Tài liệu Learn to Write in English ppt

Learn to Write in English
"Words are the most powerful drug used by
mankind." - Rudyard Kipling
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Student Composition:
Three Passions I Live For
(See Teacher's Comments and Revised Composition Below.)
Looking back on my past twenty years full of passions (1) and enthusiasm,
I feel grateful and (2) to live a healthy and happy life. There are a lot of
qualities I have learnt from ordinary life that guided me through. If I am
asked to list the first three, I will put health, happiness of my family and
enough financial support (3) as the passions I live for.
Health comes first for me. Without health, everything is meaningless. It is
indispensable to everyone (4). Only when one is healthy can he start his
own career, set up his own family and achieve any accomplishment (5). I
always value health and regard it as the preliminary step (6) to possess a
happy family and earn enough money.
Happiness of my family (7) is very important to me because I love my
family wholeheartedly. I get pleasure in their joys and suffer what they
suffer. Their infinite love and support motivate me to overcome any
trouble or obstacle (8) I may meet. To make those I love happy is the
biggest wish for me. What would millions of money (9) mean to me if I
saw my family suffer from pain and agony (10)? Now that I’ve got a
healthy body, I have plenty of time and opportunities to entertain my
family. Then money comes third. (11)
Everyone must admit that they could never do without money (12). Money

enables us to get food, a house for shelter, clothes to wear and furthermore
(13) enjoyment. For example, with money, we can get a good education,
travel around the world and receive fine medical treatment. Money is
essential to satisfy our basic needs as well as further self-development.
As long as I am healthy, I’ll work hard to earn as much money as I can,
then with it I buy substances (14) or services to make (15) my family live
more comfortably. If everything goes on (16) smoothly, I’ll be absolutely
the happiest girl in the world!
Teacher Joe's Comments
(1) "Passion" is normally a non-count noun, especially in this expression,
"full of passion". In any case, the word "passion" itself is not really
appropriate considering the three ideas being expressed. Health and wealth
are mentioned as necessities which add to the writer's quality of life, but
they are not really "passions". If the writer loved to go the gym every
single day of the week and practiced yoga, weight training, along with
various other sports, then it might be called "a passion". "Wealth" is also
"a passion" for some people who really do seem to live for money. They
want all the money they can get - more, more, MORE! That's passion. This
writer doesn't live for money, however, she only uses money to help her
live a better life. For her, money is a tool, not a passion.
(2) Perhaps the word "and" was added by mistake. I think the writer
wanted to write something like "I feel grateful for the chance to have lived
a healthy and happy life". If the writer wants to keep "and", then a sentence
such as "I feel grateful and happy to have lived a healthy life". "And"
should connect two similar words or ideas.
(3) "Support" is what somebody, or some thing, gives to you. When I read
"enough financial support", I think the writer wants support from her
parents or maybe from the government. "Enough finances" or "sufficient
finances" would be better, but the writer could even use the simple
expression "enough money". It's better to use a simple word such as

"money" correctly than to use a more formal word such as "finances"
incorrectly.
(4) This sentence just repeats the same idea as the previous two sentences,
only using different words. The writer's message is "Health is important.
Health is important. Health is important." It seems the writer is just trying
to show off her knowledge of English without communicating any
message. In the revised essay below, notice how the first two sentences are
combined to show cause and effect, while the third sentence is cut out
completely.
(5) This is far too general. It's not bad grammatically but is quite boring.
The reader must wonder if the writer is capable of describing a real
achievement or not. The writer should give examples of achievements that
she has achieved or hopes to achieve.
(6) The writer seems to be emphasizing health by writing "THE
preliminary step", so "the first step" would be more clear. There might be
many "preliminary" steps, which all might be necessary, but not so
important.
(7) The first time this is mentioned, in the first paragraph, it may be okay
to write it this way. However, the second time it is used, "my family's
happiness" is much more natural. If the writer insists on using this
awkward expression again, she should at least use an article: "The
happiness of my family...".
(8) Again, the writer would show her ability to communicate in English if
she gave an example or two instead of just using the general words
"trouble" and "obstacle".
(9) "Money" is a non-count noun. We could say "millions of dollars",
"millions of pounds", or "millions of yuan". Another possibility would be
"a large amount of money".
(10) We suffer from a disease or some other bad situation. Writing "suffer
from pain and agony" is like writing "suffering from suffering and

