LOVING YOUR TEENAGER

Loving your Teenager (In Spite of Themselves) 1



Loving Your Teenager
(In Spite of Themselves)





Introduction



This booklet is written for those of you who didn't stop to think thirteen
years and nine months ago. Because you didn't, you are now faced with this
alien being commonly called a teenager. So what do you do to survive the
next five years? Well you could drown the little beastie but that seems rather
pointless after already investing the best years of your life in its growth. No
a much better idea is to read this booklet.

It's being written by a parent who's been there, done that and is now, thank
goodness, a grandmother.

Nobody is an expert on child rearing. If they say they are, they need a
reality check. The ideas expressed in this booklet are just one ordinary
woman's opinions. I have no degrees in child behavior but I have something
way more valuable, hindsight. This hindsight allows me to look back, see
what worked, what didn't and give you the benefit of my knowledge. The
first piece of knowledge is:

KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

This is extremely important. How you think of the teen years you're either
approaching or now into will have a definite bearing on how well you do.
No matter what anyone else has led you to believe, teenagers are a blast.
Sure babies are cuddly and cute but then they turn into the terrible twos,
threes and fours. Five through twelve has some bearable moments if you
have the patience to witness T-ball, beginning band concerts and
Loving your Teenager (In Spite of Themselves) 2
innumerable sports events. But, for pure entertainment value, the teen years
can't be beat.

Where else can you see such pathos, such drama, such comedy? And all
within one twenty-four hour period. The mood swings alone will keep you
young and vibrant just trying to keep up. Add to this, the blossoming of
reason and hey, this clump of nothing you started with is now a walking,
talking marvel. Of course this walking, talking marvel can sometimes be a
pain in the you know what so you'll need to keep your:



SENSE OF HUMOR



Especially when your little sweetheart is ranting, raving and having a _ _ _ _
fit for no reason other than you are breathing in their space. Yes, you could
deck them but then they are controlling you, not you them.

No what you should do in this situation is merely smile or even laugh. Once
they realize they're not upsetting you, they'll do one of two things. Say
"you're hopeless" and stomp off in a huff, leaving you with peace and quiet
(not a bad thing) or they'll ask you why you're smiling. You then answer, "I
was thinking how much you remind me of myself when I was your age."

This should stop them in their tracks — "Like their mother or father — oh
yuk". Just watch their behavior change. The whole point of rebelling is to
be different. With one little statement, you've taken away their motivation.
Chances are they will try to upset you again, so you'll smile your little
knowing smile and before long, they'll get the message:

You can't be their victim if you're smiling.

And if you consciously think back to your teen years, your teen is probably
no worse than you were.
Maybe just a teensy bit more spoiled but who's to blame for that? The object
here is to survive their hormonal changes while coping with your own. A
sense of humor will do that. It will lighten your load considerably. True
there is acceptable and unacceptable behavior; but, if your child is merely
Loving your Teenager (In Spite of Themselves) 3
running off at the mouth occasionally and not doing drugs or drinking,
consider yourself lucky.

A mouthy teenager is only trying to assert their independence. The same
goes for their hair and clothes. If both are clean, why should you care?
Your friends will understand, they are either sharing your dilemma or have
already gone through it. The key to understanding your teenager is:

Remembering your teenage years.


Think back and consciously remember how you felt at their age. Every
event was a big deal. You didn't care about anything except what concerned
you. Life centered around you and nothing else. Well, nothing has changed.
Your teenager's emotions are just as volatile as yours were at the same age.
Nobody goes through adolescence well.


You didn't, the guy or woman next door didn't because nobody is born with
that much confidence. Absolutely nobody. Time has a way of dimming
memory. Don't believe? Try whining to your parents about your teenager's
behavior. Don't be offended when they laugh uproariously and remind you
about all the episodes you've chosen to conveniently forget. Your parents
are not being unsympathetic or callous, they are just enjoying this moment
— paybacks are so sweet.

Listen closely to your parent's stories and if you're honest, you'll realize you
weren't the perfect child. Neither is your teenager. But don't worry your
teen's "know it all attitude" only lasts until they are eighteen or have a child
of their own,which ever comes last.


In the mean time, keep your sense of humor, it will help you over, under and
through the dreaded teenage years.

Loving your Teenager (In Spite of Themselves) 4
STEPS WHICH SOFTEN TEEN YEARS IMPACT ON YOUR
NERVOUS SYSTEM:

Volunteer


During the early teen years, before your teen gets a driver's license,
volunteer gracefully to take and pick-up your teen and their friends from
their social events. Think of yourself as a chauffeur. Quietly drive and listen
to what is being said. This means UNDER NO circumstances do you enter
the conversation unless asked.

Drive and listen quietly. Two things will happen, you'll be pleasantly
surprised at the good sense being bandied about in their conversation and it'll
give you the necessary clues of what you need to address the next time your
child seems remotely interested in what you have to say.

If you have a car pool amongst the parents of your teens friends, then
volunteer to pick-up rather than take. Sure it's more inconvenient but your
rewards are greater. After a social event, the teens in your car will be more
open about discussing what went on. If you are very quiet, they'll forget
your presence. Listen closely and remember names the teens discuss. It will
help in the next step.


MAKE A DATE
(this works best with daughters)

With all the hormonal changes going on in your teen's life, sometimes they
get "owly" for no good reason. This is the time to make a date. And say it
exactly that way, "We are going on a date". The first time you say this your
daughter will think you are a little nutsy or whacked out of your mind. So
what else is new.

Just explain that you are taking her out to dinner (if you have more than one
teen daughter, do not include the others — this is one-on-one time). Pick a
place where you are sitting in a booth or at a table with very little
background disturbance. Make sure it's a place her friends or yours don't
frequent. It has to be neutral ground to allow one-on-one relating. That's
right, this means only one parent and one teen. Your teen will never open up
Loving your Teenager (In Spite of Themselves) 5
and talk if both parents are staring her in the face. The whole idea is for
your teen to have your undivided attention for an hour and a half or longer.

The next step is the hardest, listen attentively to what your teen is saying.
Don't allow your eyes to glaze over, don't yawn and above all else, curb your
desire to preach. In fact, curb your desire to speak. This is her time to
ramble on about everything going on in her life. Only talk enough to keep
her rambling.

You'll be amazed at what you learn. This teen you thought was an "airhead"
has a very good head on her shoulders. All those lessons of right and wrong
you didn't think was sinking in over the years are actually embedded. By
your second or third date, you'll feel a lot more relaxed with your teen's
value system. Trust is being established.

A word of caution:

Do not betray this trust by speaking to anyone else
including your spouse about what you discussed on your date. This is
strictly between you and your teen.

If you listened attentively when you were car pooling and made a point of
remembering the names of your teens friends, you can insert a comment
like, "Oh yes, Stacey. Isn't she the one who collects penguins?" Your teen
will be so impressed you remembered, they'll even tell you more. Pretty
soon you'll really look forward to these "dates" and be glad your teen gets
"owly" at least twice a month.

Which they will because your teen has more pressures than you did when
you were their age. Our so called information society has seen to that. Your
teen is constantly being bombarded by media related B.S., teachers who
think they have only one subject so assign way too much homework and
you, the parent who expects them to excel. No wonder they become
frustrated.

By sitting quietly and allowing them to vent or talk about this frustration
without offering any pearls of wisdom (preaching), you become a safety
valve. Also, when a really big problem comes up in their life, they will feel
comfortable coming to you for advice.

This part is tricky. Even though your teen might be seeking advice, do not
be an enabler. In other words, don't immediately jump in and solve their