Dr. Joe’s Freedom From Anger - By Joseph W. James, Ph.D.

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Dr. Joe’s Freedom From Anger
By
Joseph W. James, Ph.D.
















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Dr. Joe’s Freedom From Anger

Table of Contents


Lesson 1: What is Anger? p. 3
Lesson 2: What‘s Your Anger Personality? p. 16
Lesson 3: This is Your Brain on Anger p. 23
Lesson 4: Calming the Emotional Brain p. 33
Lesson 5: Reprogramming the Emotional Brain p. 48
Lesson 6: Understanding Your Triggers p. 50
Lesson 7: Stinking Thinking p. 56
Lesson 8: Secrets of Effective Communication p. 74
Lesson 9: How to Criticize Others in an Effective Way p. 88
Lesson 10: How to Respond Assertively to Criticism p. 95
Lesson 11: How to Respond to Difficult People p. 104
Lesson 12: To Forgive or To Not Forgive: That is The Question p. 120




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Lesson One
Introduction: What is Anger: Understanding How and Why You
Express It
“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems - not people, to focus your
energies on answers – not excuses”
 William Arthur Ward
Objectives
 Understand that anger is not really an emotion – it‘s a protective
response to a perceived hurt or threat

 The goal of ―anger management‖ is to learn how to express your
feelings in a way that will leave you feeling heard and empowered
instead of being seen as the problem
 Learn the difference between expressing anger in aggressive,
passive aggressive and rageful ways
 Understand the Anger Myths and which ones you may be using as
excuses for your behavior
 Fully understand what anger is costing you in terms of your health,
self-esteem, marriage, friendships and at the workplace.
 Understand the ―Four Horsemen of Anger‖ and why its important to
address all four aspects of this model in order for you to fully control
your anger

Congratulations for making the decision to enroll in this class! As someone
who has struggled with an anger problem I personally understand the
damage it can do to your life; what its like to feel like you have a valid point
to make, to feel like someone has really done you wrong and that you are
in the right only to somehow or another end up expressing it looking like
your problem. This only leaves you feeling more wronged, more hurt and
more, ….well, angry.

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Because of this, I‘ve spent close to twenty years learning everything I could
about anger. In working on myself and with thousands of clients I have
tested and retested countless methods. Many of these methods did not
work and were thrown out. What you have before you between this text, the
workbook, the special reports, the online videos and the ―Retrain Your
Brain‖ DVD are what I believe to be the most cutting edge and

comprehensive tools available to learn to deal with anger in a more
productive fashion.
You will learn how to deal with thing in a way that will leave you feeling
heard, understood and in charge. Imagine – no more walking around
holding simmering grudges, no more feeling as people look at you like
there is something wrong with you. Won‘t that be great?
My End of the Bargain
Most anger courses don‘t work and there are two reasons for this. One is
because of the course itself. Most workbooks I have seen or courses I‘ve
attended tend to approach the problem from only one angle – you‘ve heard
of them – you need to count to ten, you need to take a step back and think
about things, you should try to see things from the other person‘s point of
view.
These are all very important skills and in fact you will see that I incorporate
some of them in this course. The problem is that they are only one angle of
the problem. What separates this course from others you may have taken
is that we are going to cover anger from four very broad angles – what I call
the ―Four Horsemen of Anger‖

Four Horsemen of Anger.

1) Biology. There are parts of our brain whose job is to determine if a
situation is dangerous or threatening. Many people who struggle with anger
have an overly sensitive "threat filter" which puts them on high alert before
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they have had a chance to really think a situation through. We‘ll talk about
how your brain works in Lesson Three: ―This is Your Brain and This is Your
Brain on Anger‖ and I will show you some very specific and simple ways to
calm yourself within minutes in Lessons 4 and 5: ―Calming the Emotional

Brain‖ and ―Changing the Way the Emotional Brain Automatically
Responds‖

2) Triggers. Why is it that something that is very upsetting to one person
but not another? Oftentimes it is related to our history. Through experience,
each of us has learned to perceive certain situations as threatening or
triggering. Since we have all had different experiences we each see
different things as upsetting. We‘ll talk about how this works in Lesson 6
―Understanding Your Triggers: Patterns and Illusions of Control‖.