suffering". The writer could change this to "living in pain and agony" or
"experiencing pain and agony".
(11) This is a fair attempt at a transition to the next paragraph, but it could
be better. See the revised essay for examples of smooth transitions between
paragraphs.
(12) This sentence communicates nothing and should be cut.
(13) It is not clear what the writer is trying to say by using the word
"furthermore" here. Maybe she means, "beyond these necessities", or
something similar. The word "furthermore" could also be cut with no
replacement, and the meaning would come through more clearly.
(14) "Substances" sounds like raw materials, especially chemicals or
drugs. The writer should use specific goods and services in order to
communicate her message.
(15) The word "make" sounds like the family will be forced to live more
comfortably, against their will. "Allow" is a more appropriate word.
(16) This should be simplified to "goes smoothly" to make it idiomatically
correct. It's still too vague. The writer would do even better to express
what she means by "go smoothly" by giving examples.
Teacher Joe's Revised Essay
"Keys to Happiness"
Looking back on the first twenty years of my life, lived with passion,
energy and enthusiasm, I feel grateful to have been so healthy and happy. I
owe my happiness to so many people and lucky events, but there are three
key, fundamental factors that have guided me and supported me in my life.
Those three keys to life are my physical health, healthy finances, and my
family's happiness.
Health comes first for me, because without health everthing else is
meaningless. Imagine starting a career without good health. Imagine
starting a family without good health. Imagine achieving anything without
good health. Clearly, good health is a basic, fundamental prerequisite for

every other aspect of one's life.
Good health is not enough to be happy. We still need to have money in
today's society. Money obviously pays for the basic necessities of life -
food, housing, clothing - but is also necessary for other reasons. The
amount of money we have at our disposal determines the quality of
education we can receive. Money guarantees we will always get adequate
medical treatment if the need arises. We can also use money for travel and
other entertainment that can add to our quality of life.
When we have both our health and healthy finances, we can turn our
attention to the most important factor in having a happy life. Family is the
most important factor because it provides the love, joy and support that
everybody needs. I love my family with all my heart. I get pleasure from
their pleasure. I suffer when they suffer. My family helped me get through
the tremendous pressure of entrance exams. They consoled and advised me
when I had misunderstandings with my friends. More importantly, they
were there to share in my successes throughout the past twenty years.
These three factors are all that I need and want in this world. As long as I
stay healthy, work hard to earn as much money as I can, and then use my
health and wealth to share both good times and bad times with my family,
I will always be the happiest girl in the world.
Student Composition:
Self confidence, you help me a lot
(See Corrections and Revised Composition Below.)
My friends often ask me the same question “why are you so (1) blithe all day?” I think the answer is
simple --- (2) it owns a great debt to self-confidence.
(3) When it comes to self confidence, someone will call it (4) “conceited” and I guess it is, but it really
makes me feel at ease (5) I am doing something.
I still remember my first experience of an English Competition: 3 years ago, I was (6) singled out by
my classmates to take part in a Speaking-English competition. When I went up to the stage, I had
butterflies in my stomach. All at once, my mother’s words came to me. “If you want to do something

with style, it costs nothing but self confidence.” Since I had the chance to stand here, it meant that I
had the ability. (7) “Restore to balance.” I said to myself. “Don’t you forget that you have (8) drawn
yourself in preparing this competition for a long time? You are the best.” Strangely, my nervousness
vanished after I flattered myself. I began to speak. The feeling was wonderful. All the (9) audiences
applauded after my speech. I was successful!
The self confidence helped me (10) win the success. My courage and optimism are all based on it. We
will be faced with different difficulties occasionally and unavoidably in the future. If we come to terms
with them, we are (11) bound to fail. Taking it for granted that we are capable of handling them will
(12) benefit to build up confidence and success.
My friends, why not have self confidence? We are not (13) the most excellent, but we always do out
best to achieve our aims, don’t we? Self confidence will add happiness (14) into our own lives.
Joe's Comments
The writer's sentence structure is not too bad, so the message is communicated fairly effectively.
However, the misuse of many words and expressions sounds strange and is often confusing.
(1) The word blithe is used today only in certain, limited expressions, and then mostly in written
English, not spoken English. The writer's friends will more likely say "carefree". Also, instead of "all
day", the writer's friends probably mean "every day".
(2) The expression is "owe a debt", not "own".
(3) The whole phrase is unnecessary. It would be better just to say "Some people may call self-
confidence 'conceit'".
(4) The noun form is "conceit". In addition, it seems strange to say "someone will". It's a possibility,
not a certainty, so "someone may" is better.
(5) A clause connector is missing here. Perhaps the writer meant to use "when I am doing something".
Also, "something" is too vague. The writer could improve it by changing it to "when I am trying to
accomplish something" or "when I have a difficult task to face", etc.
(6) "Be singled out" is a special expression that should be used only in special situations. It gives the
impression that something is either extremely good or extremely bad. The simple word "chosen" is
more appropriate.
(7) "Restore to balance" has no meaning in English. "Unbalanced" in English can mean "crazy", so I
don't think it's safe to write something like "become balanced". "Balance yourself", on the other hand,

