the book of bad habits for young men and women

The Book of Bad Habits

When you were a kid, did your mother
tell you to stop picking your nose?
Do you wonder what’s so awful about
chewing with your mouth open? Have
you thought about whether or not
it’s okay to pee in the shower? If you
answered yes to any of these questions,
T h e B o o k o f B a d H a b i t s is for you.
Overflowing with comprehensive dos
and don’ts, self-discovery quizzes,
and real-life facts that will blow
you away, it’s your one-stop shop for
the habits everyone loves to hate.

The Book of

Bad
Habits
For Young (and Not So Young!)
Men and Women

Big Book Press

How to Chuck the Worst
and Turn the Rest to Your Advantage

Hawkins and Laube, M.D.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE
 BOOK
 OF
 

Bad
 Habits
 



 

 

 

ALSO
 BY
 BIG
 BOOK
 PRESS
 


 
The
  B oy’s
  B ody
  G uide
 

 
The
  B oy’s
  F itness
  G uide
 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

THE
 BOOK
 OF
 

Bad
 Habits
 


 

 

 

 

 

Frank
 C.
 Hawkins
 

and
 
Greta
 L.B.
 Laube,
 M.D.
 


 


 
Illustrated
  b y
  R ich
  H ong
 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 
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  B ook
  P ress
 


 

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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The
  b ook
  o f
  b ad
  h abits
  /
  b y
  F rank
  C .
  H awkins
  a nd
 
Greta

  L .B.
  L aube,
  M .D.
 
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First
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  S tates
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  A merica
 


 


CONTENTS
 
Introduction.................................................................. vii
 
Picking
 Your
 Nose .........................................................1
 
Belching .............................................................................4

 
Farting................................................................................7
 
Grabbing
 Your
 Crotch...............................................11
 
Peeing
 in
 the
 Shower ................................................14
 
Being
 a
 Slob...................................................................16
 
Chewing
 With
 Your
 Mouth
 Open.........................19
 
Spitting............................................................................23
 
Swearing.........................................................................27
 
Fidgeting ........................................................................31
 
Cracking
 Your

 Knuckles...........................................34
 
Picking
 Your
 Butt........................................................37
 
Missing
 the
 Toilet .......................................................40
 
Not
 Washing
 Up ..........................................................44
 
Peeing
 Outdoors .........................................................48
 
Throwing
 Gum
 on
 the
 Sidewalk...........................51
 
Not
 Wearing
 Deodorant ..........................................53
 
Peeing
 in
 the

 Pool.......................................................55
 
Walking
 With
 Your
 Back
 to
 Traffic .....................58
 
Eating⎯Eating⎯Eating ..........................................61
 
Not
 Opening
 Doors
 for
 Others ..............................64
 
Losing
 Your
 Temper..................................................68


vi
 


 
Calling
 People
 Names ............................................... 71

 
Bragging ......................................................................... 74
 
Complaining.................................................................. 77
 
Being
 a
 Know-­‐It-­‐All ................................................... 79
 
Not
 Listening................................................................ 82
 
Littering.......................................................................... 85
 
Lying ................................................................................ 88
 
Cheating.......................................................................... 92
 
Stealing ........................................................................... 94
 
Feeling
 Sorry
 for
 Yourself....................................... 96
 
Smoking.......................................................................... 99
 
Drinking....................................................................... 102
 
Taking

 Drugs ............................................................. 104
 
Being
 Late................................................................... 109
 
Saying
 No
 to
 Everything....................................... 112
 
Being
 Jealous ............................................................. 114
 
Playing
 With
 Guns................................................... 117
 
Wasting
 Energy........................................................ 120
 
Being
 Critical ............................................................. 123
 
Arguing ........................................................................ 125
 
Being
 a
 Bully.............................................................. 128
 
Biting

 Your
 Nails...................................................... 132
 


INTRODUCTION
 |
 FRANK C. HAWKINS
There
  are
  people
  who
  claim
  they
 
understand
  the
  dos
  and
  don’ts
  of
  social
 
behavior.
  Not
  you
  or
  me,
  obviously,
  but

 
prim
  and
  proper
  people,
  expert
  in
  those
 
sorts
  of
  things,
  who
  spend
  their
  lives
 
considering
  under
  what
  circumstances
  it’s
 
okay
  t o
  e at
  F rench
  f ries
  w ith
  y our

  f ingers.
 