3) Shortcuts. Did you know that much of the time we use mental shortcuts
to figure out what is going on around us? Usually, these shortcuts are very
efficient ways of dealing with life. After all, if we really thought in depth
about everything going on around us our brains would very quickly become
overwhelmed. The problem with mental shortcuts in those with anger
issues is that they lead you to either misperceive a situation or they give
you tunnel vision and limit your ability to think through all your options.

In Lesson 6: Stinking Thinking: How our Thinking Brain Adds fuel to the
Fire and How to Better Manage It‖ I‘ll show how to become aware of what
your mental shortcuts are, how to be tuned into them in everyday life and
how to become aware of them and change the way you are thinking about
a situation before you end up in trouble.

4) Behavior. Insight and self management skills are important, but only half
the battle. The final piece of the puzzle is dealing with other people. How
do you talk to a difficult person in a non-confrontational way? How do you
ask someone to change an annoying behavior without provoking a fight?
How do you gracefully exit a tense situation? How to you offer and respond
to criticism?

We‘ll cover all this and more in Lessons 8 – 12 Secrets of Effective
Communication ; How to Offer Criticism in a Positive and Powerful Fashion,
How to Respond Assertively to Criticism, ―How to Deal with People You
Can‘t Stand‖ and finally, ―Forgiveness is not a Four Letter Word‖.

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Your End of the Bargain

As I said earlier, there are two reasons that most people do not
successfully complete anger management courses. The first had to do with
the comprehensiveness of the course, and as you can see, we cover all the
bases. The second reason is you. Change, real lasting change, requires
effort. If you go to any gym in the middle of January it will be so packed that
you will be lucky to find an available treadmill. Go back to that same gym in
the middle of March and it will be half empty.

I‘ve seen the same thing happen with anger management. Most people
approach a course like this like gangbusters – ―I‘m gonna lick this thing
once and for all‖ and then they go all out for five or six weeks.
I can‘t tell you how many times I‘ve heard people about a month into the
program say to me ―Doc, I really think I‘ve got this thing l beat – I haven‘t
gotten pissed off in weeks‖. That‘s usually my first sign that a big blowout is
just around the corner. Its just human nature – just like the gym, quitting
smoking or going on a diet, we all get excited , we are all super aware and
super diligent about our behavior and things seem to come so easily. But
enthusiasm can only carry most of us so far and then reality starts to creep
back in.

The sad part is that when people have a bad day, be it skipping a workout
or two, having a couple of cigarettes or getting angry they take that as a
sign of defeat – that they just can‘t overcome their problem. Pardon my
technical jargon, but HORSEHOCKEY!!

All of these things, anger in particular, are habits that you have had for
years and years. Its very rare that someone is able to stop a habit like
flicking a switch. It was a gradual process that took years for you to develop
the anger habit and its going to be a gradual process for you to completely
overcome.

It takes the average person something like 7 real tries to quit smoking for it
to actually stick. You wouldn‘t read a book on skiing and expect to go out
the next day and ski down a black diamond slope perfectly would you? No,
you‘d take some lessons, go out on the bunny slope and fall down a lot. But
you would get back up and keep trying because you knew if you just kept
trying you would eventually get to be pretty good.

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Anger is no different. I can almost guarantee that you can you that you can
read this book, watch all the videos, complete all the exercises in the
workbook and you are still going to get mad.
The trick is to use these as learning experiences. When you do lose your
cool review the material we are going to cover in this course, ask yourself
where things went wrong and what you can do differently in the future.
That‘s how you learn. Practice, practice, practice!

Ok, lets talk about anger!!
One thing that you will hear me say over and over again is that anger is

technically not an emotion; rather it is a protective response to a
perceived fear or threat. Let me say that again: anger is not really an
emotion; it’s a protective response to a perceived hurt or threat.
Think about it, have you ever gotten mad about something that on some
level did not feel threatening to you? Someone cuts you off, someone tells
you to do something you don't want to do, a loved one says or does
something that feels controlling or just plain mean. All of these situations
can be experienced as threatening. And when threatened, our instinct is to
protect ourselves or something very bad could happen to us. That‘s where
anger and aggressiveness come in.

When we think of anger we typically think of the actions we see on the
surface – for example, your body tenses, you might yell, throw things or
become violent. However, this is actually more of a definition of aggression
than anger. Anger and aggression are not the same thing. You can be
angry without being aggressive. Looking back on your own experiences
you will no doubt find times where you became angry and dealt with it in a
non-aggressive way (e.g. resisting the urge to hit your boss because you
would lose your job).
Anger is an emotion that is normal to all of us. Usually, its a warning signal
that something is wrong. Use that signal the right way and it can be your
friend. Use it the wrong way and…well you end up taking my course.