sounds like a physical action. A common expression used in American English under similar
circumstances would be "Get a hold of yourself".
(8) I also can't imagine why the writer chose the expression "drawn yourself". Why not just "you have
prepared for this competition"? Some students try to add unnecessary words in order to sound
impressive, but often end up getting just the opposite result.
(9) Obviously, "audience" is a non-count noun so the "s" is not needed.
(10) I think I can understand what the writer means by "win the success". Probably the meaning is
simply "succeed", although it's also possible the writer meant "win the competition".
(11) Writing "bound to fail" was probably a mistake made while the writer was tired. The writer either
meant "we are bound to succeed" or "if we do NOT come to terms with them, we are bound to fail".
(12) "Benefit to build up confidence and success" should be changed to simply "build confidence and
lead to success".
(13) "We are not the most excellent" sounds a bit odd. Again, we cannot be certain, so "We may not"
is better. "Most excellent" should just be replaced by "best".
(14) The expression "add happiness into" is unnatural. If the writer keeps the idea of "adding
happiness", then the word "in" instead of "into" is correct. However, the whole expression could be
made better. For example, we could write "make our lives happier".
It seems the writer's self confidence is a double-edged sword. Confidence can help us do more in our
lives, but it can also lead to careless mistakes. You should be confident, but also be a bit careful. Then
you will have the best of both worlds.
Joe's Revised Essay
The Value of Self Confidence
My friends often ask me, "Joe, why are you so carefree all the time?". The answer is quite simple. I
owe my carefree attitude to self confidence. Now, some people may say that self confidence is a form
of conceit, and they may be right. However, my self confidence allows me to feel relaxed no matter
how difficult a task I face, so it is extremely valuable to me.
I remember the first time I partipated in an English competition. Three years ago, my classmates chose
me to speak in an English competition at our school. When I went onstage, I had butterflies in my
stomach. Suddenly, my mother's words came back to me: "If you want to do something, it costs
nothing but self confidence". Since I was chosen to be there, it meant I must have the ability to

succeed. "Get a hold of yourself", I said silently. "You have prepared for this competition for the past
three months. You are the best". Strangely, my nervousness vanished after I spoke to myself with such
confidence. I began to speak onstage - the feeling was wonderful. The whole audience applauded
afterwards. I was successful!
Without my self confidence, I could not have succeeded. My courage and optimism are based on this
self confidence. Various difficulties will certainly come into our lives from time to time in the future.
If we face those difficulties, if we come to terms with them, we are bound to succeed. Knowing that
we are capable of handling any difficulty will build our confidence and lead to success.
So, my friends, be confident! Even if you're not the best, it doesn't matter. Don't you always do your
best to achieve your aims? Of course you do. That's enough to give you confidence, and confidence
will make you happier.
Student Composition:
Cooperation: the spirit of temporary society
Today, many people think competition is the key to success, but such thinking is out of date. (1)
Temporary society demands (2) us cooperate with others.
(3) As we all know, the world economy is expected to continue (4) to remain prosper, but the adverse
effects of high oil price, vicious competition for strategic resources and the global pollution are on the
rise. To overcome theses problems, countries must be mindful of all their relationships and act with
integrity at all times. The fight against HIV/AIDS, poverty and terrorism requires the participation of
as many parties as possible. The ability to build strong, collaborative relationships with other countries
and areas will determine whether a nation evolves through time or is lost along the way.
Today, information and knowledge are growing to the extent that no individual can master everything.
Cooperation (5) makes us learn a lot of from each other. Only by combining the knowledge of many
individuals can power be attained. We individual will thrive on cooperative participation. Related to
the diversity that we possess, none of us is whole. We need each other to fill in our gaps. Through
cooperation we will acquire identity and friendship, which are the source of self-esteem and
satisfaction in life.