1000 câu chuyện cười song ngữ anh việt

VUI H C TI NG ANH

1000 CÂU CHUY N CƯ ｉ＠ｓｏｎｇ＠ｎｇ
ANH - VI T

English Funny Stories


“ Ch c là có,” ng i àn ơng nói, “nh ng s áng
nh th . Tôi mu n cô y th y i u gì x y ra cho m t
gã không nh u nh t, c b c ho c chơi gôn.”
HOW TO LIVE?

English Funny Stories
CHUY N V

CH NG

THE BUM …
A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the
street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not
going to spend in on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some
crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf
course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to
come home with him for a home cooked meal. The
bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the
man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of
him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she
sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I
want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't
drink, gamble or play golf."
K
N MÀY …
M t gã n mày ti n g n m t quý ông n m t sang
tr ng trên
ng ph . “Này, ông b n q, ơng có th
cho hai ơ la
c khơng?” Ng i àn ông n m c
sang tr ng tr l i:” B n s không tiêu ti n vào r u
chè, ph i không?”
“Không, th a ngài, tôi không u ng r u,” gã n mày
cãi l i.
“B n s khơng qu ng nó vào nh ng ván chơi tào lao,
ph i không?” ng i àn ông th ng l u h i.
“ Khơng theo l i ó. Tơi không chơi bài,” gã n mày
tr l i.
“ B n s không tiêu hoang ti n vào nh ng kho ng
phí hõm c a m t cu c gơn, ph i không?” ng i àn
ông h i.
“Không bao gi ,” tên n mày nói, “tơi khơng chơi
gơn.”
Ng i àn ơng h i gã n mày có mu n v nhà v i

ông ta n cơm nhà không. Gã n mày h m h
ng
ý. Trong khi h ang i h ng v nhà ng i àn
ông, gã n mày không th ng
c tính tị mị. “V
ơng s khơng n i gi n khi bà y th y m t gã nh tôi
t i bàn n c a ông à?”

1

"Darling," said the young man to his new bride.
"Now that we are married, do you think you will be
able to live on my modest income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But
what will you live on?"
LÀM SAO
S NG?
“Em yêu,” m t ng i àn ơng tr nói v i cơ dâu
m i.”Vì r ng chúng ta c i nhau, em có ngh em s
có th s ng b ng thu nh p khiêm t n c a anh?”
“D nhiên, anh yêu, không sao c ,” cô ta tr l i.
“Nh ng anh s s ng b ng gì?”
THEY HAD NO PRIVACY
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife
lived in a cheap housing complex near the base
where he was working. Their chief complaint was
that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no
privacy. This was painfully obvious when one
morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was
downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by

the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting
a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been
yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
H KHƠNG CĨ CHÚT RIÊNG T NÀO C
Khi là m t c p v ch ng tr m i c i, ng i ch ng
và ng i v s ng trong m t khu nhà liên h p r
ti n g n cơ s ng i ch ng làm vi!c."i u áng phàn
nàn ch y u c a h là các b#c t ng m ng nh gi y
và h không có
c s$ kín áo."i u này l ra hi n
nhiên m t cách áng bu n vào m t bu i sáng ng i
ch ng t ng trên và ng i v
t ng d i ang g i
i!n tho i.Ng i v b% c t ngang b i ti ng chng
c&a và i ra chào ng i hàng xóm.
“" a cái này cho ch ng cơ,” ơng ta nói và giúi m t
cu n gi y v! sinh vào tay cơ ta.”Anh y ã hét ịi
nó 15 phút!”
A HUSBAND WHO NEVER FEELS ASHAMED
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says
to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My
father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food.
My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car.
I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolls over on the couch. "And
you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two


worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a

cent!"
M T NG
I CH NG KHÔNG BAO GI
BI T X U H
“Em x u h v cách s ng c a chúng ta,” m t ng i
v tr nói v i ơng ch ng l i – ng i t' ch i i tìm
m t vi!c làm.” Ba em tr ti n thuê nhà. Má em mua
t tc
n.Ch% em mua qu n áo chúng ta. Cô em
mua xe hơi cho chúng ta. Em quá x u h .”
Ng i ch ng l n tròn trên i v ng. “Và em nên ti p
t(c ch) trích n a,” anh ta ng ý. “Hai ông anh vô
d(ng c a em không bao gi cho chúng ta m t xu!”
THE NEIGHBORS CAN NOT SEE YOU
Having been married ten years and still living in an
apartment, the wife would often complain about
anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to
buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a
new
apartment,
within
their
budget.
However, after the first week, she began
complaining again.
"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all.
There are no curtains in the bathroom. The
neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the

neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."
HÀNG XĨM KHƠNG TH NHÌN TH Y EM
C
"ã c i nhau m i n m nh ng v*n s ng
trong m t c n h , ng i v th ng phàn nàn
th#
vì cô ta m!t m i v vi!c ti t ki!m t#ng xu
mua
m t “ngôi nhà mơ c”.
V i c g ng an i v , ng i ch ng tìm m t
c n h m i h p túi ti n c a h . Tuy v y, sau tu n l+
u, ng i v l i b t u phàn nàn.
“Joel,” cơ ta nói, “em khơng thích nơi này tí
nào. Khơng có t m màn nào trong phịng t m. Hàng
xóm có th th y em khi em t m.”
“"'ng lo,” ch ng tr l i. N u qu th$c hàng
xóm th y em, h s mua màn.”
WHERE’S THE SHOE?
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after
she had imbibed a little too much at an office
reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he
decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to
get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were
driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down
2

and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the
passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he
waited until his wife was looking out her window

before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of
the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the
restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his
wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she
asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
CHI C GIÀY ÂU R I ?
M t bu i t i có m t ng i àn ông lái xe ch cô th
ký v nhà sau khi cô ta u ng hơi nhi u t i b a ti!c
chiêu ãi cơ quan. M c dù ây là m t hành vi vô t
nh ng anh ta quy t %nh khơng nói cho v - ng i
hay n i ghen d+ dàng – nghe.
T i hôm sau, ng i àn ông và v ánh xe n m t
nhà hàng. Thình lình anh ta nhìn xu ng và nh n ra
m t chi c giày cao gót ,n m t n&a d i gh khách.
Không mu n b% chú ý, anh ta i t i lúc v nhìn ra
c&a s tr c khi anh ta anh ta h t chi c giày lên và
qu ng kh i xe.
V i m t hơi th nh nhõm, anh ta lái xe vào bãi u
xe. Chính lúc ó anh ta chú ý th y v loay hoay
quanh gh ng i. “Anh u,” cơ ta h i, “ anh có th y
chi c giày kia c a em không?”
DUMMY HUSBAND
A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything
in the world for one day, what would you want?"
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her
up bright and early and off they went to a local
theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in
the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the

Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five
hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her
head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a
McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered
her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing
chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the
latestHollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn,
Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous
adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly
asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six
again?"
One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my
dress size."
NG
I CH NG NG NGH CH


M t ng i àn ông h i v :”N u em có th
c m i th# trên th gi i trong m t ngày, em s
mu n gì?”
“Em mu n tr l i nh h i sáu,” nàng áp.
Vào bu i sáng sinh nh t nàng, anh ta ánh
th#c nàng d y r t s m và h
i n m t công viên
ch
1 trong vùng. "úng là m t ngày vui! Anh ta
t nàng lên m i th# trò chơi trong công viên:
" ng tr t Ch t ng i, Vòng nhào l n Kêu thét,

B#c t ng S hãi, m i th#! H t x,y! N m ti ng sau
nàng l o o i ra kh i công viên, u óc quay
cu ng và b(ng nh l n xu ng. H i vào m t nhà
hàng McDonald, ng i ch ng g i m t cái bánh k p
th%t l n thêm v i th%t ram và m t ly sơcơla tr#ng
khu y.Sau ó h i t i m t r p chi u phim: b phim
thành công nh t, m i nh t Hollywood, hot dog, b p
n , Pepsi Cola. Qu là m t cu c chơi tuy!t v i!
Sau cùng nàng i lo ng cho ng v nhà v i
ch ng và
s(p xu ng gi ng. Anh ta ngã ng i và
h i m t cách âu y m:” " y, em yêu, tr l i nh h i
sáu tu i thì nh th nào?”
Nàng m m t m t:” Oi anh ng ngh!ch, ý
em mu n nói c- áo s sáu.”
A NEW MACHINE
The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a
machine he had invented that transferred labour
pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and
the machine was set up. But although it was set to its
highest setting, Billy felt not
a twinge.
Later that day he went home to pick up a few
items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman
lying on his door step groaning in pain.
CHI C MÁY M I
M t bác s h i m t ng i ch ng có v s p sinh r ng
có mu n th& chi c máy ông ta m i sáng ch chuy n
cơn au
t' ng i m sang ng i cha không.Billy

ng ý và chi c máy
c cài vào.Nh ng m c dù
chi c máy ã ch y h t công su t Billy c.ng khơng
th y au n gì c .
Sau ó anh ta v nhà
l y vài th# v yêu
c u và th y ng i a s a ang n m tr c c&a rên r)
au n.
DRUNK
Bob visited his friend Joe's house and was amazed at
how well Joe treated his wife. He told her several
times how attractive she was, complimented her on
her culinary skills and showered her with hugs and
kisses.
3

"Gee," Bob remarked to his friend, "you
really make a big fuss over your wife."
"I started to appreciate her more about six
months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage,
and we couldn't be happier."
Inspired by Joe's story, Bob hurried home,
hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her,
and said he wanted to hear all about her day. Instead
she burst into tears.
"Darling," Bob said, "whatever's the matter?"
"This has been the worst day I've had for a
long time," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off
his bike and hurt his ankle, then the washing
machine broke down. Now, to top it off, you come

home drunk!"
SAY
Bob n th m nhà Joe và kinh ng c tr c l i i x&
t t c a b n i v i v .Anh ta nói v i v
nm yl n
là nàng h p d*n ra sao, ca t(ng tài n u n khéo léo
c a nàng và ôm hôn v nh m a.
“A,” Bob l u ý b n,”anh quan tr ng hóa v
anh lên y.”
“Tơi b t
u ánh giá nàng cao hơn t'
kho ng sáu tháng nay,” Joe nói.”"i u ó làm s ng
l i hơn nhân c a chúng tôi, và chúng tôi h nh phúc
n
không th h nh phúc hơn
c n a.”
Lây c m h#ng c a b n, Bob v i vã v nhà,
ôm v , nói cho nàng nghe là anh yêu nàng bi t bao
nhiêu, và nói anh mu n nghe m t ngày nàng làm
vi!c ra sao.Thay vào ó nàng b/ng ịa khóc.
”Em u,” Bob nói, “Vi!c gì x y ra v i em v y?”
“ "ây là ngày t i t! nh t c a em lâu nay,”
nàng áp.” Sáng nay Billy té xe p và b% au m t
cá, sau ó máy gi t b% h .Bây gi , thêm vào ó, anh
l i say x)n v nhà!”
HOW TO BUY A PRESENT?
A man walked into a department store and told an
assistant he'd like to buy a present for his wife.
"Certainly, sir," replied the assistant.
"Perhaps a dress or a blouse?"

