The Corporate America Survival Guide pot

The Corporate America Survival Guide
Published by Piers T. Benjamin
Copyright © 2012 Piers T Benjamin
Smashwords Edition
All Rights Reserved
Cover Photo:
New York State of Mind, by Andy Gee
/>Copyright © 2012 used via Creative Commons
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold
or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person,
please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did
not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to
Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard word
of the author.
Biography
Piers T. Benjamin is just another corporate drone trying to get by, but he knows
better than to believe the hype his employer spits out every weekday. He wears a suit and
tie, has an MBA from a top business school, and works in a major American city. He is
married to a beautiful blond trophy wife, has 2.5 kids, lives in the suburbs, drives a
luxury SUV, and plays golf at the country club. If you look around, you may even find
that he is sitting in the cubicle right next to you.
Follow Piers at:

/>“If you look annoyed all the time, people think you’re busy.”
George Costanza
“Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do”
Oscar Wilde
“America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set
a speed record getting there.”
Laurence J. Peter

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that
one's work is terribly important.”
Bertrand Russell
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
Jerome K. Jerome
“Being busy does not always mean real work.”
Thomas Edison
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty
miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you're just sitting still?”
J. Paul Getty
“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the
morning and does not stop until you get into the office.”
Robert Frost
“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.”
Mark Twain
“If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a
clean desk?”
Laurence J. Peter
Table of Contents
Introduction
Lesson 1: Corporations do not have souls.
Lesson 2: It’s a game. Keep score.
Lesson 3: Never be the person who cares the most.
Lesson 4: Synergy is a dirty word.
Lesson 5: Once you leave, you’re dead to us.
Lesson 6: When in doubt, nod and smile.
Lesson 7: Let your freak flag fly.
Lesson 8: Bathroom Stalls; the new corner office.
Lesson 9: Your boss has no life.
Lesson 10: Corporate culture is a myth.

Lesson 11: If you do the job too well, you’ll never get promoted.
Lesson 12: Everybody panic!!
Lesson 13: It’s their shit.
Lesson 14: The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Don’t squeak.
Lesson 15: It’s not like anyone died on the operating table.
Lesson 16: After five, my life is mine.
Lesson 17: Fuck it.
Introduction
Ok, let’s just put this out on the table. For most of us, Corporate America is a
soul-crushing, unimaginative, alternate universe where the laws of common sense and
reason don’t apply and busywork is rewarded with inflated egos and long titles. It’s like
Alice in Wonderland, except CEOs in the United States sit in luxurious conference rooms
and drink coffee instead of attending the Mad Hatter’s tea party (they do dress alike,
though, and I’d love to see top hats and pocket watches come back in fashion).
Odds are, that’s why you picked up this book. Every now and then (perhaps every
day), there is this moment of clarity where you probably shake your head and laugh, or
yell, or cry at the insanity of it all. Maybe it’s in your car, or during lunch. Maybe it’s at
happy hour, or at dinner with your spouse or partner. Regardless, we all want to know
that we’re not the only one who feels this way.
Trust me, you’re not.
This book was written for two reasons; first, to help you cope and know that there
are others like you out there. People with real lives that are more important than what’s
going on at the office. People who know that a job is just a job and that when we shuffle
off this mortal coil, our last dying thought will not be, “I should’ve finished that report
for Patterson.” It amazes me how easy it is for all of us to get sucked into believing that
work is the driving force behind our essence and being, and hopefully this book with
bring you back into reality with a sense of humor and irreverence for your employer.
Secondly, I hope this book will truly help you cope with your job and keep things
into perspective. Although much of this text is tongue-in-cheek, there are some kernels of
truth to each of these lessons, all of which can be applied to your daily life. Some of these

I’ve learned myself through decades in the corporate world. Others have been wisely
handed-down to me from the most unlikely people – those corporate cogs who never
seem (or want) to climb the corporate ladder.
That guy who always has a “meeting” at 4:00 every day and has had the same job
for 15 years without a care in the world? Management doesn’t like him, but he may be
your office Yoda in disguise. There’s a reason he’s able to shrug everything off, actually
go on vacation without checking his blackberry 12 times a day, and is up-to-date on pop
culture.
The bottom line is this; somewhere between this guy and being a stressed-out,
unhealthy Type A overachiever, there’s a middle ground. Maybe this book will help you
find it.
Lesson 1: Corporations do not have souls.
Thanks to technology, the media, and the pursuit of the almighty dollar, the
human race can pretty much spin anything to tug at our collective heartstrings.
Advertising has existed ever since cavemen tried to trade clubs for food back before we
developed language. However, we’ve gotten much better at it since then. It’s probably
safe to assume that shortly after the printing press was created, someone came up with the
idea of printing information on paper to convince people to buy something. With the
dawn of radio, we learned how to weave ads into radio plays and shows. It probably
wasn’t long before Little Orphan Annie was on the air before someone realized that all
those kids across America would also be willing to listen to her ramble about all the
vitamins and great taste in Ovaltine. Not surprisingly, it worked, and so the trend
continued into the TV age, where it really grew legs and sprinted through the second half
of the 20
th
Century. In the 1990’s, we pumped it full of steroids, unleashed it onto the
internet, and made money hand over fist. Today, we’re figuring out how to take that one
step further as advertising and selling crap move into the new realm of mobile
technology, including smartphones and tablet computers.
Along the way, Corporate America’s ability to market consumer goods has been

drastically refined to a frighteningly mind-reading status. What once was a dull butter
knife soon became honed into a razor-sharp samurai sword, and is now continuing to
evolve into a laser that can target the part of your brain that wants to buy this season’s
trendy handbag all the way from China, and can do so while you sleep.
But what does advertising have to do with corporations? Other than the fact that
ads make us want to buy crap we don’t need (and never even knew existed), what’s the
point? How did we get here?
Well, the ever-growing ability of advertisers and marketers to influence your
opinions and views has moved in recent decades beyond just getting us to buy stuff.
Years of proven research around consumer behavior (“behavioral psychology for
business”) has seeped into other areas of the corporate world. Originally, advertising’s
sole purpose was to move products. However, it wasn’t long before that role expanded
into what businesses and producers of consumer products now think of as “brand
management.” In other words, what does brand XYZ mean to you? How does that
particular toothpaste make you feel about yourself? What emotional responses do you
have to that soda you buy religiously? Won’t the Joneses be jealous of your brand-new
luxury car and the 83 inch LCD television you just installed with 32 speakers of surround
sound?
In fact, corporations have gotten so good at this, they’ve learned how to create an
identity for a product out of thin air. More importantly, once that brand is developed and
firmly planted in the minds of consumers, businesses stretch that identity across products,
creating a whole “experience” or “lifestyle” (their terms, not mine) that sucks you in until
you find yourself shelling out more money for extra stuff that’s kinda related, but not
really, to the original stuff you bought but didn’t need. It’s pure genius and it’s why
we’ve all become such good little consumers. It’s also why the vast majority of the U.S.
economy is dependent on consumer spending (aka; all that useless junk you and I buy
every weekend to make ourselves feel better about our lives).
Naturally, Corporate America took notice of this amazing fortune and thought,
“hmmm…”
And like anything else, this is where the real trouble starts.