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Its good to release anger. It takes an enormous amount of energy to hold
anger inside and it could eventually lead to high blood pressure, diabetes,
gastric reflux, heart disease, cander and a whole bunch of other things you
probably don‘t want to have.
Believe it or not, if you use anger the right way, you may find that you have

happier and healthier relationships. Positive use of anger can also build
self-esteem. If you are able to tell someone your feelings instead of
keeping them inside (notice – I said ―tell‖ not ―yell‖), you are saying to them
and to yourself, ―I am a valuable person and I expect to be treated as
such.‖

An example of a positive expression of anger might be that You have a
friend that is constantly late. This is very upsetting to you, but you do
saying anything? If you don’t one of two things will probably happen. You
will either stuff and stuff and stuff until you blow up at her or you will start to
get passive aggressive and begin to make excuses to avoid her. Either way
you may lose a friend.

On the other hand, If you are able to tell your friend that being late is
difficult for you and makes you feel unimportant, she may actually listen,
apologize, and begin to arrive on time. You may actually end up closer than
you were to start with.

Now its true that she may also may get angry at you or ignore you, but we
will talk about how to deal with that later in the course. Right now I just want
you to remember that anger is a warning sign that something is wrong and
that there are other ways to deal with it besides acting out.


The problem for most people taking this course is that your habit (and its
really important to think of anger as a habit because that‘s all it really is) is
to drive right off the cliff into the aggression land. Technically, this course
should probably be called something like ―Aggression Management‖ or
―How to Express your Anger in an Assertive Fashion‖ rather than Anger
Management.

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Your goal is not to make anger go away. Rather your goal here is to learn
to deal with anger in different ways; ways that will leave you empowered
instead of with the temporary illusion of power that aggression may give
you.

The choice of how you react to people or situations lies within you
(remember my earlier example about staying cool with your boss). If your
anger truly was effective people or situations would change and we
wouldn‘t keep getting pissed off at them. You can‘t control other people, the
only thing that you can control is how you deal with and express your
anger.

The Difference between Anger and Aggression
Now these things may seem obvious to you, but lets take a second and
look at what I mean when I am talking about aggressive behavior.
 Deliberate intent to harm, attack, injure, hurt or control
 Actions that harm or hurt others (e.g. hitting, shoving, punching, using
words to belittle) or oneself (e.g. punching the wall, destroying
something important to you).
 Starting fights or arguments
 Being pushy
 Bullying
 Dangerous driving (aka road rage)
 Making threats
 Making insults

The first three horsemen of anger – biology, triggers and stinking thinking
are the inward drivers of aggression and the fourth horsemen, behavior is
the outward expression of it so that is why the course is built around those
factors.

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Passive Aggressiveness
The exact opposite of a person who expresses their anger aggressively is
the Passive Aggressive. There is no doubt when someone who is being
aggressive fashion is angry. People who use passive aggression are
masters at expressing their anger or need for control in ways that, while
infuriating, make it impossible for you to confront them in a healthy or
direct fashion. They always have a seemingly innocent alibi which allows
them to protest their innocence.
Passive Aggression is a defense mechanism used to protect a very fragile
sense of self. The paradox of someone with this disorder is that they want
to be loved, but because their sense of self is so fragile they have a fear of
losing themselves in an intimate relationship. They often times grew up in a
very rigid and controlling household in which expressing their true selves
was discouraged and they learned the only way to express their feelings
was through indirect means.
Cathy Meyer of About.com has identified 10 traits of the Passive
Aggressive
 Ambiguity: Actions speak louder than words when it comes to
the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They
rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge
of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act.
Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of
stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

 Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by
forgetting. How convenient is that? There is no easier way to
punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday
or, better yet, an anniversary.
 Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you
aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the
traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience
store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around
him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those
faults.
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 Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are
some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside
anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a
child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life
stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to
you in an under-handed way.
 Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With
The Passive Aggressive Man. Unsure of his autonomy and afraid
of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying
to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you,
but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships
can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he
denies his need for your support.
 Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust.
Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming
intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have
sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel
themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by

withholding sex.
 Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive
aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even
never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way.
He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them
but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very
confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but
never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking
too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.
 Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated
unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they
take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault
that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your
unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow
clerk at the convenience store.
 Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that
deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own
time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently
from them.