"Anything," said the man.
"And in what colour?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Size?"
"Immaterial."
Seeing the assistant's confusion, the man
explained that whenever he bought his wife
something she would always take it back to the shop
and exchange it.
"Why don't you get a gift voucher instead?"
the assistant asked him.


"Oh no," said the man. "That would be too
impersonal."
LÀM TH NÀO
MUA M T MĨN Q?
M t ng i àn ơng i vào m t gian c&a hàng
và nói v i ng i bán hàng ông ta mu n mua m t
món q cho v .
“" c, th a ơng,” ng i bán hàng áp. “Có
l m t cái áo m hay m t cái áo cánh
c ch ng?”
“Gì c.ng
c,” ng i àn ơng nói.
“Cịn màu?”
“Khơng quan tr ng.”
“C-?”
“Chuy!n nh .”
Th y s$ lúng túng c a ng i bán hàng,

ng i àn ơng gi i thích r ng m/i khi ơng ta mua
cho v cái gì ó thì bà ta ln em nó tr l i shop và
i.
“T i sao ông không mua m t phi u ã tr
ti n thay vào ó?” ng i bán hàng h i.
“0 khơng,” ng i àn ơng nói. “Nh th thì
q vơ tình.”
RELATIVES ?
A couple drove several miles down a country road,
not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and
neither wanted to concede their position. As they
passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
BÀ CON ?
M t c p v ch ng lái xe i vài d m xu ng m t con
ng ng q, khơng nói m t l i.M t cu c tranh
lu n tr c ó ã gây ra m t cu c tranh cãi, và không
ng i nào mu n nh n quan i m c a mình
thua.Trong khi h i qua sân ni la và heo, ng i
v h i m t cách ch nh o: “Bà con c a ông ph i
không ?”
“"úng,” ng i ch ng tr l i, “ Bên phía v .”
YOUR HORSE CALLED LAST NIGHT
A woman came up behind her husband while he was
enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the
back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your
trouser pocket with the name Marylou written on it,"
she said, furious. "You'd better have an

explanation."
"Calm down, dear," the man replied.
"Remember last week when I was at the races? That
was the name of the horse I backed."
4

The next morning, his wife whacked him
again. "What was that for?" he groaned.
"Your horse called last night," she said.
CON NG A ÔNG G I T I QUA
M t bà v i n phía sau ch ng và v/ vào sau u
ông ta trong khi ông ta ang u ng cà phê sáng.”Tôi
tìm th y m t m nh gi y trong qu n ông có cái tên
Mary,” bà ta nói m t cách gi n d .”Ơng nên gi i
thích.”
“Bình t nh nào, em u,” ơng ta gi i thích.”
Em có nh tu n qua anh xem ua ng$a khơng? "ó
là tên con ng$c anh ánh cu c.”
Sáng hôm sau, bà v l i phát m nh ông ta
m t cái.”T i sao em làm th ?” ông ta rên r).
”Con ng$a c a ơng g i tơí qua,” bà ta nói.
WE’VE SAVED ENOUGH MONEY
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told
his wife the good news: "Darling, we've finally
saved enough to buy what we started saving for in
1979."
"You mean a brand new Jaguar?" she asked
eagerly.
"No," he replied, "a 1979 Jaguar."
CHÚNG TA Ã TI T KI M

TI N
Sau nhi u n m keo ki!t và ti t ki!m, ch ng báo v i
v m t tin m'ng:”Em yêu, cu i cùng chúng ta ã
ti t ki!m
ti n
mua cái mà chúng ta b t u
dành trong n m 1979.”
“Ý anh mu n nói m t chi c Jaguar m i ph i
không ?” ng i v h n h .
“Không,” ng i ch ng tr l i, “m t chi c
Jaguar i 1979.”
DEATHBED CONFESSION
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was
maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile
hand, and tears ran down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."
He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired
voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the
weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept
with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned
you."
THÚ T I LÚC LÂM CHUNG

Jake ang lúc lâm chung. V anh, Susan, ang th#c
gi c bên c nh anh ta.Ch% ang c m bàn tay y u t
c a anh, và n c m t ch y xu ng m t ch%. L i c u
nguy!n c a ch% ánh th#c anh kh i gi c ng . Anh
nhìn lên và ơi mơi nh t nh t c a anh b t u hơi
nhúc nhích.
“Susan u q c a anh,” anh ta thì th m.
“Im i, anh yêu,” ch% ta nói. “Hãy ngh) ngơi. "'ng
nói.”
Anh ta v*n c ti p t(c. “Susan,” anh ta nói v i gi ng
m!t m i. “Anh có i u ph i thú nh n v i em.”
“Khơng có gì ph i thú nh n c ,” Susan khóc lóc tr
l i. “M i vi!c u n c , hãy ng i.”
“Không, không.Anh ph i ch t trong thanh th n,
Susan. Anh ã ng v i em gái em, b n thân em và
m em.”
“Em bi t,” ch% ta tr l i. “"i u ó t i sao em
u c anh.”
AFTER THE HONEY MOON
A young couple got married and left on their
honeymoon. When they got back, the bride
immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the
mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The
honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No
sooner had she spoken the words then she burst out
crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned,
Sam started using the most horrible language. He's
been saying things I've never heard before! All these

awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and
take me home... "
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm
down! Tell me,what could be so awful? What 4letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept
the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too
awful! You've got to come get me and take me
home... please mamma!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so
upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter
words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma
. . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
SAU TU N TR NG M T
M t c p trai gái tr c i nhau và i h ng tu n
tr ng m t. Khi h quay l i, ngay l p t#c cô dâu g i
i!n tho i cho m .
“Nào, tu n tr ng m t ra sao? “ ng i m h i.
“0, m !” cô ta la lên. “Tu n tr ng m t thì tuy!t!
R t lãng m n!” Ch ng m y ch c sau khi nói ra cơ ta
5

ịa khóc. “Nh ng m
… v'a khi t(i con quay v ,
Sam b t u dùng ngôn ng kinh khi p nh t. Anh y
ã nói nh ng th# con ch a bao gi nghe tr c ây!
T tc
u là nh ng t' b n ch cái1 áng s ! M
ph i n ón con và a con v nhà … “
“Nào Sarah …” m cơ ta tr l i. “Bình t nh nào! Nói

cho m nghe, cái gì mà q áng s v y? Nh ng t'
b n ch cái nào mà anh ta ã s& d(ng?”
“"'ng b t con k cho m nghe, m .” ng i con
gái khóc. “Con ang th t b i r i! Nh ng ch ó quá
d+ s ! M ph i n ón con và a con v nhà …
nghe m !”
“Con yêu, con ph i nói cho m nghe cái gì làm con
q b i r i nh v y … Hãy nói cho m nghe nh ng
t' b n ch cái kinh khi p này!”
V*n cịn th n th#c, cơ dâu tr l i, “0, m … nh ng
t' nh rác, gi t, i, và n u n ng!”
I HAVE TO SHOW HER …
Everybody's heard of the Air Force's ultra-highsecurity,super-secret base in Nevada, known simply
as "Area 51?"
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at
Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing
at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded
the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation
room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from
Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was
about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full
FBI background check on the pilot and held him
overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced
that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They
gassed up his air-plane, gave him a terrifying "youdid-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats
of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him
Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading,
and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air
Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once
again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time
there were two people inside.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do
anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane
and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
TÔI PH I CH RA CHO CƠ Y
Có ai ã nghe v c n c# c$c k1 an ninh, siêu bí m t
c a không l$c (M2) Nevada,
c bi t d i tên
g i ơn gi n “Vùng 51?”
Vào m t bu i chi u mu n, ng i không l$c Vùng
51 r t ng c nhiên th y m t chi c Cessna h cánh t i


c n c# “bí m t” c a h . H l p t#c nh t chi c máy
bay và lơi phi cơng vào phịng th,m v n.
Câu chuy!n c a viên phi công là anh ta c t cánh t'
Vegas, b% l c và phát hi!n ra c n c# ngay khi anh ta
s p h t nhiên li!u. Không l$c b t u m t cu c ki m
tra thông tin c n thi t c a FBI v viên phi công và
gi anh ta qua êm trong su t cu c ph ng v n.
Vào ngày hôm sau, cu i cùng h tin r ng viên phi
công l c th$c s$ và không ph i là m t gián i!p. H
cung c p nhiên li!u cho chi c máy bay, a cho anh
ta m t ch) d*n áng s “anh ã không th y m t c n
c#”, cùng v i nh ng l i e d a anh ta s
tù su t
quãng i còn l i, nói v i anh ta Vegas có

ng
bay nh th , nh th , và ti+n anh ta lên
ng.
Ngày hôm sau, trong s$ b t ng không th tin
c
c a không l$c, c.ng chi c Cessna ó xu t hi!n tr
l i. M t l n n a, quân c nh bao quanh chi c máy
bay … nh ng l n này có hai ng i bên trong.
C.ng viên phi cơng ó nh y ra và nói:”Các ơng làm
gì tơi c.ng
c, nh ng v tôi ang trên máy bay
và các ông ph i nói v i cơ y t i qua tôi
âu!”
I JUST HAD A DREAM ABOUT IT …
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After
she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed
that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's
day.
What do
you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a
small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she
opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning
of dreams".
EM CÓ M T GI C MƠ V
I U Ó…
M t ph( n tr ng tr a. Sau khi cơ th#c
d y, cơ nói v i ch ng:”Em ã mơ úng r ng anh
t ng em m t chu/i h t ng c trai trong ngày

