The young visiters

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Title:TheYoungVisitersor,Mr.Salteena'sPlan
Author:DaisyAshford
ReleaseDate:May11,2007[EBook#21415]
Language:English

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THEAUTHOR


THE

YOUNGVISITERS
OR,MRSALTEENA'SPLAN

BY

DAISYASHFORD

WITHAPREFACEBY

J.M.BARRIE

NEWYORK
GEORGEH.DORANCOMPANY
Published,1919,
ByGeorgeH.DoranCompany


PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica

[Pgv]


PREFACE
[GotoTableofContents]

The "owner of the copyright" guarantees that "The Young Visiters" is the
unaided effortin fictionofanauthoressofnineyears."Effort,"however,isan
absurdwordtouse,asyoumayseebystudyingthetriumphantcountenanceof
thechildherself,whichisherereproducedasfrontispiecetohersublimework.
Thisisnoportraitofawriterwhohadtoburntheoilatmidnight(indeedthereis
documentaryevidencethatshewashauledofftobedeveryeveningatsix):ithas
anairofcarelesspower;thereisacomplacencyaboutitthatbytheseveremight
perhaps be called smugness. It needed no effort for that face to knock off a
masterpiece.Itprobablyrepresentspreciselyhowshelookedwhenshefinished
achapter.Whenshewasactuallyatwork [Pgvi]Ithinktheexpressionwasmore
solemn, with the tongue firmly clenched between the teeth; an unholy rapture
showingasshedrewnearherlovechapter.Fellow-craftsmenwillseethatsheis
lookingforwardtothischapterallthetime.

Themanuscriptisinpencilinastoutlittlenotebook(twopence),andthereithas
lainforyears,forthoughtheauthoresswasninewhenshewroteitsheisnowa
grown woman. It has lain, in lavender as it were, in the dumpy note book,
waitingforapublishertoridethatwayandrescueit;andhereheisatlast,nota
bitafraidthattothisageitmayappear"Victorian."IndeedifitspicturesofHigh
Lifeareaccurate(aswecannotdoubt,theauthoressseemsalwayssosureofher
facts)theyhadawayofgoingoninthosetimeswhichisreallysurprising.Even
thegrandhistoricalfigureswerefreeandeasy,suchasKingEdward,ofwhom
wehaveperhapsthemosthumanpictureeverpenned,asheappearsatalevée
"rathersumshiously,"in [Pgvii]a"smallbutcostlycrown,"andafterwardsslips
away totuck intoices.Itwouldseem inparticularthatweareoddlywrongin
ourideaoftheyoungVictorianladyasapersonmoreshyandshrinkingthanthe
girlofto-day.TheEthelofthisstoryisafascinatingcreaturewhowouldhavea
good time wherever there were a few males, but no longer could she voyage
through life quite so jollily without attracting the attention of the censorious.
Chaperonseemstobeoneoftheveryfewgoodwordsofwhichourauthoress
hadneverheard.
Theladyshehadgrowninto,the"ownerofthecopyright"alreadyreferredto,


givesmeafewparticularsofthischildsheusedtobe,andisevidentlyalittle
scared by her. We should probably all be a little scared (though proud) if that
portraitwasdumpeddowninfrontofusasours,andwewereaskedtoexplain
whyweoncethoughtsomuchofourselvesasthat.
Exceptforthesmirkonherface,allIcanlearnofhernowisthat[Pgviii]shewas
one of a small family who lived in the country, invented their own games,
dodgedthegovernessandlettherestoftheworldgohang.Shereadeverything
thatcameherway,including,asthecontextamplyproves,thegrown-upnovels
oftheperiod."Iadoredwritingandusedtoprayforbadweather,sothatIneed
notgooutbutcouldstayinandwrite."Hermotherusedtohaveearlyteainbed;

sometimes visitors came to the house, when there was talk of events in high
society:therewasmentionofplacescalledHamptonCourt,theGaietyTheatre
andthe"Crystale"Palace.Thisisalmostallthatisnowremembered,butitwas
enough for the blazing child. She sucked her thumb for a moment (this is
guesswork),andsatdowntoheramazingtale.
"Her mother used to have early tea in bed." Many authors must have had a
similar experience, but they all missed the possibilities of it until this young
woman came along. It thrilled her; and tea in [Pg ix]bed at last takes its proper
placeinfiction."MrSalteenawokeuprartherearlynextdayandwasdelighted
tofindHoracethefootmanenteringwithacupoftea.Ohthankyoumymansaid
MrSalteenarollingoverinthecostlybed.MrClarkisnearlyoutofthebathsir
announcedHoraceIwillhavegreatpleasureinturningitonforyouifsuchis
your desire. Well yes you might said Mr Salteena seeing it was the idear." Mr
Salteenacleverlyconcealshisemotion,butassoonasheisaloneherushesto
Ethel'sdoor,"IsaysaidMrSalteenaexcitedlyIhavehadsometeainbed."
"Sometimes visitors came to the house." Nothing much in that to us, but how
consummatelythischildmusthavestudiedthem;ifyouconsiderwhatsheknew
of them before the "viacle" arrived to take them back to the station you will
neverdaretospendanotherweek-endinahousewheretheremaybeanovelist
of nine years. I am sure that when you left your bedroom this child stole in,
examined everything [Pg x] and summed you up. She was particularly curious
about the articles on your dressing-table, including the little box containing a
reddish powder, and she never desisted from watching you till she caught you
dabbingitonyourcheeks.Thispowder,whichshespells"ruge,"wentalittleto
her head, and it accompanies Ethel on her travels with superb effect. For
instance, she is careful to put it on to be proposed to; and again its first
appearance is excused in words that should henceforth be serviceable in every