During the post-World War II era of the late 1940’s and 50’s, businesses sold
stuff and achieved success at an amazing rate. Along with that success came the very real
and urgent need for those businesses to grow and expand. Hire more people, set up more
offices, and conquer the world!! It makes perfect sense. After all, the Allies had just
defeated Nazi Germany, so it’s certainly understandable why everyone in America felt
good about the future.
The problem is that whenever businesses grow to the point where they require
multiple locations, offices, and departments, things tend to get disjointed. At the time, the
look and feel of the CEO’s office and headquarters in Manhattan was likely to be very
different than from the regional secretarial pool in Tulsa.
What’s not always apparent, though, is that different is bad for business. When
activities, services, and products are handled differently in various places, things are not
consistent and efficient across locations. And when things are not efficient, they are not
as productive as they could be. And when things are not as productive as they could be,
they are not as profitable as they ought to be.
So what’s the solution? Standardize everything across the business (which by now
is well on its way to becoming a corporation) as much as possible. The hiring of new
employees? Make it the same in Tulsa and Toledo. The procedures for writing and
distributing memos? It should be the same in San Jose and Seattle.
Need proof? Look at the rise and success of fast food throughout the US in the
1950’s, which turned food creation into an assembly line. Another fine example are the
animation studios in California during those days, which also created an assembly line
environment where talented artists and illustrators all learned to draw that popular
cartoon character in exactly the same way, so their work could be used interchangeably
for those cartoons that screened before Saturday matinee serials. (By the way, Ray Kroc,
the man responsible for making McDonalds a national fast-food chain, served in World
War I with Walt Disney. Rumor is that Disney applied Kroc’s assembly line idea to
animation out of jealousy.)
And how do you make everything the same, regardless of location? Treat the
whole corporation as one big happy family. And since families have personalities,

opinions, and beliefs, why can’t a corporation?
As corporations began to solve this problem, they slowly looked to advertising
and marketing for ways to take that emotional influence and turn it inward on themselves.
Basically, someone had the bright idea; “If we can convince customers and the public to
see us and our crap in a certain way, maybe we can convince our employees to see their
employer in a certain way, as well.”
Once that realization came to pass, it was all downhill from there.
Many people in the business world will argue against this. They will insist that
“the employees of our company create its culture,” and that “our employees live and
breathe the values of this company every day.” To which I call shenanigans.
I dispute this because one of the key questions any company asks themselves
when hiring someone new is, “do they fit our culture?” A corporate lawyer is not going to
fit in at a Silicon Valley tech startup, and someone who strongly supports renewable
energy is probably not going to feel at home in an oil refinery. When Corporate America
disputes these arguments, it’s much like the Wizard of Oz using smoke and mirrors to
frighten you and direct your attention elsewhere.
In the world of marketing, there’s more than just advertising and brand
management. There’s also marketing communications, that wonderful no-man’s land
where talented writers, designers, and artists personify a corporation and its actions. From
public relations to press releases to internal communications, these communications work
to influence people both within and outside the company – in essence, to convince them
that the company is honorable and has good intentions. These communications not only
help sell products, but they make employees feel valued and appreciated; part of
something special that other companies don’t have.
All of which brings us to today, and why corporations present themselves as
wonderful, nurturing environments of peace, love, and happiness.
But there’s a fly in the ointment, and that buzzing sound is the fact that
corporations are no more human than a robot in a bad science fiction movie.
Humans care, feel, breathe, rest, play, sleep, cry, and dance. And really, when was
the last time you saw a company do anything like that? Don’t get me wrong; you and

your co-workers may go for a walk during lunch, go out for drinks during happy hour, or
chat over coffee about your kids. But those activities are about you bonding with other
people. Your corporation’s ultimate Frisbee league or intermural bowling tournament?
No matter what it says on your t-shirt or company intranet, they have nothing to do with
Corporate America. I’ve never seen a corporation hit a grand slam or make a 7 -10 split,
and I’m pretty sure I never will.
This is not to say that people within corporations are incapable of being kind and
generous. In fact, such people do exist. When a close friend, a comedy writer for a
television show, learned that her mother’s cancer was slowly robbing her of life, the star
of the show, an all-round nice guy and good person, paid for her to take time off from
work so she could fly across the US and be with her mother – even though it meant
rumblings from the writer’s union and entertainment conglomerate that created the show.
But let’s be clear, that comedy star stuck his neck out for her because he’s a good guy. It
wasn’t the corporate honchos who made sure she was at her mother’s side before she
passed away.
Here’s the bottom line; corporations are created and run with one thing in mind –
profits. Whether they’re public companies whose stock prices bounce around like
numbered ping pong balls at a lottery drawing, or private companies who make a
ridiculously wealthy owner and his bratty kids even more ridiculously wealthy, the end
goal is the same. Profits are the reason we all get up five days a week and climb into that
treadmill like the good little hamsters we are.
And profits are good for employees, because it means we get paid for giving up a
piece of our souls and lives, which means we can have a roof over our heads and not go
to bed hungry. But it’s also a self-fulfilling cycle. We work to make money, so we can
buy stuff, which makes us indebted to Corporate America to pay for stuff, which means
we have to work to make money. I’m certainly not saying I have a better solution for this
Circle of Death, but let’s just acknowledge how this little system works, shall we?
The interesting thing about this relationship, however, is that it’s also a one-way
street. You need your employer more than it needs you. No matter what you believe or
have heard, your employer does not care about you. I don’t care who you are or what you