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Confronting a person who uses passive aggression as a defense often can
be even more infuriating as they will often offer respond by saying that you
are overly sensitive. Passive aggressives often complain that they are
being held to unreasonable standards. They will avoid responsibility for any
problems in a relationship. If forced to deal with problems in the
relationship they are likely to withdraw from you.
Anger Myths
Before we wrap up our discussion on what is anger, lets talk about some of

the myths that people sometimes have about anger. In my experience,
anger is almost like an addiction in that people are very creative in finding
all sorts of rationales for their anger. At times its almost as if they are in
denial. Part of the reason for this is that they way our behavior looks on the
inside can look a whole lot different to someone on the receiving end of
things. There‘s actually a biological reason for this that we will talk about in
the next lesson.
As you know, I used to struggle with an anger problem. I was in total denial
about it, thinking that other people were too sensitive – which they
sometimes are – but that it was more their problem than mine. Then one
day I was working with a couple and all of a sudden the wife just went off
on her husband and it was just like looking at myself – she used the same
tone of voice, the same language, had the same look in her eyes and the
same body language that I used and I was absolutely shocked at how
forceful and frightening her reaction was. You would think that would be my
wakeup call but I still managed to push down my feelings.
A couple of days later I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine and I
raised my voice, not in anger, but just because of the content of the story I
was telling him. All of a sudden my dog Trixie jumped down off the chair
and ran under the bed. I realized that my yelling at home had scared her so
much that merely raising my voice caused her to run and hide.
Those two things happening so close together told me that I had a problem
and set me on the course that led me to talking with you today.
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So, with that in mind, let me quickly review some of the stories we tell
ourselves to minimize or justify our aggressive behaviors:

ANGER MYTHS
1) Venting, or taking it out on others, decreases anger. This actually
reinforces the neural networks associated with the anger response.
Becoming angry actually makes you angrier.

2) Strong anger is necessary to change situations. Angry only appears
to give us the power we want. Do you like it when others treat you with
contempt? You might get what you want in the short term, but end up
having people resent and avoid you in the long run. Nobody respects a
bully.

3) If I don’t get angry, I don’t care. It‘s the effort and the attention you
give to something that shows you care. People will hear you if you stay on
message. The only thing getting angry shows is that you can‘t control
yourself.

4) Someone who makes me mad is worthless and deserves what they
get. Everyone, including you, is flawed and sometimes agonizingly slow to
catch on, but not worthless. How do you feel when you make a mistake and
someone lets you have it? Do you feel like you deserved it?

5) Reducing anger means I think the other person isn’t wrong.
Remember, your goal is to be heard and respected. You don‘t have to go
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off to do that. Being less visibly angry means you are learning ways to deal
with others more coolly, effectively, and constructively.

6) The world is full of idiots and irritations. Yup. And, believe it or not,
sometimes you look like an idiot or irritation to others. How do you want

them to treat you? The problem is not only the world‘s imperfections and
provocations, but our chosen focus and reactions.

7) Men and women experience anger differently. Studies show that men
and women get angry for the same reasons, as often, and with the same
intensity. Behaviorally, however, men are more likely to express anger with
physical or verbal assaults. Women are more likely to cry (which is more
likely to help them get in touch with the underlying hurt).

8) Depression is anger turned inward. Depression is sadness, usually
coupled with low self-esteem. However, depressed people (especially men)
often show higher levels of anger and anxiety. Any type of mental illness
will decrease your capacity for logical thought and increase the likelihood of
anger and/or violence. Violent people are · two to three times more likely to
have an illness such as depression.

9) Anger is a pure, basic emotion. Anger doesn‘t occur alone. As I
mentioned earlier, anger is a protective response to feelings such as fear,
embarrassment, humiliation, shock, powerlessness, hurt pride, rejection, or
pain. Ask: ―What was I feeling first, before the anger?‖ This will be the first
step to dealing with your anger differently.

10) People make me mad. I can’t control my anger. Remember that you
usually control your anger when your boss corrects you or when a police
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officer gives you a ticket because you don‘t want to get fired or go to jail.
Anger, just like smoking, is a habit and a choice.