boudoir."IshallputsomeredrugeonmyfacesaidEthelbecouseIamverypale

owingtothedrainsinthishouse."
Those who read will see how the rooms in Hampton Court became the
"compartments"inthe"Crystale"Palace,andhowthe"Gaierty"Hotelgrewout
oftheGaietyTheatre,withmanyotheragreeablechanges.Thenovelistwillfind
the tale a model for his future work. How incomparably, for instance, the
authoress dives [Pg xi] into her story at once. How cunningly throughout she
keeps us on the hooks of suspense, jumping to Mr Salteena when we are in a
quiver about Ethel, and turning to Ethel when we are quite uneasy about Mr
Salteena.Thisauthoressofnineisflirtingwithherreadersallthetime.Hermind
issucharichpocketthatasshedigsinit(herheadtothesideandhertongue
well out) she sends up showers of nuggets. There seldom probably was a
novelist with such an uncanny knowledge of his characters as she has of Mr
Salteena.Thefirstlineofthetaleetcheshimforalltime:"MrSalteenawasan
elderlymanof42andfondofaskingpeopletostaywithhim."Onthenextpage
Salteenadrawsatouchingpictureofhimselfinaletteracceptinganinvitation:"I
dohopeIshallenjoymyselfwithyou.IamfondofdigginginthegardenandI
amparshaltoladiesiftheyareniceIsupposeitismynature.Iamnotquitea
gentlemanbutyouwouldhardlynoticeitbutcan'tbehelpedanyhow."[Pgxii]
"When the great morning arrived Mr Salteena did not have an egg for his
breakfast in case he should be sick on the journey." For my part I love Mr
Salteena, who has a touch of Hamlet, and I wished up to the end that Ethel
would make him happy, though I never had much hope after I read the
descriptionofBernardClark'slegs.
It is not to be wondered at that Mr Salteena soon grew "rarther jellous" of
Bernard, who showed off from the first. "My own room is next the bathroom
saidBernarditisdecerateddarkredasIhavesombertastes.Thebathroomhas
gotatipupbasin."ThuswasMrSalteenaputinhisplace,andtherethecruel
authoress (with her tongue farther out than ever) doggedly keeps him. "After
dinnerEthelplayedsomemerrytunesonthepianoandBernardrespondedwith
arartherloudsonginabasevoiceandEthelclappedhimagooddeal.ThenMr

Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle." No wonder Mr Salteena
wentgloomilytobed,notto [Pgxiii]sleep,buttothinkoutthegreaterriddleof
how to become a gentleman, with which triumphant adventure the book is
largelyconcerned.
To many the most instructive part of the story will be the chapter entitled


"Bernard'sIdear."Bernard's"idear"(warmlyacclaimedbyEthel)isthatsheand
heshouldgouptoLondon"forafewweeksgaierty."Somethingofthekindhas
often been done in fiction and in guide-books, but never probably in such a
heartywayashere.Arrivedatthe"Gaierty"HotelBernardpokeshisheadinto
the"windowofthepaydesk.Haveyouacoupleofbedroomsforselfandyoung
ladyheenquiredinalordlyway."Heistoldthattheyhavetwobeauties."Thank
yousaidBernardwewillgoupifyouhavenoobjection.Nonewhateversirsaid
thegenialladythebedsarewellairedandtheviewquitepleasant.Comealong
EthelcriedBernardthissoundsalrighteh.OhquitesaidEthelwithabeaming
smile."Hedecidesgallantly [Pgxiv]thatthelargerroomshallbehers."Ishallbe
quitelostinthatlargebed,"Ethelsays."YesIexpectyouwillsaidBernardand
nowwhataboutalittletabled'otefollowedbyatheatre?"
Bernard's proposal should be carried in the pocket of all future swains. He
decides"whilstimbibinghismorningteabeneaththepinksilkenquilt,"thatto
proposeinLondonwouldnotbethe"correctidear."Hespringsoutofbedand
knocksatEthel'sdoor."Areyouupmydear?hecalled.WellnotquitesaidEthel
hastily jumping from her downy nest." He explains his "idear." "Oh hurrah
shouted Ethel I shall soon be ready as I had my bath last night so won't wash
verymuchnow."
Theygouptheriverinaboat,andaftertheyhadeatenand"drunkdeeplyofthe
charming viands ending up with merangs and chocklates," Bernard says "in a
passionate voice Let us now bask under the spreading trees. Oh yes lets said
Ethel.""Ethelhemurmeredinatremblyvoice. [Pgxv]OhwhatisitsaidEthel."

Whatitwas(aswellsheknew)wasloveeternal.Ethelacceptshim,faintsandis
brought back to life by a clever "idear" of Bernard's, who pours water on her.
"She soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile. Take me back to the
'Gaierty' Hotel she whispered faintly. With pleasure my darling said Bernard I
willjustpackupourviandsereIunloosetheboat.Ethelfeltbetterafterafew
drops of champaigne and began to tidy her hair while Bernard packed the
remainsofthefood.Thenarminarmtheytotteredtotheboat,Itrustyouhave
notgotanillnessmydarlingmurmuredBernardashehelpedherin,OhnoIam
verystrongsaidEthelIfaintedfromjoysheaddedtoexplainmatters.OhIsee
saidBernardhandingheracushionwellsomepeopledoheaddedkindly."
"SoIwillendmychapter,"theauthoresssays;andwecanpictureherdoingit
complacently,andslowlypullinginhertongue.
EthelwasmarriedintheAbbey.Her[Pgxvi]weddingdresswas"arichsatinwith


