The Essential Thailand Retirement Guide Pete Bowen doc

The Essential Thailand Retirement Guide
Pete Bowen
Copyright 2012 by Pete Bowen
Smashwords Edition
Introduction
It’s not surprising that Thailand was chosen as the best country in the world for
expats to reside. The HSBC Expat Explorer Survey of 2011 found the Kingdom beat 31
other countries for health care, accommodation, work environment and lifestyle. Thailand is
my home. I live in a beautiful tropical beach community in a three bedroom condo with
security and spacious pools. Where can I live like that in America for $2,000 a month? You
can’t do it for twice that amount!
I don’t want to paint the Land of Smiles (LOS) as the be all and end all for every retiree.
Buddha knows, it has its issues, but for someone who has the courage to get out of their
comfort zone in the West and maybe doesn’t have the money to retire in a luxurious style in a
western country, Thailand can be that special place.
Make no mistake, it is going to take courage to travel half way around the world and live in a
place where things are very, very different. Family and friends are rarely going to be coming
for a visit and trips home are expensive. You’ll probably never speak or read the Thai
language. You’ll always be an outsider. You’ll never have the same rights as Thais and you
won’t be looked at the same. You’ll always be vulnerable. It’s just the way things are. You're
a foreigner or as the Thai refer to you, “farang” and no matter how hard you try, you'll never
be Thai.
Thai culture is very different from the West. Combined with a very different language,
Thailand can be a difficult place to grasp and understand. "TIT," short for "This is Thailand", is
a phrase coined and frequently used by former Bangkok Post nightlife columnist, Bernard
Trink. It’s often used in conversation and writing by expats to explain puzzling behavior and
the way things are done. TIT can be frustrating or a never ending source of wonderment and
fun.
Retirement in Thailand is as close to stress free as you’ll find anywhere. No place can match
the “fun factor” that Thailand offers. Lower your expectations and be flexible enough to
overlook the everyday craziness that makes Thailand unique and you’ll be happy here.

I hope this book will help you decide if Thailand is the right place for you. This is a guide to
the Land of Smiles for the retiree, with all its blemishes. It should give you an idea of what to
expect. I’ll breakdown the expenses for different budgets and the lifestyles they provide.
Give you alternative places where you might choose to live. I’ll tell you a little about the
people and the culture. Finally, I’ll give you some tips on what to do for a safe and fun
retirement. Join me for the adventure of your life.
Chapter 1 - Checking Out Of the Hotel California
At 59, I found myself unemployed and the US economy didn’t present many future prospects.
My children were grown, had moved away and I’d recently ended a long term relationship. I
sat in my four bedroom home in a wonderful San Francisco Bay Area community, feeling a
little sorry for myself. What the hell was I going to do? After a lot of soul searching, I decided
to take a chance, roll the dice and cash out. Sell the house, all my belongings, say goodbye to
friends and family and retire…somewhere.
Looking back, it was the right thing to do at the right time. It was the perfect storm of
circumstances. No job, children gone and no relationship, what was keeping me there? The
roots ran deep in my adopted hometown. It was where I raised my kids. I did a lot of youth
coaching. I knew a lot people. I couldn’t walk down the street without running into people I
knew. All my friends were there. Yes, the roots were deep.
This was a hard decision. Maybe, the hardest I’ve ever made. Retire and move half way
around the world? I think very few people can make the same decision and it’s a shame. It
shouldn’t be that tough. Stay where you are and struggle or go for a life in paradise? I think
we’re just afraid of change. I’ve learned something in the last few years. Change is
good very good.
When I was 23, my wife and I moved to California after graduating from college. I didn’t want
to spend my life in cold, staid Massachusetts. There was a precedent for making big moves in
my life. I didn’t know anyone in California. There was the East Coast vs. West Coast culture
shock and of course, the language barrier. I spoke Boston at the time. It wasn’t easy, but we
did it. California was home for the next 35 years.
The housing market was in the dumper when I decided to finally make the move, but my town
hadn’t been hit as hard others. It’s centrally located, upper class with great schools. I could

have made another $100,000 if I had sold my home the year before, but that was blood under
the bridge in that housing market. I had owned the house for 15 years and with appreciation,
had significant equity. I needed every penny I could get out of it, though. I priced it fairly and
listed it with a discount broker. I baked cookies every time someone came to see it and it sold
in a month.
Now the hard part: getting rid of 25 years of accumulated “stuff”. I never thought of myself
as a pack rat, but there was a lot of stuff. Furniture, clothes, office equipment, tools,
appliances, all had to go. Let the garage sales begin! What I couldn’t sell, I gave away or
tossed and I tossed a lot. It took months. I’m a musician so cherished guitars and keyboards
went on Craig’s List and EBay.
I made a promise to myself that I would never accumulate “stuff” again. It’s a good plan, but
difficult to stick to. Every time I move now, I’m amazed at how much more “stuff” I’ve
acquired. When I buy something now, I ask myself, “Do I really need this?” Still, stuff
accumulates. A car, motorbikes, musical instruments, TVs, clothes, computers, last week I
agonized over buying a blender! It was a good move. I start every day with a mango smoothie,
now.
The “stuff” cleansing process took four months. The day after the sale of the house was
completed; I left on a one way ticket to Phuket, Thailand. I had all my belongings with me in
a suitcase and a guitar on my back. Three years later, I think it was the best decision I’ve
ever made.
Chapter Two - Where in Asia?
I’d been to Thailand a half a dozen times over the previous ten years and loved the place.
The people, the food and the low cost of living made it an ideal spot to kick off a retirement
home search. The Kingdom of Thailand, formerly Siam, is known as the Land of Smiles (LOS)
for good reason. People smile easily and if you do the same, it’ll get you a long way here. A
smile can mean many things of course. It can indicate happiness and contentment. It can
cover-up awkward situations and defuse confrontations. I kept reminding myself of that.
The Land of Smiles was high on the list of eventual permanent retirement destinations, but I
owed myself a look around at all possible destinations in Asia.
Phuket would be my base of operations for checking out a permanent retirement home.

