The complete idiot guide part 4 potx

Chapter
Conan
the
Grammarian
In
This
Chapter
•
Discover the most common grammar errors
•
Assess
your own writing strengths
•
Find out how you can improve your
writing—right
now!
In
this chapter, we'll explore how you can
turn
off
your audience by mak-
ing
grammatical mistakes. They'll figure, "If you can't handle the lan-
guage,
how can you handle our
business?"
You'll be ready to handle
anyone's
business on my watch, captain.
We'll
also

examine the most common grammar and
usage
errors
that
peo-
ple make.
Then
I'll guide you to take a look at your own writing to see
where you should concentrate your efforts.
Finally,
I'll
give
you some con-
crete ways to improve your command of
English
skills
now.
Sweet
Dreams
Aren't Made of
These
Remember Miss Sour
Puss,
your eighth-grade
English
teacher? You know,
the one
with
the bun, wire-rimmed
glasses,

and pursed lips. She probably
taught you rules like these:
•
A pronoun used as a predicate nominative takes the nominative
case.
•
A pronoun used in opposition
with
a noun is in the same case as
that
noun.
Ht
Parti:
No
Uncertain
Terms
•
After a helping verb, use the past participle (third principal part) rather than the
past tense (second principal part).
•
Make a pronoun agree
with
its antecedent.
I
know, this is like showing someone
Jaws
before you
take
them
swimming. But understanding the rules of

our
language
is nowhere near as hard as assembling
your child's new bicycle on Christmas Eve or drinking
a
screw-top chardonnay. So go
ahead—amaze
your
doorman, dazzle your dentist, and shut up your prospec-
tive sister-in-law for good
with
your confident handling
of
mind-clouding grammar and
usage
rules. We may
even have some fun along the way.
Puppy
Love
Which of the following sentences is correct?
•
Being
an esteemed politician, the poodle lunged straight for Mr. Entwhistle's
privates.
•
The poodle, an esteemed politician, lunged straight for Mr. Entwhistle's privates.
•
They
both
make a valid point.

Both
the first two sentences state
that
the poodle is the politician. Now, this may be
true,
but it's unlikely (well, maybe not
).
How can you rearrange this sentence to have it
make
sense?
{Hint:
Try making it into two separate sentences or
giving
the poodle to a
deserving
child.)
Misusing
language
is one thing; murdering it is another. I can help you correct errors
in
grammar and
usage
with
surprising
ease.
After all, that's what this book is all about.
Gross grammar abuse it another
matter.
There's no cure for that.
Has

It
Come
to
This?
Take this little quiz to separate the temporarily grammar-impaired from the hopeless
dopes. Cross out every sentence that's just plain witless. Put a star
next
to the ones we
can
save
with
a little CPR (crisp
pretty
rewriting).
1.
Many dead animals of the past changed to
fossils
while others preferred to be oil.
2.
The plant was given to us by a friend
that
was supposed to flower in the
spring.
Take
My
Word
for
It
English
has far more lives

than
a
cat. How do
I
know? People
have
been
murdering
English
for
years—and
it refuses to die.
If anything, it just keeps
getting
stronger.
Chapter
2:
Conan
the
Grammarian
IS
3.
Men are mammals and women are femammals.
4.
Whom
do you believe is the most capable?
5.
The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there's nowhere else
to put them.
6. If you had been more patient, you might not have tore it.

7.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
8. The
tomb
of the Egyptian pharaoh commanded attention coming into the
museum.
9. Water is composed of two
gins,
Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin
is gin and water.
10.
Some people
say
we condescended from the apes.
Answers
Items 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 are too idiotic to
salvage.
We
can
do something
with
items 2, 4,
6, 8, and 10, however. Here are the explanations.
Sentence
Correction
Chapter
2
Misplaced
modifier

10
The plant
that
was supposed to flower in the spring was
given
to us by a friend.
4
Replace
whom
with
who
6
6 Replace
tore
with
torn 5
8
Dangling
modifier
10
The
tomb
of the Egyptian pharaoh commanded our
attention as we came into the museum.
10
Replace
condescended
with
descended
24

Perversity
Rules
So
much to learn, so little time! Come on, let me make it
easy
for you, baby. We'll
just stick one toe in the water. Here's an
easy
and fun way to remember key grammar
and
usage
issues:
Learn some perverse rules. Each perverse rule contains the error it
describes.
16
Parti:
No
Uncertain
Terms
Read
the following 20 perverse rules. First identify each error. {Hint: It's mentioned
in
the rule.) Then rewrite each sentence so
that
it's correct. I did the first one for you.
At the end of the list, I explain each rule and
give
you a cross-reference so you can
get
a more detailed explanation.

