Stll a family a guide to good parenting through drivorce

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STILL A
FAMILY
A Guide to
Good
Parenting
Through Divorce

Dr. L i sa Re né Reyn o l ds

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Reynolds, Lisa René.
Still a family : a guide to good parenting through divorce / Lisa René Reynolds.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN-13: 978-0-8144-1296-1
ISBN-10: 0-8144-1296-3
1. Children of divorced parents--United States--Psychology. 2. Divorced parents-United States--Psychology. I. Title.
HQ777.5.R49 2009
306.8740973--dc22
2008035287
© 2009 Lisa René Reynolds
All rights reserved.
Printed in the United States of America.
This publication may not be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in
whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of AMACOM, a division
of American Management Association, 1601 Broadway, New York, NY 10019.
Printing number
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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Contents
Foreword

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xiii

Acknowledgments. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xvii

Introduction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
Chapter ➊  The Bad News and the Good News . . . and
How to Make More of the Good News. . . . . 5
Case Studies. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
“Bonnie”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
“Rich and Lynne” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
“Julie and Billy” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
How to Avoid Negative Verbal Exchanges
That Hurt Your Children. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
Don’t Fight in Front of the Kids . . . . . . . . . . . 15
Keep the Children’s Best Interests
as the Focal Point in All Discussions. . . . . . . . 17
Give Up Control over the Other Parent’s
Parenting. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
Use “I Statements” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
Be Flexible . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
Remember to Mention the Good Stuff. . . . . . 21
Chapter ➋ Reducing the Risk of Traumatizing Your
Children. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
How to Tell Your Children About the Divorce. . . . 24
Who Should Tell the Children . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
When to Tell the Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Where to Tell the Children. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27


S T I LL A FAMILY

What to Tell the Children. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
Once You’ve Told Your Children About
the Divorce. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36

Accept Initial Reactions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
Help Your Kids Deal with Their Feelings. . . . . 37
Lean on Friends and Family (and Even Your
Ex-Spouse) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40
Consider Contacting Other Important People. . . 42
Don’t Be a Cheerleader. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
Chapter ➌  Taking Care of Yourself . . . for Your Kids. . . . 47
Understanding the Nature of Stress. . . . . . . . . . . 48
Causes of Stress in a Divorce and How to
Minimize Them . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51
Compensating for an Absent Parent. . . . . . . . 51
Handling the Financial Strains. . . . . . . . . . . . 54
Dealing with an Increase in Fighting . . . . . . . 55
Lacking the Support of Family and Friends. . . 56
Worrying About the Future . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
Continuing to Live with an Ex-Spouse. . . . . . . 58
Dealing with Mental Health or Substance–
Abuse Issues. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60
Having Concerns About an Ex-Spouse’s
New Significant Other. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62
Relieving Stress. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65
Take a Parenting Class Early On. . . . . . . . . . 66
Take Care of Personal Issues. . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
Don’t Always Listen to Others. . . . . . . . . . . . 67
Make Time for Yourself. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 68

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Chapter ➍ Managing Parenting Time with Your
Children and Ex-Spouse. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77
Recent Trends in Divorce Involving Children. . . . . 77
A New Language and a New Mind-Set. . . . . 77
The Increased Involvement of Fathers
in Parenting. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78
Shared Parenting. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78
More Regular Involvement with the Children. 79
Problems with Parenting Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79
The Individualized Needs of the Children . . . 80
Equal Parenting Time When One Parent
Is Less Involved. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82
Failure to Follow the Parenting Plan. . . . . . . . 82
The “Play Land Parent”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 84
What to Do If . . .  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87
A Child Refuses to Go with a Parent . . . . . . . 87
A Child Misses the Other Parent . . . . . . . . . . 91
A Child Manipulates or Lies to Parents. . . . . . 91
A Child Is Irritable upon His or Her Return
from a Visit. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93
One Parent Lives Far Away. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95
Two Important Rules of Parenting Time . . . . . . . . 97
Do Not Make Plans on the Other
Parent’s Time. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97
Do Not Take Parenting Time Away
as a Punishment. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98
Limited Parenting Time. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98