To finish this lesson, please do the exercises in the lesson book. These are

vitally important to your success in the class. You will not overcome your
anger habit if you do not use the workbook. Most lessons are designed to
take 15 minutes or less to complete, but are personalized so that they
apply to your particular situation and will teach you things that will stay with
you a lifetime.










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Lesson 2: What’s Your Anger Personality?

A Quick Review of Aggressive Communication
In a nutshell, aggressive communication involves using manipulation of
some kind to get the other person to do what you want.
Most of us have a stereotypical style of reacting to situations in which we
want something, feel threatened or feel like we are losing control.
Oftentimes we don‘t necessarily see aggressive communication as a
problem because we are either:
a) So used to the behavior that we are at best only vaguely aware that
what we are doing is manipulative or
b) We are aware of it but it has worked effectively for us in the past so it

becomes our ―go to‖ strategy when we start to feel backed into a
corner.
In either case, aggressive communication is a problem because, while we
might get our needs met in the short term, the person on the receiving end
of things is eventually going to get fed up with things and it may come to
backfire on us in the long run. Many of my clients have come to me,
sometimes in shock, only after losing a job, a spouse or a friendship
because the other person just couldn‘t deal with feeling manipulated or
controlled any longer.

What is Your Anger Personality?
Aggressive communication comes in many flavors. In my practice, I‘ve
noticed that people typically fall into one of 8 distinct styles of aggressive
communication. Lets take a brief look at each one. Look for the one that
most fits you.

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The Volcano
The Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde of anger personalities, Volcanoes are usually
pretty relaxed people until something goes awry, then watch out! They can
go from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye. Volcanoes have very low
frustration tolerances and will take out their aggravation on who or
whatever is perceived to be causing a hitch in their lives: be it co-workers,
loved ones, traffic, an elevator that is slow in arriving, you name it.
Oftentimes, when volcanoes calm down they recognize that they went
overboard and will apologize to whoever was on the receiving end of the
blast. This may work the first time or two, but people often become
alienated from volcanoes when the same thing happens over and over.
Oftentimes, volcanoes will see themselves as having an anger problem and

vow to not react that way anymore, only to do so over and over again.
Volcanoes often wish they could change, but feel themselves powerless to
do so.



The Stuffer

Stuffers internalize their anger and seethe in silence. Oftentimes they will
replay a scene over and over in their minds telling themselves what they
would do differently if given the chance. They may have a close friend or
spouse to whom they complain to, but it is extraordinarily rare that they
have an actual outward expression of anger. When they do express their
anger, it is often to the extreme, as all the pent up frustration comes
exploding out of them. Stuffers may also express their anger in a passive
aggressive fashion.


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The Displacer

Displacers are similar to Stuffers in that they don‘t show their anger
towards the person or the situation that actually caused them upset.
Instead, they find a reason to become mad at someone or something else
(usually someone to whom they don‘t feel as threatened by). For example,
a Displacer may become riled by his or her boss, but instead of expressing
it towards the boss s/he may go home and yell at the kids for some trivial
reason. Although it may be clear to those around them that they are playing
a ―mad at the wife, kick the dog‖ game, Displacers rarely make the

connection between the two incidences themselves.

The Prickly Pear

Prickly Pears are constantly crabby. They are very good at complaining
about problems, but not so good at doing anything to change their situation.
They always have a complaint about something - their job, their relationship
with their spouse, the raw deal life handed them, how easy others have had
it compared to them, your hairstyle, how you raise your kids - you name it
and the Prickly Pear will find something wrong with it. Examples of things
you may hear from a prickly pear include: "Can't you [talk, act, sneeze,
write, ...] like a normal person?" "Your [hair, clothes, makeup, jewelry,...]
makes you look [like a whore, fat, poor, stupid ...]." "You should [insert
unwanted advice here]."

Prickly Pears are oftentimes the most understood of the anger personalities
as they often suffer from clinical depression or an anxiety disorder. Pears
frequently describe themselves as uncomfortable in their own skin. They
often feel unappreciated and unloved, which is oftentimes an accurate
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assessment as their complaining makes it difficult for those around them to
have much sympathy for them.