Then
  there
  are
  the
  rest
  of
  us.
  While
  not
 
the
  experts,
  we
  each
  have
  opinions
  of
  what
 
is
  and
  what
  isn’t
  socially
  acceptable.
  If
  you
 

don’t
  believe
  me,
  just
  ask
  any
  two
  people
 
you
  know
  whether
  it’s
  okay
  to
  spit
  on
  the
 
sidewalk.
  You’ll
  get
  an
  answer
  for
  sure—
probably
  conflicting⎯but
  you’ll
  get

  one
 
nonetheless.
  Regrettably,
  people
  don’t
 
agree.
  N ot
  e ven
  t he
  e xperts.
 
So,
  what
  is
  a
  bad
  habit
  you
  ask?
  Let’s
 
start
  with
  the
  word
  bad,
  which
  means

 
“unwelcome
  or
  unpleasant.”
  Next,
  the
  word
 
habit,
  which
  means
  a
  “regular
  practice
  or
 
tendency.”
  A
  bad
  habit,
  then,
  would
  be
  the
 
regular
  practice
  or
  tendency
  of

  saying
  or
 
doing
  s omething
  u nwelcome
  o r
  u npleasant.
 
That
  definition
  seems
  straightforward
 
enough.
  But,
  on
  further
  examination,
  it’s
 


viii
 

anything
 but.
 The
 difficulty

 comes
 when
 we
 
try
  to
  distinguish
  regular
  from
  irregular,
 
welcome
  from
  unwelcome.
  If
  your
  action
 
offends
  or
  puts
  the
  health
  and
  welfare
  of
 
you
 or
 someone

 else
 at
 risk,
 it
 likely
 will
 be
 
judged
  a s
  u nwelcome
  a nd
  o ut
  o f
  t he
  n orm—
bad,
  that
  is.
  Farting
  in
  the
  elevator
  is
 
offensive,
 but
 it’s
 not
 going

 to
 harm
 anyone.
 
Smoking
  a
  pack
  of
  cigarettes
  a
  day,
 
however,
  is
  another
  story.
  Both
  are
  bad
 
habits.
 
Some
  bad
  habits
  make
  people
  laugh.
 
Belching

  the
  ABCs
  for
  your
  friends
  is
  funny
 
because
  it
  breaks—or
  at
  least
  bends—the
 
rules
  of
  acceptable
  social
  behavior.
  It’s
 
good
  to
  remember,
  though,
  that
  every
 
action

  has
  consequences
  good
  and
  bad.
 
Belching
  for
  your
  friends
  and
  belching
  in
  a
 
job
  interview
  are
  not
  the
  same—unless
 
you’re
  auditioning
  for
  a
  spot
  in
  an
  antacid

 
commercial.
  You
  need
  to
  know
  when
  and
 
where
  society
  draws
  the
  line
  between
 
what’s
  a cceptable
  a nd
  w hat’s
  n ot.
 
 
That’s
  where
  this
  book
  comes
  in.
  It

  may
 
come
  as
  a
  surprise,
  but
  we’re
  not
  going
  to
 
tell
  you
  to
  stop
  all
  your
  bad
  habits.
  Some
 
are
  too
  fundamentally
  satisfying
  to
  be
 

ix
 

stopped
  altogether
  even
  though
  they
  may
 
annoy
  someone.
  On
  the
  other
  side
  of
  that
 
coin
  a re
  t hose
  h abits
  t hat
  c an
  h urt
  o thers
  o r
 

make
  them
  sick.
  You
  should
  stop
  them
  for
 
the
  b enefit
  o f
  s ociety
  a s
  a
  w hole.
 
Now,
 let’s
 take
 a
 look
 at
 a
 few
 of
 our
 bad
 
habits—the

  things
  we
  do
  that
  are
  at
  once
 
appealing
  and
  repulsive,
  satisfying
  and
 
disgusting,
  c elebrated
  a nd
  r eviled.
 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

 



 


 


 

THE
 BOOK
 OF
 

Bad
 Habits
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing
  s o
  n eeds
  r eforming
 
as
  o ther
  p eople's
  h abits.
 