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Practical Ideas to Help Parenting Time
Go More Smoothly. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101
Plan Ahead. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101
Respect the Other Parent’s Time . . . . . . . . . 101
Get Organized. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102
Let Go of the Notion of Perfection. . . . . . . . 102
When in Doubt, Ask the Other Parent
for Suggestions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
Allow Comfort Items and Toys to Travel with
Your Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
Don’t Overspend or Overindulge
Your Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
Make Your Home Comfortable . . . . . . . . . . 104
Keep the Other Parent Updated . . . . . . . . . 104
Chapter ➎ Questions That Divorcing Parents Ask. . . . 107
When Only One Parent Is Helping Children
Cope with Divorce. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107
(Failed) Marriage Memorabilia and Closure. . . 109
What (and How Much) to Tell Children
About the Reasons for a Divorce. . . . . . . . . . . . 113
Helping Children When One Parent Has a
Hard Time Handling the Divorce. . . . . . . . . . . . 115
When Children Don’t Agree That the Divorce
Is for the Best . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118

When One Parent Begins to Date . . . . . . . . . . . 120
Opposing Approaches to Parenting. . . . . . . . . . 122
Sex Between Divorcing Mates. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124
Children’s Differing Responses to a Divorce. . . . 126

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Chapter ➏  The Biggest Mistakes Divorcing Parents
Make (and How Not to Make Them). . . . . 129
Ending the Marriage Too Quickly. . . . . . . . . . . 129
Criticizing the Other Parent in Front
of the Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131
Fighting in Front of the Children. . . . . . . . . . . . .132
Making Erroneous Assumptions. . . . . . . . . . . . . 134
Completely Cutting Off from a Child. . . . . . . . . 135
Using the Wrong Words . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137
Using the Child as an Informant or a Spy. . . . . . 138
Using the Child as a Confidante . . . . . . . . . . . . 141
Forcing Children to Choose Sides . . . . . . . . . . . 142
Failing to Be Consistent in Payment
of Child Support. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 144
Giving in to Children’s Manipulation. . . . . . . . . 145
Failing to Follow Through with Agreed-Upon
Pickups and Drop-Offs. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 148
Chapter ➐ S

 pecial Issues for Infants, Toddlers,
and Preschoolers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 151
The Developmental Features of Infancy. . . . . . . 152
Secure Attachment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 152
Communication. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 154
Stranger Anxiety. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 156
Safety Issues. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159
Developmental Features of the
Toddler Phase. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 163
Mobility . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 163
Independence and Discipline. . . . . . . . . . . . 164

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Consistency. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 165
Fears. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 166
Regressive Behaviors. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 167
Storytelling. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 169
The Developmental Features of the
Preschooler Phase. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 170
Fantasy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 171
Empathy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173
Demanding. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173
Ability to Reason. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 174
Imitation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178
Chapter ➑ Special Issues for School-Age Children. . . 181
The Developmental Features of the

School-Age Phase. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 182
Expanded Number of Attachment Figures. . 182
Pride in Accomplishments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 184
Concrete Thinking. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 185
More Judgmental and Critical of Self
and Others. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 187
Increased Self-Reliance. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189
Increased Egocentrism. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191
Fear of Abandonment. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 194
When to Worry. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197
When the Child Withdraws from Previously
Enjoyed Activities or Friends . . . . . . . . . . . . 197
When the Child Becomes a Miniparent
Toward a Parent or Siblings. . . . . . . . . . . . . 198

