Language Teaching Publications 3 Sketches

Language Teaching Publications
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Hove
East Sussex

oing a play is fun!
z

BN3 2BE

In the same series:

Poor Albert
Uncle Bill’s Will
Englislh Teaching Plays - Teacher’s Notes
Cassetite Tape

ISBN 0 906717 68 X

© Language Teaching Publications 1986
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
in any’ form or by any means,
stored ima retrieval system, or transmitted,
electromic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without
the priow permission of Language Teaching Publiccations.

THES

1011

Iam a teacher of English in Denmark. I wrote this play for
my students. They wanted a play with policemen and
burglars where they could be funny and laugh.
You can read this play like a story — a story in conversation.
Your teacher will give you one character to read. Don’t just
think about your character. Listen to all the characters.
Then you will be able to say your lines with more meaning.
Say your own lines again and again until they sound natural.
Say them until you don’t have to think about them.
Perhaps you will decide to learn the play by heart and put
on a performance — for the rest of the school or for your —
parents This will take a lot of hard work, but it is also good
n.
Doing a play is fun - and it-makes you feel good. It’s great

. doing something in front of other people and seeing them
enjoy it.

If English is not your first language, there are two extra
reasons for doing a play. First, it will help you to speak
better. Secondly, other people will understand you, and this

will make you feel better when you speak English.

Remember — reading and acting in a play is fun!

Performance permission.
Permission to perform this play by studemts in school is
hereby given. Any professional company sshould seek
permission from Language Teaching Publlications.

Kaj


The Empty Safe

Act1
The Restaurant of the Richmond Hotel.
At the back of the stage there is a bar with glasses and bottles.

Act 1
Act 2
Act 3

Near the front of the stage there are four tables with tablecloths

In the restaurant of the Richmond Hotel
In Mr Profit’s Office
In the restaurant of the Richmond Hotel

and some chairs. The main entrance is to the right. To the lefta
door leads into the kitchen. Next to the door there is a small
platform with a curtain through which the singer can enter the
platform.
,
Mr. Bigbelly is standing behind the bar. Sleepy is sitting at a
lable, reading a newspaper. In front of him there is an empty

plate with the salt and pepper. Snoop enters through the main
entrance.

Characters

BIGBELLY
SNOOP

Mr Bigbélly
Mr Snoop
Miss Wiggle
Sleepy
Baton
Mrs Broom

The manager of the Richmond Hotel
The famous detective
A waitress
A customer in the bar
A police officer
The cleaning lady

Mr Profit

Owner of the Coffee Pot Construction
Company
Mr Profit’s secretary
A businessman
A nightclub singer
The jealous wife of Mr Profit

Mr Lovebottle

Miss Sweetsmile
Mr Longtalk
Miss Skylark
Mrs Patricia
Profit
Moonlight
Daydream

=A customer in the bar

BIGBELLY _
SNOOP
BIGBELLY
.

WIGGLE

BIGBELLY.

WIGGLE

Fine, thanks. Aren’t you tired? It’s rather
late.

No, not at all. Do you think I could have a
cup of coffee?
Yes, just amoment... Miss Wiggle! ...
Hella! ... Miss Wiggle!
(enters from kitchen)

Did you call?

Yes, I did... a cup of coffee for Mr. Snoop,
our great detective.

How are you, Mr. Snoop. Please sit down.

(Snoop sits down at the table next to Sleepy.

Sleepy snores. Snoop looks around to see

A security guard
A security guard
SNOOP
WIGGLE
SNOOP
WIGGLE

4

Hello, how are you?
Very well, thank you. And you?

where the sound has come from. Sleepy snores
again. The newspaper sinks. Snoop looks at
bim.)
I see.
Do you take sugar?
No.
Milk?

SNOOP
WIGGLE
SNOOP
SNOOP
SLEEPY

No.

Would you like a cake or a sandwich with
your coffee?
A sandwich, please. A ham sandwich.
Pll bring your tea as fast as I can.
Coffee! I said coffee!
(wakening up)

Oh, Oh, Oh, who’s dead?

BIGBELLY
SNOOP
BIGBELLY
SNOOP
BIGBELLY
SNOOP
BIGBELLY
SNOOP
BIGBELLY
SNOOP
BIGBELLY

SNOOP
BIGBELLY
SNOOP
BIGBELLY
SNOOP

On, Oh, Oh, who's dead ?
SNOOP
SLEEPY

Dead?
A coffin ... someone was talking about a
coffin, weren't they?

SNOOP

No, no, nobody’s dead. No coffins.

SLEEPY
SNOOP

SNOOP
WIGGLE

Just take it easy. Slow down. I can wait.
There’s no rush.
Oh no, Mr. Snoop. It won’t be long.
(She exits through the kitchen door)

No murders?

No.
No assassinations?
No, no crimes, no criminals. Nothing at all

.. yet.

In other words, a pleasant day?

No, deadly. Crime’s my job . . . and I like to
be busy, not too busy, just busy. Crime can

the Richmond Hote] - even in this very
room! You never know.
(Sleepy's newspaper slides on to the table.

Sleepy bas fallen asleep again.) May I borrow your paper?
(Sleepy snores.)

SLEEPY

Yes. I’m not dead.

(Sleepy hides behind his newspaper. Miss
Wiggle brings a cup and saucer to Mr. Snoop's
table. She is nervous. Her band is shaking. )

No.

happen anywhere — even here — even in

Go back to sleep. I'll bring your coffee,
sOrry.
Ah, coffee!

So you’re not in a hurry, then?
No. P'm off duty now.
Has it been a hard day?
No.
No attacks?
No.
No robberies?
No.
No bombs?