do at your job, you alone are not irreplaceable. I hate to burst your bubble, but it’s true.
Corporations soldier on whenever a CEO leaves or when the founder retires with his
insanely huge pile of money, private jets, and three dozen homes with private entrances,
so why should you and I be any different?
In fact, one of the reasons you are so replaceable to Corporate America is purely
because of a corporation’s size. It’s a numbers game, and you are just that – a number.
What’s on your corporate ID? An employee number. When you log into your computer at
work, do you have a user ID? Unlike smaller businesses, where employees are known by
names, roles, and personalities, corporations reduce each of us to their shorthand, place
us into little boxes (figuratively and literally), and make sure we stay on that treadmill at
full speed.
Chuck Palahniuk wrote a great book in the 1990’s called Fight Club, which was
also transformed into an outstanding film starting Brad Pitt and Edward Norton. Tyler
Durden, one of the main characters of the story, said something that Corporate America
probably believes, even if it never admits it;
“You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake.”
Then again, Tyler Durden also said something of solace for those of us struggling
to maintain our sanity in Corporate America, and it’s a favorite mantra of mine;
“You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're
not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking
khakis.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Lesson 2: It’s a game. Keep score.
As a lowly cog in Corporate America, you’ve probably realized by now that our
working world runs on productivity. Companies are constantly creating junk and selling
it, and as an employee in that machine, you are systematically part of the problem. (In
fact, it’s a self-fulfilling cycle. As good consumers, we buy crap we don’t need, only to
find ourselves stuck in a job to pay for all stuff we want or already have but can’t afford.)
Corporate America, however, is well aware of this, and every day that you get
tantalized into buying a new car, cell phone, piece of technology, or item of clothing

you’re compounding the problem. We’ve all heard about how rampant consumerism
drives the American economy and how much companies rely on us to buy stuff. But
that’s just one side of the equation – the consumer side. Have you ever thought about the
role each of us plays in the production side of this cycle?
Odds are you haven’t, but that’s not surprising. We’ve been trained and
brainwashed to ignore it. Let’s start by looking at how we, as employees, are simply
commodities used by Corporate America.
Traditionally, businesses bought materials or raw goods, used those goods to
build or create something people wanted, then turned around and sold those finished
products for a profit. Take the automobile industry, for example. Car manufacturers buy
things like steel, metal, plastic parts, paint and cloth, and turn those items into a car that
makes you green with envy when you see it on the highway. Those automobile
manufacturers employ skilled laborers to build those cars, and they can measure their
results in very tangible terms – the number of cars produced and sold. Managers and
executives of the company soon learned that they can maximize their profits by
employing as few skilled workers as possible while having those workers create as many
cars as possible. This realization is basically what made Henry Ford rich, since he created
the assembly line and started making Model Ts.
Since then, the assembly line concept grew and was applied to animation,
hamburgers, and just about every tangible good you use and I consume today.
In fact, this realization is one of the basic principles behind running a successful
business. Reducing or minimizing your number of employees while increasing your
production of goods leads to increased profit.
There are variations of this, too, where companies do either one or the other.
Companies can reduce the number of employees and maintain their current production to
make a little more money, or they can increase the number of employees to produce more
goods, which also leads to increased profits. But the holy grail of making money in the
business world is being able to do both at the same time. It’s basically the double
whammy of making money hand over fist.
As companies began to figure this out, they realized that employees needed to be

as productive as possible. This meant squeezing every last bit of work out of an employee
before the company actually hired someone else to increase productivity. And as you can
imagine, hiring more employees means less profits. This is where workers’ rights came
into play over a century ago. Whether it was the meat packing industry, clothing
sweatshops, or other industries, employees were literally being worked to extreme
circumstances, and unions were created as a way for workers to unite and protect
themselves.
I’m certainly not a socialist, nor am I making any kind of political statement about
unions. I’m simply providing some background on Corporate America to help you
understand where you fit in.
Today, skilled employees who work in manufacturing and physical labor have
undeniably hard jobs, but they also have made great strides to protect themselves from
questionable business practices the business world got away with for far too long. Yet
odds are, you’re probably what Corporate America calls an information worker; someone
who doesn’t necessarily create anything with their hands, but instead deals in
information, sending emails, making phone calls, and attending meetings to deliver a
service or some other intangible good.
And as information workers, it’s very hard to measure just how productive we
are. After all, someone on an assembly line can take pride in knowing they built 200 cars
today. Can you argue that you were productive because you sent our 200 emails today?
Probably not.
Corporate America realizes this and is constantly trying to quantify and measure
our productivity while simultaneously insisting that we become more and more
productive during our eight hour workday (although, in reality, a ten hour workday is
more accurate). To managers and executives in Corporate America, this inability to be
exact around their employees’ productivity makes a great loophole to guilt and force
people to be more productive and live in fear.
Americans take fewer vacations than most everyone else in the world, and they
work longer hours. Worse yet, we’ve been sucked into believing that it’s a badge of
honor. We fall for it hook, line, and sinker because it gets us a few dollars more and feeds

our egos with an inflated sense of self-importance. The reality, though, is that you’re just
a commodity to Corporate America; a way to make money. All of us are being
manipulated until we collapse, have a nervous breakdown, quit in disgust, or actually
make it to retirement. And once that happens, whichever one it is, someone new is hired
and simply steps in to take your place.
There are several ways to fight it, though, and since we’re all working so hard and
not taking care of ourselves, we need to get our priorities straight. This doesn’t mean
rebelling and doing stupid subversive things that will get you fired, but rather setting
boundaries and making sure that your needs (not your employer’s) come first.
1. Take Time Off
To start, let’s look at the most obvious thing; time off. We all have vacation days,
but how many of us actually use them? I don’t mean taking a “half day” so you can take
your kid to the doctor or clean the house before the in-laws arrive; those things don’t
count.
Instead, think about how few of us actually take vacations, real trips to places we
haven’t been, unencumbered by pain-in-the-ass technologies like blackberries, laptops, or
conference calls with the team back in the office. The reality is that it happens far less
than it should – for all of us.
And yes, vacations cost money, and I know that many of us can’t afford to fly off
to some exotic locale for a few days, especially with children. That’s okay. My point here
is that we all need some rest and relaxation, whether it be driving to the beach or the
shore with the kids in tow for a day or two, or a trip to an amusement park, or just a day
trip to an outlet mall or spending time in a major city. It doesn’t matter what makes you
feel happy and relaxed, it just matters that you do it (and stop checking in at the office
while you’re away).
So really use your vacation days, instead of just wasting them to sleep in and
nurse a hangover, or to do chores that don’t make you happy and relaxed. In fact, I
personally advocate scheduling your vacation strategically. For example, if most of your
coworkers take trips to the beach in the summer because the kids are out of school,
maybe it’s smart for those of you who are single to stick around during the summer