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When the Child Begins to Hit Himself
or Herself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 198
When the Child Experiences a Significant
Drop in Grades. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 199
When the Child Acts Out Behaviorally. . . . . 199
Questions Divorcing Parents Should Discuss. . . . 200
Will one (or both) parent(s) be responsible for
talking to the child about important topics

such as sex or drug and alcohol use?. . . . . . . . 200
What is an appropriate age for the child
to be left alone? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200
What is an acceptable age for dating? . . . . 201
What are the rules at each parent’s home
regarding television and computer usage?. . 201
Will the parents agree to have consequences
in both households for poor behavior? . . . . 202
Are parents willing to discuss and decide on
who gets what birthday or other holiday gift
for a child before purchasing it? . . . . . . . . . 202
What is the normal bedtime at each home? . . . 202
What constitutes a “good enough” reason
for a child to miss parenting time with
one parent?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 203
How does the after-school ritual run at
each home?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 203
How does each parent feel about keeping
secrets from the other parent?. . . . . . . . . . . 204
How will each parent bring up the idea of
dating and introducing a new partner
to the child? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 204

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Chapter ➒ Special Issues for Adolescents. . . . . . . . . . 207
The Developmental Features of Adolescence. . . 208

The Desire to Detach from Parents. . . . . . . . 209
The Increasing Importance of Peers. . . . . . . 210
The Need to Challenge Authority . . . . . . . . 211
The Prevalence of Opinionated Thinking . . . 212
Understanding Self-Absorbed Behavior. . . . 213
All Grown Up? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 214
The Adolescent’s Need to Be Loved. . . . . . . . . . 215
Questions Parents Should Ask Each Other. . . . . 218
Different Rules for Different Households . . . . . . 219
Who’s the Parent Here?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 221
Expressing Feelings. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 227
When to Worry. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 232
Chapter ➓ From the Mouths of Babes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 235
Stages of Grief and Death. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 236
Different Timelines for Grief and Adjustment. . . 237
The Little Things Count. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 239
Things That Hurt Kids Most . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 240
“They just fight all the time and I just want
to run away when they do. I hate to hear
them fighting.” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 241
“My mom always tries to tell me that my
dad is trying to get me away from her
so I won’t ever see her anymore. It makes
me scared to think about that.”. . . . . . . . . . 241
“My dad tells me to tell my mom stuff when
I go home to her house.”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 242

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“Stop saying mean things about Mom. It
makes me feel bad, even if I know the things
you’re saying about her are true.” . . . . . . . 242
“It hurts me when you hurt Mom.”. . . . . . . . 243
“I wish he [my dad] wouldn’t get mad when
I tell my mom stuff about my visits with him.
Why should I have to keep secrets? I should
be able to talk about what happened if I
want, you know, because it’s my life too.” . . . . 243
“This is not fair.”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 244
“I’m never going to my dad’s house again
unless he gives me a later bedtime.” . . . . . . 244
“The only person who understands me is
Mr. Keith, my math teacher.”. . . . . . . . . . . . 245
“I hate when Mommy cries.”. . . . . . . . . . . . 245
“I wish they [my parents] would stop asking
me to talk to them. I just don’t want to talk
about it right now.”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 246
“I hate Mommy.”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 247
“I can’t go with Daddy because Mommy
needs me.”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 247
Common Questions Children Ask (and Some
Simple Responses). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 248
“Will I have a new mommy or daddy?”. . . . 248
“Why don’t I see my cousin Rachel
anymore?”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 248

“Will Daddy love his new children more
than me?”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 249
“If I promise to be really good, will you get
back together?” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 249
“Do I have to like Mom’s new boyfriend?”. . . . 249

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“Why can’t the dog come back and forth
with me to Mom’s and Dad’s?”. . . . . . . . . . 250
“But if Dad lets me do it, why can’t you?”. . . 250
“Do you still love Daddy?” . . . . . . . . . . . . . 250
“Why did Mommy leave us?” . . . . . . . . . . . 250
“When will dad stop acting like a jerk?”. . . 251
“Why do you hate Mommy so much?”. . . . . 251
“Why are you and Mom getting a
divorce?”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 251
Afterword . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 253
Appendix A: Resources for Divorcing Parents. . . . . . . 255
Appendix B: Common Mistakes Divorcing
Parents Make . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 261
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 265

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Foreword

In my thirty years as a lawyer, I have represented mothers,

fathers, and children in more than a thousand divorce cases and

child custody proceedings. During this time I have seen a high
correlation between parental conflicts and emotional problems in
their children. But I have also seen many cases where parents were

able to control the conflict so that the children were not involved,
and in most of these cases there were no reports of the children
experiencing emotional difficulties.