Phuket is a beautiful island, 500 miles South of Bangkok. It’s surrounded by the Andaman Sea
with great beaches and a wicked nightlife. The Phuket airport is a regional hub and it would
be easy to check out the countries on my retirement list: the Philippines, Malaysia, Cambodia
and Vietnam.
On Phuket, I started out in Patong, the busiest resort town. I rented a furnished apartment
right in the middle of town for $500 a month and started the party. Patong has something like
300 bars, a modern shopping mall, great food and is the center of the adult entertainment
industry. Motorbikes are the preferred mode of transportation, but I’d never driven one. So, I
walked everywhere. Food is cheap and food carts are everywhere. A grilled chicken and rice
meal (my go-to food) is $2.
Malaysia
My first trip out of LOS was to Malaysia. Malaysia is a liberal Muslim country. The cost of living
is higher and the country is wealthier than Thailand. The infrastructure is better. Unlike
Thailand, Malaysia welcomes expats and makes it easy to live there. The MM2H (Malaysia My
Second Home) program allows you to stay there on a 10 year visitors pass that allows you to
come and go as you wish. Thailand will have you jumping through hoops on a regular basis
with their Visa requirements. Malaysia is one of the safest countries in the world. It has a
modern medical system. English is widely spoken. It has a world class telecommunication
system and modern highways. You would probably drive a car there; Thailand is dominated by
motorbikes. It’s an excellent choice for retirement.
My problem with Malaysia is the low fun quotient boring compared to Thailand. Maybe a
couple would find Malaysia more to their liking? The nightlife in the major cities can be
found, but leaves a lot to be desired. The expat community is a lot smaller. I went to
Malaysia’s second biggest city, Penang. The clincher for me was, I went to see the beaches
around Penang and they were polluted! You couldn’t swim there. I know there are some
beautiful beaches in Malaysia once you get away from the city, but it just isn’t Thailand.
Malaysia is far more conservative than Thailand. I looked forward to getting back to Phuket.
The Philippines
My second retirement exploration trip was to the Philippines. The big advantages here are the
widespread use of English and the significantly cheaper cost of living. I would guess the

savings is at least 15% over Thailand. The healthcare is good for those with money. Household
staff, including a driver and maid, is dirt cheap. It’s an island nation with loads of beautiful
beaches and scenery. It’s a conservative Catholic country. I was in a grocery store one
evening when everything stopped at 6 PM for the reading of the Lord’s Prayer over the store
intercom. Nightlife was comparable to Thailand in the big cities. It’s easy to get a visa and
stay forever, but who would want to? The Filipinos want to get out of there.
The Philippines has many problems, too many problems. Poverty and crime are widespread.
Crime is a big problem. Children are begging in the streets. The Poverty is much worse than
Thailand. There are armed guards everywhere. When I used the ATM at a bank, a shotgun
toting guard would stand next to me. I suppose you get used to it after a while, but I was a
little paranoid. You absolutely must live in a gated community with security if you live there.
There is great beauty in this Island nation. I’m sure many expats have found their little piece
of paradise, but the corruption and poverty are a turn off. The other problem is the food is
terrible! Philippine’s national dish is pork Adobo, pork cooked in soy sauce, vinegar, and
garlic. Adobo is not only limited to pork. Chicken, other meats and seafood are cooked this
way. It’s a vinegar based flavoring which is unlike the food in other Asian countries. Herbs and
spices are unknown. Cheap fast-food copies like Jollybees, which doesn’t serve a single
healthy food item, are popular. All the other Asian pacific countries have delicious spicy food.
I don’t know what happened to the Phils. For me, survival there would mean cooking all my
own food.
Vietnam
Next stop was Vietnam. I landed in Ho Chi Minh City, formerly Saigon. My first exposure to the
authoritative Communist regime was at the airport visa office. I offered my paperwork and I
received a terse, “You wait,” while they processed the paperwork. You need to arrange the
visa ahead of your visit. The cost through a service was $20. You can get a three month visa
and in some cases a one year and renew three or four times before having to purchase
another.
I hit the ATM and became an instant Vietnamese dong millionaire with the exchange rate of
about 20,000 to the dollar. The US dollar can also be used as currency. If you do, you’ll
receive change for transactions in Dong. Make sure you count your change. With the large

denominations, it gets confusing. I recommend you don’t change too much money at one
time, as you’ll end up with a large wad of notes. The largest denomination is currently
500,000 dong (approximately $26). Vietnam pegs its currency against the US dollar. This
means you are less subject to currency risk. Compared to other countries in Southeast Asia,
the cost of living is lowest in Vietnam. That makes it one of the most preferred retirement
destinations in the region. It’s considerably less than Thailand. One can live very well in
Vietnam for under $1000 a month.
Nha Trang is Vietnam’s most famous seaside resort-town and popular retirement destination.
Here's what a typical monthly budget looks like:
Rent: $350 for a large villa
Dining out: (breakfast and dinner almost every day): $150
Electricity: (running air conditioning at night and occasionally during the day) $40
Groceries: $50
Motorbike rental: $45
Gas, entertainment, miscellaneous: $50
The healthcare system isn’t in the same class as Thailand. Almost anything can be purchased
from pharmacies. Like Thailand, drugs can be purchased over the counter without a
prescription with the approval of the pharmacist. A visit to the doctor runs $5. If there are
serious health issues, a person can go to a foreign held hospital, for what is still an affordable
price or jump on a short flight to Thailand.
I loved the food in Vietnam. The French were in Vietnam for 200 years and it influenced the
food. The bread and pastries are some of the best in the world. That’s something you won’t
find in Thailand. I was a big fan of Vietnamese food in the US. A cup of coffee and a baguette
will run you about 2000 Dong or 15 US cents. The Vietnamese know how to prepare Western
food, unlike many Asian countries. Just sitting on the street in Vietnam is entertaining.
Passing time in a street café, drinking ten cent draft beers, surrounded by food stalls serving
delicious food for pennies, I could get comfortable there.
The nightlife in Saigon is subdued. Surprisingly, I saw marijuana being openly smoked in some
of the bars. There are bars where companionship is available, but it’s a little weird. A single
woman can’t visit a hotel room. She needs to have a room of her own. Finding companionship

in Vietnam isn’t a problem. It’s not hard to find a girlfriend. Vietnamese woman are
beautiful.
The biggest problem with Vietnam is the traffic. It’s chaotic with everyone constantly honking
their horns. It’s a nightmare! There are rules for driving, but no one follows them and there is
no enforcement unless the police can make money. Many locals drink and drive. The problem
is particularly acute in the evening when people drink and drive, swerving in and out of traffic
in their SUV's at high rates of speed, with little consideration for anyone else on the road. The
fine for killing someone with a vehicle is around $100. Most times when an accident occurs
people speed away. They do the same thing in Thailand, but here, it’s worse. There are no hit
and run laws in Vietnam. If you have an accident as a foreigner, you are at fault and must pay
money to the other party, no matter who caused the accident. In Saigon, It may be easier and
safer to hire a taxi rather than walk across an intersection!
There are conflicting reports on crime in Vietnam. I’ve heard that crime is a common
occurrence; break-ins, bicycles and motorcycles thefts, purse snatchings, low end stuff. Guns
are rare and major crime is almost nonexistent. I felt safe walking the streets of Saigon. It
certainly isn’t like the Philippines. You just don’t see many police. The police seem oblivious
to crime and again have little incentive to step in, unless they can put money in their pocket.
You are on your own. As in all these third world countries, you need to be vigilant. I would
rather walk around any city in the middle of the night in Malaysia, Thailand and Vietnam than
a city in the United States. These are relatively safe places. Guns are rare. Robbery, rape and
assault are rare. Be more worried about getting hit by a motorbike, than crime! A friend
pulled me out of the way, a second before I was creamed crossing a street. That was after I
looked both ways…five times.
Vietnam is a lot poorer than Thailand, and less technologically advanced. The people don’t
have that same spark you see in the Thais. This is not the land of smiles. The Vietnamese
seem to be more industrious than the Thais. The lower fun quotation, the ridiculous traffic,
lack of Western amenities that make living in a foreign country palatable, combined to make
Vietnam a tough sell for me. I crossed Vietnam off the list.
Cambodia
There is no doubt Cambodia is cheap and friendly, but it’s also the way down the list when it