ahumpedpatternofgoldonthepurewhiteandithadalongtrainedgedwith
Airum lillies." "You will indeed be a charming spectacle my darling gasped
Bernard as they left the shop," and I have no doubt she was. She got many
delightful presents, the nicest of all being from her father, who "provided a
chequefor£2andpromisedtosendheradarlinglittlebabycalfwhen ready."
This is perhaps the prettiest touch in the story and should make us all take off
ourhatstotheinnocentwonderingmindthatthoughtofit.
PoorMrSalteena.Hewasatthewedding,dressedinblackandcryingintohis
handkerchief.HoweverherecoveredtoanextentandmarriedAnotherandhad
tenchildren,"fiveofeach,"noneofthemofcourseequaltoEthel'schildren,of
whom in a remarkably short time there were seven, which the authoress
evidentlyconsiderstobetheright"idear."
Itseemstometobearemarkablework[Pgxvii]forachild,remarkableeveninits
lengthandcompleteness,forwhenchildrenturnauthortheyusuallystopinthe
middle, like the kitten when it jumps. The pencilled MS. has been accurately

reproduced, not a word added or cut out. Each chapter being in one long
paragraph,however,thishasbeensubdividedforthereader'scomfort.
J.
BARRIE.

[Pgxix]

CONTENTS


1
2
3
4
5
6

CHAPTER
PREFACE
QUITEAYOUNGGIRL
STARTINGGAILY
THEFIRSTEVENING
MR.SALTEENASPLAN
THECRYSTALPALACE
HIGHLIFE

PAGE
v
23
27

36
41
45
59

M.


7 BERNARDSIDEAR
8
9
10
11
12

[Pg23]

AGAYCALL
APROPOSALE
PREPARINGFORTHEFRAY
THEWEDDING
HOW ITENDED

74
79
88
95
99
102

TheYoungVisiters
CHAPTER1
QUITEAYOUNGGIRL
[GotoTableofContents]

MrSalteenawasanelderlymanof42andwasfondofaskingpeapletostaywith
him.Hehadquiteayounggirlstayingwithhimof17namedEthelMonticue.
Mr Salteena had dark short hair and mustache and wiskers which were very
blackandtwisty.Hewasmiddlesizedandhehadverypaleblueeyes.Hehada
pale brown suit but on Sundays he had a black one and he had a topper every
dayashethorghtitmorebecoming.EthelMonticuehadfairhairdoneonthetop
andblueeyes.Shehadabluevelvitfrockwhichhadgrownrarthershortinthe
sleeves.Shehadablackstrawhatandkidgloves.
[Pg24]

One morning Mr Salteena came down to brekfast and found Ethel had come
downfirstwhichwasstrange.IstheteamadeEthelhesaidrubbinghishands.
Yes said Ethel and such a quear shaped parcel has come for you Yes indeed it
wasaquearshapeparcelitwasahatboxtieddownverytightandaletterstuffed
betweenthestring.WellwellsaidMrSalteenaparcelsdoturnquearIwillread
theletterfirstandsosayinghetoreopentheletterandthisiswhatitsaid
MYDEARALFRED.
IwantyoutocomeforastopwithmesoIhavesentyouatophat
wraped up in tishu paper inside the box. Will you wear it staying
with me because it is very uncommon. Please bring one of your
youngladieswhicheveristheprettiestintheface.
IremainYourstruely
BERNARDCLARK.

[Pg25]

WellsaidMrSalteenaIshalltakeyoutostayEthelandfancyhimsendingmea
tophat.ThenMrS.openedtheboxandtherelaythemostsplendidtophatofa
lovlyrichtonerartherlikegrapeswitharibbonroundcompleat.
Well said Mr Salteena peevishly I dont know if I shall like it the bow of the
ribbonistooflightyformyage.ThenhesatdownandeattheeggwhichEthel
hadsokindlylaidforhim.Afterhehadfinishedhismealhegotdownandbegan
towritetoBernardClarkheranupstairsonhisfatlegsandtookouthisblotter
withaloudsniffandthisiswhathewrote
MYDEARBERNARD
Certinly I shall come and stay with you next Monday I will bring
Ethel Monticue commonly called Miss M. She is very active and
pretty.IdohopeIshallenjoymyselfwithyou.Iamfondofdigging
in the garden and I am parshial to ladies if [Pg 26] they are nice I
supposeitismynature.Iamnotquiteagentlemanbutyouwould
hardlynoticeitbutcantbehelpedanyhow.Wewillcomebythe315.
Youroldandvaludfriend
ALFREDSALTEENA.
Perhaps my readers will be wondering why Bernard Clark had asked Mr
Salteena to stay with him. He was a lonely man in a remote spot and he liked
peapleandpartysbuthedidnotknowmany.WhatrotmutteredBernardClarkas
hereadMrSalteenasletter.Hewasrartherapresumshiousman.
FirstPageofOriginalManuscript
THEFIRSTPAGEOFTHEORIGINALMANUSCRIPT
[Pg27]

CHAPTER2
STARTINGGAILY

[GotoTableofContents]

WhenthegreatmorningcameMrSalteenadidnothaveaneggforhisbrekfast
incaseheshouldbesickonthejorney.
WhattophatwillyouwearaskedEthel.
Ishallwearmybestblackandmywhitealpackacoattokeepoffthedustand
fliesrepliedMrSalteena.
IshallputsomeredrugeonmyfacesaidEthelbecauseIamverypaleowingto
thedrainsinthishouse.
YouwilllookverysillysaidMrSalteenawithadrylaugh.
WellsowillyousaidEthelinasnappytoneandsheranoutoftheroomwitha
verysuperierrunthrowingoutherlegsbehindandherarmsswinginginrithum.
[Pg28]