(Aren't
I just the nicest person?)
1.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
Error:
Split infinitive
Correction:
Remember never to split an infinitive.
2.
The passive voice should never be used.
Error:
Correction:
3.
We never make misteaks.
Error:
Correction:
4.
Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
Error:
Correction:
5.
Don't
use no double negatives.
Error:
Correction:
6. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never
where it isn't.
Error:
Correction:
7.

Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it where its not needed.
Error:
Correction:
8. Verbs has to agree
with
their subjects.
Error:
Correction:
Chapter?:
Conan
the
Grammarian
17
9. No sentence fragments.
Error:
Correction:
10.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Error:
Correction:
11.
Avoid commas,
that
are not necessary.
Error:
Correction:
12.
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading
that
a great deal of repeti-

tion can be avoided by rereading and editing.
Error:
Correction:
13.
Don't
overuse exclamation marks
! ! ! !
Error:
Correction:
14.
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or
more words, to their antecedents.
Error:
Correction:
15.
Write
all adverbs correct.
Error:
Correction:
16.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
Error:
Correction:
17.
Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors.
Error:
Correction:
18
Parti:
No

Uncertain
Terms
18.
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun in their writing.
Error:
Correction:
19.
Always pick on the correct idiom.
Error:
Correction:
20.
Last but least, avoid
clichés
like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Error:
Correction:
Let Me
'Splain
It
to
You
r
Lucy
1.
Error:
Split infinitive
Correction:
Don't
put any word
between

"to" and the verb in an infinitive. There-
fore,
"to split" has to stay as one complete package. Only real sticklers get
bent
out of shape by this today. (Please
don't
call
me if you're a stickler for this rule.
And no, you cannot reach me by e-mail.) More on this in
Chapter
10.
2.
Error:
Passive
voice
Correction:
You should not use the passive voice. In addition to showing tense
(time), verbs
also
show voice, the form of the verb
that
shows
whether
the sub-
ject performs the action or received the action.
English
verbs have two voices:
active and passive.
A verb is active when the subject performs the action, as in this example:
•

We made a mistake. (We are taking blame.)
A verb is passive when its action is performed
upon
the subject, as in this example:
•
A mistake has been made. (No one is taking credit for the mistake.)
In general, use the active voice instead of the passive voice. The active voice was
voted "Most Popular Voice" because it is
less
wordy. See
Chapter
22.
3.
Error:
Spelling
Correction:
"Misteaks" do not refer to unmarried female rib roasts; the word is
spelled "mistakes." See
Chapter
18.
Chapter
h
Conan
the
Grammarian
[9
4.
Error:
Run-on sentence
Correction:

Avoid run-on sentences; they are hard to read. Or: Avoid run-on sen-
tences because they are hard to read. A sentence is a group of words
that
express a
complete thought. A sentence has two parts: a subject and a predicate. The subject
includes
the noun or pronoun
that
tells what the subject is about. The predicate
includes
the verb
that
describes what the subject is doing. A run-on sentence is
two incorrectly joined sentences. See Chapter 13.
5.
Error:
Double negative
Correction:
Don't use any double
negatives.
See Chapter 8.
6.
Error:
Misused semicolon
Correction:
Use the semicolon properly;
always
use it where it is appropriate and
never where it isn't. Use a semicolon between main clauses when the conjunction
(and, but, for, or) has been left out. See Chapter 16.

7.
Error:
Apostrophe error
Correction:
Reserve the apostrophe for its proper use and omit it where it's not
needed. Contractions are two words combined. When you contract words, add
an
apostrophe in the space where the letters have been taken out. See Chapter
16.
8.
Error:
Agreement of subject and verb
Correction:
Verbs have to
agree
with
their subjects. See Chapter 9.
9.
Error:
Incomplete sentence
Correction:
Do not write any sentence fragments. See Chapter
13.
10.
Error:
Missing
words
Correction:
Proofread carefully to see
if you

have left any words out. See Chapter
26.
11.
Error:
Unnecessary commas
Correction:
Avoid commas
that
are not
necessary.
See Chapter 16.
12.
Error:
Redundancy; unnecessary words
Correction:
If you reread your work, you will find
that
a great deal of repetition
can
be avoided. See Chapter
23.
13.
Error:
Unnecessary exclamation marks
Correction:
Don't overuse exclamation marks! See Chapter 16.
ZO
Parti:
No
Uncertain

