IT training the picture TruePDF 01 april 2019

THE HOME OF

WA

QLD

NSW

HOME GIRLS

NSW

SA

VIC

#1478
APR 1, 2019
$5.95 NZ $6.45

100% AUSSIE

BEST
10 pages of smokin’
cracks

RACK

BY P
DEMOPULA

AND R
!
AL

ICE

Iss this Oz’s best arse?

JOKES

PRIZES

BABES

CLOTHES



Mega Agency

FRONT
THIS WEEK...

NOT A
I’M
JEALOUS!

Jules Leisl
very toey
HEN you think about it, it kinda makes

nse to advertise a brand of trendy
bottled water with the most in-your-face
CAMEL TOE we’ve ever seen.
C
Camel… watter… yeah, well, there’s a connection
there SOMEWHERE, so we reckon some
advertising exec with a pony tail and a
raging coke habit was paid about a zillion
bucks to think it up.
But where to find the perfect camel toe to illustrate
the concept on California’s famous Malibu Beach?
Look no further than spunky 25-year-old LA model
Jules Liesl, self-proclaimed queen of the side-boob
and owner of the finest camel-toe this side of the
Arabian Desert.
Mm-mm. Makes us thirsty just lookin’ at it. Just not
for water, but.
Now if only Jules and her ‘toe would make the move
to BEER commercials.

REGULƒRS

8 WOBBLY WORLD 10 NEWS FLASH! 24 YOU’RE JOKING 26 READERS’ WORLD
28 SICK PICS 30 SOOK 33 PIN-UP 40 SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
42 CHEEKYCROSS 44 MOVIECROSS 48 FUCK YARNS 50 INTERNUTTERS
51 HOME GIRLS 68 HOME GIRL OF THE WEEK 70 GO FACT YOURSELF

STOP FUCKEN PRESS!

STOP FUCKEN PRESS!

CONTƒCT US

WRITE TO The Picture, PO Box 4088,
Sydney, NSW 2000
EMAIL
CALL (02) 9288 9686
facebook.com/picturemagazine

STOP FUCKEN



IN

ALICE
GOODWIN
AND HER
MAGICAL
GAZONGAS
HAT would yo
ou do if
you were blessed with
a magic pair of double
F-cup funbag
gs like
these, all for your very own
n?
now, so you could PL
Y’kn

LAY with
and tweak their little
them a
e brown
NUBBINS whenever you lik
ked?
Probably the same as US – never
leave tthe sanctuary of yourr
om, just stay in there
bedroo
e and
K and PLAY all day lo
TWEAK
ong.
Well, that’s SORT OF wh
hat
my topless model Alicce
Pomm
win does these days.
Goodw
She webcams from her home
in London, giving her eager fans
great, steaming eyefuls of her
ar-powered norks, all for
nuclea
Y REASONABLE fee.
a VERY

E
BBIT H L !

Sure, occasionally she bungs on
some trackies and a flanno to go
down the shops and buy some
CANS and her air-freight copy of
THE PICTURE.
Now and then she even chucks
on a nice FROCK to go on the razz
around town with her hubby, the
USELESS pommy footballer
Jermaine Pennant.
Then of course there’s the odd
modelling assignment in some
exciting FOREIGN joint, like Dubai,
or Bournemouth.
But mostly she’s just laying
around in the sack, tweaking a
RAMPANT nip here, rubbing a
sleak, tanned inner thigh there,
and moaning like a Labrador with
a tummy ache, while the world
watches on and plugs in its credit
card number.
Hey – it’s a living! Keep up the
good work, Alice!


EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT TIT!

E

MENORCA!
This bunch of hot models
packed badly for their group
holiday to the Spanish island
– one T-shirt, one pair of
jeans, three pairs of shoes.
Oh well. They managed.

MARGARET RIVER!
Jessica Albanka is a nudie
model from Hungary, so
she probably doesn’t realise
she’s in imminent danger
of getting MUNCHED by a
shark. Look out, Jessica!

STOP FUCKEN PRESS!

BARCELONA!
Sexy Latvian Dominika Jule
knows how to win a table
tennis tourny - want until
game point in the final and
flash the full box and dice.
Game over, man!

STOP FUCKEN PRESS!

STOP FUCKEN PRESS!


PRAGUE!
Obviously Sofi hasn’t heard
about the problems of
sitting bare-arsed on a
cane chair. No worries,
but – there’ll be plenty of
volunteers to smooth it out.

F
FRANKFURT!
Not having a pool, when it
gets hot in Germany, Ediny
Anata has to resort to
hosing herself down in the
backyard. And don’t the
neighbours fucken love it!