months, and take off with your significant other to Mexico in September once all the
soccer moms are back after Labor Day.
Lastly, don’t ever feel bad about using your vacation days. Having leftover days
off at the end of the year is a cardinal sin in my book. Don’t throw ‘em away, and if
you’re stockpiling them, you sure as hell better have a good reason.
2. Use Those Benefits
The other thing many people don’t take advantage of is their corporate benefits.
This could be health related, public transportation subsidies, or any other type of perk that
puts a few extra dollars in your pocket or saves you money. But sadly, the laziness that
keeps us from filling out a few forms and photocopying a receipt means more gains for
Corporate America.
If you live in a major city, and your employer is willing to pay for all or part of
the cost of public transportation, why the hell wouldn’t you take advantage of it (unless
you have major conflicts with the kids, daycare, reliability of the transportation, etc.)?
Driving on highways with other commuters is a royal pain in the ass, and it’s so much
nicer not to deal with gridlock.
Maybe you like to work out and hit the gym a few times of week. If so, you
should be checking to see if your employer will reimburse you for joining a gym. Even if
it’s half the cost of your membership, it’s still money that doesn’t come out of your hard-
earned paycheck. Same thing goes for weight-loss programs. More and more companies
are paying for memberships in these programs, which means you may be able to try out
those weekly meetings and calorie-counting websites without paying for them.
Here’s another example; when was the last time you went to the dentist? Ok, so
it’s not fun, but if you have dental insurance and it costs you $20 to go twice a year and
get your teeth cleaned, it’s certainly a good use of your time and money. (Plus, if they can
only see you at 9:30 AM, it looks like you may have to come in late that day.) Same thing
applies for annual physicals with your doctor or preventive visits to other specialists. If
your mother had skin cancer, and a dermatologist can check you out for just a few bucks
out of your pocket, you’d be crazy not to do it. Same thing for eyeglasses and contacts. If
your insurance pays for all or part of contact lenses or new glasses each year, wouldn’t

you agree that it’s smart to use that benefit?
My point is that millions of people around the world don’t have access to the
medical professionals and technology we Americans take for granted, yet most of us in
Corporate America refuse to go see any doctor unless there’s a problem. It’s insane. Plus,
most doctors only make appointments during business hours, which means you have to
leave the office to go and take care of yourself – another bonus.
So get an annual physical, have your eyes checked out, go to a dentist, and see
anyone else that will help you look and feel better if they’re covered by your insurance.
OBGYNs, allergists, dermatologists, orthodontists, chiropractors, the list goes on and on.
Your employer says they want you to be healthy and well – hold them to their word.
You’ll look and feel better, and most of it will be on the company’s dime.
3. Get Educated
Another thing you can do is get an education. Today, most corporations offer
some sort of tuition reimbursement or sponsorship for professional certifications. So if
you ever wanted to go back and get a graduate degree (as long as it’s not basket
weaving), go for it. Get your MBA or work towards that professional certification in your
field. Even if you have to pay the money up front, and get reimbursed when you graduate
or complete the course, it’s worth it! Commit to making yourself a smarter, better person,
and let Corporate America pay for the privilege. Your employer may require you stay
employed with them for a few years afterward, but regardless you’ll take home more
money in the long run, especially without all those huge student loans.
4. Go Outside
It’s amazing how many of us stay at our desks all day – or at the very least, stay
indoors. Sure, you may go to a few meetings and possibly run to the cafeteria, but how
often do you truly get outside during the work day? Probably not much. One of best
things you can do to keep your sanity in Corporate America is simply go outside for a
few minutes each day. Whether you take a walk for 20 or 30 minutes or run an errand,
getting outside your office can be a godsend. When the weather’s nice, you’ll actually get
some sun and be reminded that there are more important things than your precious
cubicle. And if it’s winter or rainy, make the most of it by heading somewhere that’s not

surrounded by colleagues or office talk and do something non-work related. Hell, go to a
department store. Buy yourself some new shoes or a video game if necessary. Just get
out. Literally.
5. Don’t Skip Meals
You know you’re stressed and overworked when you realize it’s 2:00 and you
haven’t touched your lunch. Some people in Corporate America will tell you that’s a
badge of honor, but don’t believe it. What it really means is that you have poor
boundaries, and that you’re putting your work above your health. If that happens, you’re
literally working instead of eating and nourishing your body, and how can that be good
for you?
So make a point to eat lunch; a real lunch that requires chewing and utensils, not
something you drink or snack on between emails and meetings. And while you’re at it,
make sure you’re not eating it in front of the monitor.
6. Take Breaks
Depending on the type of person you are, you may be able to type away for hours
without coming up for air or looking away from the monitor. Other people last about ten
or fifteen minutes before their mind wanders to something that’s actually fun and
enjoyable. Neither is right or wrong, but regardless, you need to make a point of taking
breaks. Years ago, when people still smoked, the smoke break was how many corporate
cogs claimed time for themselves during the workday (of course, this was also the era of
the three-martini lunch, so infer your own conclusions).
Today, however, there’s no water cooler, no version of the smoking lounge or
other such break area at most offices in Corporate America. Sadly, this makes taking
breaks during the day that much more difficult for most of us, since there’s no way to
really do so without leaving the building. Personally, I don’t think this is a coincidence,
and with more and more offices providing wireless internet access and laptops, corporate
cogs can be productive anywhere. This is not a good thing.
So instead, most of us take little “micro-breaks” at our desk. Maybe you check
your personal email, surf the internet for a few minutes, or play with your cell phone.
Whatever it is, you need to get up and walk away from the computer, step away from the