Wellsaidtheownerofthehouseshehasamostidiotickrun.
PresentlyEthelcamebackinherbesthatandalovlyvelvitcoatofroyalblue.
DoIlookniceinmygetupsheasked.
MrSalteenasurvayedher.Youlookrartherrashmydearyourcolorsdontquite
matchyourfacebutnevermindIamjustgoinguptosaygoodbyetoRosalind
thehousemaid.
Well dont be long said Ethel. Mr S. skipped upstairs to Rosalinds room.
GoodbyeRosalindhesaidIshallbebacksoonandIhopeIshallenjoymyself.
ImakenodoubtofthatsirsaidRosalindwithablushasMrSalteenasilentlyput
2/6onthedirtytoiletcover.
TakecareofyourbronkitissaidMrS.rartherbashfullyandhehastillyleftthe
roomwavinghishandcarelesslytothehousemaid.
ComealongcriedEthelpowderinghernoseinthehallletusgetintothecab.Mr
[Pg29]Salteenadidnotcareforpowderbuthewasanunselfishmansohedashed

intothecab.SitdownsaidEthelasthecabmanwavedhiswhipyouarestanding
onmyluggage.WellIampayingforthecabsaidMrS.soImightbeallowedto
putmyfeetwereIlike.
Theytraveled2ndclassinthetrainandEthelwaslongingtogofirstbutthought


perhaps least said soonest mended. Mr Salteena got very excited in the train
about his visit. Ethel was calm but she felt excited inside. Bernard has a big
housesaidMr.S.gazingatEthelheisinclinedtoberich.
OhindeedsaidEthellookingatsomecowsflashingpastthewindow.Mr.S.felt
rarther disheartened so he read the paper till the train stopped and the porters
shoutedRickamerestation.WehadbettercollectourtrapssaidMrSalteenaand
justthenaveryexaltedfootmaninacockedhatandolivegreenuniformputhis
headinat [Pg30]thewindow.AreyouforRickamereHallhesaidinimpressive
tones.
WellyesIamsaidMrSalteenaandsoisthislady.
VerygoodsirsaidthenoblefootmanifyouwillalightIwillseetoyourluggage
thereisaconvayanceawaitingyou.
OhthankyouthankyousaidMr.S.andheandEthelsteppedalongtheplatform.
Outsidetheyfoundalovelycariagelinedwitholivegreencushonstomatchthe
footman and the horses had green bridles and bows on their manes and tails.
Theygotgingerlyin.WillhebringourluggageaskedEthelnervously.
IexpectsosaidMrSalteenalightingaverylongcigar.
DowetiphimaskedEthelquietly.
WellnoIdontthinksonotyetwehadbetterjustthankhimperlitely.
Just then the footman staggered out with the bagage. Ethel bowed gracefully
over the door of the cariage and Mr S. waved his [Pg 31] hand as each bit of
luggagewashoisteduptomakesureitwasallthere.Thenhesaidthankyoumy
goodfellowverypolitely.Notatallsirsaidthefootmanandtouchinghiscocked
hathejumpedactivelytothebox.

IwasrightnottotiphimwhisperedMrSalteenathethingtodoistoleave2/6
onyourdressingtablewhenyourstayisover.
DoeshefinditaskedEthelwhodidnotreallyknowatallhowtogoonatavisit.
IbeleevesorepliedMrSalteenaanyhowitisquitethecustomandwecanthelp
itifhedoesnot.Nowmydearwhatdoyouthinkofthesceenery
VerynicesaidEthelgazingattherichfurrugonherknees.Justthenthecariage
rolled into a beautifull drive with tall trees and big red flowers growing amid


shinydarkleaves.Presentlythehaughtycoachmanpulledupwithagreatclatter
atahugefrontdoorwithtallpillerseachsideabigironbellandtwoveryclean
scrapers.Thedoorsflungopenasifbymajiccausing [Pg32]Etheltojumpanda
portlybutlerappearedonthescenewithaveryshinyshirtfrontandahugepale
face.WelcomesirheexclaimedgoodnaturedlyasMrSalteenaalightedrarther
quicklyfromtheviacleandpleasetostepinside.
Mr Salteena stepped in as bid followed by Ethel. The footman again struggled
withtheluggageandthebutlerFrancisMinnitbynamekindlylentahand.The
hallwasverybigandhungroundwithgunsandmateandancestersgivingita
gloomybutagrandair.Thebutlerthenshowedthemdownawindingcorridoor
tillhecametoadoorwhichheflungopenshoutingMrSalteenaandaladysir.
Atallmanof29rosefromthesofa.Hewasrartherbentinthemiddlewithvery
nicelonglegsfairishhairandblueeyes.HulloAlfoldboyhecriedsoyouhave
gothereallsafeandnolimbsbroken.
NonethankyouBernardrepliedMrSalteenashakinghandsandletmeintroduce
[Pg33]MissMonticuesheisverypleasedtocomeforthisvisit.Ohyesgasped
Ethelblushingthroughherredruge.Bernardlookedatherkeenlyandturneda
dark red. I am glad to see you he said I hope you will enjoy it but I have not
arrangedanypartysyetasIdontknowanybody.
Dont worry murmered Ethel I dont mix much in Socierty and she gave him a
daintysmile.