The Prosecuting Attorney

Prosecutors are known for winning the argument, but losing the war. That‘s
because they will question and question and question any kind of point that
may differ from theirs until they find a flaw in their ―opponents‖ logic. A

Prosecutor will never give up and oftentimes simply wear their "opponent"
down until he or she gives in out of pure exhaustion. Prosecutors may insist
they are simply being logical and trying to make a rational decision, but it
can feel like anything but to be on the receiving end. They can oftentimes
be sarcastic and cutting. If a Prosecutor feels that the other has found a
hole in their argument s/he may suddenly make a personal attack on the
other.
There is nothing subtle about the approach of the Prosecutor. The attack
can be a full, frontal assault, loud and forceful, or it can have the quiet
intensity and surgical precision of a laser. And while the Prosecutor can rip
you apart personally, the irony is that it‘s oftentimes viewed as nothing
personal in their eyes. The attack is simply a means to an end result. And
to the Prosecutor, the end justifies the means. They are arbitrary and often
arrogant in tone.
Here is‘ how some of victims of Prosecutors have described the
experience: I felt confused, frightened‖ ―I couldn‘t get a word in edgewise‖.
―I lost control of myself, I could feel the veins pounding in my head and I
just wanted to shut his mouth because I was so damn furious‖


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The Intimidator
Intimidators are people whose primary way of expressing themselves when
angered is through physical or emotional abuse. Anger or aggressiveness
are viewed as effective tool in getting what they want. Intimidators often
come from abusive or conflict ridden backgrounds in which aggressiveness
was the primary way of resolving conflict.

Intimidators may not actually hit you, but they do yell, scream, throw things,
hit walls, or slam doors all in an attempt to fear to threaten and control the
person on the receiving end.
Threats are often used by the Intimidator in order to control the situation
and get what they want.
Examples of Intimidator speak when trying to regain control includes: "If
you do / don't do something, I'll [leave you, hurt you, take something away
from you, won't love you anymore]."
Intimidators often place blame on others because they aren't willing to take
responsibility for their mistakes. Other times, the abuser uses blaming as
insults, which may actually be intended to help the victim or to simply
ensure that somebody is assigned fault for a problem.
Examples of Intimidator speak when trying to deflect blame include: "You're
the one [making everybody miserable, making me angry, who screwed up,
...]." "You're the reason why [I couldn't have the life that I wanted, I never
get to have any fun, ...]." "It's your fault that [he cheated on you, she died
so young, I'm so unhappy, ...]."
The Intimidator will often ignores the needs or wants of the victim. The
Intimidator may believe that their opinions and decisions are more
important than the victim's, even when the victim is fully capable of making
their own decisions about the matter.
Examples: "I don't care if you want to [work in a different career, cut your
hair, buy the red car, ...] because you need to [do what I want you to do]
instead." "I don't want to do
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The Clam
Remember back when we were talking about the four responses the
emotional brain has to feeling threatened - fight, flight, freeze or submit?

The Clam is an example of someone whose response pattern is to freeze
or submit. Clams react to troublesome situations by closing down.
You‘ve made a statement or asked a question to a Clam and expect a
reasonable and relevant response. What you get, however, is a yep. A
nope, or maybe a grunt. Oftentimes you‘ll get nothing.
For some Clams, unresponsiveness is a noncommittal way of handling
potentially painful interpersonal situations If I admit that I broke your
favorite vase you will yell at me and I‘ll feel guilty. If I say nothing. odds are
that you will either do all the talking or go away. .
Other Clams use unresponsiveness as a form of calculated aggression
used to punish the victim. Shunning behavior includes ignoring, refusing to
speak, refusing to listen, not keeping promises, and pretending the victim
isn't even there. It is important to note that this behavior isn't done to
protect the abuser from the victim; it's done to manipulate the victim.


The Sniper
Snipers, as the name implies, seem to come out of nowhere and often
leave the recipient little room in which to respond. The Sniper hides behind
such devious techniques as rude comments, sarcastic humor, biting tones
of voice, or a roll of the eyes. Snipers can use confusion as a weapon, by
making irrelevant remarks that throw people off track and leave them
looking foolish. This is often done in a joking way to get other people to go
along with the insults and join in on the abusive behavior. A few well-
placed shots, and in time, the Sniper is the only one left standing and in
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control. When there is a grudge associated with sniping, ―Don‘t get mad,
get even!‖ becomes the Sniper‘s motto.
Snipers do not come crashing down on you. They maintain a cover which is