SNOOP
SLEEPY
WIGGLE

May I borrow your paper?
(Sleepy wakes up.)
The pepper? ... Yes, of course.
(Sleepy passes the pepper to Snoop.)
Here you are.

Sorry. I didn’t askifor
the pepper...

You didn’t? I nought you did. (Sleepy hides bebifid his newspaper.)
(Wiggle enters with a tray.)

Here you are, Mr. Snoop, Your coffee, your

milk, your sugar.


SNOOP
SNOOP

I don’t take milk. | don’t take sugar.
Oh, sorry, Mr. Snoop. Here you are, your
cheese sandwich.
Cheese? I don’t like cheese. I hate cheese.
Cheese makes me sick. | asked for ham —
not cheese — not tomato — not cucumber
— HAM ~ aham sandwich...

BATON
BIGBELLY
BATON
BIGBELLY
BATON

SNOOP
BATON

No thank you, Sir, I’m on duty.

Did you hurt yourself there?
No, I’m all right.

Would you like a cup of tea?
No thank you, Sir. I’m out on patrol. I never
drink on patrol.
Is everything OK?

Yes, Sir. Pil be on my way, then. Goodbye
all.

(Broom enters with a brush and dustpan. She
collides with Baton who is on bis way out. The
dustpan falls to the floor.)

Bole⁄Z^
I dont like cheese. I nate cheese!
WIGGLE
SNOOP
BIGBELLY

Oh, I'm so sorry. I have a terrible memory.

Never mind. Forget it.
Get Mr. Snoop a new sandwich. Ham. And
hurry up. Don’t just stand there, girl —
move. I’m sorry Mr. Snoop. So you’ve had a
quiet day?
(Wiggle takes the sugar bowl and goes to the

kitchen door. Baton enters through the main

BATON

WIGGLE
BIGBELLY

entrance. They collide. The sugar bowl! falls to
: the floor.)

Sorry.
Oh, sorry. Oh I’m terribly sorry. I’m really

very sorry.

It doesn’t matter. Get out — Shoo!

BATON
BROOM
BATON

Oh, I’m terribly sorry.
(Picks up the dustpan and hands it to Broom)

Don’t mention it. Goodbye.

(Baton goes out through the main entrance.)

BIGBELLY
BROOM
BIGBELLY
BROOM
BIGBELLY
BROOM

BIGBELLY
BROOM
BIGBELLY

BROOM

What are you doing in the bar?
Miss Wiggle sent me. She said you had ajob
for me. What do you want me to do?
Sweep the floor, please.
Sweep the floor? That'll take me ages. Look
at the time. I’ve finished for the day.
Have you?
Yes.

Then you'll have to work overtime, won’t

you!

Overtime?
.Look, I'll pay you overtime. Now will you
get on with it.
OK, [hate cleaning, but. need the money.

(Miss Wiggle enters from the kitchen. Arthur

Lovebottle enters through the main entrance.

(Wiggle picks up the sugar bowl and runs out

through the kitchen door.)
Come and sit down Baton.

Sorry.

Broom continues to sweep the floor.)
LOVEBOTTLE

Hello Miss Wiggle.


WIGGLE
LOVEBOTTLE

Good evening Mr. Lovebottle.
You are so pretty, Miss Wiggle. You may call
me Arthur.

LOVEBOTTLE

Oh no, Mr. Lovebottle. That won’t do. No,

that won't do at ail.

Oh yes, it will. Please call me Arthur.
(He sits down at a table. On the table there is a
“Reserved” sign.)
I'm afraid you can’t sit at that table, Mr.

(She takes the tray with the coffee pot and the

cheese sandwich from Snoop’s table and puts
itin front of him. Norman Profit enters

Lovebottle. You'll have to move, I’m afraid.
Why?
(pointing to the sign)

LOVEBOTTLE
WIGGLE
LOVEBOTTLE
WIGGLE
LOVEBOTTLE
WIGGLE
LOVEBOTTLE
WIGGLE

Can’t you read.
Sorry, I didn’t see it. I didn’t see anything
but you. (reads) Is it reserved?
Yes. That’s what the sign says. It’s reserved
for Mr. Profit.
And who’s he?

Have you never heard of Mr. Profit and the
Coffee Pot Construction Company?

through the main entrance, followed by Miss

Sweetsmile and Mr. Longtalk.)
BIGBELLY

him, his secretary, and one of his business
friends.
Is he rich?
He’s a millionaire.

PROFIT
SLEEPY
WIGGLE

PROFIT
BIGBELLY
PROFIT
LONGTALK
BIGBELLY
PROFIT
SWEETSMILE
PROFIT
BIGBELLY
PROFIT

He's a
10

millronaive.

Good evening, Sir. This table here is

reserved for you. It’s our best table.

(Profit draws out a chair for Miss Sweetsmile.)

No. Never.

He’s the director. The table is reserved for

Really? I would like to be a millionaire too.
If I were a millionaire, I would come here
every day and ask you to marry me. We
would fly away to a beautiful island and
have lots of beautiful children.
You can have a cup of coffee and a beautiful
cheese sandwich.

Sit down, honey. (Sleepy wakes up.)
Money. Who said money? Do you want
me to pay now?
Honey, —- not money — Oh go back to
sleep!
(Sleepy hides behind his paper.)

May we have the menu, please?
Certainly, Sir, here you are.
What are you going to have?
I think Pll have roast turkey. That’s my
favourite.
“
One roast turkey.
And what does my sweet little secretary

want?

Could I have turkey too, please. —
Turkey for my little honeypot.

Two roast turkey.

Make it three. And a glass of whisky while
we're waiting.
(Bigbelly. goes to the kitchen door.)

11


BIGBELLY

(Shouts)

Three roast turkey.
(to Wiggle And three glasses of whisky.