SAN FRANCISCO!
Seppo porn star Ariana
Aimes knows she can get a
substantial discount at the
local health food store by
flashing a tit. That’s worth
a bag of nuts any day.

STOP FUCKEN PRESS!

STOP FUCKEN PRESS!

STOP FUCKEN PRESS!


S SHIT REALLY HAPPENED!

ARSE-ALIKES

Look at his
eyes, man!

S

EPPO twins Miriam and
Michelle Carolus go to
incredible lengths to
maintain matching arses.
Calling themselves the Double
Dose Twins, the Instagram stars

keep identical diets and exercise
routines to ensure their 101cm
butts don’t vary a centimetre from
each other. The 31-year-olds do up
to 2000 squats a day to keep their
bums in shape.

POLLY WANTS A FIX

W

ILD parrots in India have turned into RAGING
DRUG ADDICTS, raiding poppy plantations to
get their fixes of RAW OPIUM. The parrots even
know to wait until the farmers – who grow the crops to
provide the raw material for medicines such as codeine
and morphine – cut the poppy pods to help them ripen,
thus revealing the goodies inside. The birds get as high as
fucking kites feasting on the seeds, some even breaking
off pods and flying away with them, probably to SWAP
with their JUNKIE BIRD MATES for stolen iPhones.

OK, WHO’S
GUNNA GET
ME A BEER?

TITPUCKED!
PLAYING
WITH DOLLS

A

E

FTER two divorces, retired pommy nurse Dean
Bevan has given up on LIVE SHEILAS and now shares
his home with 12 top-of-the-range sex dolls. He paid
up to $2600 for each of his silicon play pals, and buys them
clothes, does their make-up and takes hundreds of snaps

of them. He even takes them for DRIVES IN THE
COUNTRYSIDE. “I’ve given them names and in my mind
they have personalities. Some people might think it’s
creepy but I’m happy and not hurting anyone,” says the
58-year-old father of two from Ipswich, England.

STOP FUCKEN PRESS!

Mia’s tit’d
make a
great goalie!

X-PORN star turned
sports podcaster Mia
Khalifa had one of her
E-cup bolt-ons repaired after
it was hit by an ice-hockey
puck. Mia was at a game
between the Washington
Capitals and the Tampa Bay
Lightning the when the rockhard rubber disk smashed
into her rack at 130kph,
rupturing her left nork. “It
caught me so off guard I had
no idea it was coming,” she
wailed. An LA plazzo surgeon
fixed the damage using some
of Mia’s own body fat.

STOP FUCKEN PRESS!

STOP FUCKEN PRESS!


Mega Agency

BARE BRITS!

STOP
S
TOP FUCKEN
FUCKEN PRESS
PRESS

Y

A GOTTA hand it to the Poms, they’ll do anything to set a naked
record, in spite of the shitty cold weather. This time 195 brave
Brits set a world record for nude rollercoaster riding on a chilly
10 degree celsius night at Blackpool Pleasure Beach, a somewhat
optimistically named “fun” park in the north-west of England. They
rode bare-bummed on the splintery seats of the Grand National
rollercoaster, smashing the previous record of 102, set in 2010.

INDIAN WEREWOLF
IN... ERM... INDIA

H

AVE a bit of sympathy for teenager Lalit

Patidar, from Ratlam in the Indian state of
Madhya Pradesh. Not only is the 13-year-old
having to cope with his voice breaking and getting
school bus stiffies, he’s almost totally covered with
HAIR. The condition is called Hypertrichosis, more
commonly known as Werewolf Syndrome.But the
kid is getting on with life like a fucken champion.
“Sometimes I wish I was like other children, but I
cannot do much about it,” he says. “I have got used
to the way I am, and I am usually comfortable with
myself.” He’s doing good at school, and when he
grows up he wants to be a cop.

BAGS NOT
CLEANING
THE SEATS

WE DREW A 33
COCK ON IT 9

GOD SAVE ‘EM!
STOP FUCKEN PRESS!

STOP FUCKEN PRE

!