comes to infrastructure. It’s improved in recent years, but it still has a long way to go. This is
a country that went through a horrendous civil war not too long ago.
Sihanoukville is 143 miles southwest of the Capital, Phnom Penh, and probably the most
desirable area in Cambodia because of the beaches. Unfortunately, visitors are regularly
ripped off by street thugs. Crime is rampant. When the sun goes down, the cops go home and
the criminals come out. The police spend most of their time trying to fleece tourists.
Cambodia is the wild west of SE Asia. Maybe someday, but Cambodia was not going to be my
retirement home.
Other Asian Countries
I considered other countries. Singapore has to be one of the safest places in the world. It has
high quality healthcare. The infrastructure compares with any Western country. It has
beautiful woman and great food. Everyone speaks English and you can work there, unlike all
the rest of the countries I considered. The problem is you probably have to work there
because compared to Thailand, it’s expensive. The cost of housing is comparable to the US. If
you want to continue to work and live in the East, this could be the place. I wanted to retire.
235,000,000 people live in Indonesia! That’s the 4
th
most populous country in the world and
they have the traffic to prove it. The Capital is named “The Big Durian”, after the thorny,
stinky fruit. Indonesia is a colorful and exotic country. Indonesian society is largely Muslim
and conservative. The nightlife in Indonesian cities is vibrant and modern. It’s not difficult to
have a good time if you know where to look.
Obtaining a visa for Indonesia can be a frustrating. The requirements and processes are
changing constantly. Healthcare is poor and certainly not up to Western standards,
particularly outside of Jakarta. Indonesia is an exciting expat destination, but it’s certainly a
country that has challenges. Terrible air pollution, incredible traffic and corrupt cops are the
turn offs here. It looks dirty and run down and when it rains, the place floods. I like to visit,
especially Bali, but I don’t want to live there.
In the end, the decision was easy. No other country offered what Thailand does. A
combination of Phuket’s beautiful beaches, good healthcare facilities, low cost of living and

smiling people were all part of the decision. Thailand was going to be my retirement home.
Chapter 3 - I Gotta Get Out Of Patong
Phuket is a big island with a resident population of over a half a million and many more during
high season. There are many beautiful beach resort areas and Patong is the biggest. It has
become more of a family destination over the years, but the red light district remains the
draw. It is the adult Disneyland and draws thousands of tourists nightly. The place is riotous
fun.
I’d recommend to any new expat retiree, enjoy the place, but get out of Patong as soon as
possible? It’s painful fun. It’s funhouse fun. You realize, Patong is a ghetto and Phuket is
beautiful and has so much more to offer, when you leave the ghetto.
I’d been living right off of Bangla Road, the main street in the heart of Patong for three
months and the honeymoon was over. I’d been out hitting it on a nightly basis and it was
getting old. I’d come home and try and sleep with the high volume bass beats coming from
the bars around me. They’d all be playing different music. It was a cacophony of noise that I
could still hear through ear plugs. There were two big construction projects going on
diagonally across the street. There is always construction going on there. They’d start pile
driving every morning at 8 AM sharp. I’d been out all night. Ye gods, I needed a change.
Expats are all over Thailand, but the most popular spots are Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Pattaya and
of course, Phuket. The estimate is 350,000 expats living in Thailand. I considered the most
popular expat destinations:
Chiang Mai
Chiang Mai is the largest and most culturally significant city in northern Thailand. It sits in a
lush tropical valley surrounded by mountains, with the Ping River winding its way through the
city. Chiang Mai is rich in history and has many Buddhist temples. The city center is
surrounded by a water-filled moat. Chiang Mai seldom gets cold enough in the winter evenings
to need a jacket, and has a low crime rate.
The cost of living is significantly lower than other popular expat destinations. Fully furnished
luxury condo and homes are available from $400 a month making it one of the top
destinations for expats. Hot springs mineral baths are located just outside the city. Beautiful
national parks are a day trip away. Trekking, mountain biking, and dirt biking are popular due

to the mountains and countryside that surround Chiang Mai. Visiting the hill tribes, the
Monkey Center, snake farms, and elephant camps are a must. The nightlife is fun with lots of
bars and discos. The people here are friendly and genuinely like Americans. There is a lot to
offer in the area.
Many expats think they’ve died and gone to heaven living in Chiang Mai. My problem with
Chiang Mai is that I love the beaches, 500 miles south. It’s as far away from the beaches as
you can get in Thailand. The other problem is the air pollution. The mountain location and
low-pressure combine to trap the smoke from forest-fires and the practice of burning rice
fields during the winter months. You can’t live there if you have respiratory problems.
Someday I may end up in Chiang Mai; I don’t know.
Bangkok
Bangkok is a city of ten million people. Being the regional business center for Thailand,
25,000 Americans call Bangkok home. A high level of luxury and good value living are what
attract many foreigners to settle in Bangkok. It’s trendy and sophisticated, but the city has its
shortcomings. Beggars, litter, rats, clusters of electricity and telephone wire hanging
everywhere, the ever present prostitution and of course traffic combine to make Bangkok a
lot like any other big city. Bangkok could never be described as a pretty city. What Bangkok
does have going for it is its vibrancy and energy. This is an exciting city and I love to visit.
The cost of living is relatively expensive. Nice places to live are relatively high priced. Public
transportation is very good and you don’t need to own a car. The expat community is
centered on the Sukhumvit area, where there are modern condos and low-rise neighborhoods
within reach of the metro or Skytrain. There is always something to do in this huge,
fascinating city. I love visiting Bangkok and I always love getting back on that plane heading
home. If you’re a city mouse, this is the place for you.
Pattaya
Conveniently located 100 miles Southeast of Bangkok, Pattaya is the destination for sex
tourism in Thailand. It’s very popular vacation spot with a large expat community.
I’m not going to mince words here. Pattaya is a shithole. Wandering around this place is
depressing: fat old guys, drunk aggressive punks, loud clueless Russians and incredibly cheap
Indians. I don’t know who makes for a worse tourist, Russians or Indians? Yes, I do, it’s Indians