LONGTALK

(Wiggle brings a bottle of whisky and three
glasses from the bar. She pours.)
Cheers!

(He takes out an advertising brochure.)

(They drink.)

Just have a look at this...red... blue...

OK, Mr. Longtalk, what is this all about?

brown.7” ..orange...purple... pink...
Hawaii-blue ... emerald green. ..

LONGTALK = Mr. Profit, I’m a businessman — as you
know.

PROFIT
LONGTALK
LONGTALK
SWEETSMILE

LONGTALK

LONGTALK

SWEETSMILE

So am I. I make coffeepots and J sell
coffeepots.
And you sell a lot of coffeepots, don’t you.
You bet your life I do. My whole life is
coffeepots. What do you sell?
Well, ... something that could make your
coffeepots better.
That’s impossible. We make the best

coffeepots in the whole wide world. Our
coffeepots are second to none.
That’s right, my darling.
I know that. But to be honest, they are a bit,
... mm old-fashioned. In my opinion, of
course.
Old-fashioned? Why?
White! They're white! You don’t make
coloured coffeepots.
Coloured coffeepots?
Coloured coffeepots?
Coloured coffeepots. That’s a lousy idea.
Forget it. Cheers.
(They drink.)

LONGTALK
LONGTALK

Do you sell a lot of these white coffeepots?
I'm not complaining. Business is good.
Good. But perhaps it could be better. Why
don’t you make them in different colours?

Sorry? What did you say?
Why don’t you make coloured ones?
Everyone likes colour. Believe me, you'd sell
a lot more coffeepots if they were coloured.
Look.

SWEETSMILE

(whispers) He sells paint.
(Profit nods )
He wants you to buy his paint. Don’t do it.
He just wants to make money. That’s all
he’s after.
I can see that, my darling. But take it easy. I

won't do it.

LONGTALK

(loudly) You want to do a deal?

That’s the whole idea, Mr. Profit.
Well, I'm not interested. Not interested at

all. Cheers, everyone.

(They drink. Some people enter through the

main entrance. They go to the empty chairs or

to the bar. They are served by Wiggle. During
the entertainment they are the audience along
with the actors who are already on stage.
Bigbelly comes on to the platform.)
BIGBELLY

Ladies and Gentlemen. MayI have your

attention, please. Thank you. It’s time now

for the Richmond Dinner Cabaret. Tonight

we're going to present you with a whole

bunch of big stars. First of all, give a warm

welcome to the famous singer, Miss Susan

Skylark.

(The audience shout, whistle, and clap.)

Am I right when I say we all love her?
13


AUDIENCE

Yes!
We do!
Certainly!
Not halft
Super!

SKYLARK

BIGBELLY

Well, here she comes. Miss Susan Skylark!

SKYLARK

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank
you. Welcome to the show. Tonight ’m
going to sing some of our beautiful old
songs. Please join in if you'd like.
My Bonnie is over the sea,

PROFIT

Oh bring back my Bonnie to me.
Chorus: Bring back, bring back
Bring back my Bonnie to me,
Bring back, bring back,
Ob bring back my Bonnie to me.

we
SKYLARK
PROFIT

My Bonnie is over the ocean,

KYLARK

SKYLARK

Oh, blow ye winds over the sea,
Oh, blow ye winds over the ocean,

And bring back my Bonnie to me.
Chorus
Last night as I lay on my pillow,
Last night as I lay on my bed,
Last night as I lay on my pillow,
I dreamed that my Bonnie was dead.
Chorus
The winds have blown over the ocean
The winds have blown over the sea,

The winds have blown over the ocean
And brought back my Bonnie to me.
Chorus: Brought back, brought back.

Thank you, Miss Skylark. Will you do me a
favour please?
I'd be glad to.
Sing a love song.
Anything special?
How about the Ballad of the Foggy Foggy

ew.

Oh, blow ye winds over the ocean,

- lá

What I want is a proper cup of coffee,
Brewed in a proper copper coffee pot.
I may be off my dot,

but I want a cup of coffee
in a proper coffee pot.
Tin coffee pots or iron coffee pots
are no use to me.
When I can’t get a proper cup of coffee
in a proper copper coffee pot,
Pll have a cup of tea.

(Skylark enters through the curtain. The
audience clap.)

My Bonnie is over the ocean,

Thank you, thank you. Look at that table.
Tonight we have a very special guest with
us, Mr. Norman Profit. Mr. Profit, ’'ve got a
song specially for you and I hope you like it.

When I was a bachelor, I lived all alone.
I worked at the weaver’s trade.

And the only, only thing that I did that was

wrong

Was to woo a fair young maid.

I wooed her in the wintertime,
Part of the summer, too.

And the only, only thing that I did that was

wrong,

Was to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew.

One night she knelt close by my side
When [ was fast asleep,
,

,

She threw her arms around my neck,

And then began to weep.
She wept, she cried, she tore her hair,
Ah, me, what could I do?

So all night long Lheld her in my arms,
Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew.
15


Again I’m a bachelor, I live with my son,
e work at the weaver’s trade;

And every single time that I look into his eyes,
He reminds me of the fair young maid.
He reminds me of the wintertime.
Part of the summer, too,

And the many, many times that I held her in

my arms,
Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew.
BIGBELLY

That’s the end of the entertainment, Ladies

LONGTALK
PROFIT

have a good time.
So you're a rich man, Mr. Profit?
Oh yes. ’'m making a lot of money with my
coffeepots. Just ask Miss Sweetsmile here.