IexpectyouwouldlikesometeasaidBernardIwillring.
Yes indeed we should said Mr Salteena egerly. Bernard pealed on the bell and
thebutlercameinwithastatelywalk.
Tea please Minnit crid Bernard Clark. With pleshure sir replied Minnit with a
deep bow. A glorious tea then came in on a gold tray two kinds of bread and
butteralovlyjamroleandlotsofsugarcakes.Ethelseyesbegantosparkleand
shemadeseveralremarksduringthemeal.Iexpect[Pg34]youwouldnowliketo
unpacksaidBernardwhenitwasover.
WellyesthatisrartheranidearsaidMrSalteena.
IhavegiventhebestspareroomtoMissMonticuesaidBernardwithagallant
bow and yours turning to Mr Salteena opens out of it so you will be nice and
friendlyboththeroomshavebigwindowsandahandsomeview.


HowcharmingsaidEthel.YeswellletusgouprepliedBernardandheledthe
wayupmanyawindingstairwaytilltheycametoanoakdoorwithsomelovly
swansandbullrushespaintedonit.Herewearehecriedgaily.Ethelsroomwas
indeed a handsome compartment with purple silk curtains and a 4 post bed
drapedwiththesameshade.Thetoilitsetwaswhiteandmouveandtherewere
somevioletsinacostlyvarse.OhIsaycriedEthelinsupprise.Iam glad you
likeitsaidBernardandherewehaveyoursAlf.Heopened [Pg35]thedividing
doors and portrayed a smaller but dainty room all in pale yellow and wild
primroses.MyownroomisnextthebathroomsaidBernarditisdecerateddark
red as I have somber tastes. The bath room has got a tip up bason and a hose
thingforwashingyourhead.
AgoodnotionsaidMrSalteenawhowassecretlygettingjellus.
HerewewillleaveourfriendstounpackandendthisChapter.
[Pg36]

CHAPTER3

THEFIRSTEVENING
[GotoTableofContents]

WhentheyhadunpackedMrSalteenaandEthelwentdownstairstodinner.Mr
Salteena had put on a compleat evening suit as he thought it was the correct
idearandsomerubystudshehadgotatasale.Ethelhadonadressofyellaw
silkcoveredwithtullewhichwasquiteinthefashionandshehadonanecklace
whichMrSalteenagaveherforabirthdaypresent.Shelookedverybecomeing
andprettyandBernardheavedasighashegaveherhisarmtogointodinner.
The butler Minnit was quite ready for the fray standing up very stiff and
surroundedbytwofootmeningreenplushandcurlywhitewigswhowerecalled
CharlesandHorace.
Well said Mr Salteena lapping up his [Pg
sumpshoushouseBernard.

37]

turtle soup you have a very

Hisfriendgaveawearysmileandswollowedafewdropsofsherrywine.Itis


fairlydecentherepliedwithabashfulglanceatEthelafterourrepastIwillshow
youoverthepremisis.
ManythankssaidMrSalteenagettingrartherflusteredwithhisforks.
YouourghttogiveaballremarkedEthelyouhavesuchlargecompartments.
Yes there is room enough sighed Bernard we might try a few steps and
meanwhileImightgettoknowafewpeaple.
SoyoumightrespondedEthelgivinghimaspeakinglook.
MrSalteenawasgrowingalittlepeevishbuthecheeredupwhenthePortwine

cameonthetableandthebutlerputroundsomecostlyfingerbowls.Hedidnot
haveanyinhisownhouseandhefollowedBernardClarksadviceastowhatto
do with them. After dinner Ethel played some [Pg 38] merry tunes on the piano
and Bernard responded with a rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel
clappedhimagooddeal.ThenMrSalteenaasked afewriddlesas hewasnot
musicle.ThenBernardsaidshallIshowyouovermydomainandtheystrolled
intothegloomyhall.
IseeyouhavealotofancesterssaidMrSalteenainajeloustone,whoarethey.
Well said Bernard they are all quite correct. This is my aunt Caroline she was
rartherexentrickandquiteold.
SoIseesaidMrSalteenaandhepassedontoaladywithaverytightwaistand
quearlyshaped.ThatisMaryAnnFudgemygrandmotherIthinksaidBernard
shewasverywellknowninherday.
WhyaskedEthelwhowasrarthercuriousbynature.
WellIdontquiteknowsaidBernardbutshewasandhemovedawaytothenext
picture.Itwasofamanwithafatsmileyfaceandaredribbonroundhimanda
lot[Pg39]ofmedals.MygreatuncleAmbroseFudgesaidBernardcarelessly.
HelooksathouroughancestersaidEthelkindly.
WellhewassaidBernardinaproudtonehewasreallytheSinistersonofQueen
Victoria.
NotreallycriedEthelinexcitedtonesbutwhatdoesthatmean.
WellIdontquiteknowsaidBernardClarkitpuzzlesmeverymuchbutancesters


doturnquearattimes.
PerapsitmeansgodsonsaidMrSalteenainaninteligentvoice.
WellIdontthinksosaidBernardbutImeantofindout.
ItisverygrandanyhowsaidEthel.
Itisthatrepliedherhostgeniully.
Who is this said Mr Salteena halting at a picture of a lady holding up some

grapesandsmilingagooddeal.
HernamewascalledMinniePilatorespondedBernardshewasrartherfarback
[Pg40]butarealrelationandshewasengagedtotheearlofTullyvardenonlyit
didnotquitecomeoff.
WhatapitycridEthel.
YesitwasrartherrepliedBernardbutshemarridaCaptainintheNavyandhad
sevenchildrensoshewasquitealright.
HereMrSalteenathourghthehadbettergotobedashehadhadalongjornney.
Bernardalwayshadafewprayersinthehallandsomewhiskeyafterwardsashe
wasrartherpiousbutMrSalteenawasnotveryadictedtoprayerssohemarched
uptobed.Ethelstayedasshethourghtitwouldbeagoodthing.Thebutlercame
inashewasaveryholymanandBernardpiouslysaidtheOurFatherandavery
goodhymmcalledIwillkeepmyangerdownandaDecadoftheRosary.Ethel
chimedinquiutlyandFrancisMinnitwasmostdevoutandEthelthourghtwhata
goodholyfamilyshewasstoppingwith.SoIwillendmychapter.
[Pg41]