During these thirty years, I have read many books about

divorce and its effects on parents and their children and have,
in fact, authored one myself. Some of those books were written

by lawyers, others by psychiatrists, and still others by psycholo-

gists. Many of the books written by lawyers focus on helping the
parent or lawyer win custody. Many of those written by psychia-

trists or psychologists criticize lawyers and the legal system (in
part because of that unfortunate win-lose mentality), and they

encourage parents to settle custody disputes rather than put chil-

dren through the process of a contested divorce. Although those
books may have a place in the libraries of lawyers and judges, they
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are, for the most part, of limited use to people coming to grips
with their own divorce.

Still a Family, by Dr. Lisa Rene Reynolds, who is a licensed

marriage and family therapist, has a very different bent. Why?

Perhaps because Dr. Reynolds, who also teaches parentingeducation courses to divorcing parents for the state of Connecticut, has a unique perspective.

Many years ago, the state of Connecticut mandated that

all parents getting divorced attend six hours of parenting education, whether there were disagreements about the children

or not. Many divorce lawyers cynically believed that the man-

date was a therapists’ relief bill. However, a look back at over a

decade of parenting education shows it has helped. But because
six hours in a group class only scratches the surface, it hasn’t
helped enough.

That’s why Still a Family was written to advise parents as to

how to help their children through their divorce. Those who follow Dr. Reynolds’s recommendations will discover that the divorce
process need not be as painful for their children as conventional
wisdom suggests it is. They will also find that they have become

better parents and that their children have a much better chance
of living healthy, happy, and successful lives.

Chapter 1 discusses the widely reported negative effects of

divorce on children. The chapter puts those effects into context

and wisely points out that although studies report general effects,

there are many children who survive divorce without damage.
Three case studies are a prelude to some basic, commonsense
“rules” for avoiding the harm that comes from negative exchanges
in front of the children.

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F OREWORD

Chapter 2 focuses on reducing the risk of traumatizing your

children. It gives helpful advice about topics such as how to tell

the children about the divorce, who should tell them, when to tell

them, and what to tell them.

Chapter 3 addresses a topic new to divorce primers: the

importance of taking care of yourself. I often counsel parents that

sometimes divorce can be an emotional war of attrition. I tell cli-

ents who are emotionally fragile that help from a mental health

professional can be extremely helpful in surviving that war. The
chapter discusses this and much more.

Chapter 4 offers good advice about how to structure parent-

ing time, as well as what to do if a child wants to spend more
or less time with the other parent. Chapters 5 through 10 pose
and answer frequently asked questions in divorce, discuss the big-

gest mistakes divorcing parents make and how to avoid them, and
address the age-specific issues children encounter during divorce.

If you want to learn how to win custody, Still a Family is not

the book for you. If you are certain that divorce is about punishing your spouse and minimizing his or her relationship with your
children, again this is not the book you’re looking for.

If, on the other hand, you are seriously concerned about

your children and want to do everything possible to ensure that

they suffer as little as possible from the divorce, this is the book

you should read. When you’re finished, read it again. Tell your
divorce lawyer you’ve read it, and discuss how following its sug-

gestions could affect your divorce case. (Because each divorce

case is different, some of Dr. Reynolds’s suggestions may not
necessarily be the course to take in particular instances.) Listen
to your lawyer’s advice, and make educated decisions about how
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to proceed. Two of those decisions might very well be to give a
copy of this book to your ex-spouse and to agree to try to follow

its suggestions. You, your spouse, and, most of all, your children,
will be very happy that you did.