SWEETSMILE
‘PROFIT

LONGTALK
SWEETSMILE
LONGTALK
SWEETSMILE
PROFIT
LONGTALK
PROFIT
EVERYBODY
_ PROFIT

and Gentlemen. The bar is still open. So,

(To Sweetsmile) Bottoms up, honey pot.
Cheers, my darling.
Give me a kiss.
Oh no, Norman... not now.
When, honey, when?
Later, when we're all alone.
I can’t wait until later.
(standing behind Profit)
You'll have to.

What do you say, honey?
Oh, Norman’s very rich.

Cheers.

(They drink. By now, they have had too
much.)

Where does he keep it?
Keep what?
All his money.
In the safe, of course.

My safe is full of money. When I need ©
some, I just open it. I don’t believe in banks.
Do you ever forget the combination
number?
Oh no. It’s very easy to remember. 10... 9

...8.../7...1...2...43.
(in a loud whisper)

10...9...8...7...1...2...3.
Cheers, Mr. Longtalk. You're a creat ony but
m not going to buy any of your paint. |

don’t believe in coloured coffeepots.
(They drink. Patricia Profit enters through the
main entrance. She sees Profit and Sweetsmile.
Yhey don't see her.)
16

PROFIT
SWEETSMILE
PROFIT
SWEETSMILE
PROFIT
SWEETSMILE
PROFIT
PATRICIA

tàu: [|

PROFIT
SWEETSMILE
PATRICIA

hove

to,

(to Sweetsmile) What did you say?
(discovering Patricia )

Me? I didn’t say anything.
Yes you did.
(fo Profit)

‘And you said “give me a kiss”.
PROFIT
AUDIENCE
- PATRICIA
PPAR
PROETE

PATRICEA.

No I didn’t.
(in a loud 1 hisper)

Oh yes he « «1.
Yes, you did. And vo: ~didn’t say it‘

‘... your wife. _
It wasn’t mẹ.

Oh come on, Norman, `

dit with my

own ears. You said, “fuss me.” You said it to

that woman!
PROFIT

No, I just...

17


PATRICIA

Shut up. Youre a married man. Never forget
that. And I'm your wife.
Are you angry, dear?

PROFIT

Act 2
Profit’s office at the Coffee Pot Construction Company. Posters
showing various types of coffee pot are hanging on the wall.
There are two doors, one to the right, one to the left. To the left
alarge safe. At the back of the stage there isa big desk with a
telephone. Behind the desk there ts a chair. It is night. The stage
should be dark. Lovebottle enters from the right with a torch. He
points it slowly first at the posters on the wall, then at the desk,
the chair, the telephone. At last be finds the safe. He tiptoes tothe
safe and kneels i in front of it.

Angry? OF course I am.
PATRICIA

LOVEBOTTLE

-. It’s still not working . . Oh, it’s warm in

here. [’ll take off my scarf.

(He takes it offand puts it on the floor beside
the safe.)
...Now...10...9
(He stops and listerts. )

out.)

Mrs. Profit, you forgot your bag!

(She doesn't hear him and continues out.)

What's that? Sounds like footsteps. I think
someone’s coming.

Oh, what a mess! And it was such a nice
evening. Miss Skylark!
(She enters.)

(He hides behind the desk. Longtalk enters
from the right with a torch and goes to the safe
in the same way as Lovebottle. )

Sing us a song.

EVERYBODY

Brought back, brought back,

Oh brought back my Bonnie to me, to me.
Brought back, brought back,

Oh brought back my Bonnie to me.
WR

kh

18

TI

XU

NA

8

et

ON

at

WING

( He tries to turn the lock, but can’t)

Damn... it’s not working... Pll try again
. .10...9...8...3...2... 1.
(He tries to turn the lock.)

Angry? Of course Iam. I won’t have you
kissing other women. I’m just not standing
for it. Stand up. You’re going home now.
We're going home now.
(She takes him by the collar and drags him

BIGBELLY

10...9...8...1...2...3... turn.

LONGTALK

10...9...8...1...2...3...turn
(He tries to turn the lock but can’t)

Damn... It won’t open. Pil try again . . .

10...9...8...7...3...2...1
(He tries to turn it again.)
It’s still not working .. Oh, it’s warm in
here. PH take my scarf off... (He takes it off

aiid puts it on the floor He discovers
Lovebottle’s scarf. He takes his torch and
searches the room with the light. Lovebottle
comes out from behind the desk.)

19


pire

LONIGTALK

0 s

„th co you think you’re doing?

«

Yes
LOVEBOTTIE
LON GTALK

a security guard, remember that!

|

' (The phone rings)

... Stop that!

rou. Who else?
10 VEBOTTT
_ «hu looking for Mr. Profit.
LONGT
~£' Under his deskl In the middle of the night?
z
That's yuite normal. I want to sell my idea
to him.
“WEBO? TLE Ane that’s why you're looking for him in the

(He grabs the receiver)

WRONG NUMBER!!

(He puts itdown)
.
... If were you I wouldn't ring again...
that’s it, there’s a good boy.
(The phone rings)

WRONG NUMBER!! Don’t you

safe?

~“GTALK —
L VYEBCTTT F
LƠNGTALR.

I’m not looking for him in the safe. Look.

understand? I said wrong number...
(He puts the receiver down and takes outa

And von know why it’s closed, don’t you.

... Now if you ring one more ume...

The safe is closed.

Vt open it.
ING
couid you.
(He picks up Lovebottle’s scarf. )
This is yours, isn’t it.
(The phone rings.)
I'm not answering it.

LOVEBOTTLE
LONGTALK
LOVEBOTTLE

Neither am I. _
You'll have to. } +: were here first.
And I’m going t:. be the first to leave.

LONGTALK

Wait for me.

LOVEBOTTLE

LONGTALK

Somebody’s coming.
Let’s hide.