Valentine. Anh ngh nó có ý ngh a gì?
“T i nay em s bi t.” anh ta nói.
Chi u t i hơm ó, ng i àn ơng i v nhà
v i m t gói nh và t ng v . Ng i v vui m'ng m
nó ra – ch)
th y m t cu n sách t$a “Ý ngh a c a
nh ng gi c mơ.”
DON’T MESS WITH THE MAID
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her
French maid.After a long list of stinging remarks
about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper,
she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't
allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband
6

considers me a better housekeeper and cook than
you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said
nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl
continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that,
too?"
"No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your
husband, the mail man!"
NG L N X N V I NG
I GIÚP VI C
NHÀ
M t quý bà Beverly Hills n i gi n cô giúp vi!c
ng i Pháp. Sau m t b n danh sách dài nh ng nh n

xét khó ch%u v nh ng l/i c a cơ ta khi n u n và
qu n gia, bà u i cơ giúp vi!c.
Ng i giúp vi!c, v i dịng máu Celte, không th
ch p nh n m t s$ l ng m nh v y ra i khơng có
câu tr l i. “Ch ng bà xem tôi là m t ng i qu n gia
và n u n t t hơn bà, th a bà.Chính ơng ã nói v i
tơi.”
Ng i àn bà giàu có ch) nín nh%n và khơng nói gì.
“Và hơn n a,” cơ gái gi n d ti p t(c, “ trên
gi' ng tôi gi i hơn bà !”
“Và tôi cho r ng ch ng tôi c.ng nói v i cơ i u
ó?”
“Khơng, th a bà,” ng i giúp vi!c nói. “Khơng ph i
ch ng bà, ông a th !”
FRIEND FOR DINNER
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a
friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess,
I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and
I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for
supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about
getting married."
B N NT I
“Em yêu,” ch ng nói v i v , “Anh ã m i
i b n n nhà ta n t i.”
“Cái gì?Anh có iên khơng? Nhà c&a thì l n
x n, em thì ch a i ch , chén a thì dơ, và em

khơng mu n n u m t b a n k1 khôi !”
“Anh bi t h t r i.”
“V y t i sao anh m i b n n t i?”
“Vì th ng ng t i nghi!p ang ngh
n vi!c
c i v .”
THE SECRET
m t ng


Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you
told her the secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told
her not to tell you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I
told you that she told me."
I U BÍ M T
Jill than phi n v i Nina:”Rosey nói v i anh
r ng em nói v i cơ ta i u bí m t anh ã nói v i em
'ng nói v i cô ta.”
“À,” Nina tr l i v i gi ng t$ ái:” Em ã nói
v i cơ ta 'ng nói v i anh em ã nói v i cơ ta.”
“Ơi tr i!” Jill th dài. “Thơi, 'ng nói v i cơ
ta anh ã nói v i em r ng cơ ta nói v i anh.”
THE STATUE
A woman was in bed with her lover when
she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She
quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she
dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I

tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as
he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied
nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even
later that night when they went to sleep. Around two
in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to
the kitchen and returned a while later with a
sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the
'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the
Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so
much as a glass of water.
B CT
NG
M t ph( n ang n m trên gi ng v i ng i
tình thì cơ ta nghe ng'ơi ch ng m c&a tr c.
“Nhanh lên!” cơ ta nói. “"#ng trong góc
nhà.” Cơ ta nhanh chóng xoa d u tr em lên kh p
ng i anh ta và sau ó r c b t talc lên ng i anh ta.
“"'ng c& ng cho n khi nào em b o anh,” cơ ta
thì th m. “Hãy t ng t ng anh là m t b#c t ng.”
“"ây là cái gì v y em yên?” ng i ch ng h i
khi b c vào phịng.
“0, ó ch) là m t b#c t ng,” cô ta tr l i
m t cách th ơ. “Gia ình Smiths mua m t cái t
trong phòng ng c a h . Em r t thích, em c.ng mua
m t cái cho nhà ta.”

7

Khơng ai nói gì v b#c t ng n a, th m chí
c khuya hơm ó lúc h i ng . Vào kho ng hai gi
sáng, ng i ch ng th#c d y, i vào nhà b p và quay
l i m t lúc sau v i m t cái bánh sandwich và m t ly
s a. “"ây,” anh ta nói v i “b#c t ng” , “ n cái gì
i ch#. Tôi #ng nh m t th ng ng c nhà Smith
trong 3 ngày và không ai a cho tôi ngay n c
m t ly n c.
WISDOM TEETH
One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks
how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an
anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on
anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of
pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head.
"If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I
suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife
for next Tuesday !"
R NG KHÔN
M t ngày kia, m t ng i àn ông b c vào m t

phòng nha s và h i giá nh r ng khôn là bao nhiêu.
“Tám m ơi ô la,” nha s nói.
“"ó là m t con s l lùng,” ng i àn ơng nói. “Có
cách nào r hơn khơng?”
“0,” nha s nói, “n u ơng khơng dùng thu c tê, tơi
có th h giá xu ng cịn 60 ơ la.”
“Nh v y v*n cịn q t,” ng i àn ơng nói.
“" c r i,” nha s nói. “N u tơi ti t ki!m thu c tê và
ch) lôi to t r ng ra v i m t cái k m thì tơi có
th tính giá 20 ơ la.”
“Khơng,” ng i àn ông rên r), “nh v y v*n còn
quá nhi u.”
“H'm,” nha s gãi u nói. N u tơi
m t trong
nh ng sinh viên c a tôi làm thêm kinh nghi!m thì
tơi cho là tơi có th tính giá ch) 10 ô la.”
“Tuy!t,” ng i àn ông nói, “ t tr c cho v tôi
vào th# Ba t i !”
HOW DID YOU DIE ?
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike
up a conversation. The first man asks the second.
"So, how'd you die?"
"I froze to death," says the second.


"That's awful," says the first man. "How does
it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the
second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains
in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a

very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of
drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how
did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so
one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up
to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran
down to the basement, but no one was hiding there,
either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was
hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the
attic,
and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack
and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so
ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" Asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the
freezer, we'd both still be alive."
ÔNG CH T NH TH NÀO ?

WHY MY MOM LEARNT TO PLAY
CLARINET?

Hai ng i àn ông i c ng ng c b t u
m t cu c nói chuy!n. Ng i th# nh t h i ng i th#
hai: “Sao ông ch t v y?”
“Tơi b% óng b ng n ch t,” ng i th# hai
nói.
“Th t kh ng khi p,” ng i th# nh t nói.
“Ơng c m th y ra sao khi b% óng b ng t i ch t?”

“Tr c h t ơng c m th y r t khó ch%u”,
ng i th# hai nói. “Ơng b% run, và ơng c m th y au
t t c các ngón tay và chân. Nh ng cu i cùng s
c m th y r t êm m ra i.
Ơng b% tê cóng và ông c m th y ki u nh trôi i,
nh th ơng ang ng . Cịn ơng thì sao, ông ch t
nh th nào?”
“Tôi b% au tim,” ng i àn ơng th# nh t nói.
“Ơng coi, tơi bi t v tơi ang l'a d i tơi, vì v y m t
ngày kia tôi xu t hi!n b t ng
nhà. Tơi ch y lên
phịng ng , và th y cơ ta m t mình ang an . Tơi
ch y xu ng t ng h m nh ng c.ng không ai n p
ó. Tơi ch y lên t ng hai, nh ng c.ng khơng ai núp
ó. Tơi ch y h t s#c tôi lên gác mái, nh ng khi tôi
v'a n ó thì tơi b% m t cơn au tim n ng và ch t.”
Ng i àn ông th# hai l c u. “Th t q
m)a mai,” ơng ta nói.
“Ơng mu n nói gì?” ng i àn ơng th# nh t
h i.
“N u ơng ch) vi!c d'ng l i
nhìn vơ máy
p l nh thì hai ta h n ã cịn s ng.”

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy,
the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any
regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty
easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while
now...
Just before lying down on the bed, she

glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the
floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled
with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the
top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill,
and gives it to him, "Awww, my honey is so
depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next
door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and
remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't
think about it again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but
afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the
money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he
returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with
much disappointment,
"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger,
"Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her
husband came over here... I only charged him
fifty..."
CÓ B U

8

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to
learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for
her birthday.A few weeks later, I asked how she was
doing with it.
"Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I
persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked.
"Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she
can't sing."
T I SAO M TÔI H C CHƠI CLARINET?
Ba m tôi g n ây ngh) h u. M tôi luôn mu n h c
chơi piano, vì v y ba tơi mua cho bà m t cái trong
ngày sinh nh t. M t vài tu n sau, tôi h i bà chơi àn
nh th nào.
“0, ba m tr l i cây àn piano.” Ba nói, “ba thuy t
ph(c m thay vào ó chuy n sang chơi clarinet.”
“Sao v y?” tơi h i.
“Vì,” ơng tr l i, “v i m t cây clarinet, m không
th hát.”
PREGNANT


Vì v mang b u tháng th# tám nên ng i ch ng ph i
ng trên n n nhà
tránh b t c# sai sót áng ti c
nào v n khá d+ x y ra, vì anh ta ã t'ng li u l nh
trong m t lúc cho n lúc y...
Ngay tr c khi n m xu ng gi ng, ng i v li c
nhìn ch ng và th y anh chàng t i nghi!p co mình
trên sàn nhà, m t m to tr'ng tr'ng vào kho ng
không y ham mu n tuy!t v ng...
C m th y t i nghi!p cho ch ng, v m ng n kéo
trên cùng c a t , l y ra m t t gi y b c n m m ơi
ô la và a cho anh ta,” 3, c ng c a em quá bu n
... ây, c m cái này và i t i cô k bên nhà, cô ta s
cho anh ng v i cô ta êm nay ... và nh r ng vi!c

này ch) x y ra m t l n thơi ...
c ch#? ... 'ng
ngh t i i u ó l n n a nhé.”
Ng i ch ng tròn m t trong s$ hoài nghi, nh ng s
r ng v có th thay i ý ki n, anh ta c m ti n và
nhanh chóng r i i. M t vài phút sau, anh ta quay
l i, a t b c l i cho v và nói v i nhi u th t v ng:
“Cơ ta nói nh v y thì khơng , cơ ta mu n sáu
ch(c.”
Khn m t ng i v d n d n b'ng
vì gi n, “Con
chó cái áng nguy n r a ... khi nó có b u và ch ng
nó i qua ây ... tao ch) ịi ch ng nó có n m
ch(c...”
MILLIONAIRE
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who
made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"
asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire..."
TRI U PHÚ
M t ph( n nói v i b n:”Chính tơi là ng i
làm ch ng tơi thành m t tri!u phú.”
“Và ơng là gì tr c khi b n c i ông?”
ng i b n h i.
Ng i ph( n áp:”M t t) phú...”
MALE LOGIC
A man and his wife are in court getting a
divorce.
The problem was who should get custody of

the child.
The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor.
I brought the child into this world with pain and
labor. She should be in my custody."
The judge turns to the husband and says,
"What do you have to say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then
slowly rose.
9

"Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending
machine and a Pepsi comes out...whose Pepsi is
it...the machine's or mine?"
LOGIC ÀN ƠNG
M t ng i àn ơng và v anh ta ang trong
tòa án ly d%.
V n là ai s giám h #a tr .
Ng i v nh y lên và nói:”Th a q ngài,
tơi ã a #a tr vào th gi i này trong c$c nh c và
cơn au .Nó úng ra ph i trong s$ giám h c a
tơi.”
Quan tịa quay qua ng i ch ng và nói:”Ơng
ph i nói gì bi!n h ?”
Ng i àn ơng ng i xu ng tr m ngâm m t
h i ... sau ó t' t' #ng d y.
“Th a quý ngài, n u tôi t m t ô la vào
máy bán hàng và m t lon Pepsi i ra ... lon Pepsi là
c a ai ... c a máy hay c a tôi?”
MEDICAL MIRACLE
An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man.