and I‘m not being racist! Indians have a terrible reputation. They’ll go into the girly bars and
order a Coke and 4 straws! They find themselves banned as a race in some bars.
There is also a very real criminal element to the expat scene in Pattaya. I don’t understand
it. Some expats love the place. If you're single, male and need somewhere within striking
distance of Bangkok, I guess Pattaya works. I couldn’t wait to get out of the place last time I
was there and I’m not going back. It’s a beach resort with a pathetic, dirty little beach.
Say something positive about the place? Okay, it has some good golf courses. It's big,
energetic, exciting and can be enjoyed on a budget.
And, it’s a shithole.
Phuket
Located in the sparkling, turquoise waters of the Andaman Sea, Phuket Island, or the "Pearl of
the South", is a great destination for expats and tourists. With miles of golden, sandy
coastline, Phuket is a Mecca for sun and beach worshipers. Although it covers less than 220
square miles, there is plenty to enjoy and discover on this stunning tropical paradise. There is
more to do in Phuket both in and out of the water than any other place in Thailand. There’s
awe-inspiring scenery, breathtaking tropical sunsets, palm-lined white sandy beaches, serene
broad bays, lush green forested areas, mesmerizing blue lagoons and great food to be found
on the island of Phuket. Phuket is the best place to live in the best country in the world for
expats. I probably should qualify that, as my own humble opinion, but it’s my book.
I don’t have blinders on, Phuket has issues. There is the crowded high season, a
transportation system dominated by what’s known as the tuk-tuk mafia, a long rainy season,
corruption, a two tier pricing system for Thais and farangs and all of the other things about
Thailand that can drive an expat crazy. It’s also expensive! Well, not really, compared to the
West, but for Thailand, it’s expensive. I just can’t imagine a better place to hang your hat
than Phuket.
But you can’t live in Disneyland. I needed to find a place to live. I needed transportation
and that meant a motorbike. Motorbikes scare me. People die on motorbikes every day here.
Hang out near the Emergency Room entrance at any hospital and you’ll see a constant stream
of motorbike injuries entering. The pavement is unforgiving and we all have the scars to
prove it. You see gravel road rash on people everywhere. Tourists come, rent bikes and go

down. I would suggest you pass on renting a motorbike if you’re just here on vacation. As
much as I hate the tuk-tuks, they’re a safer mode of transportation over relatively short
distances.
I dropped $1800 on a new top of the line Yamaha and started learning how to drive a
motorbike. It took a year before I could say, I was comfortable driving. First of all, the Thais
drive on the left, the wrong side of the road for me. I can’t tell you how many times I found
myself driving down the wrong side of the road, when I first started. Driving on the right side
is ingrained in the brain after driving for 40 years. Then, there is the fact that Thais are
insane drivers. Traffic laws are not enforced, so drivers do whatever they feel like doing.
Passing on curves, running red lights, driving on the wrong side of the road, five people on a
bike, anything goes. Young Thai men (boy racers) drive erratically at high speed. Ten year old
children drive motorbikes! It’s nuts!
I’ve never seen a cop make a traffic stop.
I’d never driven a motorcycle before. Driving like a little old lady, I started exploring the
other local beach communities. I had made friends in Patong and still wanted to visit. Kata,
Karon, Nai Harn are all beautiful beach communities close by, but I chose Kamala, eight miles
north of Patong. Kamala is the place you retire with a girlfriend. I didn’t have one. I signed a
one year lease on a three bedroom condo for 25,000 baht a month ($800). It was more than I
was planning on spending, but the place had security, three big pools and was off in a
mountain jungle setting, five minutes from the beach. I’m still there three years later.
Chapter 4 - Politics As Usual
Thailand is an interesting country politically. Thais use the phrase "land of the free" to
express pride in the fact that Thailand is the only country in Southeast Asia never colonized
by a European power. His majesty the King has reigned since 1946, the world's longest-serving
head of state. The King of Thailand is titled Head of State, Head of the Armed Forces,
Upholder of the Buddhist religion, and the Defender of all Faiths. There are laws against any
criticism of the King with long jail terms for violations. Adulation of the King is instilled in
Thais at early age. The Royal Family is featured nightly on the news. The King is beloved by
the Thai people. He’s getting old now and what will happen after his death is anybody’s
guess. It feels like the King is the glue that holds this country together. The line of succession

is uncertain along with the future of the country. You want to be very careful when talking
about the King. Let me go further, DON’T TALK ABOUT THE KING. There are laws that will get
you thrown in prison or out of the country for saying anything negative about the King.
Thailand has gone through decades of political instability characterized by coups d’état as
one military regime replaced another. The latest was in 2006 when the government of Thaksin
Shinawatra was overthrown in a coup while he was out of the country. Thaksin had introduced
a range of policies to alleviate rural poverty that helped reduce poverty by half in four years.
He launched the country's first universal healthcare program. He was a wildly popular leader,
but the Thaksin government faced allegations of corruption, authoritarianism, treason,
conflicts of interest, acting non-diplomatically and muzzling of the press.

Thaksin was accused
of tax evasion, lèse majesté (insulting the King) and selling assets of Thai companies to
international investors. Thaksin had become ridiculously wealthy while Prime Minister, to say
the least. He sold his telecommunication business, tax free, for $2 billion while in office.
The Thailand Supreme Court found Thaksin guilty of a conflict of interest and sentenced him
in absentia to two years imprisonment. Thaksin is on the run in exile, but he’s angling to get
back in. He bankrolls the United Front for Democracy against Dictatorship also known as the
"Red Shirts". This is a powerful political group with their base in rural Northern Thailand. The
Northern rural majority of Thais still love Thaksin. They love him so much, they recently
elected Thaksin’s sister, Yingluck, Prime Minister. I don’t think she has a clue with little
political experience. The victory of the Puea Thai party, led by Yingluck over the Democrat
Party in the 2011 general election will not end the power struggle that has destabilized
Thailand for the past five years. It is only a matter of time before conflict develops between
the government and the royalist establishment, particularly if Yingluck seeks to pardon her
elder brother. The political situation in Thailand is in flux. It will always be in flux. Between
the beloved aged King, Thaksin, the Army and the Police, it’s an ongoing soap opera. The
political future of Thailand is a question mark.
Thai politics get heated. The occupation of Bangkok by thousands of Redshirts went on for
months last year, 87 people were killed and thousands injured before the military finally