CHAPTER4
MRSALTEENASPLAN
[GotoTableofContents]


MrSalteenawokeuprartherearlynextdayandwassupprisedanddelightedto
findHoracethefootmanenteringwithacupoftea.
OhthankyoumymansaidMrSalteenarollingoverinthecostlybed.MrClark
isnearlyoutofthebathsiranouncedHoraceIwillhavegreatplesureinturning
itonforyouifsuchisyourdesire.WellyesyoumightsaidMrSalteenaseeingit
wastheidearandHoracegaveaprofoundbow.
EthelareyougettingupshoutedMrSalteena.
VerynearlyrepliedEthelfaintlyfromthenextroom.

IsaysaidMrSalteenaexcitedlyIhavehadsometeainbed.[Pg42]
SohaveIrepliedEthel.
Then Mr Salteena got into a mouve dressing goun with yellaw tassles and
siezinghissoaphewanderedofftothebathroomwhichwasmostsumpshous.It
had a lovly white shiny bath and sparkling taps and several towels arrayed in
readinessbythourghtfulHorace.Italsohadastepforclimbingupthebathand
other good dodges of a rich nature. Mr Salteena washed himself well and felt
very much better. After brekfast Mr Salteena asked Bernard if he could have
somepriviteconversationwithhim.WellyesrepliedBernardifyouwillcome
intomystudywecanhaveafewwords.
CantIcometoomutteredEthelsulkily.
NomydearsaidMrSalteenathisisprivite.
PerhapslaterImighthaveaprivitechatwithyouMissMonticuesaidBernard
kindly.
OhdoletssaidEthel.[Pg43]
ThenBernardandMrS.strolledtothestudyandsatupontwoarmchairs.Fire
awaysaidBernardlightinghispipe.WellIcantexactlydothatsaidMrSalteena
inslowtonesitisaseariousmatterandyoucanadvisemeasyouareathorugh
gentlemanIamsure.
WellyessaidBernardwhatcanIdoforyouehAlf?
YoucanhelpmeperhapstobemorelikeagentlemansaidMrSalteenagetting
rartherhotIamquitealrightastheysaybutIwouldliketobetherealthingcan


itbedoneheaddedslappinghisknees.
IdontquiteknowsaidBernarditmighttakeagoodtime.
MightitsaidMrS.butIwouldslaveforyearsifneedbe.Bernardscratchedhis
head. Why dont you try the Crystal Pallace he asked several peaple Earls and
evendukeshaveprivitecompartmentsthere.
ButIamnotanEarlsaidMrSalteenainapurplexedtone.[Pg44]

TruerepliedBernardbutIunderstandtherearesortofstudentstherewhowant
togetintotheWarOfficeandnotablebanks.
WouldthatbeahelpaskedMrSalteenaegerly.
Well it might said Bernard I can give you a letter to my old pal the Earl of
Clincham who lives there he might rub you up and by mixing with him you
wouldprobablygrowmoreseemly.
Oh ten thousand thanks said Mr Salteena I will go there as soon as it can be
arrangedifyouwouldbesokindastokeepaneyeonEthelwhileIamaway.
OhyessaidBernardImayberunninguptotownforafewdaysandshecould
cometoo.
YouaretookindsaidMrSalteenaandIdontthinkyouwillfindheranytrouble.
NoIdontthinkIshallsaidBernardsheisaprettygirlcheerfulandactive.And
heblushedrartherred.
[Pg45]

CHAPTER5
THECRYSTALPALACE
[GotoTableofContents]

About9oclocknextmorningMrSalteenastoodbaginhandintheancestlehall
waitingfortheviacletoconvayhimtothestation.BernardClarkandEthelwere


seatedsidebysideonacostlysofagazingabstractlyatthepartingguest.Horace
had dashed off to put on his cocked hat as he was going in the baroushe but
FrancisMinnitwasroamingaboutthehallwellpreparedforanydeed.
WellsaidBernardpuffingathismeershumpipeIhopeyouwillgetonAlfIam
sureyouhavethatlittlelettertooldClinchameh
IndeedIhavesaidMrSalteenamanythanksforthesameandIdohopeEthel
willbehaveproperly.[Pg46]