phone, and leave work in your cubicle for a few minutes. Playing on the computer or
phone at your desk doesn’t count, and it’s not making you feel better. In fact, I bet doing
those things at your desk make them feel more like work than enjoyment. Any way you
look at it, you need to take a handful of breaks during the day. Working for hours straight
without a break may make you productive, but it’s also making you miserable.
7. Have a Life After Work
Corporate America tends to heap loads of responsibility on its workers, yet
doesn’t give us enough time to do all the things we’re supposed to do. Because of this,
many of us go into the office early and stay late just to keep our heads above water. I’m
willing to bet this is true for you, as well.
We’ll talk more about this in another chapter, but for now, take a moment and
think about the days you’ve stayed late versus the days when you left at a scheduled time
(come hell or high water).
Odds are, the days you stayed late were times you could afford to get caught up
on a project or get something accomplished without much impact to your home life.
Likewise, the days you’ve probably left at a precise time were because you had to be
somewhere else for an appointment or other schedule. This seems to be true for a lot of
us. For example, people with kids are pretty great at making sure they leave on time each
day because they have to pick up the little ones from school or daycare. Likewise, it’s
often the parent without that responsibility, or adults without kids, who seem to get
sucked into staying late and putting in extra time in the evenings.
I’m not suggesting you need to have children in order to leave at a reasonable
time each day, but I do believe we can all learn something from those parents who
efficiently seem to wrap things up and walk out the door at 4:00 or 4:30 each day so they
get to daycare before it closes. Those parents have a schedule and responsibilities to meet
after work, and the rest of us should take a cue from them.
So try to have a life after work, no matter who you are. Schedule a haircut at 5:30,
or meet a friend at the gym at 6:00. If you have kids, plan things with them in the
evenings. Every so often plan a dinner out with your spouse or partner so that you’ll
make sure to leave on time (and have something to look forward to during the day). The

key here is plan things like these in advance. If you’re going home and sitting in front of
the television or computer every night, you’ll find yourself dragging out your work day
well into the evening.
There’s lots of things you can do to keep from getting too sucked into the
workday and let your productivity and stress go overboard. Yet if you look closely at
everything mentioned above, there’s one common theme running though all of them; set
boundaries.
Corporate America wants its workers to stay in a hyper-vigilant, super-productive
mode where we run, run, run, like hamsters on a wheel, then go home exhausted, where
we collapse on the couch, eat dinner, have a drink, and go to bed. You can fight that by
setting boundaries at work. Don’t do anything stupid that’s going to get you fired, but
remember that you’re in control of your productivity – so let limits on what you’re
willing to do each day. Because if you don’t, that rushed paced quickly becomes the
norm. (And isn’t that how we all got in this place to being with?)
Extreme productivity is nothing but a cost saving measure. And although it saves
your employer money, it’s costing you health and happiness. Remember that the next
time you’re rushed at work, and fight against extreme productivity tooth and nail.
Lesson 3: Never be the person who cares the most.
This little nugget of wisdom was taught to me by a former coworker who had a
reputation for being very laid back and easygoing. In fact, I really disliked the guy until I
fully came to understand his view on life. And in the process of learning about him, I
gained quite a bit of insight into myself, as well.
When I first met him, I was a newly-minted MBA; full of promise, ego, and silly
business beliefs that I was going to become an executive in nine months, change the
world, and land a book deal for my biography at the same time. Basically, I believed all
the hype and nonsense I’d been fed in the past two years; but in all fairness, most of that
was planted there by a top-notch graduate school. (The fact that I paid them to do so is a
whole other book somewhere down the line.)
Furthermore, I had just started a new job, which is a recipe for disaster. Bigger
paycheck, bigger title, Corporate American Express card, business travel, hotels, and

dinners on the road. I was even teaching myself how to tie those bigger executive knots
on my ties.
And like any new MBA starting their first post-grad job in Corporate America, I
was determined to figure out the culture of my new company and stand out. In fact, not
only was I determined to stand out; I was determined to make it into that rare air where
people knew my name – even those who had never met me. After all, that was the first
step to becoming a Corporate Somebody ™.
So here I am, starting the new job, and I’m getting to know my co-workers and
colleagues. For the most part, they’re good people. Some are climbers, some are strivers,
some are happy and content where they were. But then I meet this guy, and he instantly
seems out of place. Like the egocentric frat-boy villain in those 80’s movies, I fully
expected this guy to run his hand through his long hair, pop the collar on his Lacoste
shirt, and laugh at his own lame joke. (In reality, however, only one of the three ever
came true. He had a significant number of bad jokes ready for any occasion, and used
them liberally.)
As you might imagine, I disliked him right off the bat. We verbally sparred about
work-related issues, I refused to laugh at his jokes, and we certainly didn’t go out for a
beer during happy hour. This guy soon became my nemesis; the lazy Lex Luthor to my
overachieving Superman, the preening frat boy to my intellectual and thoughtful nerd.
And as time went on, his laziness achieved new epic proportions. I heard rumors about
cigars and poker tournaments with other co-workers, assumed that most of every day was
spent surfing the web and checking on his fantasy football and basketball leagues, and
noticed that lunches went just a little too long for someone running out just to get a
sandwich.
But the one thing I couldn’t understand is how he got away with it all. Didn’t
anyone else see it? I mean, sure, the guy had a reputation for not exactly “taking charge”
of situations, but how was he able to survive this environment with such a shifty attitude
and piss-poor work ethic?
Soon I started to look around and take note of his interactions with other
coworkers and business partners. There was no doubting that he was certainly well-liked

by some people, and this guy was obviously doing something right in the world of
Corporate America, because he’d been working at the same company for over a decade
and managed to live a life mostly free of work-related stress.
I couldn’t put my finger on it, and this MBA was determined as hell to solve this
problem out. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want the guy fired. But I sure as hell wanted
his number. His Achilles heel. His weakness.
I kept asking myself, “What’s his secret? How does he do it?”
Then one day it happened. I discovered what had been working for him all these
years. I learned that guy’s personal mantra for surviving Corporate America.
It happened on a Wednesday. (I’m guessing, but am also fairly certain, because as
we all know, each day has its own unique feel to it. Monday sucks. Tuesday you’ve
settled in for the long haul and accepted your own personal hell. Wednesday is the day
you wish was Thursday but isn’t. Thursday is upbeat because you’re ready to start the
weekend early. And Friday is easy. Friday you’re simply coasting until 5:00 because
you’ve already checked out mentally.)
Anyway, I distinctly remember wishing it was Thursday, but knew it wasn’t, so it
had to have been a Wednesday.
I was complaining about a co-worker in another department, a real piece of work
who made even me crazy, which in hindsight solidifies the fact that this person was
batshit crazy and totally neurotic. Anyway, I had just ended a particularly difficult phone
call with this person and started to recount the previous ten minutes of hell that I’d been
put through. A few minutes into my rant, I noticed that the guy’s cubicle is eerily quiet.
This made me wonder if he was even listening to me, so I stood up and went over to his
cube as ego-filled frustration and narcissism continued to spew from my mouth.
He was there, all right. Sitting in his desk chair, he swiveled around to face me,
leaning back with his elbows on the arms of the chair and fingertips touching each other
so that he’d created a pyramid of fingers in front of his chest. Once he stopped moving,
he stretched out his legs and crossed his ankles. Something about his posture
demonstrated just how tough it is to truly relax in a desk chair. Yet here he was,
obviously someone who had put some thought into the most optimal seating position