Terms
14.
Error:
Pronouns placed too far from their antecedents, the words to which they
refer
Correction:
Place pronouns as close as possible to their antecedents,
especially
in
long
sentences, as of 10 or more words. See Chapter 7.
15.
Error:
Incorrect adverb use
Correction:
Write
all adverbs correctly. See Chapter 8.
16. Error:
Dangling participles
Correction:
When
you write carefully, you must avoid
dangling
participles. See
Chapter 10.
17.
Error:
Mixed metaphors
Correction:
Take the bull by the horns and avoid mixed metaphors. See Chapter 10.

18.
Error:
Pronoun agreement
Correction:
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun in his or her
writing. See Chapter 9.
Take
My
Word
for
It
What makes us human is our
capacity
to distinguish,
com-
pare,
and
evaluate—in
words
as
well
as
life.
19. Error:
Incorrect idiom
Correction:
Always pick the correct idiom. See
Chapter
24.
20. Error:

Clichés
(shopworn phrases
that
have lost
their punch)
Correction:
Write
sentences
that
use fresh, new
comparisons
and expressions. See Chapter
25.
Personal
Writing Inventory
How can you find the specific writing problems
that
afflict
you?
You can't rely on com-
puterized grammar checkers because they usually cause more errors than they catch.
In
addition, computerized grammar checkers grind your style and reduce it to pap.
I
suggest
that
you take the following writing inventory to zero in on your writing
strengths and weaknesses.
Select
several pieces of your writing, such as memos, letters, reports, or

resumes.
Follow
these
10
steps as you complete the Writing Inventory:
Chapter
Z:
Conan
the
Grammarian
21
1.
Make at least
five
photocopies of the inventory.
2.
Read the documents you selected for
analysis
several times.
3.
Circle all the errors you find.
4.
Ask a friend, colleague, or relative you know who is good in
English
to read the
documents and find additional errors.
5.
Enter all the errors on the following chart.
6.
Count

the number of errors in each category.
7.
Enter these in each subtotal.
8. Take the inventory
again
after you
finish
each
part
of the book. This will
tell you where you have made pro-
gress
and
what
areas need additional
review.
9. Read the whole book, but make a spe-
cial
effort to practice the
skills
covered
in
those chapters
that
match your
biggest
challenges.
10.
Concentrate on these areas as you write.
h^_y

Quoth
the
Maven
,
>Vr
To get the best results as you
take the inventory,
select
writing
samples
that
are at least a page
long. That
will
give you sufficient
text
to
analyze.
Writing
Inventory
# of
Errors
Type of
Error
Grammar
Errors
1.
Misusing parts of speech
2.
Matching pronouns and antecedents

3.
Correct pronoun placement
4.
Using
who,
which,
that correctly
5.
Using
who
and whom correctly
6. Using the correct verb tense
7.
Using irregular verbs correctly
8. Avoiding double negatives
9. Using the correct comparative and superlative forms
10.
Using irregular adjectives and adverbs correctly
11.
Agreement of
subject
and verb
Parti:
No
Uncertain
Terms
Writing
Inventory
(continued)
# of

Errors
Type of
Error
12.
Pronouns and antecedent agreement
13.
Dangling construction and misplaced modifiers
14.
Ending
with
a preposition
15.
Split infinitives
Total Errors
Usage
Errors
1.
Using phrases correctly
2.
Using clauses correctly
3.
Writing complete sentences
4.
Coordinating sentence elements
5.
Subordinating sentence elements
Total Errors
Mechanics
Errors
1.

Using commas correctly
2.
Using semicolons correctly
3.
Using colons correctly
4.
Using apostrophes correctly
5.
Using
other
marks of
punctuation
correctly (including quota-
tion marks,
slashes,
dashes, parentheses, brackets, and ellipsis)
6. Using correct capitalization
7.
Using abbreviations correctly
8. Spelling every word correctly
Total Errors
Style
Errors
1.
Writing clear sentences
2.
Writing sentences
that
are
logical

and coherent
3.
Using active and passive voice correctly
4.
Avoiding unnecessary words
5.
Using the most appropriate words
Total Errors