OhyesIexpectshewillsaidBernardwithasigh.
IalwaysdosaidEthelinasnappytone.
Just then there was a great clatter outside and the sound of hoofs and a loud
neigh.ThebaroucheItakeitsaidBernardrisingslowly.
QuitecorrectsirsaidMinnitflingingwidetheportles.
WellgoodbyeAlfoldmansaidBernardClarkgoodluckandGodblessyouhe
addedinapiustone.
Not at all said Mr Salteena I have enjoyed my stop which has been short and
sweetwellgoodbyeEthelmychildhesaidasbaginhandheproceededtothe
door.FrancisMinnitbowedlowandhandedasmallparceltoMrSalteenaafew
sandwighsforthejorneysirheremarked.
OhthisismostkindsaidMrSalteena.
Minnitclosedhiseyeswithatiredsmile.Notkindsirhemutteredquiteusual.
Oh really said Mr Salteena feeling rather [Pg 47] flabergasted well goodbye my
goodfellowandheslipped2/6intothebutlersopenpalm.
Mr Salteena had to travel first class as active Horace ran on to buy the ticket
whichhepresentedwithalowbowtheTimesandTit-Bits.Ohmanythanksmy
mansaidMrSalteenainamostairyvoicenowwillyoufindmeacornerseatin
thetraineh.
IfthereisonesirrepliedHorace.
IngotMrSalteenatohisfirstclasscarragesurroundedbyhisluggagecarefully
piledupbykindlyHorace.Theotherpasengerslookedfullofenvyatthecurly
whitewigandgreenplushuniformofHorace.MrSalteenacrossedhislegsina


lordlywayandflungafurrugoverhiskneesthoughhewashotenoughinall
consciunce.Hebegantofeelthiswasthethinendofthepartitionandhesmiled
ashegentlytappedtheletterinhiscoattailpocket.WhenMrSalteenaarrivedin
[Pg 48] London he began to strolle up the principle streets thinking how gay all
was.PresentlyhebeheldaresterantwithabigMenuoutsideandhewentboldly

in.
It was a sumpshous spot all done up in gold with plenty of looking glasses.
Manyhansomeladiesandgentlemenwerealreadypartakingofchoicefoodand
richwinesandwhiskeyandthescenewasmostlively.MrSalteenahadalittle
whiskeytomakehimfeelmoreathome.Thenheeatsomecurrytothetuneofa
merry valse on the band. He beat time to the music and smiled kindly at the
waiters and he felt very excited inside. I am seeing life with a vengance he
mutteredtohimselfashepaidhisbillatthedesk.OutsideMrSalteenafounda
tallpoliceman.CouldyoudirectmetotheCrystalePallaceifyoupleasesaidMr
Salteenanervously.
Wellsaidthegeniulpolicemanmyadvicewouldbetotakeacabsir.[Pg49]
OhwoulditsaidMrSalteenathenIwilldoso.
HehailedaHansomeandgotspeedilyintotheCrystalPalacehecriedgailyand
holdinghisbagonhiskneeshepreparedtoenjoythesightsoftheMetropilis.It
was a merry drive and all too soon the Palace heaved in view. Mr Salteena
sprangoutandpaidthemanandthenheenteredthewondrousedifice.Hisheart
beatveryfastastwohugemeningoldbraidflungopenthedoors.Insidewasa
lovelyfountaininthemiddleandallroundwerelittlestallswhereyoucouldbuy
sweets and lemonade also scent handkerchiefs and many dainty articles. There
werealotofpeaplebutnobodyverynoteable.
At last after buying two bottles of scent and some rarther nice sweets which
stuck to his teeth Mr Salteena beheld a wooden door on which was nailed a
noticesayingTothePriviteCompartments.
AhhasaidMrSalteenatohimselfthisis [Pg50]evidentlymynextmove,andhe
gentlypushedopenthedoorstraiteninghistophatashedidso.Insidehefound
himself in a dimly lit passage with a thick and handsom carpet. Mr Salteena
gazedroundandbeheldinthegloomaverysuperiergentlemaninfullevening
dress who was reading a newspaper and warming his hands on the hot water
pipes. Mr Salteena advanced on tiptoe and coughed gently as so far the
gentlemanhadpaidnoattention.Howeveratthesecondcoughheraisedhiseyes

inawearyfashion.doyouwantanythingheaskedinamostnoblevoice.
MrSalteenagotveryflustered.WellIamseekingtheEarlofClinchamhebegan
inatremblyvoiceareyoubyanychancehimheaddedmostrespectfully.
NonotexacktlyrepliedtheothermynamehappenstobeEdwardProcurio.Iam
halfitalianandIamtheGroomoftheChambers.[Pg51]
WhatchambersaskedMrSalteenablinkinghiseyes.
ThesesaidEdwardProcuriowavingathinarm.
MrSalteenathennoticedseveralreddoorswithnamesofpeopleoneachone.
OhIseehesaidthenperhapsyoucantellmewheretheEarlofClinchamisto
befound.
At the end of the passage fourth door down said Procurio tritely of course he
maybeoutoneneverknowswhattheyareupto.
IsupposenotsaidMrSalteenainaninterestedtone.
OnecannotgambleonanythingreallysaidProcurioreturningtothehotwater
pipes though of course I know a lot more than most peaple about the inmates
here.
WhatarethehabbitsoftheEarlofClinchamsaidMrSalteena.
ProcuriogaveasmilemanyandvariusherepliedIcantsaymuchinmyposition
[Pg52]butonelivesandlearns.Heheavedasighandshrugedhisshoulders.
WellgooddaysaidMrSalteenafeelingbetterforthechat.
ProcurionoddedinsilenceasMrSalteenatrottedoffdownthepassage.Atlast
hecametoadoorlabelledClinchamEarlofinbigletters.Withabeatingheart
MrSalteenapulledthebellandthedoorswungopenofitsownaccord.Atthe
samemomentacheeryvoicerangoutfromthedistance.ComeinpleaseIamin
thestudyfirstdooronleft.
WithanervousboundMrSalteenaobeydthesedirectionsandfoundhimselfina
small but handsome compartment done in dark green lether with crests on the
chairs. Over the mantlepiece was hung the painting of a lady in a low neck

