetheytoldgreat
stories.
Conversationisreallyasetofinterestingremarksandrelatedstories,soit’snowonderthatgreat
storytellingcanmakeyourconversationskillsskyrocket.It’sacornerstoneofhowweactually
communicatewithothers.
Focusonthecentralpointofthestory.
Ifyouwanttobeabetterstoryteller,figureoutthecentralpointofthestorybeforeyoutellit.Whatisthe
centralideayou'retryingtocommunicate?Theclearerthisistoyou,thebetteryouwillcommunicatethat
idea.
Alldetailsmustleadtothiscentralpointandbesomewhatrelated.Ifyouhavetoaskyourselfwhyyou
arementioningthispersonordetail,thenitonlyservestodiluteyourstoryandmessage.Thinkofthe
centralpointasthethesisofthestory–everydetailorpointmustrelatetoit,orprovidecontextforit.
Poorstorytellershaveonethingincommon:theytalkonandonandreallynevergettothepoint.These
storiesareannoyingbecausetheytakeyourattentionandwasteit–youcanwasteminutesonsomebody
thatbasicallydoesn'tknowhowtotellastory.
Thekeytoeffectivestorytellingisthatthedetailsofthestorythatyou'regoingtotellmustleadtothe
centralpoint.
Forexample,youaretellingastoryaboutperformingatanopenmiclastweek.Focusonthedetailsof
thesetting,theperformance,andtheleaduptoit.Talkaboutyourfeelings,andhowmuchyoulike
performing.
Whatisn’trelatedtothecentralpointofthestory?Whereyougotyourguitar,howmuchyourmother
likesyoursinging,andhowbadthecommutewastogetthere.Stayfocused.
Thecentralpointmusthaveanemotionalpayload.
Humanbeingsareemotionalcreatures.We'dliketopretendthatwe'rerational,orwemakeour
decisionsbasedonlogic.
Butninetimesoutoften,wemakeanimpulsiveoremotionaldecisionthenwelateronjustifybycoming
upwithsomesortofrationalexplanation.We'reallemotionalanimalsandthere'snothingwrongwith
that.
Thismeansthatifyou'regoingtotellastory,youhavetomakesurethatthereisanemotionalpayload.
Whenpeoplegettotheendofyourstory,eitherthey'relaughing,they'recrying,they'refeelingangry,or
anyotheremotionalreaction.
Foraneffectivestory,therehastobeanemotionalreactionattheend.Eithertheyfeelupliftedand
enlightened,ortheyfeeloutragedormovedtoaction,ortheirheartshavebeenmovedtopity.
Otherwise,yourstorywillsimplyengenderareactionof“Sowhat?”or“…and?”or“Isthatit?”
Youhavetoensurethatthecentralpointofyourstoryhasanemotionalpayloadorotherpeoplewouldnot
findyourstoryengagingorinteresting.
Paintapicture.
Anyonecantelladryandboringstory.
Allyouhavetodoisdescribewhathappensinsteps.Reduceyourstorydowntoaseriesofactions,
includingaconclusion,andwhatdoyouhave?Astorythatisasgoodasasetofinstructionstodolaundry
with–equallyasthrillingandemotionallymoving.
Greatstoriesarewhenthestorytellerletsyousmellwhatheorshesmellsinthestory.Greatstoriesare
whenthecolorsareveryvividandvibrant.Greatstoriestakeplacewhenthereisalotofsoundand
dynamisminthedetailsoftheoverallnarrative.
Youcantellalousystorywhenthedetailsareflat,whenmanyofthedetailsarerushedthrough,or
otherwisemissing.It'sasifyouarethere.Thebetteryouareinpaintingaverypalpable,vivid,and
reallyengagingstory,thehigherthelikelihoodthatthispersonwouldbeemotionallyengaged.
Greatstorytellersmakegreatfirstimpressionsinsocialsettingsbecausetheyaregreatcommunicators.
Theyareabletohelpustoconnectbetterwithouremotionsandintellect.Greatstorytellersarefewand
farbetween,andthisiswhyyouneedtoreallystepupyourgamesoyoucanmastertheartof
conversation.
8.Makingsafetopicsintofailsafeconversations.
Ifyouwanttomastertheartofconversation,youhavetoknowhowtocomeupwithconversationtopics
thatcanleadtogreatconversation.
Justkidding.
Thisisactuallyuntrueandadamagingmindset,becauseitwillmakeyoudependonthatmagictopicthat
doesn’treallyexist.
Whatisthedefinitionofagreatconversation?Let'skeepitsimple.Agreatconversationisa
conversationthatallowsbothpeopleintheconversationtofeelbetterabouteachother.
Notalltopicsleadtogreatconversations.Sometopicsactuallyleadtodead-endconversationsbecause
they'resoclose-endedandsimple.
Asthetitleofthischaptersays,itisperfectlypossibletotakesafetopicsandtwistthemtoyour
advantage.It’sallamatterofknowinghowtomovebeyondthematerialprovidedandcreatea
connectionregardless.
Therefore,itisperfectlyharmlesstofocusonwhatmightbeotherwisecalledboringsmalltalktopics.
Thebigbenefithereisthatyoucanbringthemupwithanyoneandsomeonewillhavesomethingtosay
aboutthem.Aslongasyoutakeapersonalandemotion-basedangleoffsomethinguniversal,youcan
twistitintoagreatopenertobranchoutintoothertopicsthatcanleadtodeepercredibilityandtrustbuilding.
Weather.
Oneofthesafesttopicstotalkaboutistheweather.
Thereasonwhythisworkstimeandtimeagainisbecauseit'sasharedexperience.Ifyouliveinthepart
oftheUnitedStateswhereitsnowsalot,everybodycanagreethatit'ssnowing.Whatmakesthisan
interestingdiscussionpointisthateverybodyhasadifferentspinontheweatherandwhatitmeansto
them.Forexample,ifsomebodywascaughtinasnowstormonhiswaytotheBahamas,that'sagreat
gatewayforagreatconversationaboutvacations.
Anotherwaythiscanleadtoconversationiswhensomebodytalksaboutthehumidityintheirhouse
leadingtomildewthatleadstohomerepair.Thiscanbeagreatwaytotransitionfromtalkingaboutthe
weathertodo-it-yourselfconstructionprojectsaroundthehouse.
Weatherisagreatstartingareaorstagingareawhereitcanbranchouttootherpersonalareasthatyou