 
M ARK
  T WAIN

  ( 1835-­‐1910)
 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 


 



 

THE
 BOOK
 OF
 Bad
 Habits
 


 

1
 

PICKING
 YOUR
 NOSE
 
Nose
  picking
  is
  the
  act
  of
 
digging
  boogers
  from
  your
 

nose.
  S esquipedalians
  ( persons
 
given
 to
 using
 long
 words)
 call
 
people
  who
  pick
  their
  noses
 
rhinotillexomaniacs:
  from
  the
 
Greek
  rhinos,
  “the
  nose”
  +
 
tillexis,
  “the
  habit

  of
  picking”
  +
 
mania,
  “ obsession
  w ith
  s omething.”
 
No
  one
  knows
  who
  the
  first
  person
  to
 
pick
  his
  nose
  was.
  That’s
  because
  it
 
happened
  before
  people
  could

  write.
 
Popular
  a ccounts
  s ay
  t hat
  t he
  f irst
  r ecord
  o f
 
nose
  picking
  appeared
  about
  1330
  B.C.
  in
 
ancient
  Egypt.
  Apparently,
  an
  archaeologist
 
by
  the
  name
  of
  Dr.

  Wilbur
  Leakey
  found
  a
 
papyrus
  scroll
  that
  detailed
  the
  financial
 
payment
  of
  three
  heads
  of
  cattle
  and
  food
 
and
  lodging
  to
  Tutankhamun's
  personal
 
nose
  p icker. 1
 

Here’s
  how
  it
  worked.
  The
  membranes
 
in
  the
  good
  Pharaoh’s
  nose
  produced
  wet
 
mucus.
  As
  he
  breathed
  in–and–out
  through
 
his
  nose,
  the
  mucus
  dried
  and
  became
 

crusty.
  That
  crusty
  mucus
  irritated
 


2
 


 

Hawkins
 and
 Laube,
 M.D.
 

Tutankhamun’s
  nose,
  and
  the
  rest
  is
 
history.
 Except
 for

 the
 fact
 that
 most
 people
 
pick
  their
  own
  noses
  these
  days,
  not
  much
 
has
  c hanged
  i n
  t he
  l ast
  3 ,000
  o r
  s o
  y ears.
 
Just
  to
  prove
  it,
  in

  1995,
  The
  Journal
  of
 
Psychiatry
  published
  the
  results
  of
  a
  nose
 
picking
  study
  in
  which
  the
  1,000
  residents
 
of
  Dane
  County,
  Wisconsin
  were
  surveyed.2
 
Here’s
 what

 the
 254
 people
 who
 responded
 
had
  t o
  s ay:
 
More
  than
  90%
  confessed
  they
  picked
 
their
  n ose.
 
Almost
  10%
  claimed
  they
  have
  never
 
picked
  their
  nose.

  (We
  suspect
  these
 
people
  are
  liars
  or
  suffer
  from
  memory
 
loss.)
 
About
  25%
  admitted
  they
  pick
  their
 
noses
  e very
  d ay.
 
Three
  people
  said
  they
  pick

  every
  hour
 
of
  e very
  d ay.
 
One
 person
 claimed
 to
 pick
 more
 than
 2
 
hours
  e ach
  d ay.
 
About
  1 0%
  a te
  t heir
  b oogers.
 
Let’s
  face
  it.
  We

  all
  pick
  our
  noses,
 
whether
  it’s
  to
  get
  rid
  of
  a
  hanging
  booger,
 
scratch
  an
  itch,
  or
  relieve
  irritation
  caused
 



 

THE
 BOOK

 OF
 Bad
 Habits
 


 

3
 

by
 that
 crusty
 mucus.
 Some
 of
 us
 even
 do
 it
 
just
  b ecause
  i t’s
  f un
  a nd
  b oogers
  t aste
  g ood.

 
No
 matter
 how
 necessary
 or
 satisfying
 it
 
is,
  though,
  nose
  picking
  is
  considered
  rude
 
and
 repugnant.
 Here
 are
 some
 ideas
 on
 how
 
to
  pick,
  flick,
  and

  stick
  boogers
  without
 
grossing
  o ut
  a bsolutely
  e veryone.
 
Picking
  D os
  a nd
  D on’ts
 
•
•
•
•
•
•

Try
  to
  pick
  your
  nose
  only
  when
  you’re
 

alone.
 
Remember
  that
  wet
  boogers
  stick
  and
 
dry
  b oogers
  b ounce.
 
Use
  a
  handkerchief
  or
  tissue
  paper
  if
 
you
  must
  pick
  in
  public.
  Make
  it
  quick
 

and
  d iscreet.
 