MOONLIGHT

(He tiptoes towards the door.)

(He drops the scarf and follows Lovebottle.
Suddenly they stop and listen.)

-

;

(Daydream enters from the left.)

... PH kil you.
DAYDREAM

(Screams JAH!

(This scream terrifies Moonlight, who turns

round and screams at the same time.)

MOONLIGHT

Ah...Handsup!

(Daydream puts up his hands. So do Longtalk
and Lovebottle who are still hiding bebind the

desk. Their hands are not seen by Daydream
and Moonlight.)

DAYDREAM

Don’t shoot. It’s me. Daydream. I’m only a

security guard.

(They hide behind the desk. The phone goes
on ringing. Moonlight rushes in from the
right, out of breath. He turns on the light and
grabs the receiver.)
(without listening) Wrong number.
(He puts the phone down and relaxes. )
Oh, what a fool Lam. Why did [rush all the

way up from the first floor, just to say
“Wrong number”? ... It’s none of my

business to answer the telephone. ’'m only

20

revolver.)

Dont

shoot! Tis me!
21


sorry, old ©
dark

send, It’s my nerves. { hate the

DAYDREAM

_you think you could put that gun down,

(He puts the receiver down.)
Well, we'd better go.
(They switch off the lights and leave the stage

_flease.

Oh, yes, of course.
(He puts the revolver in bis pocket. All arms go
town.)

-`' “ĐREAa:
-*NLIGH+
ÌÙL

::JR¿

MOONL:

‘DAY YREAM
MC
— (GHT
DAY DREAM
MOONLIGHT
DAYDREAM

MOONLIGHT
DAYDREAM

MOONLIGHT

22

je matter?

It’s that telephone. It’s driving me mad. It
rings and rings and rings and rings.
“at’s wrong with that.
mber. It’s always the wrong

No, Madam. We’re not coming back. We’re
going home now. Goodbye. . yes we are
switching them off now.

to the left. Very slowly Lovebottle and Longtalk

get up from behind the desk.

LOVEBOTTLE

Let’s get out of here. It’s a madhouse!

(They tiptoe out to the right. Fora moment the
stage is dark and empty. Suddenly there is the
sound of footsteps and a person appears from

the left in a large coat and with a scarf round
their head. The person goes to the safe,

whispers the right code number and opens the

number!

(The telephone rings.)

safe. Aftera while the person tiptoes oul again

Why don’t you answer it?
It'll be some madman.
It might be important. Maybe it’s somebody
calling Mr. Profit.
In the middle of the night! You're crazy.

Sweetsmile enter from the right. He switches
PROFIT

Hello? ... (He listens, then turns to

Moonlight)

SWEETSMILE
PROFIT

(Daydream picks up the receiver.)

... Its a lady... She wants to know why the
lights are on.
Does she? (in a loud voice) Well, I turned

to the left. After a few seconds Profit and

on the light.)

SWEETSMILE
PROFIT

Oh sweetheart. At last we are alone. Kiss

me, little honeypot.
Look! The safe is open.
What? You're right? It’s open. What has
happened?
It’s empty!
Empty? Where’s the money? I've been
robbed!

them on.
(still on the telephone)

Why? ... He’s a security guard, madman,
sorry, Madam. (to Moonlight)
She wants to know when you're going to
switch them off.
Now. We're leaving straightaway. And we're

not going to answer the telephone any
more tonight. Tell her she should be asleep
at this time of night!

Where's the money? Ive.been robbed !
23

.


SWEETSMILE
PROFIT
SWEETSMILE
PROFIT

ˆ It’s all gone.

PROFIT
BATON

Nine, nine, nine... Hello, my name’s

SNOOP

Norman Profit. I’m the manager of the
Coffee Pot Construction Company. ve
been robbed. Someone has broken into my
office and emptied my safe. I’m ruined.
You'd better come at once... Thank you,
thank you.
(He puts down the receiver.)

He’s coming.
Who's coming?

Detective Snoop.

The famous detective Snoop?

SNOOP
SWEETSMILE
24

No. Do you think you'll get my money back?
Don’t worry. Snoop will catch them. He’ll
get them.
(finding the other scarf)

Is this scarf yours?

SWEETSMILE
SNOOP
PROFIT

No. I’m quite sure.
(1o Profit) Is it yours?
No. When will you find my money? How

BATON

Don’t worry. Snoop will catch them. He'll
get them.

PROFIT
SNOOP

long will it take you?

(Snoop takes outa magnifying-glass and
examines the safe.)
It’s empty.
.
No, it isn’t. Look. Here’s a hair.

(He looks at it with the magnifying-glass. Then

Yes.

You may kiss me now, Norman.
Kiss you? No. No. Not now. Oh my money,
honey! My money, honey!
(Snoop enters with Baton from the right. )

SNOOP
PROFIT
SNOOP
SWEETSMILE
PROFIT
BATON

Are you sure?
Quite sure.
(to Profit) Is it yours?

SWEETSMILE
SNOOP

No, it’s not true! Good Lord! I’m ruined!
What are we going to do?
Call the police.
You're right. Good thinking. Pll call the
police.

(He dials)

' SWEETSMILE
PROFIT
SWEETSMILE
PROFIT
SWEETSMILE
PROFIT

SNOOP

Good
Good
Now
Look.

morning, Sir.
morning. This lady is my secretary.
what has happened?
When we came in, the safe was open.

he looks at Sweetsmile’s hair and Profit’s.)

PROFIT
BATON

SNOOP

It’s not yours ..,andit’snot yours.
Whose is it?
Don’t worry. Snoop will catch them. He'll
get them.

Let’s go to the Richmond Hotel.
(He gives the hair to Baton.)