After about six months together, the woman wasn't
feeling well and she went to her doctor.
The doctor examined and said,
"Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a
mother."
"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."
"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I
would have said it was impossible, but this
afternoon you are a medical miracle."
"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of
the office. She walked down the hall and around the
corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she
dialed her husband.
"Hello," she heard in his familiar halting
voice.
She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me
pregnant!"
There was a pause on the line. Finally, her
husband answered, "Who's calling please?"
PHÉP L Y H C
M t bà lão 80 tu i c i m t ông lão 85 tu i. Sau sáu
tháng chung s ng, bà lão c m tháy không kh e và bà
i bác s .
Bác s khám và nói:”Xin chúc m'ng, bác Jones, bác
s là m t bà m .”
“Hãy nghiêm túc, bác s , tôi 80 tu i.
“Cháu bi t,” bác s nói,”sáng nay, cháu h n s nói
i u này b t kh , nh ng chi u nay bác là m t phép
l y h c.”

“Tôi s b% nguy n r a,” bà lão tr l i và i x c ra
kh i phòng m ch. Bà i xu ng hành lang và quanh
góc nhà nơi
i!n tho i. Trong m t cơn gi n, bà
quay s g i ch ng.
“Hello,” bà nghe gi ng ng p ng'ng quen thu c c a
ơng.
Bà la lên:”Ơng CHĨ "4 i b i. Ơng ã làm tơi
mang thai.
Trên
ng dây ng ng l i m t tí. Cu i cùng, ch ng
bà tr l i:”Xin vui lòng cho bi t ai ang g i?”
SPEEDING...
A Guy and his wife are driving a car along a twisty
road with a 55MPH limit. Cop pulls the guy over.
"Had you going about 70 in 55 back there,"
says the cop.
"Not me," says the guy, "Could be your radar
picked up someone else or something, but my
speedometer was set right on 55."
Wife pipes up, "You were to going 70. I've
told you 20 mile back you were going to get stopped
if you didn't slow down."
"Shut up would ya!" mumbles the guy.
"Can I see your proof of insurance?" asks the
cop.
"Sure, my card is right here in my wallet."
Wife says, "That card's no good and you know
it. You haven't paid the last premium and the

company sent you a cancellation notice."
"Damn," yells the guy. "Would you shut the
hell up for once"
"Ma'am," says the cop, "Does this guy always
talk to you like this?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
CH Y QUÁ T C
...
M t gã àn ông và v ang lái m t chi c xe hơi trên
con
ng trên con
ng khúc khu5u có gi i h n
t c
55 d m/gi . C nh sát l!nh cho anh ta d'ng
vào v!
ng.
“Ông ã ch y kho ng 70 trong gi i h n 55 phía sau
kia,” c nh sát nói.
“Khơng ph i tơi,” gã nói, “có th radar các ơng qt
ai ó khác ho c v t gì ó, nh ng cơng tơ mét c a tơi
ch) úng 55.”
Ng i v nói to lên:”anh ch y 70. Em ã nói anh
gi m 20 d m anh s b% d'ng n u anh không ch y
ch m xu ng.”
“Câm m bà l i!” gã l m b m.
“Tôi có th xem gi y t b o hi m không?” c nh sát
h i.
“" c, th c a tôi ngay trong bóp tơi.”
10

V nói:”Th ó khơng thích h p và anh bi t v y.
Anh ch a tr ti n phí b o hi m v'a r i và công ty ã
g&i anh m t thông báo h y b .”
“M ki p,” gã thét lên. “Bà có ch%u câm cái mõm
chó ch t c a bà m t l n khơng.”
“Th a bà,” c nh sát nói, “ơng này có ln nói v i bà
nh th này khơng?”
“Ch) khi ông y ã u ng r u.”
ROMANCE
An older couple was lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt
romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to
hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a
second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used
to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave
her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used
to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed
covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
LÃNG M N
M t t i kia, m t c p v ch ng có tu i ang
n m trên gi ng. Ng i ch ng rơi vào gi c ng
nh ng ng i v c m th y tình c m dâng trong lịng
và mu n nói chuy!n. Bà nói:”Anh th ng c m tay
em khi chúng ta yêu nhau.”
M t cách m!t m i, ông v ơn ngang tay, c m

tay bà trong m t giây, sau ó c quay l i gi c ng .
M t lát sau bà nói:”Sau ó anh th ng hơn
em.” Hơi b$c d c, ông v ơn ng i qua, hôn v i m t
cái trên má và n m xu ng ng .
Ba m ơi giây sau, bà nói:”Sau ó anh
th ng c n c em.” "iên ti t, ông qu ng t m tr i
gi ng và nh y ra kh i gi ng.
“Anh i âu?” bà h i.
“L y hàm r ng!”
FORGET IT
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his
friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and
have an affair?" Doug suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go
ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think
an affair will bring us closer together."


Sau hàng tu n trên
ng i, m t tài x xe t i ch y
vào m t nhà ch#a. Ông ta b c t i bà ch ch#a, p
500 ô la trên qu y và ra l!nh:”Cho tôi m t sanwich
bologna và m t em x u nh t, hèn h nh t, tính tình
t m nh t trong nhà này.”
Tú bà nhìn tài x và la lên:”Th a ơng, v i s ti n
này ơng có th n món steak ngon nh t và hai em d+
th ơng nh t bang.”

Tài x t' t' nhìn lên và v i gi t n c m t trong m t,
anh ta nói:”Bà khơng hi u, tơi khơng ói và tìm b n
tình, tơi nh nhà!”

"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear,
make obscene gestures and has a better driving
record than me."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical."
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired
of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too
hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...

"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather
Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry
basket."
"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."
I U ÀN ƠNG TH C S NĨI

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

“Tôi s

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it
never worked."
QN I U Ĩ I
“Hơn nhân c a tơi khơng cịn gì thú v% n a,” Bill nói
v i b n Doug.
“T i sao không thêm s$ ngo i tình vào cu c i b n
và có thêm m t m i tình?” Doug ngh%
“Nh ng v tơi tìm ra thì sao?”

“" qu5, chúng ta ang s ng trong m t th i i
m i, Bill . Hãy th& và nói v i cơ y v i u ó!”
Th là Bill v nhà và nói:”C ng, anh ngh m t m i
tình s làm cho chúng ta g n nhau hơn.”
“Quên i u ó i,” v nói. “Em ã th& r i – ch a
bao gi hi!u qu .”
ON THE ROAD
After weeks on the road an over the road trucker
pulled into a brothel.The trucker walked up to the
madam, slapped $500.00 on the counter and
demanded "Give me a bologna sandwich and the
ugliest, meanest, most foul tempered woman in the
house."
The madam looked at the trucker and
exclaimed, "Sir for this kind of money you can have
the best steak with all the trimmings and two of the
prettiest girls in the state."
The trucker slowly looked up and with a tear
in his eye said, "You don't understand, I'm not
hungry or looking for company, I'm homesick!"
TRÊN
NG I

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself , and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim
by in complete safety."
"Woman driver."
Really means...

11

i câu cá.”
Ngh a th$c s$...
“Tôi s i u ng r u m t mình, và #ng bên
dịng n c v i c n câu trong tay trong khi cá bơi bên
c nh an toàn tuy!t i.
“Tài x n .”
Ngh a th$c s$ ...


“Ai ó khơng ch y nhanh, khơng bám i
xe khác m t cách nguy hi m, khơng có nh ng c& ch)
t(c t u và có ti n s& lái xe t t hơn tơi.”
“"ó là m t v n
àn ông.”
Ngh a th$c s$ ...
“Không có m t ki u m*u suy ngh lý trí nào
k t n i v i nó, và b n khơng có cơ h i nào
làm
nó có logic.”
“6 há,” “6, c ng,” ho c “Vâng, em u.”
Ngh a th$c s$...
Tuy!t i ch ng có gì. "ó là m t ph n x có
i u ki!n nh chó c a Paplop ch y n c dãi.
“V tôi không hi u tôi.”
Ngh a th$c s$...
“Cô y ã nghe t t c các câu chuy!n c a tôi
tr c ó, và m!t m i vì chúng.”
" gi i thích thì q dài.

Ngh a th$c s$...
“Tơi khơng có ý ki n gì nó x y ra nh th
nào.”
“Hãy t m ngh), c ng, em làm vi!c quá
n ng.”
Ngh a th$c s$...
“Tơi khơng th nghe trị chơi c a máy hút
b(i.”
“"ó là m t phim hay th$c s$.”
Ngh a th$c s$...
“Nó có súng, dao, xe phóng nhanh, và
Heather Locklear.”
“"ó là m t cơng vi!c ph( n .”
Ngh a th$c s$...
“"ó là m t cơng vi!c khó kh n, dơ b,n, và
không
c bi t ơn.”
“"i h i má em.”
Ngh a th$c s$...
“Anh b t l$c trong vi!c a ra m t quy t
%nh.”
“Anh qu có giúp - trong vi!c nhà.”
Ngh a th$c s$...
Anh ã m t l n t kh n lau m t dơ vào r gi t .”
“Anh không th tìm ra nó.”
Ngh a th$c s$...
“Nó khơng rơi vào ôi tay v ơn ra c a anh, vì th
anh hồn tồn khơng có d u v t.”
LITTLE JOHNNY
Little Johnny's teacher sent a note home to his

Mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright
boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about
sex and girls."