IT

E

This golf hole will get you seriously teed off

I

F YOU’RE one of those
golfers who has a tendency
to chuck a tanty and throw
clubs around when your
game goes to shit, this definitely
isn’t the hole for.
This par three at the Legend
Golf Resort in South Africa
requires you to bash the pill off a
tee 400 metres up the side of a
mountain onto a green shaped

12

like the continent of Africa waaay
down below.
In fact it’s so far down and it
takes the ball so fucken long to
get there, the course employs
spotters to keep track of your
shot because you’re sure as hell
not gunna be able to see where it
goes. Especially if you’re PISSED.
Just getting to and from the tee

requires a helicopter, and there’s

always the chance of being
EATEN by a FUCKEN LION if you
have to play out of the rough.
Forget about making par – just
surviving is the aim here.
We just hope the other holes on
the course are MORE NORMAL –
you know, like the one with the
little windmill, and that one
where you bash it into the
CLOWN’S MOUTH.


I THINK I’M
GUNNA NEED
A BIGGER
CLUB

361 ME

Straig
h
the ho t in
le
piece –
of
piss!

TRES


CLASS
ARSE!
a superior posterior

Karl Clifford

E’VE seen an arse
or two in our time
here at THE
PICTURE, from
celebrity backsides to porn star
ou might say we know
pillows. Yo
our bums.
hout a doubt the
But with
derriere off Sydney escort Sienna
Jackson iss in a class of its own.
Strong, yet supple. Firm, yet
soft. Ladylike, yet pert and
playful.
Yep, it’s a cracker alright. No
any of those who have
wonder ma
had the good fortune to gaze upon
n have come away firm
i in person

it
believers in a Greater Power.
“I get all kinds of compliments
22-year-old
on it,” its modest
m
owner says.
“I often get told my arse and
my eyes arre my best features.
Men are allways requesting I ride
them backwards – and I love
doing it!”

14

Of course, it takes more than
a sensational bum to make it in
Sienna’s world. There’s also a
need for enthusiasm for the JOB
AT HAND, and she’s sure got that.
“I’ve always been a bit of
nympho and I love sex, so this job
is perfect for me,” she reckons.
“The best part of my job is
meeting and connecting with
different types of people every
day.”
So how does someone return
the favour and give Sienna what
SHE needs?

“My favourite way to have sex
is in a bathroom with a lot of
mirrors, so I can see everything
and my moans echo.
“And the best way to get me off
is when I see I’m pleasuring the
other person. I love when a guy is
loud and shows how much I’m
pleasing him.”
Well, there shouldn’t be any
problem there!


S NN
REACIE
A CAN
H
E
THE F D THROUBE
OL
GH
sienn
ajacks LOWI N
on69@
G:
sienn
out
a

jackso

nxo
sienn
ajacks
onx2

look.c
om


KIM KƒRDƒSHIƒN

CELEB
Y

A CAN’T beat a good
arse. (Well, actually,
you CAN, but only if you
ask nicely first and
she’s into it.)
But getting to the point – just
as in the past a righteous rack
was the passport to stardom,
these days a bootylicious

backside is the essential element
for a female celebrity.
Yeah, TITS ARE OUT (but not in
a good way), and arses are in.
And looking at these fine
examples of STAR BUTTOCKS,

we can live with that.
We’d happily eat our DIN-DINS
off any one of ’em.

IGGY ƒZƒLEƒ

KYLIE MINOGUE
: this
Beweare es!
arse bit
Wrap it in
leather,
we’re takin’
it home!

N
O
S
S
N
ƒ
H
O
J
T
T
E
SCƒRL

B ITHREE LETTER
WORD... FIRST
LETTER ‘A’...

WHO’S A
CHEEKY
GIRL!

BEYONCE

SOfiƒ VERGƒRƒ
NICKI MINƒJ

MƒRGOT ROBBIE
17


P
O
T
BO

!
S
M
TTO

ALEXIS
“I’ve had this ass my entire life. I
just kind of tweaked it to make the

boys go crazy. All the boys enjoy
my big booty.” That we do, Alexi
xis
Texas, mega-arsed goddess!

t
r
o
p
x
e
1
1 e rumps
grad


Elegant Angel, Digital Desire, Digital Playground, HardX

s

ABELL

XXXX

“As an adolescent I startted to
embrace what made me unique,
like my butt. I realized it was a
good thing to be different.” Abella
Danger, we love youse!

19


TO

JESSIE

BOT

The Brazilian beauty made many
arse-centric films in her five year
porn career, but none more
truthfully titled that 2012’s Jessie
Rogers Has The Best Ass.

MIA
“I watch my own scenes – and I
masturbate to them, too. Is that
weird?” Yes, Mia Malkova, it is.
But we don’t mind a bit of weird.


OP

!
S
M
TTO
BRIELLA
Briella Bounce’s arse is over

106cms around the equator, so if
you wanna go all the way round,
take a packed lunch.