Look after this hair.

(Baton takes the hair and holds it very
carefully.)

We'll catch them. We'll get them.

And all my money was gone.

BATON

(Snoop walks around. He finds one of the
scarves.)

END OF ACT TWO

Don’t worry. Snoop will catch them. He'll
get them.
(to Sweetsmile)

Is this scarf yours?
No.

25


Act 3

SKYLARK

The Richmond Hotel. The same set as in the first act. Bigbelly
and Miss Wiggle are at the bar. Lovebottle is sitting at one table.
Longtalk and Sleepy at another. Broom enters. She is very
excited.

BROOM
WIGGLE
BROOM
WIGGLE
BROOM

Have you heard the news?
No.
So you haven't heard about the burglary?
What has happened?
Somebody has robbed Mr. Profit.

WIGGLE

Oh no, that’s terrible. Who would do a

LOVEBOTTLE
BROOM

LONGTALK
BROOM

LOVEBOTTLE
BROOM
BIGBELLY
.

thing like that?
Is it true?
Yes, itis... it’s in the paper.

= What happened to all his money?

The money was stolen... every last penny
has gone.
All of it?
Yes.
That’s terrible. Get Miss Skylark. She must
sing a song to cheer us up. Miss Skylark!

SKYLARK

What’s the matter?

WIGGLE.

Something terrible has happened.
Somebody has taken all Mr. Profit’s money.

SKYLARK

BIGBELLY
SKYLARK

‘LONGTALK

‘LOVEBOTTLE
BROOM
26

Oh, yes, it’s a disaster. I heard it on the

radio. All his money’s been stolen.
Sing us a song and make us happy again.
I can’t. I can’t sing. I’m too upset. Poor Mr.
Profit. Look. My hands are shaking. Pm
trembling at the thought.

~—s (Jo Lovebottle) 1 think she’s the u ‘cf.
Ohyes... the lady on the relephc
Sing a song, Miss Slo cark

©

I can’t. You must understand. I’m a sensitive

woman. I can’t sing now.

(Snoop, Baton, Profit and Sweetsmile enter
through the main entrance. Baton is carrying
the hair.)

BATON

In the name of the Law: Stay where you
are. Nobody leave the room.

SLEEPY

(wakening up)

SKYLARK

I’m not the thief. I’ve never seen Mr. Profit’s

LOVEBOTTLE

Don’t trust her.

Mrs. Broom? Who's calling Mrs. Broom?
There she is .. . at the bar.
BIGBELLY
Oh, go back to sleep. Welcome Mr. Snoop.
We've heard about the burglary. Do you
think you can find the thief?
BATON
Don’t worry. Snoop will catch them. He’ll
get them.
LOVEBOTTLE Look at her hands. She must be very
nervous.
LONGTALK —= She must have a bad conscience.
office. ’'ve never seen the safe.

(Snoop looks at Loveb: ‘tle. He takes out bis
scarf.)

SNOOP
LOVEBOTTLE

(To Louebotle) Is thiMy scarf?

LONGTALK

Yes itis.

LOVEBOTTLE

No it isn’t.

LONGTALK

Yes it is. You

`
ol

snoor
-BOLis

SNOOP

LOVEBCITLE

ph

- tr scar”

oe

—cet

ripht.!l.
agit) Th
¢. How did you know?

.
He was in the office 190

(To Longtalk) OW vor Sy"‹ 7
(He takc: 9012201

wacn.
Maybc tị ¡3 YOV SC+»,

of fact.
Yes itis ll asan cer

=

7
.

2

_—

dic

ey:

ou!

|


LONGTALK
LOVEBOTTLE
LONGTALK
SNOOP
BATON

DAYDREAM
MOONLIGHT
SNOOP

But I didn’t steal the money. He caught me
trying to open the safe.
But he couldn’t remember the

combination.

Neither could he.
OK. Then it’s obvious. You are not the thief
and you are not the thief. You are both too
stupid!
There you are! You can depend on Snoop.
(Moonlight and Daydream enter through the
main entrance.)

(to Snoop) Good morning, Sir. You sent for

us.
Weare the security guards.
Then you must have been watching. I want
you to tell me everything you saw. You
were in the office. Was the safe open?

DAYDREAM

No. It was closed.

MOONLIGHT

But the telephone rang and a lady asked
me...
.. when are you leaving?
A lady?
(pointing at Skylarkz) What about her?
Oh no, she was here all evening singing for
the guests.

DAYDREAM
SNOOP
LOVEBOTTLE

BIGBELLY
SNOOP
PROFIT
BROOM
PROFIT
BROOM

I see. (to Skylark)

You are not the thief. And for the same
reason Mr. Bigbelly isn’t the thief either.
Maybe it’s the clearaing lady.
Me? Oh, come on. ¥ou had all the money in
the safe. How mucti?
Two million pounds.

Now listen. If [hac ve million por7

wouldn’t be standing here. a wo
my way to Sout) Anger

28

¿-

‹ bẻ on
_ di’t you?

SNOOP
BROOM

Yes, of course. You are not the thief. Don’t
worry Mrs. Broom.
(points at Sweetsmile)

What about her? Maybe she was the lady on

the phone. Maybe she crept in and stole the

money.

PROFIT
WIGGLE

PROFIT
SNOOP
PROFIT
BATON
LONGTALK

SNOOP

No that’s impossible. She has been with me

__all the time. Besides, she is in love with me.

I’m going to marry her.
But you're already married. You can 't have
two wives.

I'm going to get divorced.
So you're not the thief.
My money, my money, my money. Where is
it?

Don’t worry. Snoop will catch them. He'll

get them!