possible one can have in a cube. (Short of slouching in one’s chair and almost sliding out
of it, this is about as comfortable as you can get.)
The guy’s flatscreen monitor was on a college basketball website, a Rolling Stone
CD sat next to his keyboard, and a jar full of change sat next to the ever-present stack of
folders. Everything about his workspace was carefully calculated in a rakish sort of way.
He let me ramble on, smirking and nodding with an honest, “Yep, I’ve been
there” look. He didn’t try to interrupt, or cut me off, or do anything to slow down the red
face, clenched teeth, and spittle that had invaded his cube. Instead, he waited; knowing
that I wasn’t going to listen to anything he had to say until all the hot air had been
expelled from my system.
Eventually, that moment came, and I shut the hell up for more than half a second.
And once I did, I looked to this guy for a reaction, any sort of reaction.
He stopped smirking and said one thing; “Never be the person who cares the
most.”
At you might expect to someone in my frame of mind, such a simplistic answer
seemed way too flippant to be helpful. “Oh, so I just shouldn’t care about anything?
That’s hardly realistic!”
At this, the guy sat up and leaned towards me, truly addressing me in a way he’d
never done before. “No, I’m saying that you should never be the person who cares the
most about anything. You can’t completely not care about things because you’d lose your
job. But when you’re the person who cares about a project, a client, or a problem more
than anyone else, you’re always going to be the one stuck with the lion’s share of the
work. Everybody else slacks off because they know you’ve got more skin in the game
than they do, and you end up picking up everyone else’s slack.”
He paused for a moment and let that sink in while he leaned back in his chair,
crossed his legs once again, and put his hands triumphantly behind his head. “And once
you get stuck in that spot, you’re done for. People expect you to care more about that
thing than anyone else.”
I laughed and went back to my desk, thanking him as I returned to my computer.
But it stuck with me. At first it seemed like a joke, a telling anecdote that simply proved

to me that this guy really didn’t give a shit about his job.
But it wasn’t that simple. When I conveyed the story to my wife that evening over
dinner, she said, “He may be on to something.”
I pushed it aside, mostly for two reasons. First, I was so gung-ho at my job that I
couldn’t see the forest for the trees, and second, there was no way on God’s Green Earth
that I was going to admit that this guy knew anything about the business world.
And in some ways, I was right. That guy didn’t know anything about the business
world. The business world is about how to get things done, how to get promoted, how to
land a new job and make a bigger bonus. What that guy did know about was Corporate
America, and as we all know, the world of Corporate America isn’t about getting things
done. It’s about all the other nonsense and red tape that can take the place of good, hard
work.
A few days later, I found myself in a similar situation with that same batshit crazy
coworker, along with a few others. We were talking about a project and the various
responsibilities and tasks associated with this project, one of which involved a decision
that needed to be made jointly by the team, but whose work would be done by yours
truly. Up until that point, I would pride myself on having skin in the game, of being that
person who wanted to influence decisions – especially ones that had a direct result on my
workload.
The problem was, this was not an easy decision. It involved some additional
research; a few phone calls, some questioning of other areas, and some information
gathering before we could move ahead. Now normally, I was all over that kind of stuff.
Any opportunity to learn about processes and details was also an opportunity to network
internally, build relationships, and become an expert on something. To me, that was
career gold.
But my coworkers were Type A overachievers, too (especially the batshit crazy
one), and they had their own opinions about the decision and how it should be handled.
And just at that moment, just as they started to debate the best solution to this
insignificant, technical problem, I heard that guy’s voice like Yoda in a tie, counseling
me as I sat across from batshit Darth Vader at a conference table.

“Never be the one who cares the most.”
So fuck it, I thought. Let’s try it. I waited until the discussion hit a pause and
others at the table were looking to me to weigh in. Then I struck, dealing a double blow
of “I don’t give a shit” disguised as “you know best, coworker.” It was pure magic.
“Well,” I started as I thoughtfully scratched my head for effect, “I don’t know too
much about this kind of problem, so I don’t really feel comfortable suggesting which way
to go. I’m happy to do either one, but it’s probably best if I defer to the expertise of you
guys.”
With that, my colleagues eagerly stepped up and began to talk about who to call,
who should weigh in, and what they think should be done. Sure, I’d voluntarily gotten out
of the driver’s seat and climbed into the back of the car. But in all honestly, my
coworkers were back seat drivers, anyway, and their constant second-guessing and
nitpicking were making me insane. And so with two sentences, I had side stepped what
was rapidly becoming a whirlpool of unnecessary swirl and busy work and had instead
positioned myself as the one person who would actually get things done once all the
busybodies had finished talking about it (if that ever happened).
And with that little push, I slowly started to see the light to that guy’s way of
thinking. Over the next several weeks I began to see how almost everyone had an opinion
about everything, and at least thirty percent of my coworkers were willing to debate,
argue, and even fight to get their point across and influence decisions. Once I started to
recognize these patterns in my colleagues, my office Yoda’s wisdom became easier to
implement in all kinds of scenarios.
But perhaps you think this approach is impossible in your Corporate America.
Maybe you’re so exhausted and beat down that you quickly assume such a passive
mindset can’t possibly work on your coworkers. Too transparent, you might say. I could
only get away with it once, you might believe. Think again.
My initial experience with this life-altering mindset was an extreme one. That
situation called for me to do an about-face and make a one hundred and eighty degree
shift in my way of thinking, and verbally make that stance in order for it to work. You
may not need to go to such extremes.