12

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you
find a solution, please advise. I have the same
problem with his Father."
BÉ JOHNNY
Giáo viên c a bé Johnny g&i m t gi y báo v cho
má nó, vi t:”Johnny có v là m t #a bé r t sáng d ,
nh ng dùng quá nhi u thì gi c a nó ngh v tình
d(c và gái.”
Ng i má vi t l i vào hôm sau:”N u cô tìm ra cách
gi i quy t, hãy khuyên nh . Tơi c.ng có cùng v n
ó v i ba nó.”
SEX WITH GAS
There was this gas station in "redneck country"
trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a
sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon, a
customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked
for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1
to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his
free sex.
The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor
said, "No, but you were close. The number was 7.
Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time."
Some time thereafter, the same man, along

with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fillup, and again he asked for his free sex. The
proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked
him to guess the correct number.
The man guessed 2 this time and the
proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but
no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the driver said to
his buddy, "I think that game is rigged, and he
doesn't really give away free sex."
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged...my
wife won twice last week."
SEX V I D U X NG
Có m t cây x ng nh th
“vùng quê l c h u” c
t ng s bán, vì th ơng ch
t m t t m b ng:”"
x ng
c sex mi+n phí.” Ch ng bao lâu, m t khách
hàng ghé xe vào,
x ng, sau ó h i sex mi+n phí.
Ơng ch nói anh ta ch n m t s t' 1 t i 10, và n u
anh ta oán úng, anh ta s
c chơi mi+n phí.
Sau ó ng i mua ốn 8 và ơng ch nói:”Khơng
úng, nh ng g n úng. S ó là 7. Xin l/i, l n này
khơng có chơi mi+n phí, nh ng l n t i thì có th .”
M t kho ng th i gian sau ó, c.ng ng i àn ơng
ó, l n này i cùng v i b n, c.ng ghé vào
x ng,
và l i l n n a anh ta h i sex mi+n phí. Ơng ch l i

a anh ta cái th# nh tr c, và nói anh ta ốn
úng con s .
Ng i àn ơng l n này ốn s 2 và ơng ch
nói:”Xin l/i, ó là 3. Ơng g n úng, nh ng khơng
chơi mi+n phí l n này
c.”
Trong khi h lái i, tài x nói v i b n:”Tơi ngh r ng
trị này là l'a o, và ông ta không th$c s$ cho chơi
mi+n phí.”
Ng i b n áp:”Khơng, nó khơng ph i trị l'a o ...
v tôi
c hai l n tu n qua.”
TRAILING MY HUSBAND
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did
you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to
an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an
apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've
got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what
he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth. "It's pretty
clear that he was following you."
THEO DÕI CH NG
“Nh v y,” Jane h i viên thám t& cô ã thuê, “anh
ã theo d u ch ng tôi ch#?”
“"úng, th a bà. Tôi ã theo. Tôi theo anh y t i m t
bar, t i m t nhà hàng xa

ng và sau ó t i m t
c n h .”
M t n( c i rõ ràng hi!n ra trên m t Jane. “Aha!
Tôi ã b t
c lão ta!” cô nói m t cách h hê.”Có
gì áng ng lão ta ang làm gì khơng?”
“Khơng, th a bà,” thám t& tr l i. “Tình hình khá rõ
ràng là anh y ang theo bà.”
APPLYING FOR SOCIAL SECURITY
A retired gentleman went into the social security
office to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the
counter. The woman behind the counter asked him
for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in
his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at
home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but
he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I
have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly
silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me," and she processed his Social
Security application.

13

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells
his wife about his experience at the Social Security
office.

She said, "You should have dropped your
pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
N P ƠN AN SINH XÃ H I
M t quý ông v h u i vào v n phòng an sinh xã h i
n p ơn.
Sau khi i trong hàng m t lúc lâu, ông ta i t i bàn
nh n ơn. Ng i ph( n #ng sau bàn h i ơng ta
b ng lái xe
th,m tra tu i. Ơng ta nhìn vào nh ng
cái túi và nh n ra ơng ta ã
bóp nhà. Ơng ta nói
v i ng i àn bà r ng ông ta r t l y làm ti c nh ng
nh ng ơng có v nh ã
bóp nhà. “Tơi s ph i
v nhà và quay l i bây gi không?” ông ta h i.
Ng i ph( n nói:”Hãy c i nút áo sơ mi ơng ra.”
Vì th ông ta c i áo sơ mi ông ta cho th y nhi u s i
lông b c xo n.
Bà ta nói:”S i lơng b c tr ng ó trên ng$c ông là
b ng ch#ng
cho tôi,” và bà ta gi i quy t ơn xin
an sinh xã h i c a ông.
Khi ng i àn ông v nhà, ông ta xúc ng k cho
v nghe v i u ông tr i qua v n phòng an sinh xã
h i.
Bà ta nói:”Ơng mà c i qu n ơng ra thì ông ã
c
xem là ã b% m t kh n ng n a.”
TEN DOLLARS IS TEN DOLLARS
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were

from Portland,Maine. Every year they went to the
Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya
know, Martha, I'd like to get a ride in that airplane."
And every year, Martha would say "I know,
Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars .. and
ten dollars is ten dollars."
So one year Stumpy says, "Martha, I'm 71
years old, and if I don't go this time I may never go."
Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride is
ten dollars ... and ten dollars is ten dollars."
So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks,
I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say
ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE
WORD and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go... the pilot does all
kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a
word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is
still no word... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and
says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to
get you to holler out, but you didn't."


And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say
something when Martha fell out ... but ten dollars is
ten dollars."
M
I Ô LA LÀ M
I Ô LA

Stumpy Grinder và v
Martha
Portland, Maine(Hoa K1). Hàng n m h i t i h i
ch Portland và hàng n m Stumpy nói:”Em bi t
khơng, Martha, anh mu n c-i trên máy bay ó.” Và
m/i n m, Martha th ng nói:”Em bi t, Stumpy,
nh ng c-i máy bay ó t n 10 ô la ... và m i ô la
là m i ô la.”
Vì v y m t n m kia, Stumpy nói:”Martha,
anh ã 71 tu i, và n u anh khơng i l n này anh có
th không bao gi
i
c n a.” Martha tr
l i:”Stumpy, c-i máy bay ó ch/ ó là m i ơ la ...
và m i ô la là m i ô la.”
" n nh th , viên phi cơng khi ó nghe lõm
và nói:”Hai bác, cháu s th a thu n v i hai bác. Tôi
s
a hai bác bà i máy bay. N u hai bác có th im
l ng trong su t cu c chơi và khơng nói M7T L6I
thì cháu s khơng tính ti n hai bác. Nh ng ch) m t
l i và nh th là 10 ô la.”
H
ng ý và h lên máy bay ... viên phi
công làm m i vòng xo n và qu o, l n vòng và b
nhào, nh ng khơng có l i nào
c nghe. Ông ta
làm nh v y m t l n n a, nh ng khơng có t' nào ...
vì v y ông ta h cánh.
Ông ta quay qua Stumpy khi h d'ng l i và

nói:”Tr i ơi, cháu làm m i th# cháu có th ngh t i
làm cho hai bác kêu lên, nh ng hai bác không
kêu.”
Và Stumpy tr l i:”0, tơi s p kêu lên cái gì ó khi
Martha r t ra ... nh ng m i ô la là m i ô la.”
WHEN THERE IS A PROBLEM…
Hubby : You always carry my photo in your
handbag to the office. Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter
how impossible, I look at your picture and the
problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and
powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to
myself, '"What other problem can there be greater
than this one ?"
M I KHI CÓ S C …
Ch ng: Em ln em hình anh trong túi
mang t i cơ quan.Sao v y?

14

V : M/i khi có s$ c , khơng c n bi t khó
gi i quy t nh th nào, em nhìn vào hình anh và s$
c bi n m t.
Ch ng: Em xem, anh k1 di!u và m nh m
nh th nào i v i em?
V : "úng, em nhìn hình nh c a anh và t$
nh :”S$ c nào khác có th l n hơn s$ c này?”
ÀN ÔNG VÀ ÀN BÀ

MESSAGE FOR ALL OF YOU SINGLES
This is a message for all of you singles.
Is life getting you down?
Guys, have you been getting depressed
because there is simply not enough
women to go around?
And ladies, are you tired of the guys being to
afraid to ask you out?
Well here it is, the answer to everyone's
deepest wish! Here is "The Guide
to Being Dumped." These are the top 10 dumping
lies translated to their true eanings for all of you.
"I'm not ready for that type of commitment"
Translation: I don't want to date you;
however, you can take me out to
dinner and a movie every once in a while. Just don't
hang around me so
much that you scare away the people I really want to
date.
"God doesn't want me to date right now. "
Translation: I don't know why I said 'yes' in
the first place. God doesn't
want me to date someone as ugly as you.
"I only date older men/women."
Translation: I only date older men/women
who have more money than you do.
"You're just not my type."
Translation: When I look at you, and think of
kissing you, I get physically sick.
"You're too good for me."

Translation: I'm too good/much cool for you.
"You're too much like a brother/sister"
Translation: I like you, but you just don't turn
me on.
"You'll always have a special place in my
heart."
Translation: My lawyer will contact you soon
about the restraining order.
"I think we should date other people."
Translation: Look, I'm late for my date,
he/she's probably waiting in the
parking lot. I've got to go.
"I just don't have the time to date anyone."


Translation: You DO realize that I've been
avoiding you for months now...
"Maybe we can get together real soon."
Translation: Perhaps if you were the last
man/woman on Earth.
THÔNG I P CHO T T C CÁC B N –
NH NG NG
I
C THÂN
"ây là thông i!p cho t t c các b n – nh ng ng i
c thân.
Cu c s ng có làm các b n bu n không?
Các b n nam, các b n ã chán n n vì ơn gi n là
khơng có ph( n
giao du ?

Và các b n n , các b n có nhàm chán v i nh ng b n
trai ng i m i b n i chơi?
"ây r i, câu tr l i cho c mong sâu kín nh t c a
m i ng i! "ây là “H ng d*n cho vi!c b% t' ch i.”
"ây là 10 l i d i gian
t' ch i
c d%ch ra chân
ngh a cho t t c các b n.
“Em không s8n lịng cho ki u t n tình ó”
D%ch: Tơi khơng mu n h n hị v i anh; tuy nhiên,
anh có th th)nh tho ng a tơi i chơi
n t i và
xem phim. Ch) 'ng l,n qu,n quanh tôi quá nhi u
n n/i làm nh ng ng i khác – nh ng ng i mà tôi
th$c s$ mu n h n hị – ho ng s .
“Chúa khơng mu n em/anh làm m t cái h n ngay
bây gi .”
D%ch: Tơi khơng bi t sao tơi nói “có”
nơi u
tiên.Chúa khơng mu n tơi h n hị v i m t ng i x u
xí nh anh/em.
“Em ch) h n hò v i nh ng ng i l n tu i hơn.”
D%ch:Tơi ch) h n hị v i nh ng ng i l n tu i hơn,
nh ng ng i có nhi u ti n hơn anh.
“Em/anh khơng ph i là tp ng i nh tơi”
D%ch: Khi tơi nhìn vào em/anh, và ngh t i vi!c hôn
em/anh, tôi phát b!nh th t s$.
“Anh/em quá t t i v i tôi.”
D%ch:Tôi hoàn toàn/r t lãnh m i v i anh/em.
“Anh /em r t gi ng anh trai/em gái em/anh.”