(pointing to Miss Wiggle °

It must be her then. Sh:
theo:
No. It can t be her. She has a ve.
memor:. She couldn’t even ¡€i -

one tit.

Youw

you?

ham sa: (lwich — nevernp :¡d t
combi. .!ion for the safe!

PROFIT

(Pe

BIGBELLY
PATRICIA
B: BEL
sNCOP

Ce

.tgiveup,Mr.Snoc:

Profitenters with::
-Ornibx++a7—.

-

—:«se.)

7

—~ vd morning. | forgot n., bag.
vos We found it. Here vou are

MTR,

just

ter

(He takes out the ma, -,
examines ber hair.)

Well, well, well

(Baton gives bin

. Baton.

the hai snoop

dc
uxamines tt

and nods.)
insid: vour
Mes. Profit, may ! 1a a lookK
case?

29


SNOOP

EVERYBODY

(Baton puts the case on a table and opens it.
Snoop takes outa ticket.)
What’s this? British Airways. A one-way
ticket to South America? And what’s this?
(He holds up the case so that everybody on
stage can see what's in it.)

PROFIT
SKYLARK

If you have a problem, just call on Snoop.
(with everyone)

For
For

For
And

he’s a jolly good fellow.
he’s a jolly good fellow.
he’s a jolly good fellow.
so say all of us.

THE END

PATRICIA

Oh no, it’s not fair. I deserve the money. It’s
mine. I took it because he doesn’t love me
any more. He wants a divorce. He wants to

marry that woman... . just because she is
young and beautiful. And what about me?
What am I going to do? Who wants to

SNOO=
BATON
PROFIT
BIGBELLY
WIGGLE
SKYLARK

marry me? Nobody wants to marry an old
woman with no money.
Come on, Mrs. Profit. You can tell us all

about it down at the Police Station.
You see... Snoop caught her. He got her.
“Raton, Snoop and Mrs. Profit leave.)
(.
“ing the money) Oh my money, my
mo.
= ‘Thank you Mi. Snoop.

Drink.

the house.

Sonowy

= see that crime will never pay.

Right will.

+s have its way.

31


Before you read the play

1. Do you belong to any special group — a sports club? The
Scouts? Why did you join?

2. Is there a group you would like to join, but cannot?

3. Have you ever been a member ofa ‘gang’? Why did you
join? Did you have to do anything special in order to
become a member?

4. Do you ever wear a uniform? When? What is it like? Do
you feel different when you put it on?

The characters
Albert
Yellow
Yellow
Yellow
Yellow

Leader
1
2
3

Yellow 4

Yellow 5

Yellow 6

Yellow 7
Yellow 8

7 spectators

Green
Green
Green
Green

Leader
1
2
3

Green 4

Green 5

Green 6

Green 7
Green 8


Poor Albert
This is a play about group pressure and self-confidence. The
central character is Albert. He starts with very little self-

confidence. There are two main groups — the greens and
the yellows — each with a leader. There is a third group —
the spectators. When the play is performed with an
audience, the spectators can sit among the audience.

Scene 1
The stage is empty. Yellow Leader enters
from the left with a yellow scarf in his
hand.
YELLOW LEADER

Ah, good old yellow. I love yellow.

GREEN LEADER
YELLOW LEADER
GREEN LEADER
YELLOW LEADER

What did you say?

GREEN LEADER

(Green Leader enters from the right with
a green scarf.)

I love yellow.
Green is better .. . much better.
No. You're wrong there. I prefer

yellow.
You do? You're crazy. Green’s my
colour, and I’m going to stay green.
(Albert enters. He stands between Yellow
and Green. Yellow Leader offers Albert
his scarf and smiles. )

YELLOW LEADER

Albert? Come on. Look. See what I’ve
ot.

albert goes up to Yellow Leader and

feels the scarf.)
It’s very nice, isn’t it.

(Green Leader holds out his hand with

the scarfand smiles).
GREEN LEADER

Albert? Come on. Go on. Have a look
at mine.
(Albert becomes doubtful. He goes up to
Green Leader and feels bis scarf.)

YELLOW LEADER

Oh, Albert, don’t you think that
yellow is beautiful?
(Albert looks doubtful.)

GREEN LEADER
ALBERT

GREEN LEADER
YELLOW LEADER
GREEN LEADER
ALBERT
YELLOW LEADER
ALBERT
YELLOW LEADER

Yellow is a very nice colour, really
very nice.

goes back towards Yellow Leader.)

ALBERT
YELLOW LEADER

green, isn’t there.

ALBERT

(Albert lets go of the green scarfand

GREEN LEADER

That’s right. That’s better.
But there’s something special about
(Albert turns round and goes back

GREEN LEADER
YELLOW LEADER

GREEN LEADER
YELLOW LEADER

(tempting) Come on Albert.
(tempting )Come on Albert... my
friend.
(tempting ) Look, green’s lovely, isn’t it.
(tempting ) But yellow is much better,
ist it.
(Albert looks from side to side. Yellow
Leader and Green Leader approach.
Albert starts to get nervous. He chooses
the green scarf, and puts it on.)

Well, in my opinion, yellow would

suit you much better.
Oh, come on.
Do you think so?
I’m quite sure.
Well...er...as
you can see... I’ve

chosen... I’ve made up my mind.
Yes, it looks like it. I can’t believe it. In
fact, ’'m astonished. I always thought

you had good taste.
Did you?

Oh yes. You had a sense of beauty and
quality. You were always able to make
the right decision. You were confident.

Well, I still am.

(He takes off the scarf and gives it to

(To Yellow Leader )\ just wanted to try
it on.

But you can’t do that. You can’t go

back.
(Albert stops between Yellow Leader
and Green Leader:)

It’s nice and warm.
Oh, yes, and it suits you.