Odds are, there’s some project, shared responsibility, team, or other initiative that
you’re a part of right now. As long as you’re not the leader of this project (and even then,
you still have a chance), there’s nothing stopping you from mentally taking a step back. If
you’re constantly on the front lines of battle, fighting the good fight, you’re going to
eventually get blown away (or stabbed in the back). Yet Corporate America is constantly
looking for soldiers who will lead the charge into any and all projects and tasks. And
should you ever leave, die, or move on, there will always be another willing soldier ready
to take your place.
The key here, however, is to not completely blow off your responsibilities. Not
being the one who cares the most is absolutely not the same thing as being the one who
cares the least (or not at all).
To go back to my car analogy, let others fight over the steering wheel and argue
about who’s going to give directions. Instead, climb in the back seat and tag along for the
ride. Just make sure you don’t completely get out of the car.
As for the office Yoda? As time went on, I started to get a real sense of how he
survived Corporate America as long as he had. In later conversations, I discovered that he
truly enjoyed his life outside of his cubicle. He traveled to other countries with his wife
and family, hosted pool parties and cookouts in his back yard, played basketball with
coworkers, and played poker and smoked cigars with his buddies. Simply put, he had his
priorities straight. He was a good father and husband, and was very open about the fact
that his real life was outside Corporate America. Work for that guy was truly a four letter
word. He did it because he had to, but he had no illusions about it. To him, work was a
necessary evil, and if you have to sell your soul and suffer a slow, painful death in a tie to
support your family, well then, that’s the price of being a father and family man.
That makes a lot of sense in my book. In fact, I’ve started a mantra of my own,
thanks to him. These days, whenever I find myself taking Corporate America too
seriously or starting to believe all the crap being shoveled my way, I think, “WWOYD?”
(What Would Office Yoda Do?)
Lesson 4: Synergy is a dirty word.
As an educated man and someone who enjoys reading books, I actually try to

keep up on the world of literature. I’m not exactly buying everything on the New York
Times bestseller lists, but I’ve been known to enjoy authors across various genres and the
occasional murder mystery. In fact, there have been times when I’ve spent a few hundred
dollars on books at a national chain bookstore, even though I only went in for one thing. I
can get lost in pages until I come up for air hours later, completely dazed and out of touch
with time and reality – probably because it helps me forget how much my day job sucks.
And as much as I hate to admit it, my love of literature even extends to books
about business. They are the horror movies of the book world. Not because they’re scary
(at least, not intentionally), but like horror flicks, they appeal to only a niche audience yet
can make tons of money by saying (or showing) the same thing over and over again.
Pick up or read any business book, and you’ll soon realize they all have pretty
much the same goal; how to get ahead and make more money. This makes sense, since
that’s the whole point of a career. What differs these books from each other is the
wrapping – cutesy words and concepts the author uses to convince you that he or she has
a new spin on Corporate America; a new approach that will help you climb your way to
the top!
It doesn’t matter whether the book talks about leading from the middle (which
means nothing, incidentally, since almost everyone works with someone in a lesser
position and also has a boss above them), being an advocate for change (which means
becoming a shining example of someone who not just believes the crap Corporate
America feeds its employees, but pushes to the front of the line to get it first), or how to
change yourself to be a better employee and get promoted. (Buy into Corporate
America’s brainwashing! Do we really need a book for that?) Just about every single
business book you pick up can be distilled down into one concept that translates into
being a better, more productive corporate employee and how to get noticed doing that.
Don’t believe me? Try it. Remember the game “Six Degrees of Separation?”
Most people are familiar with the Kevin Bacon version, where people try to tie the
famous actor to any other actor in less than six steps or associations. Well, take a business
book, look at the title or synopsis, and see how many sentences it takes you to get to the
end result – “to make more money.”

Most of the time, it takes a lot less than six. In fact, some of the best-titled
business books can go right from the title to “so you can make more money.”
Why does all this matter? Because these books set the tone for Corporate
America’s next big (in other words, bad) idea, and what they lack in creative ideas and
concepts they make up for in creative language and words. You may not realize it, but
once men and women have climbed the corporate ladder to the upper echelons of
Corporate America, they become obsessed with staying there and not slipping back
down. And how does an exec stay on his or her A game? By staying well-read and in
tune with the newest business ideas and trends.
For example, I have actually worked for a company where the corporate
executives had a reading club. Well, quite honestly, it wasn’t a real reading club where
the executives actually read the book. Heavens, no. Who has time for that? This club fed
off of up-and-coming corporate managers just outside the executive realm who were
chosen to participate. You see, those chosen managers had the privilege of being assigned
a book by the executives, reading it, and delivering a presentation to the executives that
summarized the book in a twenty minute presentation.
That’s right, these up-and-coming managers provided book reports to their
executives in the guise of that holiest of Corporate Bibles – the Powerpoint presentation.
And the executives, of course, got to cheat by learning the key points of a book without
actually having to read it. Pure genius!!!
It’s a pretty amazing process, and even for those lowly executives who still read
business books the old-fashioned way, there’s a panicked need to be on the forefront of
the next big idea. And usually, the next big idea is an old idea that’s fallen out of favor
and come back around full circle until everything old seems new again.
And so, Corporate America grabs hold of the next big idea, which is really just an
idea to occupy our time right now, gives it a name and some language to make it sound
fresh and new, and spins it out into the world to see if it sticks or has any impact. (Sounds
like advertising again, doesn’t it?) This, my friends, is Corporatespeak.
And Corporatespeak is its own brand of bullshit. In fact, if it were up to me, I’d
give it a trademark; Corporatespeak™

It just looks right with that little ™, doesn’t it?
I can give thousands of examples, but you already probably have your own, don’t
you? Things like “synergy,” “action item,” “integrated solution,” “leverage,” “offline”,
and my personal favorite, “win/win” (which is complete and utter bullshit because only a
loser would believe that we’re all winners in the world of Corporate America).
In fact, even the concept of the next big idea has been co-opted by
Corporatespeak. It’s called the “One Big Thing.” This simply means that Corporatespeak
has gotten so out of control, the executives and managers who create the words and put
together “Action Teams” to sell this nonsense to the rest of employees can’t seem to
figure out why they’re doing all this nonsense in the first place. Simply put, the One Big
Thing is an easy way of remembering why they’re doing all this crap in the first place –
without ever having to admit they don’t know the answer.
So why does all this matter? Well, the ugly truth is that Corporatespeak is a way
managers, executives, and people who consider themselves in the know talk down to
other employees. Quite honestly, Corporatespeak is nothing but derogatory terms
wrapped in meaningless language, and it’s used in any number of ways; to provide a
nonsense answer when someone doesn’t have a real one, to spin something negative into
something that sounds positive, and to make you feel inferior and intimidated so that you
don’t rock the boat or ask questions they don’t want to hear.
The bottom line is this; Corporatespeak is never good, and the moment you hear
anything resembling Corporatespeak, your bullshit meter should go off.
And it’s not just enough to recognize Corporatespeak. To really combat it, you
should know how to translate it and attack it head on, thereby making it useless.
Nothing stops Corporatespeak in its tracks better than the ability to convert this
nonsense and double talk into plan English. Done tactfully, it’s like getting to the heart of
the matter and politely saying, “So basically, you’re telling me I’ve got to reengineer this
thing by next Tuesday with no assistance and budget…”
This is amazingly effective since Corporate America hates clarity and the honest
truth because it lays everything out in the open. And you can’t have a hierarchy or hold
power over someone if everyone has all the same information. But unfortunately, that