—Gaetano “Guy” Ferro, nationally recognized matrimonial
and family lawyer and former president of the
American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML)

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Acknowledgments

Many thanks to all the divorcing parents and their children

with whom I have worked over the years; it is only through your

shared experiences and struggles that I could write this book.
Kudos to all the divorcing parents who have gone “above and
beyond” in order to ensure the security and comfort of their

children during this difficult time. I want to also acknowledge all
the parents I’ve worked with who were on the brink of divorce but

worked extraordinarily hard to save their marriages, much to the

delight of their children—especially to L. H. and M. H., M. B.
and M. B., K. M. and J. C., and L. N. and R. N.

Thank you to all the professionals in the field who supported

the idea for this guide and gave feedback along the way: Dr.
Dan O’Connell; Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.; attorney Guy
Ferro; and attorney Cecilia Buck-Taylor.

Thank you to the first literary agent who expressed such sup-

port and need for this book and pointed me in the right direction, Susan Schulman, and to the second, Tracy Howell, who

unexpectedly passed away before being able to guide this book
to completion. Thank you also to Michael Vaughn for his initial

editing help.

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A most heartfelt thank-you to my current agent, Regina Ryan,

who worked tirelessly to find the perfect “home” for my work and
for the extraordinary amount of time and effort she spent editing
and helping me focus my proposal.

Thanks to the entire team at AMACOM for its belief in

this work and for seeing to the book’s publication. I’d also like to
acknowledge and thank Bob Nirkind, who improved the manuscript through his tireless editing and excellent suggestions.

Thank you, as always, to the faculty at Nova Southeastern

University and especially to Dr. Christopher Burnett for helping
me learn the intricacies of writing through the dissertation process and serving as a great sounding board and friend. Thank you

also to Drs. Barry Duncan and Scott Miller for the inspiration to
write what I feel strongly about and for their continued professional stimulation.

Last, thank you to my entire family once again for bearing

with me as I wrote and researched for innumerable hours to com-

plete this book. Without your help and support, I could never
“juggle” as I do! I love you!

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Introduction

It is 8:45

a.m.

on a rainy Saturday morning. Twenty-five new

faces stare at me from around a large conference table. Some

expressions are hard and resentful, others are sad and anxious.
There are more than a few people suffering from the pernicious

blend of too much crying and too little sleep. Many look curious,
wondering what will happen in this room over the next six
hours.

This is how the Parent Education Program (PEP) begins each

week. I teach this six-hour mandatory class for Connecticut parents who are seeking a divorce (or separation if the parents were
never legally married). My experience in these classes is why I
decided to write this book.

Although more states are instituting these mandatory pro-

grams for divorcing parents, the six-hour class is never quite ade-

quate for addressing all the struggles the participants present to
me. Divorcing parents have so many questions and such a wealth

of stories and experience among them; this book focuses on the
areas that divorcing parents grapple with most. I address the ques-

tions that people ask over and over again in each class. The details
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S T I LL A FA MILY

may change from family to family, but the core issues are almost
always the same among families experiencing a divorce.

Most people use the old axiom, “About half of all marriages

don’t make it,” as their reference for divorce rates. Indeed, the

divorce rate in the United States is most often cited as about 50
percent for first marriages, 67 percent for second marriages, and

74 percent for third marriages. These numbers not only are difficult to accurately gauge, but are probably quite understated. They

do not take into account the divorces that occur in states that

do not track such statistics (e.g., California, Colorado, Indiana,
and Louisiana do not gather or report rates of divorce). Addition-

ally, the divorce rate is based solely on legal, registered marital
unions but doesn’t count gay relationships or unmarried, cohabitating couples that produce offspring. In fact, the Children’s Fund
reports that one in three American children is born to unmarried
parents (2004 Key Facts About American Children).

In 2007, 4,710,010 adult Americans divorced. Divorce knows

no borders. Couples from various ethnic, religious, and socioeconomic backgrounds go through the ordeal of relationship dissolution. In each of these cases, the littlest victims are the chil-

dren, and much of the research on children of divorce supports
the belief that the process often negatively affects them. There are

over one million American children involved in new divorces each
year who need their parents to do the right thing.