broke it up. In the past they’ve done things like close the airport at the height of the tourist
season. If anything is going to happen, it will happen in Bangkok, 500 miles from Phuket. You
don’t see any political activism in Phuket. Phuket is farangland.
The fact is that corruption and abuse of power have taken deep root in every aspect of Thai
society. I assume every cop and politician in Thailand is corrupt. A job as a policeman is a
very desirable position in Thailand. It’s not the meager salary that makes it so; it’s the
potential bribe income. You can bribe your way out of almost everything here. It doesn’t
really affect the expats life often enough, that it’s a problem. It’s just the way of life here,
remember TIT? You’d be hard pressed to get anything done without paying off someone. Let
me rephrase that last sentence, you can’t get ANYTHING done. Somehow the place gets
governed. You get used to illogical and just plain dumb decision making and know the reason
why; somebody is making money.
Recently a police sergeant was robbed of a million baht ($30,000) while on the way to the
bank. Why does a police sergeant who makes $500 a month have $30,000 on him? You don’t
really expect an explanation for these kinds of things (TIT), but everyone knows why.
Take for example the public transportation system in Phuket. There isn’t one. There is in
other cities. The reason there isn’t one is the tuk-tuk mafia. Tuk-tuks are miniature busses
that hold six people. They’re all over the island. There should be a public bus system, but
because they’re making too much money ripping off tourists and paying off the right people,
there will be never be a public transportation system in Phuket. Phuket would like to have a
public transportation system, but they can’t get a company to take a public transportation
contract because the tuk-tuk mafia would murder the drivers of any bus company foolish
enough to take a contract. Life is cheap in Thailand. You can get someone murdered for $300.
Tuk-tuk drivers are infamous with a terrible reputation. A month doesn’t go by that you don’t
hear some horror story about a group of drivers beating up a customer in a fare dispute. The
stories go worldwide and give Phuket a bad name, but nothing gets done about it. Jet skis are
the other Phuket black eye. The scam is you rent a jet ski and when you return it you have to
pay hundreds of dollars for the damage you supposedly caused.
Often you see things that just don’t make any sense. You’re forever shaking your head in
wonderment. A day doesn’t go by that you don’t say to yourself…why? Why can’t they fix the

drainage system so the same roads don’t flood every time it rains? Why do the roads have to
be repaved every two years? How can they build a new resort on the beach adding to the
environmental disaster? Then one day, you just know. You’re enlightened. You finally
understand, grasshopper, TIT.
Chapter 5 - Buddha and Phi (Pee)
Thailand is 95% Buddhist and the rest are Muslims. There are more Muslims in South Thailand.
Kamala Beach, where I live, is a mostly Muslim village. I love Muslims. They’re sober.
There is often random violence in the southern border areas by militant Muslims bent on a
separatist movement. They want to be part of Malaysia. Malaysia doesn’t want any part of
them. It’s been going on for a long time and living here in Phuket, we’re untouched by it.
Conflict between Buddhists and Muslims is nonexistent throughout the rest of Thailand.
Buddhism is not an evangelistic religion, so there is no pressure to convert people. It is more
a belief system based around improving yourself rather than trying to change other people.
The Buddha is not worshipped as a god. Buddhism does not involve belief in a supreme being
and this is why many classify it as an atheist belief system. The purpose of kneeling in front of
the Buddha in Thailand temples is to remind people of the Buddha's teachings and to show
respect for their teacher.
Buddhism originated in India over two and a half thousand years ago. As it moved to different
countries it took on slightly different forms. The branches of Buddhism tend to be more about
differences in emphasis rather than differences in belief and it never leads to conflict. It
would be very difficult to describe Thai Buddhism succinctly. Theravada Buddhism is the
flavor here. Many scholars argue that the actual religion of most Thai people is not Theravada
Buddhism, but "ghost" worship. Thais believe in ghosts or what they call phi. Before there was
any mention of the Buddha in Thailand, there was phi.
There are many types of phi, some only are popular in certain regions. Some of the phi that
are part of most Thai communities include: 1) Phi Am which causes pain to internal organs; 2)
Phi Krasi which likes to eat entrails and is associated with dirty floors and the night; 3) Phi Ka
which possess women and can be warded off with the gifts of eggs; 4) Phi Phrai who are the
spirits of women who have died in childbirth and who enchant men; 5) Phi Pop which are
extremely violent female ghosts which devour men and haunt whole villages; 6) Phi Tai Ha

which spreads malaria; and 7) Phi Nangtani which is benevolent and feeds monks. One
surprising thing is that most Thai ghosts are female.
When a Thai baby is born and people come to see the new little darling, they will invariably
remark, “Ugly baby”. They do this because if phi hears that there is a new beautiful baby,
they will possess the child. The Thais are a very superstitious lot. All this phi craziness can be
very trying for the logical western man (farang). Simply accept it and don’t waste your breath
trying to talk a Thai out of their belief in ghosts. It’s like trying to talk a born again Christian
out of Jesus.
This year a rumor started that there was going to be another Tsunami on a certain day and it
spread like wildfire. Everybody had heard the rumor. I explained to my girlfriend that it’s
impossible to predict a Tsunami. You have to be able to predict an earthquake for one thing
and no one has ever done that. I pointed out that a Tsunami like the one in 2004 happens
maybe, once every hundred years. Thais left Phuket in droves, leaving many businesses
shorthanded for staff. Throw logic out the window when you arrive here. They’re a
superstitious lot.
I’ve attended many Buddhist services. There are many similarities with a Christian service, all
very ritualistic. Shaven headed monks draped in orange sarongs lead the service. People
worshipping together is a heartening experience. For the farang boring? Thai chanting gets
that way after a while. I go because my girl wants me to go. She’ll cook food, buy some drinks
or other small gifts and place them on a tray and present them as an offering during the
service. The crowd is mostly women. There is young and old, but it seems to be a middle aged
crowd. Everyone is kneeling on mats, I’m sitting in a chair off to the side with basketball
knees. My girlfriend is so beautiful as she prays to Buddha. I take in the vibrant colors and the
humanity. I discreetly take out my phone and check football scores.
Buddhism is about self-improvement. Buddhism doesn’t worship a god. I can hang with
Buddhism.
If you’re of a spiritual bent, Buddhism offers fascinating possibilities for self-awareness.
Buddhists should understand the difference between reality and self-delusion. One should
understand the nature of cause and effect, how actions now will have implications not only in
the short term, but in the long term. One should understand that desire and attachment

create weakness. Finally, one should practice respect for others if one hopes to gain others'
respect. Despite being agnostic, I have great respect for the teachings of Buddha. He once
said, “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said
it, unless it agrees with your own reason.” You’re not going to hear that kind of thing coming
from another religion, certainly not Christianity. Google “Buddha quotes” and you’ll find a
treasure trove of inspirational thoughts.
Rebirth (reincarnation) has always been an important tenet in Buddhism. Thais think of death
differently than Western people. The sea that surges, falls, and resurges, is the life that is
born, dies, and is reborn again.
No heaven, no hell Imagine.
The temperament of the people and the culture of Thailand are wrapped together through
Buddhism. “Buddha will provide” is instilled in the psyche of the people. Thais live their lives
differently because of Buddhism. It makes Thailand a very different and special place.
We can debate whether it’s better, but it’s certainly different.
Chapter 6 - The Thailand Retirement Budget
There isn’t one budget for expats. Individual choice is the determining factor, but let’s looks
at the costs of the major expenditures in everyone’s budget, housing, food, utilities,
transportation, medical, entertainment and miscellaneous expenses. Phuket, where I live,
and Bangkok are the most expensive areas to live in Thailand. Every expense across the board
is probably 20% higher than living in Northern Thailand. These are estimates of budget costs in
Phuket.
Housing
Let’s assume you’re renting. Non-Thais can’t own land here, so most expats rent. You don’t
want to arrive in Thailand during high season (November-April) and try and find a place to
rent in Phuket. The same housing could be twice as much during high season with few
choices. After high season is over is the best time for house hunting. One year leases with one
month damage deposit are customary. Try and get recommendations for honest landlords.
Getting a deposit back after the lease can be difficult with no easy legal way to press for
repayment.
I pay $800 a month to rent a three bedroom furnished place in a beautiful condominium