Don’t
  pick
  while
  seated
  at
  the
  table
 
eating
  w ith
  o ther
  p eople.
 
Don’t
  pick
  if
  you
  are
  handling
  food
  and
 
drinks
  f or
  o thers.
 
Remember

  that
  picking
  does
  not
 
impress
  g irls—or
  b oys
  f or
  t hat
  m atter.


 


4
 


 

Hawkins
 and
 Laube,
 M.D.
 

BELCHING
 

Belch,
  from
  the
  Old
  English
  “belcettan,”
  is
 
what’s
  called
  an
  onomatopoeic
  word;
  that
 
is,
  it
  reproduces
  a
  natural
  sound,
  like
  fizz.
 
Belching,
  also
  known
  as
  burping,
 

eructation,
  and
  ructus,
  is
  the
  return
  of
  air
 
from
  either
  your
  esophagus
  or
  stomach
 
through
  your
  mouth.
  Vibration
  of
  your
 
upper
  esophageal
  sphincter
  produces
  the
 
sound

  (you
  know
  the
  one)
  as
  air
  passes
 
through
  it.
  In
  the
  way
  of
  belching
  basics,
 
just
  k now
  t hat
  a ir
  i n
  =
  b elches
  o ut.
 
Like
  everyone,
  you
  have

  two
  one-­‐way
 
valves,
  or
  sphincters,
  which
  open
  and
  close
 
to
  let
  food
  and
  drink
  (and
  air)
  move
  down
 
your
  throat,
  through
  your
  esophagus,
  and
 
into
 your

 stomach.
 When
 you
 swallow,
 your
 
upper
 sphincter
 opens
 to
 let
 food
 and
 drink
 
(and
 air)
 enter
 your
 esophagus.
 As
 the
 food
 
and
  drink
  (and
  air—see
  a
  pattern

  here?)
 
reach
  the
  bottom
  of
  your
  esophagus,
  your
 
lower
 sphincter
 opens
 and
 allows
 it
 to
 pass
 
into
  y our
  s tomach.
 
While
  a ll
  b elches
  s ound
  s imilar,
  e ach
  h as

 
a
  distinct
  personality.
  Bombshell
  belches,
 
for
 example,
 come
 from
 your
 stomach.
 They
 



 

THE
 BOOK
 OF
 Bad
 Habits
 


 

5
 

are
  spontaneous
  and
  involuntary.
  Bomb-­‐
shells
  happen
  when
  they
  happen,
  and
  they
 
smell
 like
 whatever
 it
 was
 that
 you
 last
 ate.
 
This
  can
  be
  a

  problem
  if
  you’re
  seated
  at
 
the
  dinner
  table
  or
  meeting
  your
 
girlfriend’s
  f ather
  f or
  t he
  f irst
  t ime.
 
Backfire
  belches
  are
  when
  you
 
deliberately
  force
  air
  you

  swallowed
  while
 
eating
 and
 drinking
 back
 out
 by
 contracting
 
your
  abdominal
  muscles
  and
  relaxing
  your
 
upper
  e sophageal
  s phincter.
 
Then
  there’s
  our
  personal
  favorite,
  the
 
Barrage.

  It’s
  executed
  just
  like
  the
  backfire
 
except
  that
  you
  intentionally
  swallow
  a
 
gulp
  o f
  a ir
  a nd
  i mmediately
  f orce
  i t
  b ack
  u p.
 
This
  mother-­‐of-­‐all
  belches
  gives
  you
  the

 
ability
  to
  belch
  at
  will.
  With
  practice,
  you
 
can
  control
  the
  belch’s
  duration,
  acoustic
 
range,
  a nd
  v olume.
 
According
  to
  people
  who
  are
  interested
 
in
  these

  things,
  the
  loudest
  belch
  ever
 
recorded
  (so
  far)
  was
  107.1
  decibels
  (dB).
 
Paul
  Hunn
  from
  the
  United
  Kingdom
 
achieved
  this
  record
  of
  epic
  proportions
  in
 
London

 on
 September
 24,
 2008.
 And
 just
 so
 
you’ll
  know,
  Mr.
  Hunn
  produced
  about
  the
 


6
 


 

Hawkins
 and
 Laube,
 M.D.
 

same
  noise
  level
  with
  his
  belch,
  as
  does
  a
 
power
  m ower
  a t
  a
  d istance
  o f
  3
  f eet.
 