D%ch: Tôi m n anh/em, nh ng anh/em khơng làm tơi
u
c.
“Anh/em ln có m t v% trí
c bi!t trong tim
em/anh.”
D%ch: Lu t s c a tôi s mau g p anh/cô v l!nh
ng n gi .
“Em/anh ngh chúng ta nên h n ng i khác.”
D%ch: Hãy xem, tôi tr+ h n, anh y/cô y h u nh
ch c ch n ang i bãi u xe. Tơi ph i i.
“Em ch) khơng có th i gi
h n v i b t c# ai.”
D%ch: Anh ph i nh n ra r ng tôi ã tránh m t anh
trong nhi u tháng nay …
“Chúng ta có th g n g.i nhau trong th i gian s p
t i th$c s$.”
15

D%ch: Có l anh/em là ng i àn ông/ àn bà cu i
cùng trên Trái t.
HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see
a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women
Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and
husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains
to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up
floor-by-floor,and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide

since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor
the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short
and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation
move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the
men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't
good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads:
"All the men here are tall and plain." They still want
to do better, and so, knowing there are still two
floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the
men here are tall and handsome." The women get all
excited and are going in when they realize that there
is still one floor left. Wondering what they are
missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no
men here. This floor was built only to prove that
there is no way to please a woman."
LÀM SAO
LÀM V A LỊNG M T PH
N
M t nhóm b n gái ang k1 ngh) thì h th y m t
khách s n 5 t ng v i m t t m bi n :”Ch) dành cho
ph( n .” Vì h khơng có b n trai và ch ng nên h
quy t %nh i vào.
Tay “b o kê”, m t gã r t h p d*n, gi i thích cho h
khách s n ho t ng ra sao. “Chúng tơi có 5 t ng. "i
lên t'ng t ng, và khi các b n tìm cái gì các b n ang

tìm ki m, các b n có th
ó.Quy t %nh t ng nào
thì d+ vì m/i t ng có m t t m bi n cho b n bi t cái
gì trong.”
Nghe v y, h b t u i lên và trên t ng th# nh t,
t m bi n :”T t c àn ơng t ng này u lùn và
th ng.” Nhóm b n c i và không i lên t ng k
ti p không do d$.
T m bi n t ng th# hai :”T t c àn ông
ây
u lùn và p trai.” C.ng v y, t ng này v*n khơng
hay, vì th nhóm b n l i ti p t(c i lên trên.


H t i t ng th# ba và t m bi n :” T t c àn ông
ây u cao và th ng.” H v*n mu n hơn, và nh
th , bi t v*n còn hai t ng n a, h ti p t(c i lên trên.
9 t ng th# t , t m bi n ghi tuy!t h o:”T t c àn
ơng
ây u cao và p trai.” Nhóm ph( n t t c
u ph n ch n và i vào thì h nh n ra r ng v*n cịn
m t t ng n a.L y làm ng c nhiên mình ang thi u
cái gì, h i lên t ng n m.
9 ây h tìm th y t m bi n :”Khơng có àn ơng
ây. T ng này
c xây d$ng ch)
ch#ng t r ng
khơng có cách nào làm hài lịng m t ph( n .”
UGLY BABY
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby
I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into
the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of
the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she
was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The
bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a
public servant and shouldn't say things to insult
passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back
up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let
me hold your monkey."
A BÉ X U XÍ
M t ph( n i lên xe buýt v i m t #a bé b trên
tay.
Tài x nói:”"ó là #a bé x u nh t mà tôi t'ng
th y.”
Trong cơn b$c t#c, ng i ph( n qu ng ti n vé vào
ô thu ti n và ng i vào m t chi c gh g n sau xe.
Ng i àn ông ng i g n ch% ta hi u r ng ch% ta ang
b% kích ng và h i ch% ta i u gì ã x y ra. “Tài x
l ng m tơi,” ch% ta n i óa.
Ng i àn ông thông c m và nói:”Sao, anh ta làm
d%ch v( cơng c ng và khơng nên nói nh ng i u
l ng m hành khách.”
“Anh úng ó, “ ch% ta nói.”Tơi ngh tơi s i
ng c lên trên và nói to c ra v i anh ta.”
“"ó là ý ki n hay” ng i àn ơng nói.”Này, hãy

tơi b con kh) c a ch%.”
WHAT DO YOU GET FOR 25$ ?
George and Harriet were married twenty-five years.
They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas.
When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a
sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt,
16

became very friendly. George brushed her off rather
rudely.
Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, that
young woman, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young
lady?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the
desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom
with the door open just enough
to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock
on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in,
swirling her hips provocatively.
"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special
services."
George was taken aback. "$125! I was
thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really

be a hick if you think you can
buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do
business.Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the
bathroom. "I just can't believe it."
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a
drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails,
Bambi came up behind George
pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get
for $25?"
ANH CĨ GÌ V I 25 Ô LA?
George và Harriet c i nhau ã
c 25 n m.H
quy t %nh làm l+ k5 ni!m b ng m t chuy n i chơi
Las Vegas.Khi h b c vào khách s n/sòng bài và
ng ký, m t ph( n tr h p d*n m c m t chi c váy
r t ng n tr nên r t thân thi!n v i h .George g t cô
ta m t cách hơi khi m nhã.
Harriet ph n i:” George, ng i ph( n tr ó d+
th ơng, và anh th t khi m nhã.”
“Harriet, cô ta là m t gái i m.”
“Em không tin anh.Ng i ph( n tr h p d*n ó ?”
“Chúng ta hãy i lên phịng và anh s ch#ng minh
i u ó.”
Trong phịng h , George g i xu ng qu y và g i
Bambi n phịng 1217.
“Bây gi ,” anh ta nói, “em n p trong phịng t m, c&a
m ra ch)

nghe anh và cơ ta,
c ch#?” Cơ
v làm theo.Ch ng bao lâu, có m t ti ng gõ c&a.


George m ra và Bambi i vào, ong a hông m t
cách khêu g i.
“Nh v y, sau h t, em th y anh ã chú ý,” cơ ta nói.
George h i:”Cơ tính bao nhiêu?”
“125 ơ giá n n, 100 ô bu c boa ph(c v( c bi!t.”
George s&ng s t:”125 ô! Tôi ang cân nh c v i c25 ô.”
Bambi c i gi+u:”Anh h n ph i là m t gã nhà quê
th$c s$ n u anh ngh anh có th mua
c sex v i
giá ó.”
“Thơi,” George nói,”tơi cho là chúng ta khơng th
làm vi!c ó.T m bi!t.”
Sau khi cơ ta i, Harriet i ra kh i phịng t m. “Em
khơng th tin
c.”
George nói:”Chúng ta hãy qn i u ó i.Chúng ta
s i u ng, sau ó n cơm.
T i qu y, trong khi h
ang nh m nháp c ctây,
Bambi i n ng sau George, kín áo ch) vào
Harriet và nói:”Xem anh có gì v i 25 ơ?”
I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT
GIRL
A friend asked me the other day why i never
got married.

I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the
right woman... I guess I've been looking for the
perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely
you have met at least one girl
that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she
was the one perfect girl -the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just
the right everything... I really mean that she was the
perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked my
friend.
I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She
was looking for the perfect man."
TƠI Ã TÌM KI M M T CƠ GÁI HOÀN H O
M t ngày kia, m t ng i b n h i tôi t i sao tôi
không c i v .
Tơi tr l i:”À, tơi ốn r ng tôi không bao gi g p
m t ph( n mong mu n … Tơi c ch'ng tơi ã tìm
ki m m t cơ gái hồn h o.”
“0, ti p t(c i nào,” b n tơi nói. “Ch c ch n anh ã
g p ít nh t m t cơ gái anh mu n c i.”
“"úng, có m t cơ … m t l n. Tôi c ch'ng cô ta là
m t cơ gái hồn h o – m t cơ gái hồn h o duy nh t
tơi t'ng g p th$c s$. M i th# cô ta u úng … Tơi
th$c s$ mu n nói r ng cơ ta là cơ gái hồn h o i
v i tơi.”
17

“L q, t i sao b n không c i cô ta?” b n tôi h i.

Tôi nhún vai và tr l i:” Cơ ta mong ch m t ng i
àn ơng hồn h o.”
TWO DEALERS AND A VERY ATTRACTIVE
LADY
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps
table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to
bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel
much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that, she strips naked from the waist
down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma
needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and
hugging and kissing each of the dealers. "YES! I
WIN! I WIN!"
With that, she picks up her money and
clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at
each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll
anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know! I thought
YOU were watching!"
HAI NG
I CHIA BÀI VÀ M T PH N
R TH PD N
Hai ng i chia bài m!t m i ang ng i i t i
bàn xí ng u. M t ph( n r t h p d*n b c vào và
mu n ánh m t ván 20.000 ơ la trong m t cú th xí
ng u duy nh t.
Nàng nói:”Em hy v ng hai anh khơng ng i,

nh ng em ngh s may m n hơn nhi u khi em
“khơng áy”.
Theo l i nói, nàng c i kh a thân t' eo
xu ng, r i gieo xí ng u v i ti ng reo:”Má c n m t
cái qu n m i!”
Sau ó nàng nh y lên xu ng và ôm và hôn
hai ng i chia bài.”"ÚNG! EM TH:NG! EM
TH:NG!”
V i l i nói ó, nàng ôm ti n và qu n áo và
r i i nhanh chóng.Hai ng i chia bài nhìn nhau
ch m ch p ch t i ng.
Cu i cùng m t trong hai ng i h i:”Dù sao
i n a thì cơ ta ã gieo s m y?”
Ng i kia áp:”Tôi không bi t! Tôi
ngh ANH ang canh!”
BEFORE I MARRY SARAH
Patient: "Doctor, before I marry Sarah next
Saturday, there's something I'd like to get off my
chest."
Doctor: "What's that?"


TR

Patient: "A tattoo saying 'I love Alice.'"
C KHI TÔI C
I SARAH

B!nh nhân: “Bác s , tr c khi tôi c i Sarah th# b y
t i, tôi mu n l y m t th# ra kh i ng$c.”