project. There are three pools and a manned security gate. Gardeners keep the grounds
immaculate. It’s five minutes from the beach by motorbike. The place can get crowded
during high season when all the units are occupied, but during most of the year, it’s very
peaceful.
You can rent a spacious villa with a sea view for $1500 a month and up. You can live like a
millionaire for $2000 a month with a big house and pool. A one bedroom house will start in
the $350 range. To get a nice one bedroom house you’re probably looking in the $500 range.
It depends on what area you want to live. If you want to live close to the beach, these are the
kind of prices you can expect for houses.
If you’re single, don’t cook and only need a room, prices start in the $250 a month range. I
know many people who live comfortably, just renting a room. They eat at inexpensive food
stalls and don’t want anything bigger. Lifestyle and pocketbook decisions are the determining
factor here.
Food
Food in Thailand is delicious and inexpensive, if you eat Thai food. My favorite food at a little
Thai restaurant is duck curry over rice, $1.60. Noodle soup with chicken is $1. If I go down to
the pub and have a burger with fries it’s $4.50. A pizza is $7.50. If you’re eating Thai food at
the average restaurant, you’re paying half the cost of farang food. It isn’t hard to find
western food, but it’s generally not as good as what you would expect to receive at home.
Anything that’s imported is significantly higher. I’ve found adequate Italian restaurants. Local
beef isn’t very good. If you want a good steak you buy imported beef and it’s expensive. I
don’t eat that much beef anymore.
I eat mostly Thai food prepared at home. I go to the open air markets a couple times a week.
This would be similar to a farmers market with different stalls for meat, fish, vegetables and
fruit. There are also supermarkets just like in the West. You can also buy in bulk at stores
similar to Costco. Many of the fruits and vegetables I’d never seen before I came here. All the
staples are available, but the quality that I see at home isn’t there. I really miss heirloom
tomatoes, for example. Tomatoes are tasteless. I’ve never had sweet corn here. Bread leaves
a lot to be desired. Thais don’t eat much bread. You can get a loaf of bread anywhere, but
you have to find a farang bakery to get good bread. I have to search for peanut butter. A can

of pork and beans is 20% higher. Cheese is a sad story. Wine is a sadder story.
Utilities
I pay about $15 a month for electricity. The biggest expense on utilities comes from air
conditioning. I rarely use it. My place is up in the hills and it gets a nice breeze and I don’t
need it. Everyone uses fans. If I had the air conditioner on all the time I wouldn’t be surprised
if the bill was $125 a month. Thailand is warm and humid and downright hot May-June. I’ve
just gotten used to it. Some homes need to be air conditioned. It depends upon location and
personal preferences. My water bill is $7 a month. Internet runs around $25 a month. Many
places will include it in the rent. I buy the cheapest cable TV connection because I don’t
watch much TV, but my girl does. We get all the Thai channels and a couple of English
channels for $10 a month. The most expensive cable options that include HBO, Sports and
movie channels is $55 a month.
I watch movies and American TV shows by downloading torrents and connecting the computer
to the HDMI port. My big expense is the online NFL football feed I buy every year for about
$300. This is the same as getting the NFL ticket from Dish network. Sometimes the Internet is
slow and it can be frustrating, but I need the NFL. Other American sports have similar
arrangements. The Sunday NFL games start at 1 AM Monday here.
Fuel and Transportation
A new Honda Click motorbike is $1700. You can pick up a used one for half that amount. The
Click is probably the most popular bike here. It has an automatic transmission and is perfect
for around town use. Everyone I know drives a motorbike. They get about 100 mpg.
Maintenance and repair are negligible. I don’t put on a lot of miles so I spend less than $20 a
month on gas.
Last year I bought the least expensive new car I could find, a Mazda 2. I got sick of driving the
motorbike in the rain and wanted the flexibility that owning a car offers. You definitely don’t
need to own a car. Less than half of my friends own cars. I bought new because used cars in
Thailand fetch unusually high prices. A used car you could buy in the US for $1000, goes for
$6000 here. Cars that are manufactured here are far less than those that have to be
imported. Thailand is the car making capital of Asia. It makes economic sense to buy new
unless you can find an unusually good deal.

Pickup trucks get a big tax break and are good value. A four door crew cab truck is half the
price of an SUV. Diesel fuel is subsidized by the Thai government making it 25% less than
gasoline. A four cylinder turbo charged diesel pickup truck will be as economical as small gas
engine car and they are similarly priced. Deals on new vehicles are unheard of. You pay the
list price at the dealer. Insurance on a newer vehicles run about $500 a year. Maintenance
and repair costs are far less than the US.
Entertainment
Phuket has become a family destination, but the adult entertainment business remains the
big attraction. Massage is available everywhere. A one hour massage runs $10. The naughty
boy version with a “happy ending” might run $30. Walking around Patong you probably get
asked if you want a massage every 5 minutes. Between getting asked if you want a massage,
tuk-tuk drivers asking if you want a ride or a tailor wanting to make you a suit of clothes, it
gets tedious after a while. I’ve developed the 500 mile stare. Ignore everyone trying to sell
you something. It usually works. Mi ow krap (no thank you or I don’t want) is the polite way of
getting rid of them. I gave up saying no thank you, a long time ago.
Shopping can be fun at the many small stalls. A Rolex copy runs $45 along with every other
expensive brand name in watches. Ray Bans are $3. Knock off copies of brand name clothes
like Lacoste, Polo and Armani are everywhere. Ask how much the price is, cut that in half and
walk away if you can’t get the seller to come down. It’s a game. It helps to know how much
to pay. A t-shirt shouldn’t cost more than $6. Clothes are cheap.
Movie theatres have ticket prices similar to the US. New movies make it here within the
month. There are golf courses all over Thailand. Some very nice ones in Phuket, but a round
of golf is about the same as the US. Expect to have a female caddy who knows her stuff.
There is cart racing, fishing, lawn bowling, surfing, snorkeling, mountain biking, bungee
jumping and shooting ranges. I can’t think of any entertainment that you can’t find here and
it’s usually cheap. There are countless outdoor recreational activities and in a safe
environment.
Medical
Other countries than the US have public and usually free medical programs. Most of my
friends are Australians or British. If they get seriously sick, they fly home. Americans don’t