In
  most
  English-­‐speaking
  countries,
 
belching
  out
  loud
  is
  considered
  impolite.

 
There
  are
  other
  places,
  though,
  where
 
belching
  signals
  the
  host
  that
  you’re
 
finished
  with
  your
  meal,
  and
  a
  good
  strong
 
belch
  is
  considered
  an
  accolade
  for

  the
 
cook.
  With
  these
  differences
  in
  mind,
  here
 
are
  a
  few
  dos
  and
  don’ts
  for
  our
  little
 
corner
  o f
  t he
  w orld.
 
Belching
  D os
  a nd
  D on’ts
 

•

•
•

Belch
  quietly
  and
  cover
  your
  mouth
 
when
  there’s
  sufficient
  warning
  of
 
what’s
  coming.
  Keep
  your
  lips
  closed
  if
 
you
  can,
  and
  quietly

  release
  the
  air
 
through
  y our
  n ose
  o r
  m outh.
 
Say,
  “Excuse
  me!”
  no
  matter
  whether
 
your
  burp
  is
  quiet
  or
  loud,
  a
  surprise
  or
 
planned.
 
 

Don’t
  drink
  carbonated
  beverages
  like
 
sodas
  from
  cans,
  bottles,
  or
  through
  a
 
straw.
  ( Unless
  y ou
  w ant
  t o
  b elch.)
 
 

Consider
  This:
  There’s
  no
  Guinness
 
World

  R ecord
  f or
  t he
  l ongest
  b elch.
 



 

THE
 BOOK
 OF
 Bad
 Habits
 


 

7
 

FARTING
 
Farting
  is
  the
  act

 
of
  releasing
  gas
 
from
  your
  anus,
 
otherwise
 known
 
as
  the
  hole
  in
 
your
  butt.
  The
 
formal
  word
  for
 
fart
  is
  flatulence:
  from
  Latin

  flatus,
 
“blowing.”
  Farts
  also
  are
  called
  gassers,
 
stinkers,
  air
  biscuits,
  bombers,
  barking
 
spiders,
  rotten
  eggs,
  and
  wet
  ones.
  You
  can
 
pass
  g as,
  b reak
  w ind,
  b last,
  p oof,

  r ip
  o ne,
  l et
 
one
 fly,
 and
 cut
 the
 cheese.
 As
 Juliet
 said
 to
 
Romeo,
  “What's
  in
  a
  name?
  That
  which
  we
 
call
  a
  rose
  by
  any
  other

  name
  would
  smell
 
as
  s weet."
 
Everyone
  farts.
  The
  only
  requirement
  is
 
that
  you
  have
  gas
  in
  your
  digestive
  tract,
 
that
  is,
  your
  esophagus,
  stomach,
  small
 

intestine,
  or
  large
  intestine.
  Fart
  gas
  comes
 
from
  air
  that
  you
  swallow
  and
  from
  the
 
normal
  breakdown
  of
  foodstuff
  by
  bacteria
 
in
  y our
  l arge
  i ntestine.
 
Burping

 is
 the
 way
 you
 get
 rid
 of
 most
 of
 
the
  air
  that
  you
  swallow
  while
  eating
  and
 


8
 


 

Hawkins
 and
 Laube,

 M.D.
 

drinking.
  (See
  Belching.)
  Any
  gas
  that
 
remains
  after
  that
  big
  after-­‐dinner
  burp
 
moves
  on
  to
  your
  small
  intestine,
  where
  it
 
is
  partially
  absorbed.
  Then,

  what
  little
  is
 
left
  travels
  into
  your
  large
  intestine
 
destined
  f or
  r elease
  t hrough
  y our
  a nus.
 
In
  the
  end,
  it’s
  bacteria
  in
  your
 
intestines
  that
  get
  credit

  for
  causing
  most
 
of
  the
  gas
  that
  makes
  you
  fart.
  It
  all
 
happens
  in
  your
  large
  intestine
  (or
  colon)
 
as
  bacteria
  work
  to
  digest
  sugars
  and
 

starches
 that
 haven’t
 already
 
T HERE
 ONCE
 
been
  digested
  in
  your
  small
 
WAS
 A
 LADY
 
intestine.
  Those
  bacteria
 
NAMED
 
C AGER ,
 
produce
  hydrogen,
  carbon
 

W HO
 AS
 THE
 
dioxide,
  and
  sometimes
 
RESULT
 OF
 A
 
methane
  a s
  t hey
  d igest
  f ood.
 