The changes a divorce brings to a family will be an adjustment

for all children. Divorce can be devastating for them, but there are

many things parents can do to make the experience less traumatic
and painful. That’s one reason why this book focuses on how the
child and the parents experience divorce at the child’s various ages
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I N T ROD UCTION

and developmental stages. Additionally, the book offers parents
practical suggestions as to how to handle common situations with

the child and ideas for what to do and how to do it in order to ease
the pain of divorce for a child.

When I shared the title of this book with a trusted and

respected mentor and expert in the field, she revealed to me that

her own parents divorced when she was a child. She said that the

title—Still a Family—was very upsetting to her because this was,
in fact, not the case in her family; after the divorce, her family unit
disintegrated. So for all parents reading this book who are going

through a divorce, please remember that there is nothing worse

for a child than feeling as if he or she has lost a family—on top of
the normal adjustment and grief that comes along with the family

changes following a divorce. Although your relationship with the
other parent will significantly change through the divorce pro-

cess, you will both remain parents forever. Although divorce will
alter your family system, you as parents must work hard to rebuild
some sort of new relationship network for the child, and this will

be your new “family.”

No two divorces are the same, and alas, no two families are the

same either. For this reason, no step-by-step recipe exists for how
to divorce so that children do not suffer. Still, my goal is that this

book will help you through each step of your divorce. The stories

are real, although I have changed identifying data and specifics in
order to protect the identity of the people involved. The sugges-

tions are well-researched, and they are tested in tried-and-true

cases by real parents. I hope you will read this book with great care

and hold its message closely; your efforts will go far in helping support
your child through this very difficult time.
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➊
The Bad News and the Good News . . .
and How to Make More of the
Good News

The potential negative effects of divorce on children are

well documented. Over the years, there have been many research
studies on the impact divorce has on children from such wellrespected sources as Harvard University Press, the Journal of

Early Adolescence, the Journal of the American Academy of Child

and Adolescent Psychiatry, the Journal of Marriage and the Family,
and the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage. The majority of the
findings include substantial evidence that children of divorce, as a
group, may experience more difficulty in school, more behavioral
issues, more social problems, more fighting with parents, more

promiscuity, lower self-esteem, and more adjustment issues than
children in intact homes. There are also indications that children

of divorced parents (“children of divorce”) can carry their negative

experiences into adulthood, where these experiences can seriously
affect their lives and romantic relationships. Adult children of

divorce frequently report having commitment difficulties due to

memories of their own parents’ bad relationships and breakups.
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S T I LL A FAMILY

These adults may also have poorer communication skills and

lower trust levels in their relationships because their own parents
did not model those traits.

However, these enhanced risks are generalities and do not speak

to any individual child. In fact, numerous studies acknowledge that

many children of divorce function just as well as their counterparts.
Indeed, some children of divorce may fare even better than children

in intact homes, especially when there is chronic violence, fighting,
or other dysfunction in the latter. But as a whole, children of divorce

are statistically more at risk for several (possibly long-term) problems. By deciding to divorce, parents inevitably increase the chances
their children will experience such problems.

Parents in my divorce classes frequently get defensive when

we discuss the increased risks for children whose parents divorce.
These parents ask, “Aren’t the negative effects on kids worse if

the parents stay together in a bad marriage than if they divorce?”
Certainly, it is not healthy to raise children in a household where
parents are continually in conflict or are violent. The negative

effects on these children, however, are very different from those
that occur when parents choose to divorce. For example, a child
from a divorced family may feel abandoned by the parent who

has moved out of the house. A child from an intact family with

volatile parental interaction will not experience abandonment but

perhaps will feel a great deal of stress or nervousness in the home
and ultimately anger toward his or her parents.

The bad news is that all children of divorce experience some pain

and loss from the breakup of their parents’ marriage. This is not negotiable or preventable. Even when there may be some sense of relief (as

in cases where there was direct abuse, neglect, or continual conflict),
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