jokes

Secret
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."
Check Out
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than
that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let
the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
Shipwreck
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!?
We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food
and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My
pastor will find me!"
Dentist Visit
When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey, and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles, and mask.
About ten minutes into the procedure, Kelsey got scared and cried, "I want my mommy!"
I quickly pulled off my mask and said, "I AM your mommy."
Without hesitation, my daughter yelled back, "Then I want my granny!"
JOE & BOB
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd
started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His
wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and
twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and

New Office
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the
door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the
phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for
your good wishes, sir."
"Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Divorce
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she
shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs
up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell
them for Christmas?"
Tired Dog OK
One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging laundry when a tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman
could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed
her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.
The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several
weeks. Curious, the woman finally pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have six children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."
Piano
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the

piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"
Faith
A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and
started to fall.
In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the
canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.
Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer.
Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there? "
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who said that?"
"It's the Lord."
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help. Have faith in me."
"Help me!"
"Just let go."
Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Have faith in me. Let go. I will catch you."
"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"
People
A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people.
Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. "Now, what does it mean to
you?"
After a moment of silence, a student raised his hand.
"Yes, David," the teacher said, "what does it mean?"
David replied,"It means that the Jews had to suffer without Chinese food for 1,067 years."
Hate War

The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to
war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
"Johnny?" the teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate History!"
Mom Knows
Tony man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try
and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"
His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her.
New Wing
DOCTORS WERE TOLD TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONSTRUCTION OF A NEW HOSPITAL WING AT THE HOSPITAL.
WHAT WAS THEIR REACTION?
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstreticians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
Proper Dress Codes
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper
dress codes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company
Patience!
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help
and she could see why.
With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She
managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on
his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ."
Paid In Full
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor

and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I
die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears
and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a
new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in
that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat
was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles
away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a
perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."
The Shoe
One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although
nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie
when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window
to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you
seen my other shoe?"
Dodging Cars
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads
straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at
him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window.
The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
Fly Story
A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over
and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.
One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in
the bag and went on. But he missed a piece of bologna. The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry.
So he flew down and started eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the
sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the
children. There was still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did
look good.
Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But
alas he was too full to fly and he went splat!!, killing him instantly.
The moral of the story: Don't fly off the handle when you are full of baloney
Big Steak
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to
head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for
their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG,
juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of
this?"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."
Getting into Heaven
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into
Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into

Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into
Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
Haircut
A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $60, she
was shocked.
"I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!"
The groomer replied,
"But you don't bite, do you?!"
Painless Birth
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to
10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor
then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Mugger
Late one night in the Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and
stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
Testing
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a com- puter company. They both had the same qualifications. In
order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and
said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"But why? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the re- jected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the manager. "Your
fellow applicant put down for question #5, 'I don't know the answer.' And you put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Control
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in
every game."
"When is that?" asked the kid.
"Right after the National Anthem."
Friendly Pig
Friendly Pig A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's
home for something to drink.
The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.
There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using"
Car Pool
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-
pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.