Green Leader without looking at him.)

towards. Green Leader. )

YELLOW LEADER

That’s right. That’s the colour for you.

YELLOW LEADER

Of course. Why not! Very sensible. I

would have done the same myself.

You've made the right choice. Here
you are.

(Yellow Leader gives the yellow scarf to
Albert. He puts it on.)
That’s it. J must say it suits you.

Congratulations. You'll never regret it.
Goodbye.

(Yellow Leader shakes hands with

Albert and goes out to the left. Albert
looks at the scarf aid smiles.)


GREEN 3
GREEN 2

Scene 2
Green 1 enters from the right, wearing a
green scarf.
GREEN 1
ALBERT
GREEN 1
ALBERT

GREEN 1
GREEN 2
ALBERT
GREEN 2
ALBERT
GREEN 2

What's that? A yellow.scarf?

GREE.» +
GREEN 2
GREEN 2
GREEN 3

Well, to be honest, J think it’s a very
peculiar idea.
Do you?
(Green 2 enters from the right, also
wearing a green scarf.)
(To Green 2) Hello, look at him.

What’s that? (to Albert) Do you prefer

yellow?

Yes, I do.

I see. (to Green 1) Funny idea, isn’t it.

LO

Jirst finger to his forehead and turns it.)
GREEN 5

GREEN 6
GREEN 5
GREEN 6

GREEN LEADER

Have you seen that awful sight?
Oh no! What’s that he’s got on?

(Gi
“22% fom right, wearinga
greens...
` ¿2`
tsatAlbert.)
Green 3) Is he
© = =
Goodnes.
ill?

It’s unbelievable. A yellow scarf. He’s

wearing a yellow scarf. What can I say?
Nothing. And I’ve got nothing to say
either. m astonished.

Would you like to try it on again? I

know it isn’t the colour you wanted,
but it’s warm and soft.
(Albert feels tempted, but hesitates.
Green 7 and 8 enter from the right
wearing green Scarves.)

Well, I think it’s a scarf.

"al

What on earth is that?

(Albert feels very uncomfortable. Green
Leader stretches out his hand with a
green scarf.)

do what you want .. . even if it is

“pose everyone can have

anything like that.

(Green 6 enters from the right wearing a

Oh no. It’s a free country... you can

So he prefers yellow, does he?
Tt certainly looks like it.
‘,at a shame. Poor guy. Ah well, I

Pss... pssss ... ve never seen

green scarf.)

Is there anything wrong with yellow?

b

GREEN 4

(Green 5 enters from the right wearing a

green scarf. He looks at Albert, puts his

Yes, it’s nice, isn’t it.

rather unusual.
(Green 3 enters from the right, wearing
a green scarf.)

GRIN SN:3

GREEN 1

No. I’m afraid he’s in good health.
You know, some people are always
trying to attract attention. I suppose
that’s his way of doing it.
That’s probably all he could think of
doing.

GREEN 7
GREEN 8

(Shaking hands with the green
Hello.
8
group)
(Shaking hands with the green group)

GREEN 7
GREEN 8
GREEN 7

You aren't serious, are you?
( to Green 8) I've never seen anything

Hello.
Good grief.

like that before. What do you think?

II


GREEN 8

I don’t know. I suppose the world is

full of people like that.

Scene 3

(Green Leader stretches out his hand

with the green scarf.)

your mind, you know.

(Albert takes off the yellow scarf and lets
it fall to the floor. He takes the green
scarf from Green Leader and puts it on.)

Now that feels better, doesn’t it.
ALBERT
GREEN LEADER

Oh yes.
And it suits you.
(The green group change their attitude
towards Albert. They smile, pat him on
the back, shake hands etc.)

So was I. You really are all right after
all.
['m very happy we’ve met.

GREEN 4

YELLOW 2

YELLOW 3

were nothing but a crackpot.

Just forget
like one of
Our friend
A member
The green

GREEN 6
GREEN 7
GREEN 8
ALL GREENS
GREEN 8

all about it. Now yourre just
us.
forever.
of the group.
gang.

See you later.
(The green group go out to the right,
whistling together a cheerful tune.)

GREEN LEADER

Well, after all, green IS the best, isn’t

ALBERT

|

it,
Yes, you're right.
Goodbye.
(Green Leader goes out to the right. )

Do you vote for green?
Yes.
I see.
(Yellow 2 enters from the left wearing a
yellow scarf.)

Look. He votes for green.

So am I. J apologize. I thought you

GREEN 5

12

YELLOW 1
ALBERT
YELLOW 1

Look! What a difference.
Sorry about what I said. I was wrong.

GREEN 1
GREEN 2
GREEN 3

GREEN LEADER

Yellow 1 enters from the left, wearing a
yellow scarf.

There’s still time for you to change

GREEN LEADER

YELLOW
YELLOW
YELLOW
YELLOW

4
3
4
3

YELLOW 5
YELLOW 2

Is that true? ... (to Albert) Youre not
serious, are you.
(Yellow 3 enters from the left wearing a

yellow scarf.)

Look at him. He votes for green.
Good grief. Isn’t yellow good enough

for you?
(Yellow 4 enters from the left wearing a
yellow scarf.)
Have you heard? Yellow isn’t good

enough for him. He votes for green.
Green! You must be joking.
Pm not! Look.
You're right. Why?
I don’t know. I don’t suppose he has

ever thought about it.
(Yellow 5 enters from the left wearing a
yellow scarf.)

What’s that? A green scarf? Are you ill?
No, he’s not ill, just crazy.

(Yellow 6 enters from the left wearing a

yellow scarf.)

YELLOW 6
ALL YELLOWS

Who's crazy?
He is.

_.13