Tài liệu Truyện cười bằng tiếng anh -2 docx

Truyện cười bằng tiếng anh -2


Boss


A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The
shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch
and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot
can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the
startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the
other two call him boss!"

Some Quotes


Fatherhood is pretending that the present you love
most is soap-on-a-rope.
- Bill Cosby
I went on a diet - had to go on two diets at the same
time 'cause one diet wasn't giving me enough food.
- Barry Marter

I love being married I was single for a long time and I just got so sick of
finishing my own sentences.
- Brian Kiley

You are not a kid anymore when you are obsessed with the thermostat.
- Jeff Foxworthy

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you
have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck






A Real Hero!

Sunday, I had a near death experience that has
changed me forever.
I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine
until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried
with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just
when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup.
When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to
bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager
came and unplugged it.

Thank G-d for Real Heros!









Thank you for flying Dufus Air


These are actual (or reported) humorous statements
by airline flight crew members. And if they didn't
say these, I'm sure they thought them really loudly.
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray
tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable

position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact
a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the
airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the
birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and
raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please
stay inside the plane till we land it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on


the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us,
some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft

is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes
to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the
aircraft."

Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like
children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight."

Upon landing hard, one pilot got on the PA system and said, "Sorry for the
hard landing, folks. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It
was the asphalt."