WAGER ,
 
C ONSENTED
 TO
 
The
  bacteria
  also
  make
 
FART
  T HE

 
small
  amounts
  of
  hydrogen
 
ENTIRE
 OBOE
 
sulfide
 and
 mercaptans,
 both
 
PART
  O F
 
M OZART ' S
 
of
  which
  contain
  sulfur.
 
QUARTET
 IN
 
That’s
  what
  gives

  gas
  its
 
F-­‐ MAJOR .
 

 
smell.
  The
  more
  sulfur-­‐rich
 
A NONYMOUS
 
food
  you
  eat,
  the
  more
 
sulfides
  and
  mercaptans
  your
  body
  makes,
 
the
  worse
  your

  farts
  smell.
  Cauliflower,
 
corn,
  bell
  peppers,
  cabbage,
  milk,
  bread,
 



 

THE
 BOOK
 OF
 Bad
 Habits
 


 

9
 

eggs,

  and
  raisins
  make
  for
  really
  foul
 
smelling
  farts.
  Beans
  make
  you
  fart
  a
  lot,
 
but
  b ean
  f arts
  u sually
  a ren’t
  t hat
  s melly.
 
Here
  are
  some
  facts
  to
  impress

  your
 
friends.
  Use
  them
  wisely
  and
  only
  at
  the
 
appropriate
  time;
  in
  other
  words,
  not
 
during
  d inner
  o r
  i n
  f ront
  o f
  p olite
  c ompany.
 
 
The
  a verage

  p erson
  f arts
  1 4
  t imes
  a
  d ay.
 
Vibrations
  of
  your
  anal
  opening
  make
 
fart
  noise,
  not
  the
  flapping
  of
  your
  butt
 
cheeks.
 
The
  smelliest
  farts,
  euphemistically
 

referred
  to
  as
  SBDs
  (silent-­‐but-­‐deadly),
 
are
  usually
  warmer
  and
  quieter
  than
 
regular
  f arts.
 
Girls
  fart
  just
  as
  much
  as
  guys,
  although
 
guys
  take
  more
  pride
  in

  fart-­‐related
 
accomplishments
  t han
  d o
  g irls.
 
Eating
  stimulates
  peristalsis,
  a
  series
  of
 
smooth
  muscle
  contractions
  that
  pushes
 
foodstuffs
  through
  your
  intestines
  and
 
toward
  your
  anus.
  That’s

  why
  you
  fart
 
and
  p oop
  r ight
  a fter
  a
  m eal.
 
Holding
  a
  fart
  won’t
  make
  it
  go
  away.
 
Sooner
  o r
  l ater
  i t’s
  g oing
  t o
  h appen.
 
People
  f art

  i n
  t heir
  s leep.
 


10
 


 

Hawkins
 and
 Laube,
 M.D.
 

Farts
  are
  flammable
  because
  they
 
contain
  h ydrogen
  ( spelled
  H -­‐i-­‐n-­‐d-­‐e-­‐n-­‐b-­‐
u-­‐r-­‐g)
  a nd

  m ethane.
  B e
  c areful.
 
Farting
  at
  an
  inopportune
  moment
  can
 
be
  embarrassing.
  When
  this
  happens,
  there
 
are
  many
  different
  strategies
  to
  deal
  with
 
the
  situation.
  You
  can,

  of
  course,
  fess
  up
  to
 
your
  indiscretion.
  Or
  if
  you
  suspect
  people
 
may
  not
  know
  it’s
  you
  that
  farted,
  you
  can
 
act
  oblivious
  and
  glance
  knowingly
  at

  the
 
person
  next
  to
  you.
  Or
  you
  can
  try
 
alternative
 strategies
 to
 disguise
 your
 deed,
 
like
  coughing
  or
  moving
  your
  chair
  so
  that
 
people
  m ight
  t hink

  t hey
  m isheard
  t he
  f art.
 
Farting
  D os
  a nd
  D on’ts
 
•
•
•
•
•

Try
  t o
  f art
  o nly
  w hen
  y ou’re
  a lone.
 
Don’t
  fart
  at
  the
  dinner
  table

  or
  in
 
enclosed
  s paces,
  l ike
  e levators.
 