often thin or transparent;, from which they hide behind and take potshots
Their weapons are rocks hidden in snowballs: innuendos, not so subtle
digs and non playful teasing. The sniper has learned to use the rituals and
social constraints to create a protected place from which to strike out at
objects of anger or envy with well placed verbal missles. But the attack is
accompanied, by nonverbal signals that say ―Pretend that what I‘m doing is
nice or neutral, or that you don‘t even hear me.‖ This can leave the person
on the receiving end of an attack by a Sniper often feeling pinned down as
if there were no responses at all.
Snipers often have a very strong sense of how people should think and act.
When challenged they often dismiss the feelings of a victim to avoid taking
responsibility for their mistakes. Some examples of Sniper speak may
when challenged include: "You take everything too seriously." "I guess I
just can't joke with you." "You're too sensitive." "You're making a big deal
out of nothing." "It wasn't that bad."

Please stop here and do the exercises for lesson two in the workbook.








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Lesson Three
This is Your Brain:This is Your Brain on Anger
“I used to think the brain was the most fascinating thing in the world –

until I realized what was telling me that.”
 Emo Phillips
Objectives
 Understand that you process emotions using two parts of your brain –
your ―emotional brain‖ and your ―thinking brain‖
 Recognize that your emotional brain 1) works outside of conscious
awareness; 2) uses memories from the past to determine how to
react to a situation and 3) processes information before your thinking
brain does. This means our anger is oftentimes a reflexive response
that happens before we are even consciously aware of it.
 Learn how much our past influences the way we respond to certain
situations. This is why one person may laugh at one situation while
another person becomes enraged
 To be familiar with how the thinking brain and emotional brain work to
influence one another and why this can be both an advantage and a
disadvantage when it comes to anger.
 Understand how small stressors can add up to cause an explosive
reaction

Ok, first things first. Did you do the exercises from the first two lessons?
If not, stop right now and take 15 minutes and do them. Beating anger is
not a passive process, you will learn a lot from reading and listening to me
on the videos, but you will not be able to get full control over your anger if
you do not do the exercises.
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I know, no one likes homework, but ask yourself: ―which is worse –
continuing to act the way I have been acting or taking a few minutes out to
do the exercises?‖
Everyone who does the homework reports getting tremendous benefit out

of them and that they learned things about themselves they otherwise
would not have. So, if you haven‘t done your homework, put this book
down right now and do it!! I will be waiting right here when you return!

Do You Really Have to Understand Your Brain?
Most people want to skip over this lesson but end up saying that it was one
of the most useful in the entire course. Understanding that what is
happening in your noggin is completely normal and that your not crazy is a
pretty good feeling. Also, everything that I will show you about how to
manage your anger is based on brain science, so it will help to make sense
of why I am asking you to do certain things.
Not to worry, there are only two distinct regions of your brain that we are
going to be concerned with and you will not require any background in or
understanding of biology or anatomy in order to follow or understand the
topic.
So, on with the fun!
All of our emotions arise from the interplay between two sections of our
brains. Understanding how these two parts of your brain interact with one
another will help you to understand why the exercises in later lessons can
be so powerful in taming the tiger within.
You may already notice that I sometimes repeat myself. Sometimes it‘s the
Alzheimer‘s kicking in but usually its because I really want you to remember
something so the more I repeat it the more likely it is to stick.
So, lets start off this lesson with something you‘ve already read: anger is
technically not an emotion; rather it is a protective response to a
perceived fear or threat. In essence, it‘s a survival mechanism.
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With that in mind, lets begin by looking at the first section of the brain

involved in anger, the Limbic System.

The Emotional Brain

Buried deep in the center of your brain is an area called the limbic system
whose function is the generation of vivid emotions. Scientists can surgically
stimulate the limbic system of laboratory animals and create spontaneous
outbursts of fear and aggression. We are going to refer to this part of your
brain as the ―emotional brain‖.

Even though it is quite small, your emotional brain does has many
sophisticated functions, including having a memory of important emotional
events that have happened to you.


The Thinking Brain

The other area of your brain to be concerned with is called the cerebral
cortex, a large mass of tissue that surrounds the emotional brain and is
divided into four regions or lobes. The section we are most concerned with
are called the Frontal Lobes and are, not surprisingly, located in the front
part of your brain. We are going to call this part of your brain the ―thinking
brain‖. Your thinking brain is the part of you that is conscious, alert, and is
in contact with your daily surroundings. It is the part of your brain that
makes decisions, thinks, observes, plans, anticipates, responds, organizes
information and creates new ideas. The thinking brain is inherently logical