have that luxury; they should buy medical insurance here. A good medical insurance policy
will cost about $1500 for a year. This will cover any hospital stay. Any outpatient doctor visits
you’ll pay for. A doctor’s visit will cost about $25. That was my deductible on my $500 a
month health insurance policy in the US.
The most important difference in US vs. Thailand on medical is the role of the pharmacist.
Drugs are available over the counter in Thailand. The pharmacist plays an important role here
by diagnosing common ailments and prescribing medication. This eliminates half the trips to
the doctor. Many of the drugs are generic and inexpensive. A prescription for amoxicillin is
$4. Pain medication is controlled and you’re probably going to have to go to a hospital and
see a doctor to get it, but codeine is available over the counter.
There is a range of quality on the hospitals in Thailand. Private hospitals and the doctors are
generally very good. Expect a semi private room and nursing care like the US. If you’re in a
public hospital after an accident, you’ll end up in an open public ward with the locals. Family
members will be sleeping beside the patient and taking care of them. It looks pretty chaotic
to me but the healthcare is acceptable, if that’s the way you have to go. It is cheap
compared to hospital costs in the US. People often come here for cosmetic surgery and
combine it with a vacation.
Summarizing budget costs, no one’s budget is going to be the same because of individual
lifestyles.
Low Budget - $1000 a month
This would be living in a room or a sharing a small apartment ($300). Eating mostly street cart
food or in low cost Thai restaurants ($100), no insurance, internet connection and utilities
($35), gas for a motorbike ($15), miscellaneous expenses ($100). That’s $550 before the all-
important entertainment expense. Depending upon how much you drink and how many
girlfriends you have that puts you well under $1000 a month. Many live the low budget life
style here. Teaching English is probably the most popular job for farangs in Thailand. It pays
about $1000 a month.
Medium Budget - $1700 a month
Someone on a medium budget is living in a two bedroom house ($500). Eats at a restaurant a
couple times a week, but prepares food at home. This retiree pays medical insurance ($125),

utilities ($50) and gas for a motorbike ($20). This guy has a girlfriend. He doesn’t want her to
work so he gives her $400 a month. A Thai girl is going to keep house and make meals. With a
trip to the pub a couple of times a week and the increase in food expense, you could expect
your budget to be in the $1700 a month range.
High Budget - $2500 a month
This is a budget for someone who lives at a luxury condo with a pool or rents a larger house
($1000 a month). He has a car and motorbike with all those expenses. This would be all the
expenses of the medium budget with a more expensive house and a car. This is a very
comfortable life style and similar to what you might expect in the US for three times this
amount.
The optional expenses would have to include entertainment. That would range from the
occasional happy hour beer to a different girl every night. It’s important to get out of town
sometimes and see the world. There is so much to see in Thailand and the surrounding
countries of Southeast Asia. You should get out and see the world. Airfares are cheap and
airlines often offer deals. Phuket is a regional hub and you can get to most major Asian cities
with direct flights. I try and avoid making connections through Bangkok. Buses and trains are
also available for less. A bus between Phuket and Bangkok is $15. Hotels are inexpensive
throughout Thailand with nice rooms available from $20 a night in the low season, $30 a night
for four star hotels. Backpacker accommodations can be had from for $10. Travel is
inexpensive here, especially during the low season, May through October.
Chapter 7 - The Thailand Retirement Visa
You’ve decided that the Thailand retirement setting of a warm climate, low cost of living,
pristine beaches, scenery and more than enough opportunity to find that special someone, is
for you. To stay here you’re going to need a visa. If you’re under 50, don’t have the cash for
the deposit requirement of the retirement visa, you’ll have to leave the country every 90
days. Every time you leave Thailand and come back the clock starts again. It’s a pain in the
neck. The fine for over-staying your Visa is $30 a day and capped at $650. There is a whole
industry that surrounds the 90 day visa renewal process. You take a day long van ride across a
border to get a visa stamp. It’s no fun. It doesn’t seem very tourist friendly does it? This is
Thailand.

You could make the visa run requirement an opportunity to travel. How about a trip to the
beaches of Bali for a few days? Tour the famous Angkor Wat in Cambodia, the largest temple
complex in the world, built in the 12th century. Vietnam is two hours away. The Philippines is
three. The Taj Mahal is four. See the world!
In order to get a retirement visa in Thailand you have to prove you have $2200 a month of
income or deposit 800,000 baht ($27,000) in a Thai bank account. That seems like a lot, but
it’s the average of what it takes to live well here. The Thais don’t want a lot of poor people
coming here to stay. They have enough of those. Because of a special relationship between
the US and Thailand, Americans only have to declare they have that amount of income
available and have that declaration certified by the American embassy. Rather than prove you
have that amount of money, you merely state that to an American embassy representative
and they’ll give you a certified form you bring to the Thai Visa office to apply for one year
retirement visa. The retirement Visa has to be renewed every year and costs about $60.
If you wish to leave the country anytime during the next year, make sure you get an entry
permit after you have received your “Retirement” stamp – otherwise you will have to leave
and start the process all over again from square one. You can buy a single reentry permit for
$30 or a multiple (unlimited) entry for $100.
To start the Thailand retirement visa process, you need a standard 90 day non-immigrant
visa. Ideally, it should be acquired prior to your arrival, in your home country. Once you are
in Thailand, you can apply for the retirement or “O” Visa. You’ll need the following:
50 years old of age or older
A passport with at least one year remaining until expiration
Proof of meeting the financial requirement
A non-Immigrant visa
A departure card (you get when you enter the country)
Three headshot photos (get extra, they’re required for lots of things)
The retirement visa allows you to stay in Thailand for one year. You are not allowed to have
employment with this type of visa. Also, you have to report your current address to
Immigration every 90 days.
The whole Thailand visa process is time consuming and convoluted. It is anything but user