takes work. (Hey, I never said surviving Corporate America was a walk in the park.)
Which is why I read business books. It’s not so much that I think I’m actually
going to learn something new. Instead, it helps me keep pace with my managers and
executives. If they are learning the new buzzword of the day and plan on throwing it out
in next week’s team meeting, I sure as hell want to be prepared for that. In a perverse
way, it’s kinda fun to be the only person in the room who knows what the boss is talking
about when they unleash the next synonym for “synergy” on my unsuspecting coworkers.
In fact, it’s even more fun to throw the word back into play by mentioning the book and
attempting to pull some random (yet obvious) concept out of my ass and throw it on the
table like an ass-kissing attempt to impress the room.
Really, though, I’m not kissing ass. I’m leading the charge to protect my
colleagues and teammates.
Lots of times, I’ll defuse the word by explaining it to others in the room as I
rephrase what my boss or executive just said. Not in an egotistical way, mind you, but in
a way that adds something to the conversation as well as restates what was just said in
plain English.
For example, let’s say my colleagues, teammates, and I are I’m in a meeting with
my boss, who insists “the team needs better synergy to avoid duplicitous work and cross-
leverage quarterly goals across initiatives.”
I’d immediately bounce back with an agreeing nod, while completely defusing
this bomb of verbal garbage that has just been spewed in the middle of the conference
room. I’d probably say something like;
“I agree! That’s a great idea, Chris. If we want to meet our goals for the quarter,
we should be doing just that. We need to share more information with our colleagues, and
talk more about projects we’re working on so we’re not repeating each other’s work.”
It can be a little tricky at first (or maybe not, if you’ve been in Corporate America
long enough). Think of it as speaking a second language – because that’s what it is. If
you’ve ever taken a trip to another country that doesn’t speak English, you may have
started not knowing how to say or ask anything, but eventually you pick up some of the
language. If you speak Spanish, for example, and visit France for a week-long vacation,

you may not be able to say anything the first day you’re there. But odds are, by the end of
that week you’re at least able to say thank you, ask for the bathroom, or maybe order a
cup of coffee.
Corporatespeak is the same way. Once you begin to pay attention to it, you’ll pick
some up here and there until you learn enough to fake it. And by reading business books,
you’ll be studying up on same textbooks executives and managers across Corporate
America use to try and instill fear and compliance into their employees every day.
(And truth be told, it’s not as if you have to really study that hard to get by. Others
reading those books seldom understand the whole concept behind the texts. Instead, they
grab on to the One Big Thing and spout that idea as if it were gospel.)
So it may take a while, but brush up on your Corporatespeak. It’s one of your
most effective tools to remind Corporate America that you’re wise to their tricks!!
Lesson 5: Once you leave, you’re dead to us.
When it comes to handling workers and employees, Corporate America has some
competing interests, and in order to understand your value to your employer, it’s
important to recognize how those interests work against each other. In addition to
Corporatespeak, your employer has a subtle tone regarding how it wants you to feel about
job security, and as with anything else in Corporate America, it’s mostly smoke and
mirrors.
The reality is that while Corporate America wants you to be thankful that you
have such a wonderful, blessed job, they certainly do not feel the same about you. As you
know, you are just a number, simply a person to fill a role and sit in a seat. Human
Resource departments across the country spend tens of thousands, if not hundreds of
thousands, of dollars promoting employee benefits to you. Actually, their
communications are thinly veiled advertising, designed to subtly remind you how great it
is to work in Corporate America and prod you gently with a whisper in your ear that says,
“Aren’t you lucky?”
These communications may convey the fact that even though health care costs are
rising, they didn’t pass those increases on to you. (Aren’t you lucky?) Or that even
though the stock market is down and money is tight all over, the company knows how

important it is to maintain their match in the 401k. (Aren’t you lucky?) Or that there’s a
new on-site medical clinic, so you don’t even have to leave the building to go to the
doctor. (Why lose an hour out of your productive day, when you can be back at your desk
checking emails in less than 30 minutes? Aren’t you lucky?)
Sadly, we’re so used to these messages that we block them out without thought.
But over time, they have a subtle impact on us, encouraging us to feel oh so fortunate to
even have a job in the first place.
But as with any business asset, management must deal with that tricky balance
between costs and production. And that, my friends, means headcount - that wonderful
management buzzword that literally sounds like an axe falling when you say it aloud.
Anytime we hear someone mention headcount, we all go into a nervous, tense panic –
and rightfully so. Call it a reduction, redundancy, natural attrition, downsizing, call it
whatever you want. It’s simply a formal, stiff way of saying, “We’re letting people go
because we’re not making enough money.”
Corporate America fires people in any number of ways. Some of the more
ruthless companies on Wall Street simply call everyone into a meeting at 8:00 AM, tell
them they’re being let go, and send everyone back to their desks to pack up and get the
hell out of the building before 9:00 AM. “Hand over your ID badge, and by the way,
thanks for working until 10:00 last night. That report you finished looks great.”
Sure, this may sound heartless, but you gotta admit, at least it’s straightforward.
Besides, that’s the way Wall Street works. If you’ve ever known someone in investment
banking who’s left their job for a competitor, they can attest to a very similar experience.
Other companies in Corporate America, though, take different approaches. Some
manufacturing companies notoriously drag out layoffs, leaving floundering plants and
distribution centers open for months (if not years), hoping that disgruntled employees
will find a new job and quit before the place closes. It’s the coward’s way of avoiding
severance pay and benefits for loyal employees, because if they leave on their own for