Bác s : “Cái ó là cái gì?”
B!nh nhân:”M t hình x m có ch “Tơi u Alice.””
DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
A strained voice called out through the darkened
theater,"Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand
next to her,"Good, are any of you doctors single and
interested in a date with a good girl?"
BÁC S! TRONG NHÀ HÁT
M t gi ng nói c ng th ng v ng ra xuyên qua bóng
t i r p hát:” Xin vui lịng cho bi t có m t bác s
trong nhà hát khơng?!”
M t s àn ông #ng lên trong khi èn b t sáng.
M t ng i àn bà có tu i kéo ng i con gái #ng
c nh bà ta:”T t, bác s các anh có ai cịn c thân và
thích se duyên v i m t cô gái sáng giá không?”
TWO NUNS IN AN ALLEY
Two nuns went out of their convent to sell
cookies. One of them was known as Sister
Mathematical and the other one was known as Sister
Logical. It was getting dark and they were still far
away from the convent.
Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man
has been following us for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he
wants.
Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape
us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he

will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we
do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do,
of course, is to walk faster.
Sister Mathematical: It's not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it's not working.
The man did the only logical thing. He started to
walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At
this rate he will reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can
do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He
cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was
18

worried about what had happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister
Logical arrived, breathless and flushed.
Sister Mathematical: "Sister Logical!
Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"
Sister Logical: The only logical thing
happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me.
Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what
happened then?
Sister Logical: I started to run as fast as
I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing
happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you
do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did
the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened
then?
Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun
with her dress up can run much faster than a man
with his pants down........
HAI MA-XƠ TRÊN
NG I
Hai ma-xơ r i tu vi!n i bán bánh. M t
ng i tên là Xơ Toán H c và ng i kia tên là Xơ
Logic. Tr i ang t i d n và h v*n còn cách xa tu
vi!n.
Xơ Logic: Xơ có chú ý th y m t ng i àn
ông ã i theo sau chúng ta trong n&a gi qua
khơng?
Xơ Tốn h c: 6, và tơi t$ h i h n mu n gì.
Xơ Logic: Theo logic, h n mu n hi p chúng
ta.
Xơ Toán h c: Oi, khơng! V i à này thì cao
l m 15 phút n a h n s b t k%p chúng ta. Chúng ta
có th làm gì ?

Xơ Logic: D nhiên, vi!c duy nh t theo logic
c n làm là i nhanh hơn.
Xơ Tốn h c: "i u ó khơng hi!u qu .
Xơ Logic: D nhiên i u ó khơng hi!u qu .
H n c.ng làm theo vi!c duy nh t theo logic. H n
c.ng b t u i nhanh hơn.
Xơ Tốn h c: Th thì chúng ta s làm
gì? V i à này h n s b t k%p chúng ta trong m t
phút.


Xơ Logic: Vi!c duy nh t theo logic chúng ta
có th làm là tách ơi ra. Xơ i
ng ó và tôi s i
ng này. H n không th i theo hai ta.
Do v y gã àn ông quy t %nh theo xơ Logic.
Xơ Toán h c v
n tu vi!n và lo l ng v s$ vi!c
x y ra cho xơ Logic. Sau ó xơ Logic v , th h n
h n và m t.
Xơ Toán h c: Xơ Logic! T ơn Chúa xơ ã
v ây. Hãy k tôi nghe i u gì ã x y ra!
Xơ Logic: "i u duy nh t theo logic ã x y
ra. H n không th theo hai ta, vì th h n theo tơi.
Xơ Tốn h c: "úng, úng! Nh ng sau ó
i u gì x y ra?
Xơ Logic: Tơi b t u ch y nhanh nh t mà
tơi có th và h n b t u ch y nhanh nh t mà h n có
th .
Xơ Tốn h c: Sau ó?

Xơ Logic: "i u duy nh t theo logic ã x y
ra. H n b t k%p tơi.
Xơ Tốn h c: Ơ tr i ơi! Xơ ã làm gì?
Xơ Logic: Làm i u duy nh t theo logic. Tơi
kéo váy lên.
Xơ Tốn h c: Oi, xơ! H n làm gì?
Xơ Logic: Làm i u duy nh t theo logic.
H n tu t qu n h n xu ng.
Xơ Tốn h c: Oi, khơng! Chuy!n gì x y ra
ti p theo?
Xơ Logic: "i u ó không logic sao, xơ? M t
n tu s v i chi c váy kéo lên có th ch y nhanh hơn
m t gã àn ông v i chi c qu n tu t xu ng …
GOD AND EVE IN THE GARDEN
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to
God... "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have
provided this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic
snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from
above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of
apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I
shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with
many bad traits. He'll lie,cheat, and be vainglorious;

all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be
bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.
He will look silly aroused, but since you've been
complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he
will satisfy your physical needs. He'll be witless and
19

will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking
a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also
need your advise to think properly.”
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically
raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one
condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and selfadmiring . . . So you'll have to let him believe that I
made him first . . . So, just remember . . . it's our
secret . . . Woman to woman."
CHÚA VÀ EVA TRÊN V
N "A ÀNG
M t ngày kia trên v n %a àng, Eva g i Chúa …
“Chúa, con có v n !”
“V n gì, Eva?”
“L y Chúa, con bi t ngài ã t o ra con và ã
t o ra khu v n p
và t t c nh ng con thú
tuy!t di!u, và con r n vui nh n kia, nh ng con th t
khơng vui.”
“T i sao, Eva?” có ti ng nói t' trên cao.

“Th a Chúa, con cơ ơn. Con chán ngán nh ng trái
táo.”
“À, Eva, v y thì ta có m t cách. Ta s t o m t ng i
àn ông cho con.”
“L y Chúa, m t “ng i àn ơng” là gì?”
“Ng i àn ơng này s là m t t o v t không hồn
thi!n, có nhi u tính x u. Anh ta s nói d i, l'a g t và
hay khoe khoang; nói chung, anh ta s không làm
con vui s ng. Nh ng anh ta s v m v- hơn, nhanh
hơn và s thích i s n và gi t thú v t. Anh ta trơng
có v g i s$ ng ng,n, nh ng vì con ã than th , ta
s t o anh ta theo cách anh ta s làm con hài lòng v
nh ng òi h i th ch t c a con. Anh ta s không
khôn ngoan và s say s a nh ng th# tr con nh
ánh nhau và á banh lung tung. Anh ta s không
quá thông minh, vì th anh ta c.ng c n l i khuyên
c a con suy ngh úng n.”
“Tuy!t quá,” Eva nói v i m t bên lông mày nh n
lên m)a mai.
“Cịn vi!c ánh l'a anh ta thì sao, th a ngài?”
“;, à … con có th làm vi!c ó v i i u ki!n.”
“"i u ki!n gì, th a ngài?”
“Nh ta ã nói, anh ta s kiêu hãnh, ng o m n và t$
hào … Vì th con s ph i làm anh ta tin r ng ta t o
ra anh ta tr c … Vì th , hãy nh … ó là bí m t
c a chúng ta … Ph( n v i nhau.”
THE WANTED AD RESPONDENT


RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO

SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE
FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the
hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she
received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the
men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She
opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no
legs, lying on the mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who
are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I
am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I
can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run
away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you
think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell,
didn't I?"
L I ÁP CHO QU NG CÁO TÌM CH NG
QU< PH= GIÀU CĨ TÌM NGƯ6I "ÀN
ÔNG "? CHIA S4 CU7C "6I VÀ TÀI SNHANG PHBM CHCT SAU:
1.
KHÔNG "ÁNH TÔI
2.
KHÔNG BD "I
3.

PHTrong vài tháng, i!n tho i bà ta g i liên t(c,
chuông c&a reo liên t(c, bà ta nh n hàng t n th ...
t tc
u khơng có l i gì. Khơng có ng i àn ơng
nào có v áp #ng
c nh ng ph,m ch t bà ta a
ra.
Sau ó m t ngày kia chng c&a hãy cịn reo tr l i.
Bà ta m c&a th y m t ng i àn ông, không tay
không chân, n m trên m t t m th m. C m th y khó
hi u, bà ta h i:”Ơng là ai và ơng mu n gì?”
“Xin chào,” ng i àn ơng nói. “Cu c tìm ki m c a
bà ã qua vì tơi là ng i àn ơng bà mơ c.Tơi
khơng có tay, vì v y tơi khơng th ánh bà và tơi
khơng có chân nên tơi khơng th b i.”
Ng i ph( n l n tu i h i:”"i u gì làm ông ngh
ông r t tuy!t v i trên gi ng?”
" i v i câu h i ó ơng ta tr l i:”Tôi ã b m
chuông c&a, ph i không?”
ASKING PERMISSION
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't
live without me, and she wants to marry me."
20

"And you're asking my permission to marry
her?"
"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me
alone."
XIN PHÉP

“Th a bác, con gái bác nói yêu cháu, và cơ y khơng
s ng
c n u khơng có cháu, và cô y mu n c i
cháu.”
“Và anh ang xin tơi c i nó à?”
“Khơng, cháu ang h i bác làm sao cho cô
y b m c cháu .”
I TOOK WHAT I WANT
One summer's evening Paddy & Mick are on their
way to the pub for their usual drink.
"I’m a bit tired tonight," says Mick. "I think
I'll just have a little lie down in this ditch and have a
little sleep. You can wake me up on your way home
later."
"Right, you are," says Paddy, and they
separate.
At the end of the evening, Paddy comes out
of the pub and starts walking back to collect Mick
from his ditch. He hasn't gone far when Mick rolls
up beside him driving a big shiny Volvo.
"Where did you get that lovely car from?!"
asks Paddy, astonished.
"Well, I'll tell you. It was like this," says
Mick. "There I was lying in the ditch having a nice
snooze and I had just turned over onto me other side
when up drives a lovely lady in her nice new Volvo
and asks me if I'd like to come for a drive with her.
Well, I thought, why not? It's a lovely evening for a
drive. So in I got. She drove along for a bit and then
turned off into a field. She got out of the car, took

off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want!" So I took the Volvo.
TÔI LÀM CÁI TÔI MU N
M t bu i t i hè, Paddy và Mick trên
ng t i quán
r u nh u nh th ng l!.
“T i nay tôi hơi m!t,” Mick nói. “Tơi ngh tơi s
n m ng m t tí ch/ ng này. B n có th ánh th#c
tôi d y sau trên
ng v nhà.”
“" c, i i,” Paddy nói và h r ơi.
T i hơm ó, Paddy i ra kh i quán r u và b t u
i ng c l i
ón Mick t' ch/ n m ng . Anh i
ch a xa thì Mick thình lình xu t hi!n bên c nh lái
m t chi c Volvo láng coóng.
“B n ã l y chi c xe hơi p
này t' âu v y!”
Paddy kinh ng c h i.