lookingquitethething.Bythedeskwasseatedatallmanof35withverynice
eyesofatwinklynatureandcurlyhairheworeaquiteplainsuitofpalestgrey


butwell[Pg53]madeandonthetablereposedagreytophatwhichhadevidently
beenonhisheadrecently.Hehadaroseinhisbuttonholealsoasignetring.
HullosaidthispleasantfellowasMr.Salteenawasspellboundonmat.
HulloyourLordShiprespondedourherobowinglowanddroppinghistophat
doIadresstheEarlofClincham.
YoudosaidtheEarlwithahomelysmileandwhodoIadresseh.
OurherobowedagainAlfredSalteenahesaidindeeptones.
OhIseesaidthekindlyearlwellcomeinmymanandtellmewhoyouare.
MrSalteenaseatedhimselfgingerlyontheedgeofacrestedchair.
To tell you the truth my Lord I am not anyone of import and I am not a
gentlemanastheysayheendedgettingveryredandhot.
HavesomewhiskeysaidlordClinchamandhepouredtheliquidintoaglassat
his[Pg54]elbow.Mr.Salteenalappeditupthankfully.
WellmymansaidthegoodnaturedearlwhatIsayiswhatdoseitmatterwecant
allbeoftheBloodroyalcanwe.
NosaidMrSalteenabutIsupposeyouare.
LordClinchamwavedacarelesshand.Asmallportionflowsinmyvienshesaid
but it dose not worry me at all and after all he added piously at the Day of
Judgementwhatwillbetheodds.
MrSalteenaheavedasigh.Iwasthinkingofthisworldhesaid.
OhIseesaidtheEarlbutmyownidearisthatthesethingsareaspifflebefore
thewind.
NotbeinganearlIcantsayansweredourherobutmayIbegyoutoreadthis
letter my Lord. He produced Bernards note from his coat tails. The Earl of
Clinchamtookitinhislongfingers.Thisiswhatheread.
[Pg55]

MYDEARCLINCHAM
Thebearerofthisletterisanoldfriendofminenotquitetheright
side of the blanket as they say in fact he is the son of a first rate
butcherbuthismotherwasadecentfamilycalledHyssoppsofthe
Glensoyouseeheisnotsobadandisdesireusofbeingthecorrect
article. Could you rub him up a bit in Socierty ways. I dont know
muchdetailsabouthimbutnodoubthewillsupplyallyouneed.I
am keeping well and hope you are. I must run up to the
Compartmentsonedayandlookyouup.
Yoursaseveryourfaithfull
friend
BERNARDCLARK.
TheEarlgaveaslightcoughandgazedatMrSalteenathourghtfully.
Haveyoumuchmoneyheaskedandareyoupreparedtospendagooddeal.
OhyesquitegaspedMrSalteenaIhaveplentyinthebankand£10inreadygold
inmypurse.[Pg56]
YouseethesecompartmentsarethehauntsoftheAristockracysaidtheearland
theyarekeptgoingbypeaplewhohavegotsomethingfunnyintheirfamilyand
whowanttobelessmereifyoucancomprehend.
IndeedIcansaidMrSalteena.
PersonallyIamabitparshialtomerepeoplesaidhisLordshipbutthepointis
thatwechargeagoodlysumforourtrainingherebuthoweverifyoucantpay
youneednotjoin.
IcanandwillproclaimedMrSalteenaandheplaceda£10noteonthedesk.His
Lordshipslippeditinhistrouserpocket.Itwillbe£42beforeIhavedonewith
youhesaidbutyoucanpaymehereandthereasconvenient.
OhthankyoucriedMrSalteena.
Not at all said the Earl and now to bissness. While here you will live in

compartmentsinthebasementknownasLowerRange.Youwillgetmanyhints
from the Groom of the Chambers as to clothes and [Pg 57] ettiquett to menials.
YouwillmixwithmeforgrammerandImighttakeyououthuntingorshooting


sometimes to give you a few tips. Also I have lots of ladies partys which you
willattendoccasionally.
MrSalteenaseyesflashedwithexcitement.Ishallenjoythathecried.
HisLordshipcoughedloudly.Youmaynotmarrywhileunderinstructionhesaid
firmly.
OhIshallnotneedtothankyousaidMrSalteena.
YoumustalsodecideonaprofeshionsaidhisLordshipasyourinstructionwill
varyaccording.
CouldIbeanythingatBuckinghamPallacesaidMrSalteenawithflashingeyes.
Oh well I dont quite know said the noble earl but you might perhaps gallopp
besidetheroyalbarousheifyoucaretotry.
OhindeedIshouldcriedMrSalteenaIamveryfondoffreshairandroyalties.
Wellsaidtheearlwithaknowingsmile [Pg58]Imightarrangeitwiththeprince
ofWaleswhoIamrartherintimatewith.
NotreallygaspedMrSalteena.
Dearmeyesremarkedtheearlcarelesslyandifwedecideforyoutogalloppby
theroyalviacleyoumustbemesuredforsomeplushknickerbockersatonce.
MrSalteenaglancedathisrartherfatlegsandsighed.
WellImustgooutnowandcallonafewDowigerssaidhisLordshippickingup
hiselegenttophat.Wellaurevoirheaddedwithagoodfrenchaccent.
AdieumyLordcriedMrSalteenanottobeoutdonewemeetanonItakeit.
Nottilltomorrowansweredtheearlyouwillnowproceedtothelowerregions
whereyouwillnodoubtfindtea.Henoddedkindlyandglidedoutinsilence.
HereIwillendmychapter.
[Pg59]