friendly. Depending on the mood of the immigration workers, the process can become very
complicated. I’ve stuck $30 in the paperwork when handing over the paperwork, just to
grease the wheels. It’s always good to bring a Thai friend (read girlfriend) along to help with
the forms and translation. The Phuket Immigration office is always chaotic. I’ve heard the
officials at other Immigration offices are actually helpful! Remember that most government
offices close for lunch. They will stop accepting applications at 11:30. Don’t go on a Monday
and dress neatly. Good luck.
Mai Chob and the 90 Day Reporting Requirement (Authors note: Mai Chob is Australian
expat. He refers to his Thai girlfriend as NE or Neung.)
Somebody mentioned it was the 9th, and I thought, "Oh no, I’ve missed my 90 day report due
on the 6th!" I’m on a Retirement Visa, which allows me to stay in Thailand 365 days a year
straight, but I must report to an Immigration Office every 90 days. Failure to do so on time
incurs a 500 baht a day fine. I am a bit challenged when it comes to remembering dates, I
must admit, but I offer up the excuse that this is the Year 2555 in Thailand and that doesn’t
help me at all.
Thai girlfriends are generally not that happy to deal with officials, as it usually costs them
money and they don’t enjoy having to make excuses for dumb farangs. I think to date I’ve
have paid $30, $90 and $45 in fines, respectively. I broke the news to NE. "Again?" she said.
Then she scowled, “Why, why errytime you loom laow (forget already), huh? Are you ting
tong (crazy) or stoopid man (a rhetorical question, I guess)? I arks to you, “Khun Dee, put
paper (a reminder) on the glass (mirror) so I can see for you AN' I tell put in diary. Are you
listen? No, no and mai (not)!"
I always feel much worse telling NE about this issue than I do the Immigration officer for
some reason. I said, "Yesss " and tried not to laugh.
"Where? Where is passport you?" I handed her my Passport. She studied it with concentration,
went to say something, then looked at it again. "FUCKING IDIOT!!! What month is now, huh?"
she almost yelled.
"Geez, no need to get so loud, Nueng. It’s um it’s October yes, it’s October."
"Then why paper here say come back September? Huh? Is now September, huh?"
I grabbed the passport. "Report no later than September 6," it said. Sigh. I took to the

shower, but I could hear her mumbling and stomping around getting ready. On the way to
the Immigration office, NE was a bit kinder. I had showered, smelled nice and wore a crisply
ironed collared shirt. It’s therapeutic for a Thai Lady to see her man have a shower.
"I sapeak to man, nah? You nee-ap (quiet), nah? We lucky he Sichon man, speak same-same
my country (she means he’s from South Thailand with the same dialect). Last time we go and
late again, he say nothing bad to us, but make that other Australian man before us go
Phuket Town to pay 1,500. If he 3 day late and pay 1,500 that mean you muss pay um, how
much you muss pay Khun Dee?
"I don’t know, Nueng,” I lied, "I’m driving."
She’s thinking. "That mean (puzzled); that mean you are pay 15,000 BAHT! I CANNOT
FUCKING BELIEVE! IS MORE THAN ONE MONTH RENT!"
"I thought you were gonna speak nice, Nueng."
"BEFORE IM NOT KNOW HOW MUCH, TING TONG AH OK, ok shees." Silence.
I go in the place wai-ing (bowing), a “high wai” with hands near my forehead. NE grins like a
happy young girl. She hands over my passport and new house lease and tries to focus
attention on the latter. We are in luck by the look of it. The old bastard smiles broadly at
NE and says how are you to her, but of course, ignores me. Maybe he’s got a new gik (bed
mate) here. NE and him exchange pleasantries in the guttural vowel sounds of Thailand’s
South East Coast and “krob krua” (families) are mentioned. He looks puzzled as he flicks
through my passport and spends some time counting dates on his fingers.
"The dates are not correct," he grunts in Thai.
NE says something along the lines that we moved house and the passport was packed away.
Her farang (me) didn’t realize that he was overdue, and that we also need to register our
new Kamala address and we are really sorry. (Ironically, this is the very same excuse my old
girlfriend had used for me 2 years ago when I moved TO Patong, on the same official.
Fortunately, we farangs all look alike.)
He then gets sidetracked with the Visa Extension stamp being from Chiang Mai, and looks at
me, "You live Chiang Mai?" I say that we were there on holidays there on last Visa Extension
date and NE finishes off the story. He looks again through the passport again, sorta shrugs,
and starts filling in the forms.

We wait for the fine, and costs. He says, "Here, not be late again!" and gives back the
passport.
"Kup pom" I say, and wai. He hands back everything else.
I get out 100 baht as NE says, "Photocopy money from Khun Dee (Mr. Dean)."
Outside, I am elated. NE says, "You should give 500 for him. He show good heart and not
make you ploblem." I give her 500 and NE says, "You not hab 400? You gib 100 already."
I say, "Neung, give the man 500 more, say husband you, says thank you and I give for him to
buy good lunch."
NE did so. She comes back out and says, "Him talk the phone and say 'No, no, it’s ok,” but I
leave him on table. He happy.
"I exclaim, "So am I Nueng, so am I!"
Back at home all’s well and NE isn’t speaking bad anymore. BUT, I take a large piece of
paper and write, "REPORT DEC 6" and stick it on her mirror.
Later, NE says, "Khun Dee, wass is a DEC?"
Chapter 8 - The Game
This could be a book just about the game. The game is the adult entertainment industry. It’s
certainly the most popular expat topic of conversation among the men. I’ll just try to write
briefly on the subject. The typical expat is a single man. Social life revolves around the bar
scene. It’s where we go to meet friends, hoist a few and maybe find some companionship.
Every bar has its bar girls; they serve drinks and will be happy to spend time talking with you.
Buy them a drink and chat her up…instant companionship. They’re in the game. Girls make
money having customers buy them drinks. The price of the drink is split between the bar and
the girl.
You may decide to take the girl home, if she agrees. You’ll need to pay a bar fine of $15 to
the bar and then pay the girl between $30 and $60 ($45 average) for an intimate frolic. The
amount may vary with the girl and whether it will be for a short time (a couple of hours) or
long time (for the night).
This is part of life in LOS. It’s meant to spice up your life, not be the center of it. Some of the
girls are sweet and looking for a life partner and some are black hearted thieves. Some of the
most beautiful ones aren’t even woman, but ladyboys (or katoys, as they are known in Thai).

Many of them do end up as expat wives or in long term relationships. I don’t ask couples how
they met, anymore. Unfortunately, the stories are all to frequent of men losing everything to
one of these girls. If you’re going to walk the bargirl plank, I want the reader’s eyes wide
open.
Most cities have their bar/adult entertainment scene. The big three are Bangkok, Pattaya and
Patong. If you can’t get lucky in these places, you’re doing something wrong. Besides the
bars, there are go-go’s and discos. The Go-go’s are bars that have the girls dancing up on
stage, often naked. There are laws against it. Often, you’ll see the girls suddenly cover up
because the men in brown have walked in. For the most part, nudity is overlooked. Walk in,
see a girl dancing up on stage, fall in love and take her home. You just don’t get that
opportunity back in the West. Go-go girls are usually the cream of the crop. The bar fine and
what the girl receives can double. The discos are where you’ll find the “freelancers”. These
are girls who don’t work at a bar, but are still in the game. It’s interesting going to a disco
and having your choice of any of the hundreds of girls in the place. For a new tourist the
choices are overwhelming, all these beautiful girls! It’s like a kid in a candy shop.
Many of the girls are newly arrived in town and don’t speak English. They learn a few phrases.
“What’s your name? Where you from? Where you stay?” and they’re off and running. Often
the girls get off work from the bars and head to the discos. Things really liven up after 2 AM
and you don’t pay a bar fine at a disco, but there are drawbacks. If you have a problem with
a girl that you barfined, you can go back to the bar and straighten things out. Taking a