JAYDEN
If you wanna know anything about
the care and maintenance of a top
class porn arse, just ask Jayden
James. She polishes her’s daily.


P
TO

M
O
T
BOT

GRACIE
& JYNX
Gracie Glam and Jynx Maze risk
tearing apart the very fabric of time
and space by bringing their arses
this close together. Quick –
teleport now!


P

S!
RILEY
Blonde bombshell Riley Steele
had a role in the non-porn flick
Piranha 3D. Those crazy little fish
were queueing up to take a bite
out of her delectable arse!

JADA
Jada starred in the epic Jada
Stevens is Buttwoman in 2012. “It
was fucking awesome! “ she says.
“It was one of my biggest
accomplishments.” Yay for Jada!

CHRIST
Christy Mack has tatts nearly all
over her body – but not on her
beaut butt. That would be lik
ke
graffiti-ing the Taj Mahal.


YOU’RE JOKING
100% POLITICALLY INCORRECT!

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN
A GIRL THROWS A TANTY
DURING HER PERIOD?
A. AN OVARY-ACTION.

KOALA, COOLUMBOOKA, NSW

AN ELEPHANT and a naked man were
standing next to each other. The
elephant says “It’s cute, but can you pick
up peanuts with it?”
F.O., MITCHELL, NT

DID you hear about that baby boy that was
born with no eyelids? The doctors actually used
his foreskin from circumcision to construct his
eyelids. He’s OK, just a little cock-eyed.
V.N., NORTH ROCKHAMPTON, QLD

LOSING my virginity was a lot like my
first baseball game, very mediocre but
at least my dad came.
JAY, ELSMORE, NSW

FRANK the mortician’s job was to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be
buried or cremated. As he examined the body
of Mr. Jones, who was about to be cremated, he
made an amazing discovery. Mr. Jones had the
longest private part he had ever seen.
“I’m sorry Mr. Jones,” said Frank. “but I
can’t send you off to be cremated with a
tremendously huge private part like this. It has
to be saved for posterity.”
With that, the mortician used his tools to

remove the dead man’s schlong. He stuffed his
prize into a briefcase and took it home. The
first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you
won’t believe,” he said, and opened up his
briefcase.
“Oh my God!” she screamed. “Jones is
dead!”
FAHAD, SYDNEY, NSW

“If anything hhappens to me, I want you to
meet someone new,” ‘anythi ’ doesn’
include her gettting stuck in traffic.
PIG GUTS, CAL
LGOA, QLD

JOKE OF THE WEEK

WINS

$100

TWO marble statues, one of a man and
one of a woman, are in a park facing
each other. An angel comes down and
says, “I’ve been watching you for years
and I’ve seen the desire in your hearts.
I’m going to make you fully human for
20 minutes so you can at long last fulfil
that desire.”

The statues look at each other, run
behind some bushes and go at it. Ten
minutes later they come back with big
grins on their faces and the angel says,
“You still have another 10 minutes.”
The woman statue gives a big smile
and says, “Really? Yaaaay, let’s do it
again! But this time you hold the
pigeon and I get to shit on it.”
FRED, GUNDAGAI, NSW

MY BOSS fired me for making too many
Asian jokes. It was the end of my Korea.
N.D., CASTLEREAGH, NSW

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A
MEXICAN WITH A RUBBER TOE?
A. ROBERTO.
P.N., CALJIE, WA

APPARENTLY if your girlfriend or wife says,

AS I approach
hed the teller in the bank
yesterday, s asked me if I wouldn’t
mind removi g my motorcycle helmet.
“Not blood likely,” I said. “Next
you’ll be aski me to drop this saw
off shotgun.”
LEN, BARRAPORT

T, VIC

Q. WHY COU
ULDN’T THE MAN
JOIN HIS FRIENDS AT THE
NUDIST CA P?
A. HE HAD S METHING ON
P.D., MOOROOBO L,

MY WIFE has receently decided
to try her hand at coo ng a
today handed me onne of her
freshly baked doub chocolate cookies.
y
“Now be brutally
honest,” she smiled.
m.”
“I’m open to criticism
I said, “They’re
quite nice, you fat
cunt.”
CANS, TABOR, VIC

TWO nuns are
driving down a
small English
country lane, when
nto
a vampire jumps on
their car.

The first nun, in a state
of shock, says to the other
“Quick, show him your
cross!”
The second nun r lies
with “OI, GET OFF M CAR
YOU FUCKING CUNT
S.P., ALICE SPRINGS, NT

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

WRAP IT IN BACON.”
SEPPO COMIC JIM GAFFIGAN