Say,
 “Excuse
 me!”
 if
 you
 fart
 by
 accident
 
and
  e veryone
  k nows
  i t
  w as
  y ou.
 
Don’t
  fart
  in
  front
  of
  girls,

  unless
  you
 
know
  t hem
  v ery
  w ell.
 
Enjoy
  y our
  f arts.
  T hey
  a re
  h ere
  t o
  s tay.
 



 

THE
 BOOK
 OF
 Bad
 Habits
 

 

11
 

GRABBING
 YOUR
 CROTCH
 
Grabbing
  your
  crotch
  is
  the
  overt
  act
  of
 
holding,
  stroking,
  patting,
  scratching,
 
massaging,
  or
  otherwise
  touching
  your
 
genitals

  in
  public.
  There
  are
  many
  reasons
 
to
 touch
 your
 genitalia,
 otherwise
 known
 as
 
your
  package.
  There
  are
  matters
  of
 
necessity,
  like
  scratching
  a
  pesky
  itch
  or
 

rearranging
  your
  package
  if
  it’s
  tangled
  in
 
your
  underwear.
  There
  also
  are
  matters
  of
 
choice.
  These
  are
  when
  men
  handle
  their
 
package
  b ecause
  t hey
  b elieve
  i t
  m akes

  t hem
 
look
  good
  or
  because
  it
  feels
  good.
  In
  some
 
countries,
  handling
  your
  package
  brings
 
you
  g ood
  l uck.
  O r
  s o
  t hose
  w ho
  d o
  i t
  s ay.
 
There

 are
 two
 ways
 to
 grab
 your
 crotch:
 
inside
  or
  outside
  your
  pants.
  Most
  baseball
 
players
  and
  entertainers,
  especially
  rap
 
singers,
  favor
  the
  outside
  technique.
  If
  you
 

want
  to
  be
  noticed,
  outside
  is
  the
  best
  way
 
of
  handling
  things,
  so
  to
  speak.
  It’s
  hard
  to
 
do
  a
  good
  job
  scratching,
  though,
  when
  it’s
 
done

  through
  a
  steel-­‐cupped
  athletic
 
supporter
  and
  several
  layers
  of
  clothing.
 
This
  leads
  us
  to
  conjecture
  that
  outside
 
maneuvers
  are
  mostly
  for
  titillation
  and
 


12

 


 

Hawkins
 and
 Laube,
 M.D.
 

show,
  kind
  of
  like
  a
  cock
  rooster
  fretting
 
and
  strutting
  about
  with
  his
  chest
  feathers
 
puffed
  o ut.

 
Inside
  manipulation,
  on
  the
  other
  hand,
 
is
  a
  more
  intimate
  act
  carried
  out
  in
  the
 
virtual
  privacy
  of
  your
  pants.
  Your
  options
 
for
  an
  inside
  maneuver

  are
  to
  go
  over
  the
 
top,
 up
 the
 leg
 (works
 okay
 with
 shorts),
 or,
 
if
  discretion
  is
  called
  for,
  through
  the
 
pocket
  (also
  called
  pocket
  pool).
  Playing

 
good
  pocket
  pool
  is
  an
  art
  in
  and
  of
  itself.
 
How
  well
  you
  play
  depends
  on
  how
  tight
 
your
  pants
  are,
  the
  size
  and
  design
  of
  your

 
pockets,
  the
  thickness
  of
  the
  material,
  and
 
whether
  or
  not
  you
  are
  lucky
  enough
  to
 
have
  a
  h ole
  i n
  o ne
  o r
  b oth
  t he
  p ockets.
 
This
  brings

  us
  to
  Italy.
  Apparently,
 
grabbing
  your
  crotch
  has
  been
  outlawed
 
there.
  Italy’s
  Court
  of
  Appeal
  has
  issued
  a
 
"hands-­‐off"
 ruling
 which
 threatens
 to
 arrest
 
and
  fine

  hapless
  male
  citizens
  caught
 doing
 
a
  crotch
  grab
  for
  any
  reason.
  The
  courts
 
have
  spoken,
  saying,
  “The
  touching
  of
 
genitalia
  in
  public
  is
  a
  sign
  of
  ill

  manners
 
and
  must
  be
  considered
  against
  public
 
decency.”
 This
 turn
 of
 events
 is
 all
 the
 more