“À, tơi s k . Nó gi ng th này,” Mick nói. “ Tơi
ang n m
ó ch/ ng ánh m t gi c ng ng n
ngon lành và tôi m i ch) tr mình sang phía kia thì
m t q bà d+ th ơng ánh xe Volvo p và m i
n và h i tơi có mu n i m t vịng v i nàng khơng.
0, tơi ngh t i sao không. M t t i p tr i
d o
m t vịng. V y là tơi lên xe. Nàng lái xe i m t ch p

và sau ó ngo c ra cánh ng. Nàng b c ra kh i
xe, c i h t qu n áo và nói:
“L y cái anh mu n!” Vì th tơi l y chi c Volvo.
VENGEANCE
Two high school sweethearts who went out together
for four years in high school were both virgins; they
enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th
grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go
to the same college but the girl was accepted to a
college on the east coast, and the guy went to the
west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other
and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl
and she would never be home, and when he wrote,
she would take weeks to return the letters. Even
when he emailed her, she took days to return his
messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to
date around. He didn't take this very well and
increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win
back her love. Because she became annoyed, and
now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off
her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a picture of
her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it
to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a
new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to
say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so,
was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the

following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time
at college, please send more money!" and mailed the
picture to her parents.
BÁO THÙ
M t ơi tình nhân h c sinh trung h c cùng
h c b n n m u còn tân; h bi t mùi s$ ánh m t
trinh ti t v i nhau l p 10. Khi h t t nghi!p, h
mu n c hai vào cùng tr ng cao ng nh ng cô gái
c vào m t tr ng cao ng b ông (n c M2)
và chàng trai i n b tây. H
ng ý chung th y
v i nhau và s cùng nhau m/i khi h có th .
Th i gian trôi qua, chàng trai th ng g i cơ
gái và cơ khơng bao gi có m t nhà, và khi anh
vi t th , cô th ng m t hàng tu n
tr l i th .
21

Th m chí khi anh email, cơ c.ng m t nhi u ngày
tr l i thông i!p.
Cu i cùng, cô thú nh n v i anh cơ mu n h n
hị yêu ơng lung tung. Anh không xem vi!c này
quan tr ng và t ng c ng i!n tho i, th t' và
email, c giành l i tình yêu c a cơ. B i cơ tr nên
b$c mình, và bây gi ã có b n trai m i nên cơ
mu n v#t b anh ra phía sau.
Vì v y, i u cô làm nh sau: cô ch(p m t
b#c nh cô ang làm tình v i b n trai m i và g&i t i
b n trai c. v i m t l i ghi:”Em ã tìm m t b n trai
m i, hãy

m c em.” A, khơng c n nói, chàng trai
này tan nát cõi lịng, th m chí cịn hơn th , tr nên
say s a. Vi th i u ti p theo anh làm là r t kinh
kh ng.
Anh ta vi t trên m t sau c a t m nh dòng
ch sau:”Ba má yêu quý, con s ng r t vui v trong
tr ng cao ng, xin g&i thêm ti n cho con!” và g&i
b#c hình t i ba má cô gái.
RAVISHING GIRL AND 3 MEN
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and
a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in
conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of
you will give me $1, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull
a buck out of their wallet, and then the girl pulls up
her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen
will give me $10, I'll show you my
thighs."
Men being what they are, they all pull out a ten
dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to
her undies.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit
excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the
young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will
show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
Naturally, all three fork over the money. Then the
girl turns to the
window and points to a hospital in the distance and

says, "There!"
CÔ GÁI C C K# H P D N VÀ 3 NG
I
ÀN ÔNG
Trong m t ng n xe l&a, có 3 ng i àn ơng
và m t cô gái tr c$c ký h p d*n. C b n ng i cùng
hịa vào m t cu c nói chuy!n mà ch ng bao lâu sau
ó chuy n sang chuy!n g i tình.
Sau ó, cơ gái tr
ngh%:”N u m/i ng i
trong s các anh a em 1 ô la thì em s cho các
anh th y chân em.”


Ba ng i àn ông, b% mê ho c b i cô gái tr
này, t t c lôi m t ô la ra kh i túi h , và sau ó cơ
gái kéo váy lên m t ít cho th y c p chân nàng.
Sau ó nàng nói:”N u m/i trong s quý ông
các anh a em 10 ô la, em s cho các anh th y ùi
em.”
"àn ông là àn ông, c 3 ng i u lôi ra t
10 ô la. Cô gái kéo h t váy cho n
lót.
Cu c nói chuy!n ti p t(c, và ba ng i àn
ơng, có ph n b% kích thích, t t c
u c i áo ngồi.
Sau ó cơ gái tr nói:”N u các anh a em 100 ơ la
thì em s cho các anh th y nơi em b% m ru t th'a.”
M t cách t$ nhiên, c ba ng i u a ti n. Sau ó
cơ gái quay qua c&a s và ch) m t b!nh vi!n xa và

nói:”"ó!”
INDECENT PROPOSAL
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says,
"Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you
didn't know for one million dollars?"
She thinks about the proposition for a
minute, and then replies,"Yes, I would sleep with a
man I don't know for a million dollars."
The man then asks,"Would you sleep with me
for fifty cents?"
Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not!!
How could you ask me such a thing?"
The man states, "Well, we've already
established the fact that you're a whore. Now I'm
just haggling over the price."
L I
NGH" KHI M NHÃ
M t ng i àn ông i t i m t ph( n trong m t bar
và nói:”Xin l/i, cơ có ng v i m t ng i àn ông cô
không quen l y m t tri!u ô la không?”
Cô ta suy ngh v l i
ngh% trong m t phút, sau ó
tr l i:”6, tôi s ng v i m t ng i àn ông tôi
không quen l y m t tri!u ô la.”
Sau ó ng i àn ơng h i:”V y cơ có ng v i tơi
l y n m m ơi xu không?”
B% xúc ph m, ng i àn bà tr l i:”D nhiên khơng!
Làm th nào ơng có th h i tôi m t vi!c nh v y?”
Ng i àn ông nói:”À, chúng ta ã t o
c s$ ki!n

là cô là m t con . Bây gi tôi ch) tr giá mà thôi.”
I’M DYING FROM AIDS
A son and father went to see a doctor since
the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the
father and son that the father was dying from cancer.
The father, who was an Irishman, turned to
his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it’s
our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, so
let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."
22

Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the
local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father
sees some old friends and tells them he is dying
from AIDS.
Shocked, the son turns to his father and says,
"Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is
cancer, why did you lie to those men?"
The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are
right; but I don't want those guys shagging your
mom when I'm gone."
TÔI S$ CH T VÌ AIDS
M t ng i con trai và cha i khám bác s vì
ơng cha ang b% b!nh n ng. Bác s nói v i ng i cha
và ng i con trai r ng ng i cha ang s ch t vì ung
th .
Ng i cha, là m t ng i Ai len, quay qua
#a con trai và nói:”Con, ngay c trong ngày u ám
này thì truy n th ng c a chúng ta là nh u chúc s#c
kh e khi chúng ta ch t, vì th hãy i t i quán nh u

và n ti!c cho s$ qua i c a ba.”
M t cách mi+n c -ng, ng i con trai i theo
ng i cha t i m t quán nh u trong vùng. 9 ó, h
th ng th#c r u bia, ng i cha g p m t s b n c.
và nói v i h ơng s ch t vì AIDS.
B% s c, ng i con trai quay qua ng i cha và
nói:”Th a ba, ba khơng ch t vì AIDS, mà vì ung
th , t i sao ba nói láo nh ng ng i này?”
Ng i cha áo:”A, con ta, con úng, nh ng
ba không mu n nh ng gã này quan h! tình d(c v i
má con khi ba ra i.”
THE PROPOSAL
One evening, a young woman came home from a
date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony
proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother
asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist.
Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we'll show him just how
wrong he is."
L I C U HÔN
M t bu i t i, m t cô gái v nhà tr+, hơi bu n. Cơ ta
nói v i má:”Anthony c u hôn con m t ti ng tr c
ây.”
“V y sao con bu n?” má cơ ta h i.
“Vì anh y nói v i con anh y là m t ng i vô th n.
Má à, anh y th m chí khơng tin có %a ng(c.”

Má cô ta tr l i:”Dù sao c.ng c i anh ta i. Gi a
hai má con ta, chúng ta s cho anh ta th y anh ta sai
l m nh th nào.”
GIA ÌNH
INHERITANCE
Two friends meet on a Miami street. One looked
forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. The other
man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole
world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three
weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand
dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks
ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket , and
left me eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Sounds like you should be grateful."
"Last week my great aunt passed away. I
inherited almost a
quarter of a million."
"Then how come you look so glum?"
"This week . . . nothing!"
TH A K
Hai ng i b n g p nhau trên
ng ph Miami. M t
ng i trông au kh , và g n nh khóc. Ng i àn
ơng kia nói:” Này, làm th nào mà trông b n nh
trong th gi i này s(p v y?”
Ng i b n bu n bã nói:”" tơi k cho b n nghe.Ba

tu n tr c ây, m t ông bác ch t và
l i cho tơi
b n m ơi ngàn ơ la.”
“"i u ó không t!.”
“Nghe ti p này, tôi ch) m i b t u. Hai tu n tr c,
m t ng i anh h tôi ch a bao gi bi t n ch t
ngo o, và l i cho tôi tám m ơi l m ngàn.”
“Coi b b n nên bi t ơn anh y.”
“Tu n qua bà tr tôi “ra i”. Tôi th'a k g n nh
m t ph n t tri!u.”
“V y thì làm sao trơng b n r u r quá v y?”
“Tu n này … ch ng có gì h t!”
HE HAS NO PLANS
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her
parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to
find out about the young man. The father invites the
fiancee for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the
young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says.
"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice
23

house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and
God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful
engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the

father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young
man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you
support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies
the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and
each time the father questions, the young idealist
insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks,
"How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no
plans, but he thinks I'm God."
ANH TA KHƠNG CĨ K HO CH NÀO C
M t ph( n tr d*n ng i ch ng t ơng lai v
nhà g p cha m .Sau b a n, bà m nói v i ng i cha
tìm hi u ng i thanh niên. Ng i cha m i con r
t ơng lai u ng r u.
“V y k ho ch t ơng lai c a con là gì?”
ng i cha h i ng i thanh niên.
“Con là nhà nghiên c#u n m cu n sách u
c a Kinh Thánh,” anh ta tr l i.
“Nhà nghiên c#u n m cu n sách u c a
Kinh Thánh. H'mmm,” ng i cha nói. “"áng ph(c,
nh ng anh s làm gì
t o cho con gái tơi m t ngơi
nhà xinh nh nó ã quen r i?”
“Con s nghiên c#u,” ng i thanh niên tr
l i, “và Chúa s t o cho chúng con.”
“Và anh s làm th nào mua cho nó m t

chi c nh*n ính hơn p nh nó áng
c nh
th ?” ng i cha h i.
“Con s t p trung vào các nghiên c#u c a
con,” ng i thanh niên áp,” Chúa s cho chúng
con.”
“Và con cái?” ng i cha h i.” Anh s làm
th nào nuôi con?”
“"'ng lo, th a bác, Chúa s nuôi,” ông
ch ng t ơng lai áp.
Câu chuy!n c# ti p t(c nh v y, và c# m/i
l n ng i cha t câu h i thì nhà duy tâm tr l i qu
quy t Chúa s ban cho. M t lát sau ng i m
h i:”Chuy!n ra sao r i, anh yêu?”
Ng i cha tr l i:”Anh ta khơng có k ho ch
nào c , nh ng anh ta ngh anh là Chúa.”
MY THREE CHEAP SONS