consent and its place in sm sex

Consent and its Place in SM SexAt first the sting of the whip, and the
reddening of her ass felt wonderful, but Carrie knew that the pain would
soon become unbearable, despite her stating "refrigerator," her "safe"
word. . . Carrie's example shows us how important consent is in SM, or
rather sado-masochism sex play. The most obvious reason consent is
important in SM play is the risk of injury and the potential for unwanted
danger is avoided. In addition, with understood consent, trust is
developed, making the experience more enjoyable to the participants.
Reasons for non-consenting play do exist, however these occur only
under certain circumstances.When dealing with SM, there is a greater
risk of injury and of danger than missionary position sex, simply because
of the dynamics of it. When an individual is being tied up the way in
which the ropes are tied, how a person is suspended, and whether or not
the person has revealed confidential information to be used in the scene
all aid to create a potentially dangerous situation. When in bondage, the
struggles and wriggles of your partner desperately trying to escape your
teasing might tighten a rope of poor quality and/or singularly tied around a
wrist, creating major veins to stop circulating . The danger might not
even seem obvious until it is too late. It is possible though highly unlikely
that one could lose the usage of one's hands. Often in SM sex, extremely
intimate information is given to your partner, for example a fantasy. If the
fantasy involves play that mainstream American society might not find
acceptable, a deeper level of trust would most likely be necessary. Many
human beings have rape fantasies. Do they want to actually be raped?
The answer to me is very clear, absolutely not. The fantasy, is not about
the violent act that rape actually is. It is about control, that control given
to another, the feeling that there is no choice. The most significant
difference I know of between an SM rape scene and the real thing is
there is trust be it even if it is peoples unknown to each other and a third
party has set up the scene. There is a conscious giving of consent. A SM
rape scene, must have a great deal of consent. Many men (and some

women) seek out professional Mistresses, Masters, submissives, or
someone who has revealed a want or need to experience what they
themselves enjoy. Someone whom they are pretty much assured that
there will not be trust problems, for example a revealing of identities, as
in the case of a high profile person. Also the play is generally a place of
comfort to experience what they truly enjoy and possibly can not in their
"real" life. With this type of relationship the trust often needs to comes
close to intuition coupled with a little time sharing what each will and won't
do. Consent to some degree is already given, yet even here it needs to
be established. The real difference is that play is often so removed from
participant's lives that it no longer affects their normal life. They are not
laughed at for wanting to choke on a beautiful women's high heel,
whereas their spouse would not hesitate in calling a mental hospital at the
mere mention of the thought. Disaster can still occur, for a "scene" cannot
be written with a signed approval (it can but the enjoyment that can only
be found in spontaneity, would definitely be lost). Yet, this very factor
creates the potential for millions of things to go in a direction unsafe for
the people not directing the action. In any sexual engagement, my
ultimate satisfaction comes from bringing my partner to a most gratified
state. To have him or her look at me with their eyes begging for more
without sound is indescribable. Knowing that they are there for me;
knowing that what I need for the scene to be great is a pushing of
thresholds more than ever thought possible and "going there"; knowing
that what I need for the session to go well has been taken care of; these
are a few of my needs. Checking that I and anyone involved is in a good
place is very important for me. This includes an age check. Laws have
been established in this country to protect children from harm for they
cannot "give" consent. Yet there are many adults who, although they are
well into adulthood, are unable to figure out and accept the responsibility
of personal consent. If Carrie had a partner who was aware of her needs

and the established "safety" word she would not dread another scene in
which she was disrespected. Each a bottom and top hold powerful
positions to control what occurs in a given scene. Yet if a top, the
dominant one, does not heed the warning from their trusting subject than
they might find themselves without a partner very soon. Safe words are
used to add to the scene by having all those involved know that there is
complete freedom to go any where until that word is stated. I have even
heard of different levels and meanings representing different things , such
as slow down instead of stop. This again allows individuals to explore and
expand their area of play. To unknown proportions, often only in
retrospect have I personally thought I could be taken "there", taken one
step beyond which, as I stated is the ultimate experience. Possibly this is
the exact reason so much of SM parties is merely observing other's
technique style and expertises, aside from the purely erotic side of
watching others, which brings me to another area.Many people I have
known involved in the scene find it important to join a leather, SM, gay
and /or lesbian club, organization, or group. Possibly it is a need to be
surrounded by others that would not judge as harshly. These clubs and
groups are often places to meet others that you can play with. There are
a lot of people that bring someone merely curious about the scene. What
truly permeates these meetings is the presence of trust ant the
understanding of consent. Without these factors, meetings would
deteriorate into rape and torture festivals.Consent, in play with someone
as stated, gives privileges. It also encompasses a greater trust, one
involving life and death or, at least, a risk of disease. If an individual is
using equipment used in a scene that involved blood and sexual aids,
such as dildos, medical devises, and an enormous and ever expanding
list of other items, there is a tremendous responsibility of those playing to
wash clean and/or throw away items that pose any threat. Because the
partners' consent stems from trust, there should be an understanding of

guidelines involving physical safety. There are some cases when
non-consenting SM play could have advantages or could be
unavoidable. Advantages could occur when one plays with a new player
or possibly with someone they have not been with before. Either each
person would give a detailed questionnaire, or, in a more casual setting,
one might just be taken by physique and begin with not many words at all.
The individual on top then needs to continually watch for what is "O.K" ,
but the excitement is in the exploration. All people involved should know
that they have a way to give all or, as I like, do anything to please, yet
retain the right to refuse. When date-rape came to the public's attention
colleges across the country scrambled to figure out codes to establish
how far was too far. But in SM play can this happen? Time shared, spent
experiencing every nuance and possibly entertaining extremely limited
play are ways of not crossing a boundary. What we would be left with
would be a very sterile boring time. To some people in the SM scene
new partners and experiences with your partner need to allow for
occasional non-consenting .Is it possible to establish a SM scene that is
acceptable to those involved? I hope the answer is yes. I know that to
achieve this, effort and/or time might help. The greatest enjoyment will be
reached if this effort is given. Difficulties arise with such a tremendously
large amount of nuances to a field in which hardly any time has been
given to . We do not know why Joe up the street likes to flash young
boys, or why Mary has sex once a week with her husband and does not
know how to reach an orgasm except by masturbating, and we definitely
do not know why Carrie keeps coming back for more, hoping her partner
does start to understand what she needs and wants. What we do know is
that in all these situations consent is an almost mandatory factor.
Consent is what makes combining whips, needles, electricity, and the
human body safe.4